But I Like Rocky Road!

     The truth about relationship sex over time is that it's rather vanilla, unless sex is all the relationship is based on. Over the years, gone are the week-long sex fests; the hours long lovemaking that neither your stamina nor your creativity can keep up with; the tension of the choice and new interaction.With all of that said, that's the undeniable beauty of sex over time. 2 hour long lovemaking is to make sure that every move is used to show our ability (to peacock), while years later all of the events have been condensed down to all the best parts; like cutting a film for production. Emotions add to the steam train in the beginning - a furious fire to fornicate without remorse. As things go along, the more tender side of emotions set forth, with even the act itself can seem otherworldly - a charge of static to the spine (and loins, of course). Your partner learns your most sincere likes and dislikes - no more baring with scraping to get to the next level. There is a satisfying oneness in a quick fling that pumps the ego and reinvigorates us (to find a mate). Years later, it is a dance of subtelties, innuendos and approraite actions taken. A soothing, gentle ride that brings peace to your mind and a song to your heart. The chase has it wonder, but long term satisfaction can only be provided by a long term commitment.

And Your Chicks for Free

      None of us do something for nothing; even within the confines of a relationship. There are checks and balances; moments where we go against our first nature in the interest of another, the avenue of personal growth. There are going to be changes within us all, but the expectation should never be of like mind as much as a willingness to accept one another's point of view and work towards a common understanding. The belief of "doing things for yourself" doesn't always fit, and the request of me to make it so doesn't change the fact that I'm not wired that way. I am a person who lives "inside-out": I start with my internal thoughts and ideas and then project them into the world. Therefore, the motivation for my actions is to satisfy an internal urge, even if that urge is to do something for another. My wife often asks me if I enjoy cooking (a skill she has created in me these past four years), and I always respond the same: I enjoy her reaction to my cooking - my creation giving her pleasure. I decide to cook in order to help out because she's tired (or I had another mad scientist moment), but the goal is a kiss and a smile.

     Is that really so bad?

     We have become so jaded and emotionally aggressive in modern relationships. "For better or for worse" has taken on a tone of "as long as you accept what I am. I may change along the way, but if you ask me to it feels domineering/ needy/ insecure". This invalidates any premise set forth in requesting a change, because no one wants to have these labels applied, especially by a loved one. When I spend an entire day cleaning the house; I do it because it needs to be done, but also to provide my wife a sense of order and pleasantness. All I ask is that she smile and try to be content - this is my 'reward' for accomplishing something I now she likes (but I'm not always up to doing). When the smiles aren't there, or when the things I've done are passed over for more things she would have me do, I lose the reward. Over time, unless I learn to enjoy the chores (as if 😄), I will inherently feel less motivated to continue to do the chores as often. In turn, this often leads to my wife asking why I don't do as much as I did before. Once you stop 'chording', it's no small feat to return to doing more work. I've tried explaining it a number of ways, but only today did I come to the realization of why it bugs me so much. There are always going to be motivations in relationships that couples don't share, but that cannot override the nuanced back-and-forth that ultimately leads to getting things done for one another. 

     If your man wants a smile in return for laundry, do that. Is the payoff that steep?

     If she wants you to take her for sushi and you hate fish, eat McDonald's first and then nibble on chicken karaage.

     If he wants to have sex after hours of raking leaves; why not? Sex is a relationship staple.

     In some way, every action in life is driven by a payoff. When you fall in love, that is amplified. Yes, loving you is accepting who you are. Being loved allows you to ask me to do things in order that our partnership nurtures and sustains us both. Asking for sex is not coersive. Asking you to ignore your friends is. Or putting you in dangerous situations. We all know what evil is, but requesting a smile for any action done to derive you satisfaction should not be a lot to ask....

Ignorance Costs Us All

Standing at the moral precipice

Looking out over a smoldering cauldron

In the distance, the winds of disappointment 

Collide with the futures long abandoned.

Reason rests quietly upon my brow

As its perverted cousin peaks out.

A million ounces of worry above me,

I seek the wisdom of a hummingbird

To inform my steps going forward

And to recognize the landscape

That spreads out to the southwest.

Remembrance of events not far past

Tint inner turmoil and cloud vision.

Eyes descend into increments of darkness

Equatable intake of air recognized

I move into my soul's darkest recesses

To determine my uneasy disappointment.

Underlying cause eventually uncovered,

I fall back in the respect of what I thought was

Very clearly exists only in my mind's eye.

The journey has not ended is disgrace,

Only taken detour for safer travels

Alongside one willing to chase a fantasy

At the potential cost of a lifelong friend.

How much of this I can endure

Is not for me to say, as the future holds truth.

In this moment, I am supporting my friend

While questioning their actions (and loyalty).

Ascent

Keep in mind that we create relationships

Not only to drive solitude from our lives,

Not simply for the act of procreating,

But in order to evolve to a higher level.

Evolution requires transformation

That can come only through experience.

When we stop learning from others,

We deny ourselves the ability

To attain greater enlightenment

For the historically soothing comforts

Of remaining the same.

A simple truth is that while

We need others in order to live;

We require other people to

Reach our full potential:

As friends, as lovers,

And as individuals.

A mirror to reflect actions;

An institution to provide learning;

A harbor to give safe haven

When life's undercurrent

Threatens to cast us off

Into the oblivion of despair.

Stay true to your covictions-

That core that rests at 

The base of who we are,

But stay malleable in deed,

As there is always another 

Way to be learned from

Those who have done it before.

