Don't Ask Me....

      When doing a thing has all the markings of being detrimental, it doesn't make sense to do so. In this way, not making sense itself makes sense. However, the compound of intelligence and impulse creates a pained idea that this thing can be done, i just have to come at it from the right angle. With desire thrown into the mix, it makes an unbearable fixation that must eventually be fed or replaced over time. I'm not very good at the "it's not meant to be" - like many before me I want a cake and a snack, but unlike others, my mind can't accept this fact and move on. Instead, I mentally keep nibbling at the edges of the cake until there is none left, and then I regret it leaving.

      I am always in some state of this mindset, but for the past few days it has been a matter of "should I stay or should I go now" (or next year, to be more precise). I found a job that I felt suited me well, but over the first five months, blemishes and frustrations have appeared (as they are wont to do) that have left me dreaming of a time past. Like that one ex that many feel "got away", time has left me with a much more understanding and positive image of my last career. While there were many good points, the negatives still lurk on the edges of my psyche.

      Do I stay where I am, making less money, but home every night? Do I take back to the road, leaving a "stable job" (the former "American Dream") to find more money (and many less weeks of work) to dedicate to school and my time at home? Which path leads to a more prominent future? What will stress my family more? Where does my desire fit in? My friends?

      A "normal" life?