My Last Will and Test Of Man

 While not legally binding, it is certainly emotionally so:

To my wife, I love my undying impassioned thankfulness. If ever sadness should stop by, take any random moment - from front step forevers to subtle surprise silliness in so many forms. Leave my body behind, for now my self travels at your hip in essence.

To my boy, I leave the world - as best I could unravel it for you. Only remember what I have said, as you get older it will unveil its current mysteries to you. There are so easy lessons only time can explain. Beyond all, be the person you were meant to be, but understand the world does not owe you to concern itself or agree with your combinations.

To my friends, I leave devotion that has not passed (though I may have). I hope your moments with me were complete and full - all I ever sought was to make my presence make a difference. Deep conversations or midnight runs to wal-mart; for that moment I hope there was nowhere you'd rather be.

To those who knew me in passing, I can only assume I left you something. For just a moment, I showed you who I was - and then you were able to take that with you. If you only gave the experience one more thought than it required, then it was worthwhile.

To the world, I leave my words. Hope, overcoming, becoming, rationality. In a lifetime of civility, I have watched so many of these things ripped from our vocabulary - perverted into catchphrases and sarcasms. I will cheer from the sidelines that the equality that comes from Logic will find its way into the futures yet found.

To myself, I give the thanks of knowing I did all I could with this form. I encountered the efficacy of eternity, I remained true to experiencing as many different things as I could, I found the self-respect to have the strength to stay true to my word, and I loved - many ways and many days. I have no regrets. 

Ignorance Costs Us All

Standing at the moral precipice

Looking out over a smoldering cauldron

In the distance, the winds of disappointment 

Collide with the futures long abandoned.

Reason rests quietly upon my brow

As its perverted cousin peaks out.

A million ounces of worry above me,

I seek the wisdom of a hummingbird

To inform my steps going forward

And to recognize the landscape

That spreads out to the southwest.

Remembrance of events not far past

Tint inner turmoil and cloud vision.

Eyes descend into increments of darkness

Equatable intake of air recognized

I move into my soul's darkest recesses

To determine my uneasy disappointment.

Underlying cause eventually uncovered,

I fall back in the respect of what I thought was

Very clearly exists only in my mind's eye.

The journey has not ended is disgrace,

Only taken detour for safer travels

Alongside one willing to chase a fantasy

At the potential cost of a lifelong friend.

How much of this I can endure

Is not for me to say, as the future holds truth.

In this moment, I am supporting my friend

While questioning their actions (and loyalty).

Peace

Hummingbird scurries

Aggressive and determined

Do you know of rest?

Hurts So Good

      There are so many different types of beauty in the world, yet we lump them all into one great pot for comparison. With a momentary appreciation and a presence of thought, it begins to detangle and become clearer in definition.

      There is the surrounding beauty we take for granted each day. The trees and the waterfalls and those slight glosses of light that fall on the landscape. It takes some doing to mentally detach ourselves from everyday events to notice and admire the wind's scent as it tickles across our skin. Something forgotten but easily recognizable. 

      Also in our daily lives is the outstanding beauty. Those things or people that stand out among the rest, moving us to comment (either to others or just ourselves) on how extraordinary they are. It's an enjoyment of witnessing an object of some wonder, but quickly forgotten as we move forward into the next moment. A butterfly strikes us in its grace and beauty, but rarely does it stay with us as we continue on.

       Then you are left with the rare breed of breathtaking beauty. Be it a certain landscape, or a certain person - this type of appreciation moves the spirit as well as the mind. It strikes you in such a way that is almost painful in its brilliance; your mind feels overwhelmed and your body on sensory overload when you look upon  "the person of your dreams". It engulfs you with desire and longing; that subtle nagging that you wish nothing more than to kiss and hold and be ever present in that moment of ecstasy. When it comes in the form of a person, you are left wanting to be with them completely, but also afraid to ever become trite or codependent in their eyes. Their loss would be like God ripping away a Great gift he gave to the world. This is a reminder that beauty is in the life force that we all carry within us, that it propels us all in our search for meaning.

     The power of beauty is as oft written about through man kinds history as the mystery of love, and therefore is no wonder these sensations are at the very soul of what we seek to exist completely. In its most guttural and purest form, a vision of beauty can be an amazing life event, a moment in time that echoes in our spirit for decades to come, always available to demonstrate that there is Divinity that still walks among us. We are drawn toward it instinctually, even as it threatens to destroy us (from within our comfort zone), it also inspires us and drives us to new heights of growth and aspiration for a better life.

Good Night

I just wanted to thank you 

For the laughs we share time after time

And have committed to doing for life.

The music we have experienced in unison

On its own would fill many people's

Pleasure centers for all they could imagine.

I'm not able to impress upon you

How much our time together

Flows through my mind for days before.