Gleaming

You never imagined me

Yet here I am at your door

Hands resting upon the floor.

I'm not asking for your obedience

Or looking for novel way to kill time;

I want to start a tale with you

That ends only when I do.

Void of life's venomous creek

Let us find happiness together

Let us seek solace 

Within our home

Let us discover comfort

In a night's subtle embrace.

It's not that I need someone -

It's simply that I need you.

Many people have driven

Sadness from the core

Of my eternal being,

But the majesty of your

Hair gleaming in sunlight

Is one of my great wonders.

The gentle pattern of your sleeping

Is more soothing than any

Beast has fallen to before.

Thus she spoke:

"What of my faults? What if I hurt you?

What if I cannot give you enough

To stay?"

I will grab your hand in my own

And run forth into life's expanse,

To leave our every moment

Exhausted and exceptional.

We will have trials in its time

From the external and internal,

But I could never be better off

Without you occupying my space.

I could never truly smile

Without having you to look forward to.

I could never truly live my life

Without you as my darling wife.

No Mal

      I write these blogs as a way to record my life and share in the hope to help others and give myself meaning. I am bipolar and odd and opinionated and I have come much farther in life (on every level) than I ever intended. Still, there are times when I get the feeling that I'm not really doing anything at all; the sense that I have this life thing all wrong.

     I always wanted my life to be a tale of triumph - of the spirit and heart and circumstance. Yet, time and again, the truth of who I am shines through and I realize how insignificant I can be next to everyone else. Our collective humanity is our weakness, but my humanity is as shallow as a puddle and as frail as an egg carton. I am a demon of my own design.

     My inability to truly effect change or joy in those around me seems to resound from the motif that makes me who I am; the gaping flaws that make me accessible also make me frustrating and untenable. The pieces of life have time and again fallen around me like post-tornado shrapnel, but the belief was always in the currents of life causing the destruction. It occurs to me that the whirling dervish my well have been me: a Tazmanian Devil of emotional ineptitude. Being bipolar may shade my view of the present, but more and more I come to feel that the disruption lies squarely on my shoulders as a Judas to my own professed cause.

      Now that I am aware of this reality, all I can imagine to do is hibernate from the world. A life lived as work, school, home, repeat causes few ripples in the gentle ecosystem. My current refrain causes me to leave a constant echo of distress on life's ocean. It's almost a curse to those who love me: "May you find love in an intesting person". I am sorry for all that I cause I'm the general flow of being.

     If only lobotomies were more practical. If only I were more... Plain.

Appreciation not Addiction

Excuse me, but would you happen to know

What event it is?

So caught up in recording the outcome

That you fail to notice what is right

Inside of your person.

Talk to me about riddles and limmericks

While presenting me only freeze tag.

If I make a move, the trust

From the occurence will be broken,

But to stay frozen means taxing

And bored existence behind

The guise of congress.

I am not here to like you,

I am here to work with you

And create our castle of caring

That glides into the eternal.

How did we get here and now?

What knowing thoughts

Were left trampled underheart?

What subtle clues were swept away

Under the fault of knowing when.

My goal is to love

The idea is to be loved

The sense is to be patient

While the heart is to be had.

Our organic interchange anew,

A lifetime of thoughts washed clean. 

Take my hand and risk with me

To play and pet and perform,

My dreams are fused to you -

As orange and rust to Fall's bloom;

My nights given to you

By a kiss to close the door

And a nuzzle to open the calm.

My ego seeks to give the world to you,

But I am man and capable of

Only 'Man' level things.

So If I can, I would like to

Give you a home to set your heart in;

A sanctum derived in 

The confines of my chest;

A staduim full of cheer echoing

In your ears and eyes;

A vault full of promises

That I will do all I can to complete.

If you give me your promise

I will give you my self.

The red sun rises in the East

Signaling a new era has arisen

The colors reflection visible

On the river in my eye.

 

I Don't Walk on Water (But Who's Asking?)

      I feel stress. I feel pressure. In every moment, I am uneasy - feeling like I can't sit still because there is always something else that needs my attention. Part of this feeling is brought to me thanks to my bipolar butler, but others of it comes from needing rest with a lot of responsibility. It's an emotionally toxic mix. My mind feels a few steps slow, my memory is nonexistent (ADD to the max), my patience with people is paper thin and my desire to sit with my wife, cat and dog in peaceful solitude has tripled. I don't do stress well - I never have. It's the reason I have tried to keep a few major commitments with a lot of time allotted to carrying them out to the best of my ability. I'm feeling overwhelmed due to my disease process and my commitments.

     I need to stop.

     My wife is out of commission and everything is mine to handle for three weeks. It's not a lot to ask and I should be able to manage it. I just need to budget my time more appropriately since I have less of it for a few weeks. It is no sacrifice, it is what couples do - "in sickness and in health". I can deteine a million excuses

     ...... Or I can just man up and do it.

For Better? Simple.

     "For better or for worse" is one of those phrases that is iconic in society, but often is mentioned in pessimism and some disdain. "For worse" doesn't mean that things have gone sour between yourself and your love, it often just means someone is having a bad day and needs understanding. In my experience, there are a few ways you can help when your love is upset:

      Start by listening. Every day, a nation of spouses come home and tell the trails of their day; an interchange of release and discussion filling the air. However, on those really dark days, fight the urge to pontificate and just settle in and listen. In these moments, I find all I can say is "I love you," and "I don't know what to say but I understand." Nothing in this line of thought can heal, but in listening I hope to relieve the pressure in her heart and allow her to clear her mind. This is no small feat, especially for men. I'm not great at this, admittedly. My first instinct it to protect and correct the situation with advice. In doing so, I am not actively listening and causing her to think when she seeks to emote.

