Shame Ol' Song

       The difficulty of relating to the world through the lens of a "disease process" is that even those closest to you want to understand, but there is still an inherent shame in things beyond your control. As a person with actual chemical imbalance, I have the outstanding view from the cheap seats that is bipolar depression. While I have learned how to manage it throughout my life, and as I have come to recognize some of the wonders beholden to it, it still posses the power of absolute takeover on any given day. Along with that can come the fallout with relating to our world.

      Many people understand the idea of depression (through the lens of their own down time), but more as "the blues" and less as a lifestyle choice made by the genetic gamble before birth. Many can allow you your lethargy or sensitive feelings, but it's the deeper things that are so terribly difficult to discuss with your loved ones. How can you relay that someone close to you has hurt you, through the shroud of depression, without them jumping on the defensive? How do you come out and tell those closest to you that it takes more effort to talk to them in these moments than they can imagine. Is there a possible way to tell family that any given time your mind creeps to your demise, the release from the burden of your dueling identities? People hear "I want to die" when most times it's "I'm tired and I want my mind at peace; at last."  Intent and acceptance rarely mesh.

      Mania can be confused by the masses as a.d.d. (At worst) or a moment of confidence and enthusiasm (at best). In fact, mania brings its captured to have thoughts that flow so fast you can't grasp them, an increased sense of irritation from heightened emotions and an over exaggerated sense of self that leads to bad decisions and impulsive acts of nonsense. Mania can cause a fixation on a given subject to the point of actual mental addiction. It's maddening.