Your every accidental touch

Bristles me inside with anticipation;

Each time you caress my back,

My inner angst settles in my chest;

The times you hold my arm and look to me

The world is calm; the breath in my chest.

When I look into the coming sharing

And contemplate the forces at work,

A tsunami of sanctity rests upon my hope

Of the wonders we have left to discover

And the mark on existence we will leave.

Grab my hand and let's sprint forward

Whatever awaits us will be magnificent

With you on my arm and in my heart.

It's High Time I Wrote something Else

Love is a form of man's expression

So is it a surpise to learn

That the artists were high?

Filled with the dazzling sprarkle

Of man's inner booming voice,

A driving momentum

That propels them forward

Into the spotlight of the starshine.

When you are with me,

I can feel the air on my skin,

The breeze tickling my neck,

My breath upon my lip.

My eyes become filled with you,

While also being aware of 

Any advance that coud shatter

Our silent conspiracy of coupleness.

My muscles move me forward,

Ever hoping of some touch of you.

My body cries out to to grasp you,

Marveling at the gentle warmths

Of a shared love space intended.

My mind riddles me,

"What is she thinking right now?"

Coaxing,

"All the signs say she is locked in,

But I don't want to annoy or

Pain you for any longer."

Mocking,

"What stupid thing did we do this time?"

It is in these quiet commitments

A moment shared, never to be forgotten

Increase my desire to say all the things

That I want you to know and feel.

Wishing that I could implant

My feeling of right now into you.

A lifetime of love, a slice of forever,

A step into the other inside.

Art is everlasting, as my love for you (artistically)

I declare my essence yours to share-

From the Phoenix of Eterninty,

A gentle wing vibrates the events of time forth

The Humminbird de Corazon.

A Concert of calm in a furious beating.

The greatest compliment I can conjure

Is that the currency that is my experiences

The cost of a consequence frozen in my time?

I have handed you the value that is my 

Lasting memory, to be used at your discretion.

This exchange rate is variable, however,

So one best not sit back on their laurels,

Lest they lose the passion to apathy.

The greatest sins

Are to lose the Treasure Chest of creativity

Due to lackadaisical, uninspired works,

And to deplete the inclination of a potential

Spiritmaker due to the lack 

Of ambition or courage.

When you find the key to the next room

In the evolution of our existence

That sparks toward self-actualization,

And the ability to comprehend a universe-

The owner taking the Celestial Internal

And offering it to another in 

An exchange of understanding.

You are my every divergent daydream;

A capsule of my tender times;

The geyser of gratitude that 

Pushes me into consideration of

How much difference an "okay" makes.

To always prod me to recall just

How much a peaceful look from you

Would be more than any 

Pleasure I had ever conceptualized.

Wash over me; consume me

Your every atom a gift to life.

Water upon my cheek,

My throat choked at how

Idealistic and complete;

My mind collapses under the

Mere images of you. 

My art is in my love for you

Painted with the colors of my soul.

Sharing my life with you

Is more abstract and divine

Than those mountain majesties.

Thank you for your gift of you....

I am afraid all I have to offer is me.

However, I grow with any interest paid,

And can become the Van Gogh

That Van Gogh once was.

Don't ever let it go.

Is This What Nostradamus Felt like?

      One of the driving forces of bipolar is the desire (and ability) to act from a place of pure desire in every moment. Life is always in the 'now', and the decision has no future and no past. It is an incredibly free existence, as long as your decisions have no downstream impact. However, it is easy to imagine how destructive it could be when other responsibilities (job, people, creditors, health) are negatively impacted by a spur of the moment decision. You cannot reason against the disease process, and the damage is found in the aftermath.

      However, recently I have had remote visions that have slipped into my conscience, the likes of which I ever clearly see. A pattern of events that likely would unfold from an impulse decision considered in the throes of a maniacal fit. Where I once only saw the direct moment - "if this, then that", I now have begun seeing a more lateral sequence of events. If I stay up late drinking and carousing, work tomorrow will be challenging (or I may not go in at all). If I buy this thing I don't need now, I will only have to work harder later on to compensate. 

      If I do something to make the wife uncomfortable or unhappy, I will only create unrest within myself in the long run.

      Even though logically I am always aware that actions have consequences, it is only over the past few years I have begun to craft the skill of stopping for a moment to visualize the complete solution. There are times the event is worth it (risking sleep to comfort a friend) and those it is not (closing down the bar with the kids because - I'll deal with the fallout tomorrow!). I'm not sure I would christen this 'maturity' as much as continuing to evolve as a human being and a partner. It feels great to preempt problems I only create myself.

      In action, I choose to take responsibility. In choosing not to act, I do the same. Every memory doesn't need my mark, every purchase doesn't make sense and sometimes the only right reasoning is to do nothing at all. Good things come to those who wait.... Great things come to those who wait for a self actualized goal. The choice to not act is still a choice I make, not a dictate handed down to me by circumstance. Accepting my role instead of playing victim makes all the difference in the world.