      Recognize when you are not the answer. There are going to be certain times when our significant others need another voice, when we have said all that we can say on a topic. Furthermore, if our spouse has taken the time and energy to develop a deep, meaningful relationship, then that other person can offer our spouse additional insight that we may be too emotionally biased to conceptualize. I am in no way threatened by my wife seeking an additional opinion in her life's travels. I don't know everything about ANYTHING; even my wife. If I want to talk video games, I call my best friend. Why should her interests run any different?

      Accept that others are not like you, but every one has common ideals on how they would like to be treated. I am an individual in a world of unique personalities, so how I think, feel or act in a given situation can be shared as my ideal, not fact. I cannot judge another persons actions through my viewfinder, as they have their own insights. However, when I choose my response to a given story, I can relate from how I would like to be treated when I am in a funk. Who doesn't like a kind word, a gentle hug (or a stiff drink!)? Can I really go wrong serving dinner and giving a massage? Sending a gentle text with inspirational quotes? Telling bad jokes? Who wouldn't appreciate that?

      Learn when you've done enough, but (s)he just needs time and space. This goes with the first ideal, but it's on the back end of the experience. This is another one I am still working on improving, as I have a hard time watching those I love be unhappy. My wife and I have agreed that if she wants to head to another room for personal time, I will respect her wishes and not follow; in return, she will come back to me when she finds her "center" once more. There are things we all experience that are more than the typical annoyances, and there are moments when we need to vent, refocus on our happiness (alone) and then come back from the woods. A modern day "voyage quest" to work through our angst; as it were. I have had to learn that this isn't my love turning away from comfort, rather, she is breaking the thought cycle and "letting go". A distinction in my mindset, not a difference of action.

     The commitment required to have a great relationship is the humility required to be a great partner. Doing for others is the ultimate panacea for helping our own ills - especially within a relationship. For those aspiring to love, be the person you would fall for. For those in love, don't lose the appreciation and wonder that love inhabits. Don't lose the fact that you have found a gift many search a lifetime for. Relationships can make us better people, in a healthy, loving environment. If given the opportunity to grow, everything one could ask may be found within the confines of a loving marriage. "For Worse" is remembering to be half of a whole...

Veni, vidi, non dominabatur

      How would you know if your significant other is happy? What indicator could a husband portray with others that sets someone at ease? Inawprld of suspicion and opportunity, it seems so foreign to identify a trait that prescribes the comfort of trust fully. 

      In a previous life, I could never pinpoint the actions that made me feel other husbands were fully committed to their wives, but I could sense it. Something in them shone through and demonstrated how happy they were with their life choice, and I never had that peace.

      Then I met my doll face.

      In my happiness with my life partner, I slowly began to realize early on that I was emitting that same vibe of inner sanctuary. In deLing with people in general (and women specifically), I began to notice a new trend in how I interacted. 

Where it was once a dismissive statement to mention I was married, I now say it aggressively - and without having to feel forced in doing so. I have a partner (and have made a choice) that makes me proud and that I wish to share with the world. I am thrilled to be defined (in part) by my marriage, as well as in my actions toward this other human being that graces my days. In strip clubs, at work and online, I am no longer portrayed as a "lone wolf", and I think the answer to how to know what someone feels lies in how excited they are to identify themselves clearly as a member of a unit - showing others that they are vulnerable, committed and unattainable. 

     I am no relationship counselor, but this is my take on something that lived in the core of me all along, but was not able to be released. I could sense it in others, but did not find it in my self until I had the proper protagonist. A gift left to me by man long ago, who was driven on instinct and identity. Who could ask for anything more?

One a Day Keeps the Attorney Away

      You probably think this post is about a litle "bump 'n' grind", don'tcha? While there is certainly NOTHING wrong, "with a little bump and grind" (except maybe chafing), this post will run more to the unheralded aspects that get forgotten or misplaced over time. Sex is important in a long term commitment; but as Bush once sang, "it's the little thing's that kill".

      In case I haven't been completely transparent by now; I really like my wife. A LOT. Ultimately, I garner great reward in making this beautiful woman smile each day. That said, there are many subtle things that I make a big deal about and make sure to do to show how much she means to me. It's not that everyone doesn't have their "little things"; but as we stay in a monagomous relationship and face the day to day grind and fulfill our responsibilities : we all get tired. One night, we just don't have the energy to get off the couch to go to the bedroom. Then it's another night. In time, a pattern forms, and a spouse is wondering why (s)he is now sleeping many nights alone in their bedroom. Of such small things are problems borne. On top of that, it is a no win situation - it's difficult as a grown adult to look at someone and say, "I don't like you sleeping on the couch away from me." and feeling like you are going to be taken seriously. It IS serious, however. Then the doubts start to creep...

