The Fog is Inside Today

     Even though I have gotten a lot better, today was a rude reminder that I am still a diseased human being. My mind set forth on self loathing and contempt, there was nothing to do but just keep moving and hope it didn't grip my faculties for too long at any point. With all of the personal growth I feel I have shown in the past few weeks, it only takes a chemical flare up to send me back to the fractured mind I have known in different variations my whole life. History is spotted with great men who suffered and ultimately overcame. Let's not kid ourselves, I have no greatness within me. I suffer only to crawl forward in hopes of finally overcoming the Judas within my head.

     One thing I thought about all day is how much those around me tell me what a great person I am, how much I have to offer society as a whole, how much I just don't see it.  On days like today, it goes another level and I don't even believe I'm as good of a person as I believe that I am. I feel worthless, flawed, fraudulent and irrelevant. I wish I could be a better person for all of those around me, stronger and able to offer more to their lives. A laugh is fine, but it doesn't make up for all my shortcomings.

      It has become readily apparent to me however that I have a need for caring and affection and a hug every day. I am not depressed that my wife is gone, but her presence is the panacea that calms the demons when they start their chaotic chorus to pit my heart and mind against me. I always felt like the distraction of people's company made me forget, but I can readily admit that I need to be cared for, to add to my daily peace and to give me something more than any chemical can. However, I am strong and I will attempt to climb from bed tomorrow and leave this malaise in the mirror.

      I am self aware, however. I will never be great looking, no matter how much weight I lose. I will never be a 'hard worker' in the grand vein of millionaires. I don't have the most responsible demeanor. I don't have the best jokes or the greatest personality. I have a heart and a whole bunch of average to offer those I care for. Is that enough? It's not mine to say. That's up to those who surround me and save me every day. I just have to keep moving and allow life to form begins me.....