Oh, the Humanity! (Pride, Shame and the Bookends)

       I go to bed with a heavy heart tonight, after the events of this day. This was one of those days that, when you sit down to review at the end of the night, there are very powerful images and ideas sprinkled throughout the day. A time when the human condition can be defined and reviewed clearly.

     My eight year old son spent today, his birthday, in the hospital watching the specter that has become his grandmother wither away. In a classic drama trope, life and death met at the crossroads, leaving a drug addled woman to give the gift of one more smile for my son to remember her by. When all else fails us mentally in our final days, love has shown it can pull us back to the surface for one last visit, no matter how fleeting. It's a wonderfully romantic notion of love conquering all, but in the end it remains that my son will always have the memories and a personal fairy godmother to learn from, even in passing.

     In juxtaposition, I got into a tiff with the love of my life that boiled down to a battle of pride, will and a determination to be heard. On it's own, I am embarrassed - not for the emotions, but for betraying myself by wasting a single second in negativity in the limited time I have to share with my doll face. It never ceases to amaze me how human.... how PETTY..... I can become when my learned emotions of pride, selfishness, discontent rears it ugly head - a contentious Cerebus of who handed down to me by society. When framed with the reality of my sons day, I feel so tiny, a small animal fighting for a snack. Yet even this knowledge won't always be enough to curb my actions when my little pride is wounded again. Why do we do this to ourselves.... Teaching our children the ethos of self protection in place of self celebration? Must I have an ego merely to rejoice in my being on this planet? Sharing the best of all possible outcomes with my chosen one?

     I cannot do anything to go back and unlearn the habits that continue to hinder me. What I can do is try to learn new habits that will elevate me past them. It won't be easy, but not much in my life that I have gained is. I can be sure things will never be easy, I just have to feel sure they are worth it.

A cold chill in the air

A mind lost in a sea

Of darkness and absence

In a moment of clarity

A light lifts above 

The faded horizon,

A last glimpse of what was

But never will be again.

A reminder of self

Kept inward to avoid breaking

Rejoiced upon and shared

As the Archangel hovers.

We should not need to 

Be reminded

That we must not forget.

Take away the scenery 

And the self pronounced

Obligations,

In order to be alive

One must take the time

To live. 

The true sign of 

A life lived

Comes at the end,

With a death

That releases

Instead of ends.

In the Quiet of Night

     In the down moments when I am left to my thoughts - no music, no conversation, no intrusions - it comes so crystal clear that I am blessed. Not fro

 A comparison standpoint of "then and now", but from a mental vantage point of now standing alone. I am certainly not one of the chosen, and my blessing comes without forsaking sin as governed by the Bible. The only sin (the ultimate sin?) I have avoided is in giving up; the luxury to stay stagnant and not move forward. I won't claim this was always by design, plenty of times in my life it was events that moved me forward when I wished only to give in. 

     I have a job I enjoy, a great deal of people to enjoy (and who enjoy me as well), friends who will look to me and profess their live, a wonderfully rainy night in San Francisco, I need nothing and want for little, the pursuit of my education, the boy and a partner I am thankful to have at my side. Thanks to the grand mixture of these sacraments, I am able to live every day with extremely memorable moments and the smile on my soul that makes everything somehow pleasant. This not not the end that many anticipate.

     It is the beginning.

     So often, we find success and live in it and forget to appreciate it and enjoy it fully each time. Even further, I feel it is my calling to do everything I can to share it with others and try to give them a way to head towards their own private nirvana. The road is not without traials, but it is littered with results if we only take the time to look. Something as simple as reaching out to someone new with our hearts and giving them a chance to surprise us can provide that day's worth of glee. Being open to love at any cost without providing rules. Being overjoyed now without comparing it to my past or referencing it against my future.

     Being willing to be happy without needing a reason for permission.

The Dark Side of Desire

       Feeling particularly loser-y today. Part of that is a natural byproduct of what I have for a mental baseline; but part of it is dissatisfaction with my status in a number of things. After all these years, all I ever wanted was to find love and true happiness - now I've done that and the other parts of life have my undivided attention - and my displeasure. I don't know what it will take to finally be at peace with my place in the world; I'm not sure that it's even possible as a person with bipolar.

     A crazy can dream, can't he?

     I'm vexed about my blog. When I undertook this endeavor 4 years ago, it was at the behest of my therapist at the time who felt I needed an outlet - and an outlet I have acheived. As I have continued on, I have wanted this blog to be a voice - that cry in the night I never had that helped people to think and reason and someone (something?) to let me know I wasn't alone. I Don't feel I have acheived that, and I begin to doubt myself...... Is the name too macabre? (A wonderful pun, certainly - but something that will be read by those in need?) Is the content too broad? Am I not nearly as interesting or lyrical as I imagine myself? Do I not post often enough? When I do post, do I write too much? The slow poison of truth is that when you desire to reach an audience outside of yourself; it becomes a matter of finding a formula that works and then trying to excel. I have always sought to help those in need; I have always wanted to be the person everyone thought could help.... but am I?