      We have to stay cognizant and consistent with our "little gifts" of affection to our spouse. I am not ashamed to admit that I want to kiss my wife good morning and good night every day. Some days we miss; and that's okay; but it's always worth it to make the effort. Not the perfunctory dismissive affection that you look away during - an eye to eye smooch each morning that shows how happy I am to see her. So often, we as couples begin to eschew these tender moments; and it is so easy to do. It becomes like the furniture - a gesture in the background that is required - but it loses it's thoughtfullness and meaning. I always keep the emotion of how overjoyed I am to see this woman at the forefront of my thoughts. It helps me grunt myself off of the ottoman to go into the bedroom and kiss her into the night. Don't let the magic disapate - the hundreth kiss can mean every bit as much as the first one - with the idea in your mind that it is the same thing. The wife teases me about my liplock fascination; but I am certain she would notice if I started getting away from it. Wondering if I still felt the same. Or was I "settling into a rut". It's okay to become comfortable. It's not okay to "mail it in". Keep the passion for what (and who) you are doing ladies and gents! :)

     Sports (dramas for the ladies) is another of those places where relationships can go askew. I love me some sports, people: Football, Hockey, Basketball, Baseball - even pro wrestling. (Exhibition/ sport/ whatever). In a previous relationship, it was well known that you may as well count me persona non grata every Sunday in the fall and winter. What did that action relay to the other person? That Football was more important than she was. In that particular case, that was an accurate statement, but it's still not what we want to relay to other human beings. When it comes to my wife, I always make sure to ask if she would like to watch something else; willing to discuss and work things out so that I might watch the games I am dying to see; but not become a "TV commando". Same with her interests - we watch the news and Today show every morning because that is her thing! A loving spouse isn't going to make you sacrifice something you enjoy for NO reason - and as a loving person you have to be willing to sacrifice that thing FOR a good reason. Date night is one that immediately comes to mind - there have been countless times where date night, or a night at her mom's, or movie night, or a bike ride have overtaken any sport on TV. Time with the wife is far and away better than time staring at a TV. There have even been times where I have offered to go to the pub to watch or found alternative ideas to keep from boring her. Yet she remains and we always work it out. Nothing should ever be more important than time with your spouse and finding ways to agree on the actions within your relationship. Once you go into business for yourself, a couple becomes dueling factions. Compromise and conquer.

     Chores is another big one. You come home late because there was an accident on the freeway and you are met by your wife at the door. You kiss hello and head to the bedroom to change when you realize that dinner is not in the works. You lie down on the bed knowing that it is Monday and trash has to be taken out; but you just aren't feeling up to it. What happens next can make all the difference. You can "rise up", find the eye of the tiger, get the trash done and order Chinese; you can sit in bed to the point where she comes to "remind you" it's trash day and you say something snide about "dinner hour"; or you can just tell her if she wants to do it - get on that. You don't have the energy to do it right now. These options may seem funny; but I have seen (and even done in the past) variations of these reactions when it comes to doing the things in every day life that aren't as glorious. It's another example of making the whole less than the sum of its parts. If you don't just get the job done; either you are going to drive a rift in between you (for the evening or longer) or your wife will just do it (leaving you to feel bad and/ or her resentful). It's whart we signed on for; folks. "For better or worse". The overlying reponsibility should always be to what is going to make the most people content at a given time.

     Many of us believe a relationship is something we are "in" - like an umbrella two people have chosen to share. If I don't like sharing your umbrella; I can get my own and walk beside you - but the dynamic has changed. I look at my marriage as a creation of my wife and I - akin to a child we created and want to nurture and put ahead of my own selfish needs. I created this (with her), I have given my word to honor and respect it, and it is a part of me - not I a part of it. Perception can make all the difference - I don't feel the same desire to satiate a club I'm a part of as I do to please the family I made. There are a thousand more examples of ways we betray our little rituals, but the key to it all( for me) is to not lose sight of what started this journey. THe idea isn't to lure the other person in with false pretenses and then shift back to what you know. The idea is to change to become something greater and share that with your partner; each and every day.

     

Of Boobs and Men

      Tonight, my wife and I went to a strip club (Why yes, I do have the greatest wife ever) to see the "Miss Nude San Francisco" be crowned. It was quite an event, with strippers from other clubs nearby all competing with the "Home Club" girl for the title. (Is that something you can put on your resume?) As the wife called early, the fix was in, and other more talented dancers took a back seat to home field advantage. The real draw, I think, was that girls from other clubs got to come in and be seen - kind of free publicity and a way for the girls from outside to make a quick buck. The "crowning" was an afterthought; it was kind of a "Stripper sampler" in some ways.....

      My wife gets it. In so many ways - due to maturity or life experiences (or lack thereof) or just a natural desire to play - she not only indulges theses yearnings to take her to the land of naked people; I feel as if she has found her own way to enjoy it along with me. Judging dancers; discussing outfits; watching the mouth breathers stare at the lightning quick fantasies playout on stage - there are many topics we find a middle ground in. Women so often want to deny mens natural urgings at the risk of being uncomfortable; without thinking about what EVERYONE'S natural reflex is when told "no". It is important that everyone in a relationship be able to be fully honest; or soon distrust and secrets arise.

      With that said; if guys want there wives to push their boundaries; it is up to us to make them feel safe and protected by us. I never miss an opportunity in real life (not just at the club) to comment how attractive my wife is or how irreplaceable she is. It does not diminish me in any way to admit that I need her and could NEVER find another woman to hold a candle to her. No matter how many lap dances I ever get or how many boobs I see bouncing on stage; my wife will always be the only item on my list of women to be intimate with. We just can't expect that women will want to go to strip clubs or do kinky things or even attend sporting events because that is what we want. We are men and they are different - that's what we love about them. You have to recognize their discomfort and do everything you can to let your wife know she is safe in that environment - and then be sure to always thank her for doing these wonderful things with you. In time, if she finds her own niche interests, then encourage that and try to nurture that - my wife has taken things I am interested in and studied a different way of looking at them and inevitably taught ME a thing or two about my passions.

