You Don't Say? (No, I Don't)

     I am not normal. I don't adhere to traditions by obligation; follow the lemmings to the end; blindly accept what is agreed upon without basis in fact. My bipolar brain gives me days where I pray for the "quiet mind" so many seem to have - a mind at rest when not challenged. The allure of "normal" is in it's universal understanding - and ability to just "drop it" once a subject has reached its apex. To mold oneself to the masses and just "get in where you fit in". Comfort as a part of the machine. 

      

     I don't carry an empty smile; an omnipresent forgiveness of mankind nor a mindset that accepts that creatures (of the four and two legged variety) should be let off the hook simply because it's more convenient to excuse misbehavior and ignorance (riots and mayhem) than it is to discipline the uprising in its infancy (a strong stand and jail time). I've never been one of the "beautiful people", therefore beholden to a given group or cross section of friends. I still believe in personal goals over great expectations; family values over "independence" and that this is a Nation "Under God..... and justice for all." (We are very clearly divisible among SO MANY lines; as sad as it is. Ignorantly so.) I don't have it in me to just work for a paycheck; to be satisfied with being mediocre and complacent; with following a title ("Manager") without thought to the logic of what I am being asked - and the self respect of always being ready to ask, "Why?" I chose my family ties based on whom I want to be associated with; not just the "sacred rite" of a family crest. Nor do I have any fear of death; I am whole in every moment and can accept that my day, too, shall come.

      However, we are not so different; the world and I. I want to be in love, ready to cherish and protect my closest companions and family. I look for ways in life to establish myself a "success" in an effort to earn the respect of my peers. I enjoy wearing my true smile and sharing it with the world to lugh along with me. Oh, I LOVE to laugh! I seek to learn, to grow, to become the best me that I can be - so that I can share the gift of my experience with everyone I come in contact with. I obey the laws of the land; for I am no degenerate - but I am open to expressing opposition in the correct forum when so inclined. I make assumptions in every day life for safety, but I judge a man based on the character he exudes toward me. I am gruff but I am fair - the embodiment of the agreement we all make while interacting with our species.

       This isn't one of those sugary sweet declarations that "we are all a family and should love one another". That's not me. We should all give people enough berth to just be. I don't ask that everyone like me or respect me or "get me" or even enjoy my company. If you are accepting of my person; then come along and let's play together and make memories that so many pass by every day. If you don't like me, just say that and lets move on. I am never mad at the truth- especially when it's YOUR truth - the world as you experience it. (Hell, I don't even like me some times!!) Life isn't difficult - humanity is. We have built societies to define a series of individuals; we have built mental defenses that cause us to stress uncertain futures to avoid "pain" (a bit ironic?); we define our indivduality by being a part of group; we accept doing things that don't benefit us because they are "the norm" and we silence our voices and despair over the state of affairs. When do we get to the point where we can just say - "Find what you are; what you want;  what you choose to be - and do THAT. Leave other people room to do their thing - help if you can or stay out of the way." Not in the hippie "I love you, Man!" context; more in the station of if you do YOU, how much happier could we all be? Where are the limits of self discovery? Where is the downfall of a group of talents versus a plethora of automatons? 

In A Sense

      Despite what we think as a society, school shootings have long been a part of the fabric of our culture in the United States. For whatever reason, out lineage of children and weapons seems to far outweigh those of our neighbors worldwide. Lost in the tragedy surrounding a child gone too far is often the leadup to horror and the aftermath left in their wake. A question to be asked about the escalating violence of recent times is - how much responsibility do adults play in prevention (or even escalation) of this plague?

     A parents responsibility to their child starts well before their child reaches "critical mass". The first responsibility is realizing there can never truly be a "bully free" zone. The excuse of these murders is bullying; but kids have been "bullied" for decades. Like any other form of society, there is a heirarchy that will have people of all kinds - including jerk kids that torment their classmates about their bodily differences, perceived intelligence or just general personality disparities. No amount of school "Supervision" will ever be able to catch it all - in fact accusing others of mistreatment is a very slippery slope towards another form of abuse. People aren't just. Life is not always a level playing field. Rather than teaching our children that a certain set of characterisitics will keep them safe; it is a better option to teach them to be resilient. Illustrate that life isn't fair; but teach them to think critically and move past the situation. With a belief in justice; a vigilante mindset can arise.

      Another place where kids seem to be harboring unrealistic expectations (as of late) seems to be in the arena of neededing a relationship - in High School! I was also interested in dating and having a girlfriend - but never to the point of violence! In the past year we have had two rampages from boys scorned....unfathomable. What an incredible sense of despair one must carry to want to hurt someone physically for not wanting to date. What beliefs are we extolling as a society to where this would be a progressive step towards madness? Love hurts at times.... but should it ever kill? Are kids today so disconnected and incredibly alone?

      Lost in all of this is the understanding that all of the individuals that wind up in these situations distributing death is that - somewhere they are obviously mentally disturbed. There is no making sense of such wonton acts of aggression; but how are so many slipping past those they are close to? Have family values fallen so far that people can't sense or understand when their children are descending into madness? On that point, guidance counselors are nice; but it may be time to institute a class for teaching pre teens and teens how to handle the stressors they all wade through in our modern society. Continuing to ignore the lesson being played out before us on an annual basis is a fools errand. Mandatory counseling group; buddy system - something to access more kids and give people a heads up to when someone is slipping from the mental safety zone. Metal detectors are fine and good - but it is time for us to "get ahead" of these troubled individuals BEFORE they start acting out.