      I'm nervous about my education. I kick myself for not undertaking this endeavor as a young man; when my energy was limitless, my learning style was still fresh and my experience was limited and I didn't think so far into things. It is what it is. Now I am in class and the time demands (and dealing with people who don't seem to be engaged) is draining and unsettling. It also frustrates me that it makes me feel this way.... normal people don't worry about it and keep moving forward - they tell everyone at cocktail parties how they worked two jobs and took night classes to become the top of their craft. I don't have that in me.... the stress an desire to excel drains me; the thought of working full time right now is one that makes me feel like school would suffer almost immediately. I have an amazingly supportive wife who allows me my faults; but I am still shamed by this fault.

     I'm worried about work. Will the road be my money source? I had an interview with a company that I really want to work for; but have heard nothing back. Was I not interesting enough? Should I have followed up? If so, how? Am I just not someone who is worthy of the brass ring that so many acheive without effort? A loser in the making? Should I apply for disability? Am I too crazy for work? Or am I just not made for the modern workplace.... or people in general? I'm going with natural born loser.... check back with me tomorrow.

      I'm concerned about whether I have what it takes to complete my passion project - the books I have been researching for and collecting info for and dreaming of. Maybe I'm tapping a market no one wants? My idea might be boring.... my execution may be lax..... orI may not be capable of such great things. Greatness seems to always be for other people, not me. I'm just a common man from rural Virginia that found a way to play amoing the stars....

      I have so many desires that its hard to fit them all in a days time.... much less while trying to lead a "normal" existence. I got the wife I needed; but now that it's time to put up and shut up in other areas, I don't seem to be setting the world ablaze as I had hoped. A book of matches..... perhaps.

      My mind is not my friend today.....

It Gets Better

       "I'm so OLD!"

       The words bleed forth from my lips with such vitriol and contempt on a daily basis. It's true, I am older now than I have ever been (obviously). Other truths are that it takes a lot more work to stay somewhat healthy; my joints and body ache more intensley and for a lt longer than it did before; my memory is so faulty that IT is almost a memory. When I was a boy, teenagers were OLD. When I was a teenager, thirty seemed to be a horrifying transition towards being one of "the Ancient Ones". However, when I hit thirty, it occured to me that eighty is so far off; that MUST be what old looks like. Now that I have accomplished half of eighty, I am starting to see life in a different light. Some of that is due to my life circumstances taking a dramatic shift; but I have to attribute it also to having so many life experiences. Old doesn't mean the same today as it once did.

      Yes, effectively, I am old. Why is that a bad thing? What is the alternative? "Live fast; die young; leave a beautiful corpse"? That is a tantalizing panacea when you are living through the horrors of depression; but - it's nice to have made it this far and created so many wonderful markers in so many amazing people's lives. Getting old allows me understanding and the ability to determine things that a younger me would never have even given a second glance. Things I could never have imagined at thirty have happened in the past ten years of existence. Not all great things; but more than enough to make the trip one to smile upon when glancing at them in the reflections of a darkened window in the evening. I'm here. The echo of dispair resonates through my mind when I think about how it could have been. Through age I have learned to doubt my negative assumptions.

      As a twenty year old, I made a declaration to myself and all who would listen that if I wasn't married with a family by thirty, I would kill myself to end a lonely life. Time would prove that marriage wasn't any better than alone, depending on who your partner was. At times, it was worse. I won't say I "soldiered on"; more like I pushed through because I had given my word and I felt a responsibility to keep it to those around me. What if I had ended myself in those early days? Depression made it very possible to make my twenties the end of the beginning. I would never have seen Las Vegas. New York. San Francisco. Florence. I would never have tried a litany of foods. Cooking would have been a Hardy Boys mystery. I couldn't have learned the wonders of anime. Strip clubs. The book I am creating would have been lost to the cosmos. So many jokes untold; laughs not shared; pains left lurking in the souls of many.

       I would never have known the greatest love I have ever known: my son and my wife. The experience of having them both curled close to me - a pod of love and life that really has been the stamp of my later life.

      Ultimately, age has given me the vision of a true future. When you're young or even in your twenties, life seems like it will always be the limited scope of things you have experienced in those early days - mostly school, the struggle of finding your self, enjoying all the things we couldn't at a young age (generally to excess), financially battling toward comfort - all while learning how to interact with the world around you and learning to be a cog in the community construct. With practice comes mastery (either what is expected or what you have determined is the portrait you have chosen to hang on your face for the world), and confidence in what the world is and where you exist in it. For the first time in my life, the thought of eighty is one I can see vividly - the people I have in my life sitting with me in an old folks home. It takes twenty years to have a friend of two decades - another gift you can only accomplish by growing older.