     Who could ask for a better partner than that?

     About the club - it was a silly place! (Monty Python reference). No, it was actually a fun night - although the atmosphere was..... different. As soon as we walked in we were approached by a cute girl who ogled at my wife for a bit before offering to show us around. We got the grand tour and the night was off and running. I have noticed that when I am with my wife; I am not hassled by the strippers as much - and when they do approach, it is for her. BONUS. A lot of the girls at this club were very..... plain. Some pudgy, some grouchy looking, some small chested, a few "bolt ons" - it was nice to see real women with real bodies dancing. I know the fantasy is part of the sexual turn on for a lot of guys at clubs - but that's never been why I go. I like to deal with these girls as people - just like everyone else. I like when they talk real; I like when they look real. That's just me. My wife was the hottest girl in the place; with her clothes ON, and that is what really turned me on. I definitely married a physically, mentally and emotionally awesome juggernuat. With each passing woman I meet; it only confirms it more....

The Power of Persuasion

      For someone who prides himself on a large vocabulary (it's for more than just writing, folks), I have this nasty little habit of forgetting TONE can mean so much. The same words with a different inflection creates a whole new environment during a discussion. Even the love of my life is not immune - when we start going back and forth and the answer seems SO SIMPLE to me; I tend to forget that - for all of her amazing attributes - her ability to be NOT ME is one of her greatest talents. (Two of me would be a bad thing in one house) In forgetting, apparently I subconciously climb on my "That's so EASY" soapbox and turn from partner to "prophet". It seems to just sneak in to my voice - in my eyes (or ears, as it were) - the things I am saying are coming forth the same as when the talk began. However, when I look to her, it becomes apparent as her demeanor and tone change as well. In the good moments, she makes me aware of my folly and I am able to apologize and take back control from the "Auto-pilot Papacy" I have fallen in to. Other times, she gives as good as she's getting; and things crumble under the weight of ego.

        The hard part of this is the generally held belief by many when I slide into this state of being is that I am looking to crush the other side in my desire to be "right". In honesty, it is a matter of becoming irritated at having to restate my point; not considering why the other party to the conversation cannot comprehend what seems so simple to me. This is not the right way..... logically I know how silly that sounds - we are all different and we all see things from different views with different eyes. However, in the heat of the moment, logic apparently can give way to pride; and it is a shame.

         I love you dollface. I am sorry! :*

What is Love?

      Age old question or keen 90's song?

 

                (I totally owned this cassette in the day...)

      What does love amount to in the modern world? It's so easy to say you love so many things that will no longer be relevant in six months..... but people fall victim to the idea so often. This especially applies when it comes to matters of relationships and family. We have been put in a position to be harried to get to the goal of being SOMEONE's "someone". Love isn't about finding who you can deal with; it's finding who you can't be without. I had to learn this lesson; it's a tough one to take. A love of convenience will provide some moments of joy, but many more moments of something within you that's "not quite right". The sincere form of love intended for you makes you feel so ALIVE.... in every moment an adventure; in the dark moments it hurts TO NOT BE HAPPY.  It's a huge sacrifice to give up ill feelings in the name of that special something that is so much greater. Many people can't do it. They are left with a feeling that it's too good to be true - so they sabotage themselves. The eternal "one that got away" is more often driven away by acts of protecting ones self when you feel "control" of your heart slipping away. In order to love; you must go all in. Risk it all to get it all.

      

     There is no other way.

As I Lay Me Down To Sleep......

      I went to a writing lecture tonight....  pretty cool stuff. It just led to me thinking more and more....... I'm forty years old and trying to get my life to take off. Life can be a real pain in the ass sometimes. When I was 18 and just barely pulling myself to a high school diploma; all that talk of a "future" was so meaningless. I was broken. I was depressed. I had a goal to be dead by 30. Nothing I did then would ever matter.

      Look at me now.

      I have fought and clawed to vecome a success DESPITE myself. Bad relationship; mental breakdown; depression; poor choices - nothing ever stopped me. Somehow; I STILL found a way to have a six figure income for a few years. Had an amazing son. Have the wife of my dreams.

      Now I have to do the work I didn't do then to become something better now.

      I'm going back to school to get a degree. To matter (in the eyes of employers). I'm going to write a book. No matter ho succesful (or not) the book is; it will be like my love letter to yesterday. A sign that all those decisions DID matter - I could have made a much easier life for myself. I'm going to probably struggle through two years of semi-employment to get my degree; ready to take off once I attain it.

      IT's not always that easy.

      Mine is not a story we haven't all heard (or lived) before. I'm not regaling you with any deep philosophical bent we haven't all heard or read before. i'm just another guy who didn't do it early and is now trying to make it up on the back end. I hope I can succeed. I hope I have a path that leads to salvation - to a final sense of purpose and belonging. I want to be someone people are proud of for what they accomplished; not happy to know just because they are silly. I want to have a resume that FORCES an employer to call and learn more.

       I want to be a man my wife is proud to call heusband.

       The trail begins.....

I'm Better Than a Stick in the Eye!