      Adults are not left with their hands clean in this mess. How are these kids getting weapons? I don't know that there is a black market for teen and weapons; so my primary belief is that these kids are accessing these weapons in their environments outside of campus. Be it their own home or a friends home; adults are apparently leaving weapons available for young hands to acquire. So many times, the belief is there kid is responsibe and would never enact Death's Hand by harming others. It's a wonderful belief; but so many studies prove the drastic differences in people's mindsets and actions when they are in the grips of depression - or worse. So many of these stories begin with "how nice a young man" the perpetrator was..... enough's enough. I am a large and loud believer in our second amendment rights as American citizens. That does not, however, forego our responsibility to keep our commmunities and homes safe from an act of internal terrorism. It is time for adults to take more precautions with instruments of destruction. Or the time may come where society turns and our right to  arms is taken to protect the greater good.

     The last people I take issue with is our wonderful media and the 24 hours news channel desire for sensationalism. People point to video games as a reason for our kids being exposed to more violence now than ever; but what mesage are we sending with unending coverage of these tragedies? Gun violence is definitely a quest for power; so when a child sees the world in the grips of another story of horror, what are they to think about to power their ctions could create? Young minds are inexperiences - so many of them take their lives after inititiating these actions towards their schoolmates and realizing there is no way out. Even if it was the intent from the beginning - it is unthinkable. A child taking their own life is tragic. A child taking others lives is demonic.

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      There are many stories that lead to these moments of terror that are becoming uncomfortably common. There is no excusing the catalysts to a breakdown; but as a nation we have to accept what can be realistically contained and what is a knee jerk reaction to things that will be monitored but never truly come to an end. The time has come to lay these moments to rest; only by taking a hard look in the mirror as adults and caretakers about our responsibility in these occurences will lead to a change. I hope for our kids sake that we can do it. The victims of these tragedies number many - and at the end of it all stands parents crying for the children they have lost. Who can't understand an image like that? 

All Men Were Created. But With Apologies to the Founding Fathers...

     We were not all created equal. Sometimes my blogs are catharsis. Sometimes they are things I've been chewing on for a while but don't immediately know how to address. This blog is the latter. I'm going to get away from my theme lately of writing about my life and love.... because this has been bothering me - and this site is MY world; right? I lay down gravel for you all to travel..... but it is still my gravel. :) The funny thing about the determining state of the constitution is that TJ and GW and their brethren did not believe this statement - at most it applied to the other affluent (yes, WHITE) farm and business owning gentlemen of the day. I won't go over America's history - it's no worse than any other Nation and is; in many ways; a lot better than the World's Heavyweight Champion has acted through it's tenure as superpower.

     We aren't equals. Mom and Dad do many children an injustice by telling them - "Honey, you can do ANYTHING. You just have to want it." Can desire make average great? Yes; if the desire is powerful enough. Can ambition make an absolute lack of talent into average - much less great? No. In either case; there still isn't equality - some people can just sit down and write or philosiphize or self actualize or be happy or make others happy. It is my experience that I have to work at these things. I can sit down with these people and I can hang in a conversation - but I have to concentrate on what just flows from them with ease and precision. Are we equals? Perhaps from an outside view... but the reality is the person facing me is better at these things than I am. Does that make them a superior person? No. It makes them more skilled.

     The reality is we CAN't be "EQUALS" and in the same breath "originals" or even "individuals". It's part of proper society these days (mental void that it has become) to use these terms in relation to ones self - sometimes interchangeably. People just do NOT think before they speak - so much of "small talk" has become sound bites and cliches with a sprinkle of stupidity. Like "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" without the great music. To return to the point (Oh, tangent driven blogging), it is not possible to claim equality -  we don't have similar birthrights or histories or experiences or skill sets or even physical and mental capabilities. We are only equal in our inequality. No person can, in intellectual honesty, be measured against another - without bias. To want to do so is to stare at the sun in order to go blind and "find the dark". Madness.

     More importantly; it would seem that those who seek to be "equal" are insecure about there standing - period. IF I find myself equal - I can judge myself according to this other source. I will admit, I myself am guilty of this in my daily life - I can look on the actions of others with more compassion and less harsh judgement than I can look on my own. That is my opinion of how I am. Nothing so cliche as "I am my own worst critic". How can I know? How do I know what is in the heart of those who judge me? How can I know if their words truly echo their true feelings? That said; I can only judge that which comes from inside me. And so I will. I'm trying to break the "Equal" complex - trying to determine where I stand in a series of ways.

     Why does it matter where I stand? Why do I puzzle over the "big picture". IT always returns to the same place - I want it to matter I lived. I want it to matter that you are sitting at home reading this. I want it to matter that you are standing here with me - I want it to matter that of all the things you could do with your life right now - you chose this moment with me. Will I get a final tally on this before I die? I doubt it. My mark will be after I am gone..... how many will whisper my name in moments of sorrow? How many will say my name at night to God? Will anyone shed a tear at the mention of a moment shared? Will there be laughter at another of my many former hijinks?

     I will never know - and therefore living for this purpose is means..... I will never be aware of ends. I have to try.... I have to hope. I have to hope it will matter that I lived at all....