      Believe me, when I wake up in the morning with my back creaking and my knees popping, it isn't what I envisioned would be my fate. However, it is a small price to pay for being able to kiss my wife good morning; talking to my son for hours; jokins with my closest friends throughout many moments painted against a black canvas. None of us are ever 100% happy nor is life always going to have us in a place of thanks and grins. I have found my content to know that I have far too much to appreciate to ever bemoan some extra shots and occasional daily discomforts. (Prostate exams notwithstanding) 

     If you are one of these young people who are caught in the depression of "Will this always be the way?", I can promise you it does get better. You just need to take the time now to learn and grow from the pain to remold yourself to be ready when the right people and right situation come along..... so that you feel worthy of your (eventual) "good fortune" that you have worked your whole life to acheive.

The Road (No Longer) Behind

       After a year off, the road once again calls. In my chosen line of work, there's a great opportunity to make fast money as a traveling consultant. As a married man, it will be difficult to leave my honey and my home for (potentially) a months time; but it is a circumstance of a short term loss for a long time gain. Life offers us all situations like this in our daily lives.

      My desire was to get a job here in "The City", settle in for some 9 to 5 and live life with my wife. Things changed. My job list ME, I decided to become a (statistic) 40 year old student and take the time to dedicate myself to being a full time student and part time earner. With the support of my incredible wife; I had the faith to move forward with this plan. Yet there is still a need for some income from me over the course of a year. I thought long and hard about the advantages of a 20 hour a week job paying minimum wage for the year - or go on the road and make the same amount in a month. It seems like an easy answer, but sleeping alone, being in different time zones trying to communicate and living out of a suitcase are hard conditions to get accustomed to when you have a wonderful life with a leading lady. I was willing to do the year to have the glory of waking to her face each day and be at home. However, the road called and allowed me a way to easily see my son and friends; so I chose the road for the chance to have time with the boy and 11 months of studies. 

     Rarely does life provide us a cut and dried answer to any meaningful decision; and we can choose to embrace that fact.  Pizza or burgers? Date A or Date B? Chocolate or peanut butter? (I bet Reese's cups were created to avoid said dilemma!) To stay or to to go? Hell, even the idea to accept life's rhythm or continue searching for greater truths is a choice without a clear cut winner. My philosophy is to follow my heart, my instincts, wherever they take me. Some people plan and eliminate as much chance as they can from the equation. Others still just choose to fly by the seat of their pants.  My decisions will be a part of my history; but the time to choose is always in the now. For us, now is all there ever will be.

It Could Not Be Any Other Way

      The immersive allure of "what if" is such a masochstic siren's song. It draws us in with hope of a different past; the complete ideal of circumstances providing us all a new outcome. It is so easy to rationalize the universe/ fate/ Gid choosing the things that leave us wanting.

     It's a poison we have each acquired in an attempt to forego the consequences of the decisions we have made throughout life. Does life have different paths for us all to choose? Certainly. Could our choices have turned out an alternate finale? No. Things turned out the way they were intended. Even when we ponder different information that might have led to us choosing another way; there is no way we am truly say that things would have been any different. 

     As we head into this new year; go forward and make the choices you feel are right. There's no reason to honestly believe that we have any earthly idea what awaits us after. New Years resolutions will fall; life will succeed and fall; and in the end we will have only our instincts. Be true and don't fall for the island of doubt and misery people.... Let's do this!!

Just Another Day...

     Today was supposed to be any other day: Wake up at 6:25, make the wife breakfast, settle in to do some work, follow it with some schoolwork, cook the wife dinner and go to bed at 9. As I am sure you can gather from the framing of my opening sentence, that is not what occured. That is why life can never be reproduced into a simulation! Variables are what make life...... life.

