There's a Light after Darkness.....

       So this weekend gave way to a litany of varying emotions - and my girlfiancee' and my had our first true disagreement. At points I snapped at her; at points she cried; at points we both worried what damage we may have caused our relationship - and at the end we said all we had to say and we were better for it. It wasn't easy though.... the "watershed moment" came at 5 this morning when I was supposed to be leaving for the airport and my love was crying because she believed I didn't want to come home next weekend - that I was deserting her. I had a choice - climb in the car and report to work to avoid problem; the "responsible" option. OR what I did - I sent the driver away with apologies - rebooked my flight - and sat down with the single most important decision and most important individual in my life. I may lose a job, money, clothes - but those things can be replaced. The woman I have searched my whole life for - the woman I have spent 11 months building one of the greatest things in the history of EVER - she needed me and THAT was my priority. I know (oh Lord, HOW I know) that logic flies in the face of "acceptable society" - where people sacrifice everything for the bottom dollar and career advancement. I have always placed my onus of individual growth on my personal relationships. You have to be willing to sacrifice - to give extra effort - be willing to lose EVERYTHING to keep the person you are with. The payoff in the long run is always more fulfilling and meaningful - not many great stories came from being me team lead at the local grocer. And the only people who will ultimately matter are those who surround you on your deathbed.

     That's not to say I HAVEN'T been successful in my work life - Almost despite myself I make a darn good living that allows me to explore the country. I suppose the lesson is that as long as you stay true to yourself; things have a way of finding their place. Well, that and that sometimes its better to be lucky than good. :)  I have the intelligence that I can do anything - and I have used my skills to do just that. I didn't need a degree and I didn't have to kiss butt or give my life over to a company. I just learned what I could and when I show up - I make myself noticeable and relevant. However, I will call out in a moment to satisfy the woman I love.

     Part of that of course is a testament to my bipolar condition - impulsiveness and making decisions without the benefit of considering consequence. As well as I have done - I could have been so much further in certain areas if I made just one different decision here or there. There's always a trade off - and my first authority is always my self - regardless of whether the wiring is frayed or the machine is broken. I ultimately have to believe that my internal wiring is enough to get me the things I need and want. So, it continues.

     Next weekend, I WILL be at my loves side...... she has an appointment to go get pampered and get some of the alone time she desires..... and our nights will be spent alongside one another in continual coupling bliss. In less than 6 weeks; I will ask her to marry me and we will continue moving towards our final declaration of our life spent together - no more questions; no more qualms. I've told her many times - I cannot imagine not being able to wake up each day and talk to her - see her face - feel her smile. That is the best definition of love I possess....