     So, I find myself lately in a very odd state.... After years of feeling like I hd no purpose; i along the way started to feel like I could be something more. Now that I have become something more; I worry I am not enough. Lately I have been fighting to define my wants, needs and for respect. I still feel I am chasing something - something I have. My love and I have been working through issues - it has been difficult at times becuase our communication styles are so different - but at the end of it we both know we need and love one another and we find compromises or accept each others needs in order to move forward to forever. It pains me when we disagree. However, my darling said it best - all couples go through tough times. Indeed. It's the ones who walk from the flames that have a chance at greatness... I love you baby.

     In other news; I have been placed under a lot of internal scrutiny lately. It seems my wiles and charms haven't been enough to keep the detractors at bay. I am most certainly an acquired taste - but lately many of those around me have seemed to feel the taste to be bitter.... perhaps even unpleasant. God said it best - I am what I am. I'm trying to curb some  of the personality traits that I know no longer serve me in this new; enjoyable world I have found. The defense mechanisms and desire to win at every turn are remnants of an environment I no longer inhabit. I no longer live in a place where I need to wear my emotional body armor around the house. I suppose even I can still succumb to learned patterns.... ring bell and drool follows. in my mind; I know I am in a place of safety with a pertner who not only can provide me sanctuary - she WANTS to provide me sanctuary. I often remark to her that, "You are me" - but I don't always give her that assurance when I worry that she might hurt me. I'm  still scared; unfortunately. Not scared of her; scared of not being enough. Scared that my snoring or boring or bipolar or moods or ignorance or abilities (or lack thereof) or looks or jokes or words (apparently lots and LOTS of words) or baggage or fat might just one day be enough for her to say "enough". Does she ever hint to that? No. She argues it vociferiously. Its a little devil gnome at the bottom of my soul that still tells me that there is so much more I need to learn - Salsa dancing; learning to not cut into other people talking; remembering my household duties; more ways to show i appreciate her; better ways of speaking (or not speaking) as appropriate; new cooking techiniques (I'm learning to make her sashimi!! Any fans in Japan? Hey, that RHYMED!!); learning I am the one she has waited for. It's an interesting juxtaposition that when learning each other and what your couple is detined for and how to make the whole relationship thing work - it also becomes a time of great growth and (currently) great introspection to make your SELF a proper part of the (dynamic) duo. We fall in love for the people we find; but it is neccessary on some level to change in order to accomodate (happily) with new opinions; new ideals; new desires; new hobbies; new furniture. I'm in. She's in. The road will not always be easy...... but staying beside her is. The answers I seek (from her and myself) will not always be comfortable - but they will be meaningful. As with any crowning acheivement; the toil is what will ultimately make the result timeless.....

     So, the diet continues. There are many days where I am starving if I do not eat every two hours. Some days; I get so weak I cannot even move to eat something. It's a bit frightening how easily our body can shut down on us. On the plus side; I don't have the abdomen of a walrus for the first time in years - I will probably never be a sexy beast - but at least I no longer resemble a beast. My body itself feels fantastic - so much more fire and feeling and stamina than I have had in quite some time. I do mix in carbs on occasion; I support my doll face to the fullest - but I am much bigger than she and occasionally I have needs that only a hamburger can fill. :) I seem to have kicked my coke habit - I still drink them when I'm out (mostly); but I don't crave them as my drink of choice. That distinction now lies with my sparkling grape water. YUMYUMYUM. It's ironic; in limiting the foods I intake with the girlfincee; I have actually been opened to many things I NEVER would have found otherwise. God (and low carb diets!) works in mysterious ways....

     The final countdown to my divorce has begun! (Cue Europe here) All that is left is to establish a court date.... and I will be able to finally put stamp on a chapter of my life long gone. I am breathless with anticipation of this watershed event..... so much to follow....

     I am (living) proof that good things can come to those who wait. Thank you, Lord, for all You have decided to share with me in your creation. 

Don't You..... Forget About Me....

     As I am sure you are all aware; I have not blogged in a while - but for good reason...... I spent the weekend with my love celebrating our first anniversary. What an amazing milestone.... An annual rite of passage that tracks our progress - and our lives. It was a weekend filled with laughter and joy and PLANNING OUR FUTURE.... all the things it should be. There were gifts and surprises and Maps and journals and so many cool things! It was a 72 hour celebration complete with a surprise at the end - it didn't end. I stayed longer. I awoke next to my love and I said goodbye.... I started my week with the kiss that can never miss.....

     I have really had a strong hold on my reality over the past week - I am starting to settle in to not looking for what "could be". The next step in my evolution appears to be unlearning many of the conservative tendencies my environment taught me growing up. I continue to see so many patterns in things that have run throughout my existence.... They may not be wrong but they don't apply to my new world. What issue is a see through shirt in a city where people bike naked? However, how far is it before I become victim to absorbing my new surroundings? I am having to try and separate out which parts of these beliefs are mine - and which I have been taught to believe. I am conservative by nature; so it is hard to section off where my conservative side gives way to the "Bible Belt" teachings? I am also taking my girlfriends ideas into consideration on this journey; It's going to be a long road to setting my own thoughts in place. Even then; they are only mine. I don't ask that anyone else live by them - only that they understand if I seem uncomfortable at times. My perception is my reality - not a set of dictates handed down as gospel. No matter how definitively I state my thoughts on a subject.....

     The girlfriend and I have narrowed things down to the finals!!! We are getting married in a Church - already chosen; but we are between two final venues for the after party celebration! What an exciting time - an incredible hunt! We still have things to iron out.... To dance or not to dance? Cocktail hour or free time? Jazz, Blues, or other? Colors? Food styles? We are building our own masterpiece.... Our wedding is an artistic endeavor that will clearly be defined by the individuals in it! I want very much to go against the "wedding cliches"..... my hope is to have a wedding that when people think back to this night; it will stand out above and beyond all other receptions in the history of mankind. That's not too much to ask. :) More importantly; with this woman at my side - it's completely attainable.... 