     I didn't awaken until 7:15 (after a fitful night of rest)- just in time to kiss the wife goodbye and settle in for a day of work projects and scholastic endeavors. Only one planned action into my day and I was already 0 for 1. When I logged into my work email at 8:30, I was greeted with a message, yesterday my boss requested me to attend a 1 on 1 session today at 10:30. Zoiks! Didn't see that email yesterday! I emailed a confirmation and whipped into getting ready mode, knowing that I had an hour drive ahead of me. Actions two and three now fell off the "will do" list, as I had somewhere else to be! Now as I was getting ready, I noticed that the wife had left her wallet on the table. Ruh roh! The wife is driving around on a quarter tank of gas, with no ID or payment options! No Bueno! I contact her to let her know to drive sane, and to try and get home to get her wallet before hitting the road to travel to meetings. Chivalry is NOT dead! I would have taken it to her myself, if not for my meeting! So, as I have alluded to on my blog before, my company is in the process of trimming positions, and at some point my job will be gone as well (probably by December). With that in mind, I drove to my office with a heart ready for the "final countdown" and an iron will ready to speak my mind. Upon my arrival, my boss is ringing my phone to ask if I had hit the road yet (I was half an hour early). It was an odd call. I go in side and he tells me to hang out for a few; which made my suspicions creep up even more - this was going to be it. Future endeavored. All during our meeting I was very blunt with him about what was going on and my capacity to execute while still employed; and I believe that provided me a stay of execution for the time being (for better or worse). I would like to find another job soon, and leave before I am asked not to come back, but.....  So, as I am leaving the boss' office, I ring the wife and she proceeds to ask me to meet her (after her work meeting) to get her gas; she hadn't made it home in time prior and was not gasfully endowed. Of course I went, but now all day of actions was out the window! Another one bites the dust. I killed an hour during her meeting, taking the free time to head over to the Applebee's and query the bartender there about how I might be able to get a job in the bartending industry (one of many options). Meeting up with the wife after, my love came strolling out with a mutual friend of ours; a little yellowjacket of a woman who had very clearly had her hive stirred this day. We consoled her for a few, and then off to lunch we went! We talked all about our days and vented about the absurdity of the situations we have surrounding us; with the wife reassuring me it was going to be okay for the two of us. I knew it was true because...... she had said so. All I needed to hear. We finish with lunch and get gas for her to get home; at that point she decides it's a good day to take an early exit and is going to come home with me. Score! We arrive at the homestead early enough that I suggest a bike ride; and she is on it! We get changed, take a quick cool ride, and return home tired (and in her case with a slight headache). We heated up some leftovers and, as of 8:30, are both in bed ready for sleep. Unless you counting heating leftovers, I was 0 for expectations. Life, amIright? I made sure to fullfill my poem a day challenge (See below), and at least GLANCE at my schoolwork. A day full of nothing special becomes an even busier day of nothing too special. I'm not unique - we all have lives that can become varied in the blink of an eye; but isn't it fun to reflect on sometimes?

The fleeting glance of a crush

The delicate touch of a lover

The honored bond of man and pet

The sincere devotion of a mother

The childish eyes of innocence

The tortured passion of alone

The smothering cynicism of truth

The harrowed echo of doubt

The scalding acid of greed

The contemptable regret of envy

In this world,

These things have found 

Themselves to be omnipresent;

Reimagined by humans

Throughout time 

Evolution of a Free Spirit

      As I sat on the couch with my wife today, talking to my college counselor, a light spark traveled from my ear to the base of my skull, down to my chest. I am at the crux of the life I refused to claim for so long. WIth the words, "You are enrolled....", I could see a horizon with new adventures and new beginnings for this old man. 

      Growing up, it had always frustrated me to watch a society - with schools, peers, parents and media - that pushed us all to find a way to fit into the same mold. Personalities forsaken; desires extinguished; skill sets forsaken. In order to become a meaningful participant in society; you were tasked with getting good grades in school, immediately moving into college and more learning, and moved right out into the world as cattle #54689. I didn't want that for myself. Success in my mind was not predicated on getting "the" job or making the most money. My heros were not based on their power or financial status; my heros were gleaned from those society viewed as different - those who had chose to stand for their own unique brand and personality. I spent many lonely hours getting to the core of who I am as a human being in order to best identify what I was and what I could give to the world - not what I needed to be in order to fill my "spot". In that vein, I have not changed. I place my worth to people on the good I can do more than the money I can make - and I still admire those who dare to be different.

      However, as the old saying goes - "Money talks; bullshit walks." As I inched into adulthood with the prospects of a family, it was obvious I would have to get finances from SOMEWHERE. With that fact in mind, I insisted on taking menial jobs - my diploma only allowed me certain access that everyone around me thought my "intelligence" should exceed. To my mind, I wasn't going to be another "sellout" - a college educated, smarmy egotist wearing my tie to work to be just another cog in the corporate machine. Sure, I needed to feed my family (and barter is no longer a viable option in modern America), but I was going to do it in a job as the common man! By the dirt on my hands and sweat on my brow; I would show that I earned my money through my toil and perseverance. I was still allowed to be me; as long as I stocked the shelves. I worked to work; and in turn got paid - but the work was the goal.

