Don't Ask Me....

      When doing a thing has all the markings of being detrimental, it doesn't make sense to do so. In this way, not making sense itself makes sense. However, the compound of intelligence and impulse creates a pained idea that this thing can be done, i just have to come at it from the right angle. With desire thrown into the mix, it makes an unbearable fixation that must eventually be fed or replaced over time. I'm not very good at the "it's not meant to be" - like many before me I want a cake and a snack, but unlike others, my mind can't accept this fact and move on. Instead, I mentally keep nibbling at the edges of the cake until there is none left, and then I regret it leaving.

      I am always in some state of this mindset, but for the past few days it has been a matter of "should I stay or should I go now" (or next year, to be more precise). I found a job that I felt suited me well, but over the first five months, blemishes and frustrations have appeared (as they are wont to do) that have left me dreaming of a time past. Like that one ex that many feel "got away", time has left me with a much more understanding and positive image of my last career. While there were many good points, the negatives still lurk on the edges of my psyche.

      Do I stay where I am, making less money, but home every night? Do I take back to the road, leaving a "stable job" (the former "American Dream") to find more money (and many less weeks of work) to dedicate to school and my time at home? Which path leads to a more prominent future? What will stress my family more? Where does my desire fit in? My friends?

      A "normal" life?

I Don't Walk on Water (But Who's Asking?)

      I feel stress. I feel pressure. In every moment, I am uneasy - feeling like I can't sit still because there is always something else that needs my attention. Part of this feeling is brought to me thanks to my bipolar butler, but others of it comes from needing rest with a lot of responsibility. It's an emotionally toxic mix. My mind feels a few steps slow, my memory is nonexistent (ADD to the max), my patience with people is paper thin and my desire to sit with my wife, cat and dog in peaceful solitude has tripled. I don't do stress well - I never have. It's the reason I have tried to keep a few major commitments with a lot of time allotted to carrying them out to the best of my ability. I'm feeling overwhelmed due to my disease process and my commitments.

     I need to stop.

     My wife is out of commission and everything is mine to handle for three weeks. It's not a lot to ask and I should be able to manage it. I just need to budget my time more appropriately since I have less of it for a few weeks. It is no sacrifice, it is what couples do - "in sickness and in health". I can deteine a million excuses

     ...... Or I can just man up and do it.