     So, the diet is going okay. I am trying to do this exactly; but as my love will attest - I slip occasionally - but I keep hopping back on the horse. Eventually, this will be my life long ride; and you can't break 20 years in a day. I am learning more and more what to eat.... breaking my addiction to soda slowly...... but I am hungry much more often. It's so hard to imagine how awesomely delectable carbs are..... how full they make you. I burn my food in hours - I am learning the whole five times a day eating cycle - no small feat. In the long run; I know my support is imperative to my darling - and it is better for me and my insides down the road...... That's a win-win if ever there was one.

     My work is going well...... things are at the point where people seem to run on auto-pilot. I spend much of my day waiting for the one or two issues that come up - the rest of the time trying to find people to show additional items to or to help clarify the workflows. Exciting? No. A Great paycheck? It's alright.... Worthwhile? Absolutely. I am training the people who (literally) can stand between life and death. It is greatly satisfying to have a hand in the healing process.

     At the end of it all; my maturation continues. I am so satisfied and peaceful in life; in love; at work; at all. I just want to make the right choices and be the person that makes everyone's life better (in some way) by association. I don't know that I always accomplish my mission - but I keep plunging ahead. If I can just be successful more often than I fall short - then it means it's all worth it. In the end; we define ourselves by our own measure....

Anticipation, Motivation, Realization and Observation

     Saturday will mark me and my darling's one year Anniversary. A true milestone (in a line of many) that I had wanted to celebrate in style. I wanted it to be big..... Zeppelin (the band or flying machine) big! Alas, timing is not on my side and it will not have the events I had hoped. It will, however, have us looking at wedding venues and deciding on where it will al go down. So that's still a win in my book. :) I only wish we could have made the decision in a restaurant I had rented out for just the two of us....

     Work is going amazingly well. I have been a lot of help to those I am tasked to assist; and no one has lost their cool. As Hannibal always said, "I love it when a plan comes together..."

     The eating is going well.... I occasionally fall off the wagon but I maintain more often than not - hopefully providing my darling the support she needs. I have made enormous strides in changing my eating habits; and my body feels better for it.  I can literally go days at a time without soda. Unthinkable in my old world. Toto, ,we ain't in Kansas (Cokesas?) anymore....

A limerick-

"Yesterday upon the stair

I met a man who wasn't there

He wasn't there again today

I wish to gosh he'd go away"

And a finisher-

Cold

A chill overtakes

As I lay my 

Weary head

So far away

You slumber

So very close

You rest

Behind my

Eyelids

Nothing compares

To the way you

Hold me in the

Middle of night

Wake me 

Each morning

With a kiss

Calm me

When the

Nightmares

Visit

I shall close

My eyes

And journey into

The Dreaming

Hoping to find

A nights 

Peaceful

Rest

Searching

Dreams eternal

Landscape

Looking for

You

So that we may

Play in another

Dimension as well...

Good night, My Love

What's you is me....

     It is widely accepted that in order to fully love; you must also love yourself. It is occurring to me lately that it's not so much loving yourself - it's the things that go with it hat matter. It's the acceptance that you are worthy of this great gift someone else has bestowed upon you - You are worthy of tender glances; fidelity; consideration; adoration; commitment; eternity. It's a role that I am at last trying to become comfortable with for the first time. I've never had this things unconditionally - I've never had to build an acceptance of someone finding me to be meaningful. It would seem to be intuitive - but learning how to receive after a lifetime of giving is not as simple transition. That said; my love has made it a requirement - as easy as it would be to just slip into just taking all the time - she refuses to let me be just a "Tool". God Bless Her.

     Part of the disconnect has come from society and the make up of things in the current world. People have been replaced by machines. Communication is by phone, email or text - not as much in person. We are constantly bombarded by sounds to where we become accustomed to having to tune things out - and so when we do settle in to communicate with people - it can become background noise and our mind wanders.

     Speaking of minds wandering - with all of this technology and constant stimuli - we are finding it harder and harder as a nation to just settle down and relax. We are always one moment away from a random text message; an email from work; a phone call from mom - we always have the option of pulling out our phone to surf the web; play the latest video game; or just listen to music. We do these things while sitting in the presence of someone else - during dinner; at home or (especially) in the car. Television; radio; and so much more can go with us or distract us in any environment - a way of avoiding the present moment.

     Interpersonal relations are becoming increasingly weighed down with all of the common intrusions. It takes time, patience and concentration to truly COMMUNICATE with another human being. It takes a desire to close out the world and settle into a cocoon with this other person and make a relationship blossom. It's all about making a priority of what you are building with this other person - not just passively hanging out as a way to pass the time between shows. People have become secondary; where they once were the most important form of entertainment; interaction; acceptance.

     Not to sound old or like I am anti-technology; I am not. As anyone who has read this blog knows - my profession is actually as an IT professional. Technology has many positive uses - the world has shrunk; the ability to communicate and see each other with electronic media has made it easier to be away (for better AND worse); the ability to call in an instant has made it safer - as has the electronic devices in so many areas to record crime; the internet has made learning and knowledge more universally available - and increased our overall knowledge set; science continues to find a million new uses for all the things we are discovering. 