     It's funny how life begins to lead us when we refuse its gentle urgings. Fate. God's Will. Opportunity. Call it what you will, but it definitely shows through. If you choose to ignore the gifts; at some point you are looking to be the victim. Or have a pronounced fear of success. So, from an ad in the paper I land a technical job with one of the major companies in industry. I am asked to wear collared shirts and take on additional duties. Eventually, I am in a place of leadership with others who look to me for guidance. With a TIE. Over and over throughout the years; whatever it is that I am as a person has escalated me to greater and grander heights. It's easy to preach the gospel of "not selling out" when you are speaking in hushed tones to the mirror. When I became a sounding board for others; I didn't see the fairness in counseling them down from their dream of "joining the machine". They had a right to their definition of success - just as I had mine. In fact, as I progressed through the years and realized how much more difficult my lack of learning had made things; I began to wonder if there was another way for me to encapsulate success as well.

      Age isn't always wisdom; but with age I came to realize I could place myself into the machine and still maintain my self in the process. I have come to the epiphany that making a stand doesn't define you as an individual - it's the way you treat those around you; your ability to adapt and overcome life's question; the way you are true to your SELF while also fitting in with the numerous personalities and experiences that our peers present. Being an orginal is my definition - telling off color jokes in "power meetings"; finding the inspiration for books in the most interesting places; being willing to make decisions "on the fly" and stand by the outcome - no matter the ultimate conclusion. I define mysef very clearly in my words and deeds - this much is very apparent. Can everybody? I don't know. It takes a true sense of self to just be "in the moment" and always feel like the time is appropriately yours - a testament to your innocence. With my last career step, I was able to climb to heights that a younger me could never have fathomed - and an older me sees as the crossroads of a career that has run on talent alone.

      As with many of life cycles, I am shedding my old "skin" of expectations and assumptions; finally becoming the last of my childhood boogeymen. I will be a college student in the coming days - not to make more money or gain a better title; but because I feel I can make a better place of this world. I have realized in growing older that life is all about legacy - what are future generations going to remember about me? Did I do my best to leave my own novel that would be worth writing? With every smile, every kiss, every "I love you"; my personal legacy is more grandiose and illuminating. Now I want to expand my influence - I want to make a difference that is felt on more than just a limited local level. I want to develop or change or speak for an ideal that will make everyone feel better that I existed at all. Truly, I am - and that is the wonder. Whether I write the book that changes percetions; or acquire a degree and use it to better someone's day; or I just continue to proclaim to everyone I meet that what is in them is a many splendored thing - I will become. 

     Won't you join me?

Write Now....

     I have a thing for punny song titles......

     Dollface, this one might be tough for you to read; so perhaps you should not...

     Right now, I am with my Darling one over Mom's house doing relaxing. The family thing; even. It's such wonderfully boring beauty..... nothing missing. Nothing wasted. If I were to die right now; I would walk (Float? Shuffle? Waltz?) into the After Life with a huge smile on my face. I have reached that dutiful NIrvana that an only be found with the right person at the right point in life. The unventful everything that makes the most simple moment complete. It's one thing to accept death as inevitable; it's another to accept the life you have has reached the place where Death is not a fear - because you have seen the horizon. Or the Blinky Lights of Techno Strip clubbing. Or the gentle train through the Redwoods on a brisk Autumn day. 

     A look to my love makes me feel.... complete. Peaceful. Thankful. Thanksgiving is among us; and my bevy of thanks grows exponentially - Wife, friends, life events. I look forward to standing in front of my loved ones and thanking each of them for blessing me with their company and their loyalty. All too often it is lost in daily movement to just stop a minute and say thanks to those we love - just because they love us and support us so well doesn't minimize the desire to acknowledge their gifts.

      There was a time in the distant past when I wondered if anyone would attend my funeral when I died. For many years, I imagined a lonesome event where no one would notice or mourn my passing. A casket of one on a dim day under clouse with no one to identify that i had existed at all. I still can't imagine a parade of sentiment; but at long last I can imagine that I would have at least a baseball team's worth of send off. It's a lovely distinction; a sign of how far I have come - and the people I choose to associate with. Thank you all. 

Something More

Life blood

A need for something different

Excitement

An inner yearning for

Stimulation

A desire to be 

More than where we are now.

"In a rut" is historic

The collective moments

Of the same

Overwhelm;

Drive us to look for

Ways to grow ourselves

Through experience

And enjoyment.

Burning Hammer

      Sometimes, all you can do is push through and hope that life's forces reward you for persevering. There isn't always a way for you to overcome. Laying down to die isn't always an alternative at your disposal. More often than not in life, I have learned you just have to stand as strong as you can while life pummels you with a plethora of little abuses or one big hammer. There isn't always a better way. "You live and you learn"; a philosophical way of saying you get out of the situation any way you can with your self intact and hope that next time there will be the slightest window for you to escape from. Justice is not promised; very often in the modern day it is not even clearly decipherable.

      There are times you just have to shut up; stand down and take what's coming.

       In the end, isn't that what faith is all about? 

What a Difference a Day Makes!