     My only worry is at what cost. IT's time to put down the phones; turn off the tv and truly interact with one another again. This is not SOLELY an American issue - but after my visit to Europe I would say it is PRIMARILY an American issue. People in these foreign countries don't have internet in some parts of these places.... and they feel no less for that. They still make sure to pay great attention to relaxing and enjoying life - sitting outside in the sun and conversing with friends and family. Meals are incredibly stout affairs of sharing food and stories and time with those you are close to. I rarely saw people eating in front of a tv; phones were not out on the table or accessed until the meal was done...... they haven't been spoiled to the point of making the electronics a priority. It's one of the things I fell in love with about being overseas..... it even shows in the basic interactions you had with people there - they still had an ability to connect with and enjoy others.

     Next time you are out to dinner with a loved one - turn your phone off. Do they not deserve even MORE respect than your office? Leave your business emails for business hours. Find time when they are around to mutually explore other things - read a book (what a concept!); check your facebook; do your bills; watch tv.... share your life with this person - don't just find time for them.

     So this blog took a definite turn of direction - but I am certainly known for going off on tangents and returning to the point. Time to tighten the reigns and return to where this began. Part of determining self worth comes from realizing that the things you do naturally can still have worth. So much of what I do is instinctual - I don't have to think about it and therefore I fail to recognize that those things do hold value..... and thus I do offer things to people that are relevant - That makes it matter that I was there - that not just anyone could have made that moment what it was. It feels nice to have someone who wants to give to me.... who insists on making it known that I am relevant. I am learning to accept.... expect?.... that I can ask for things I want or need and they are worthwhile and important. I AM good enough. That is my mantra. I am the partner she wants for life.... and it is in her judgement that proves that I AM good enough. I look to her to find how she is experiencing me... It's not up to me to interpret what I think she means. It is up to me to listen to what she says. My lessons continue to progress.... and I am steadily becoming the person I want to be for the person I want. 

     The large part of being comfortable comes from doing what is unknown - until I develop a comfort to the outcomes. That said; when I can see that all outcomes end in a positive place - I have no fear of any of the outcomes available. It's not fair to say "it could go either way" when the facts are that all outcomes lead to (at worst) another memory and another story for the ages. My darling will not leave me..... she will not want.... so any "risk" I take will not lead to a negative outcome - at worst what should have been thrilling may only have been passable..... but that's still better than a lot of life. As a human form of chaos - I have lived in the excitement that the unknown provides. When the outcomes matter - when I have something to lose - the fear sneaks in. I am accepting that there are no dark places in the light my love and I share.

     I am fascinated by all of the things I am becoming and realizing. I am in love. I am happy. At last, again,

     I AM.

Nightmare's of Futures Past....

      At first, I had imagined this blog as talking about how we all have a past - and that we are not defined by our past - but others judge us by these pasts. I myself am incredibly guilty of this act. However, upon reflecting on the title (one of my favorite comic archs EVER) - I came to think about an alternative - the damage my actions have done - the futures I have imagined (and lost) due to me worrying about the present based on the past with the future in mind. Well, hell - this is MY catharsis and MY blog - so why not do both? If anyone takes the time to read this - please post comments below - I am still searching for answers..... a perspective. Just because I am aware I am not always right - I can't always determine another avenue to travel....

     So here I am - 11 months into the most meaningful and emotionally powerful relationship I have ever known - and I can't seem to move past parts of my girlfriends past. Notice I say parts..... She has had past lovers - most of us have - and it bothers me to think of her still interacting with them on any level. Not just talking to them currently (which she does not); but even the mere mention of past shenanigans drives me mad. I don't talk to any of my past conquests - and I try to not discuss them with her in any way. I am not sure if I am somehow threatened by what they were (why else tell me?); or if I feel that if it is past - let's leave it there and not drag it into the now; or if I want to just imagine I am the only one - even though all facts acknowledge otherwise. I'm SLOWLY learning to curb the questions (as the Fly said.... "I'm getting....... BETTER") - but I do wish I wasn't put in the position to even have to handle them. Once known; things cannot be UNKNOWN...... unless I develop amnesia. That would be inconvenient! The part of her past that I do not give NEARLY enough respect to in this matter is that it is very clear that she in undyingly loyal and faithful and my concerns are only of the thoughts she has - I have no belief that she would do anything outside of the bounds we have set in our deeply committed relationship. That said; I can't imagine her sitting down for drinks with one of her past..... "moments". Dude leering lustily and remembering that one night...... it drives me crazy to imagine. We haven't faced that yet; which leads to my second interpretation.... 

     How many times haveI imagined futures that were sabotaged due to me acting out based on fears of what could be - that were normally not realized. Many of those fears were based on past conditions - mine or the person who I was with. I don't want to be a slave to my emotions - I am working on regaining the security I once shared - with people who were much less worthy than this wonderful woman I am now with. So much of this is me - within my head. My heart. So much of it was quelled this weekend when she admitted how much she needed me - she was afraid to lose ME. What an absolutely foreign concept - for so many; for so long; I have been interchangeable and disposable. Now I have found the most important person in my life - and she feels the same about me. I puzzle over my insecurities now because I don't want any stumbling blocks in our journey towards forever....

     At long last I have what I wanted. And She wants me. Now I am doing the work to be the best choice she has ever made - and the work to give her the life that I can give her - trying every day to make her as happy as she can be and giving her the love I can give her so completely. I am ready and willing to give my everything for this to all change..... to go Back to the Future we have imagined together....