       Yesterday was pole dancing; tonight was a celebration of Spanish dance (for Spanish Day, I believe...) with a highlight on my wife (and our best friends) particular Love - ME! I mean, Flamenco! For the uninitiated, Flamenco is the traditional style of dance associated with a lot of the polka dot outfits and such we all saw growing up watching movies. If you have never had a chance, you should really go to youtube and check it out. The dnce style can be powerful, graceful, playful, somber or celbrational - all in one performance.I am admittedly not a dancer; nor a dance afficianado; but it entertains me greatly to watch my wife, friends and their classmates practice to perform this skill in a set. More than likely, there are even classes in your area where you can go to learn this dance yourself. Do yourself a favor and broaden your horizons with just one dance video - I promise you will find more....

      In addition to the Arts of the evening, we also got a chance to hang out with our best friends. It's so magical when you find a person that you can just be in the moment and vibe with - it's even better when it's three other people like I have. The wife is amazing, the woman in the couple we hang with is so carefree, daring and determined - she has helped me feel like I could pursue a diferent course than most; and the guy is just like me as I was 15 years ago - sharp, funny, artistic, searching.It's exciting to share my knowledge with them but also to learn from them as well. When we all come together; things just..... happen. No subject is too sensitive; no joke is "too far"; No pretense is needed - just a shared honesty and enjoyment of being around each other and being "safe" to be who we are at any moment. No matter what any day brings, I cannot count myself as anything but blessed with the amazing set of friends I have found; the wife I yearned decades for; and the son I waited a lifetime for. Life is not often easy; but having these people in my circle makes me know that The Lord has seen fit to bless me with riches that money cannot buy or even compare to. None of you may ever see this blog; but I thank you all for being awesome; and I love you all for being you.

All Men Were Created. But With Apologies to the Founding Fathers...

     We were not all created equal. Sometimes my blogs are catharsis. Sometimes they are things I've been chewing on for a while but don't immediately know how to address. This blog is the latter. I'm going to get away from my theme lately of writing about my life and love.... because this has been bothering me - and this site is MY world; right? I lay down gravel for you all to travel..... but it is still my gravel. :) The funny thing about the determining state of the constitution is that TJ and GW and their brethren did not believe this statement - at most it applied to the other affluent (yes, WHITE) farm and business owning gentlemen of the day. I won't go over America's history - it's no worse than any other Nation and is; in many ways; a lot better than the World's Heavyweight Champion has acted through it's tenure as superpower.

     We aren't equals. Mom and Dad do many children an injustice by telling them - "Honey, you can do ANYTHING. You just have to want it." Can desire make average great? Yes; if the desire is powerful enough. Can ambition make an absolute lack of talent into average - much less great? No. In either case; there still isn't equality - some people can just sit down and write or philosiphize or self actualize or be happy or make others happy. It is my experience that I have to work at these things. I can sit down with these people and I can hang in a conversation - but I have to concentrate on what just flows from them with ease and precision. Are we equals? Perhaps from an outside view... but the reality is the person facing me is better at these things than I am. Does that make them a superior person? No. It makes them more skilled.

     The reality is we CAN't be "EQUALS" and in the same breath "originals" or even "individuals". It's part of proper society these days (mental void that it has become) to use these terms in relation to ones self - sometimes interchangeably. People just do NOT think before they speak - so much of "small talk" has become sound bites and cliches with a sprinkle of stupidity. Like "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" without the great music. To return to the point (Oh, tangent driven blogging), it is not possible to claim equality -  we don't have similar birthrights or histories or experiences or skill sets or even physical and mental capabilities. We are only equal in our inequality. No person can, in intellectual honesty, be measured against another - without bias. To want to do so is to stare at the sun in order to go blind and "find the dark". Madness.

     More importantly; it would seem that those who seek to be "equal" are insecure about there standing - period. IF I find myself equal - I can judge myself according to this other source. I will admit, I myself am guilty of this in my daily life - I can look on the actions of others with more compassion and less harsh judgement than I can look on my own. That is my opinion of how I am. Nothing so cliche as "I am my own worst critic". How can I know? How do I know what is in the heart of those who judge me? How can I know if their words truly echo their true feelings? That said; I can only judge that which comes from inside me. And so I will. I'm trying to break the "Equal" complex - trying to determine where I stand in a series of ways.

     Why does it matter where I stand? Why do I puzzle over the "big picture". IT always returns to the same place - I want it to matter I lived. I want it to matter that you are sitting at home reading this. I want it to matter that you are standing here with me - I want it to matter that of all the things you could do with your life right now - you chose this moment with me. Will I get a final tally on this before I die? I doubt it. My mark will be after I am gone..... how many will whisper my name in moments of sorrow? How many will say my name at night to God? Will anyone shed a tear at the mention of a moment shared? Will there be laughter at another of my many former hijinks?

     I will never know - and therefore living for this purpose is means..... I will never be aware of ends. I have to try.... I have to hope. I have to hope it will matter that I lived at all....