The Time Draws Near

These past six weeks have been fantastic

We have lived, we have learned

We have found a mellow peace.

Airplanes,Planetaruims and Apple

You were there for each step of the way.

A thank you doesn't seem quite enough

To relate my unending amount of joy

Trapped in each of our experiences.

As we head back toward the "Reality Monster"

Don't let go of tours of my homestead

Or tales woven from the fabric of my youth

Or looking out into a hurricane at my side.

Take these joys along with you 

And know that there will be many more

I love you.

*Symbolic Phrase Here*

      In a country where racism is bandied about with frequency while hardening back to yesteryear, it seems often that it will never go away. However, I feel like it remains a catchphrase with a blanket (stereotypical) meaning that does not always apply: white people are racist and that's where it begins and ends. The reality is that racism, under it's true guise of prejudice, is omnipresent in everyone of us. The sad truth is that the word "prejudice" has been stained due to decades of violence centered around race, although the word itself was not a negative one.

      "Prejudice"; very simply the act of pre-judging an event; is the abilities we used in the past to keep ourselves safe or using our experiences to make an informed decision. In a world without cell phones and motion detection lights, settlers had to pre-judge that a twig snapping in the forest might be a wolf. Even today, if you are a person that says you hate anything: dogs, cats, people from a certain profession (Lawyers, right?), people judged by their personal choices (trailer parks/ Hippies/ "Gangsters"/ Abercrombie & Fitch/ vegans), religious affiliation - than you have a prejudice. When you meet the "offending" party, you are going to assume a series of facts about them at the outset: making a pre-judgement. In modern America, that action puts your squarely as prejudice (and by default, racist). For me, it has always been the next step that differentiates hatred from the instinct of self preservation: actions.

      My Dad grew up deep in the country in a town of 200 white people in the 1950's. The first person of any color he ever saw was in his teens when the family went to a city. He was surprised by what he saw, but had all the prerequisite emotions that came with growing up in the time, and for his whole life he never had any comfort around other races, always "pre-judging" them to be a threat to him, to our safety and to the white race at large. That is the racism the forefathers of the civil rights movement dealt with in the 60's. Closed minded stereotypes that can't be changed by people of another race. He instilled a lot of his ideas in me as a young man, after all, he was my Dad. My opinions in his house on race, religion, politics and even relationships were instilled in me, but my personality style is not one to blindly follow anything. When I entered the real world as a young man, I knew all the things he had told me, but I have always kept an open mind about everything life has to offer. I learned a different reality on the subjects he expressed opinions on, while prejudice is not always incorrect either. Ask anyone NOT in a white hood what they feel about "Birth Of Nations". (See? I just made an assumption that most of you nodded in agreement.) The key to me is whether or not prejudice is the last level of thought you allow a person based on any certain characteristic. It's in eliminating an alternative that prejudice transitions into hate. However, intent is not considered in modern society, the "victims" make the rules of engagement on when they are being harassed or minimized, even if it is not that intent or in action.

       Why does this matter? True hate definitely still exists in this country based on hate, but every time something happens between a Caucasian and another race, it is not immediately racism on every count. It definitely is not "the same as it ever was", how demeaning to the millions in the 60's that endured unspoken horrors along the road. In fact, it seems that the "white devil" stereotype gets a pass on the racism scale, but it is just as racist and close minded as the people from the other side of the tracks. We will never agree on this issue until race dissolves as the primary identifier, then again, in the days where family reigned as an identifier, there were a million blood feuds over lineage.

      Why can't we all just leave each other alone? Befriend who you like; disassociate from people you don't enjoy their company, get mad when you are insulted as a person (not a part of a larger ideal) and just do your thing each day. It sounds naive, but why do we put so much stock in people that we are just looking for a negative experience from? I live my daily rut (commute, job, school) just to get to the good moments (wife, food, Netflix). I don't have the time, energy or desire to sit around seething hate for anything (except mushrooms). I don't get why everyone else can't? Does my bipolar actully aid me in the endeavor? If so, Gnarls Barkley pegged it.....

Smiles are Love's Currency

     When we are disagreeing, I am not obsessed with (or even arguing for) being right. I am fighting to be understood - what i say makes you feel my discomfort. I am "right" inasmuch as I am speaking to you from my perspective of the occurence. I only want you to hear that I am uncomfortable with our emotional void, and I want to get back to "happily ever after" as soon as possible.

Loving in the Real World

Come with me on this quest

Take my arm and let us begin.

You are the companion that

I have waited a lifetime to find,

The calling  and the commitment

That I have tried too many times.

I speak to you with fairy tales,

But let's root our expectations

In the realities of what is to come.

There will be times when I falter,

And disappointment and hurt

Will be your shrouded comrades.

Even with you to return to,

I will darken the door

Some days with a dark demeanor.

With giving my greatest effort,

I will act in a way that leaves you

Uncomfortable or without content.

I will not always remember

To use my best manners or

Tell you often enough how 

Much your presences so needed,

Due to no ill attitude from me.

There will be times when I am tired

Or anxious

Or sad,

Just as I will ask things of you

Even when you aren't prepared

To meet my needs or desire.

The reality is that coupling 

Is a time test of endurance: 

Existing well beyond the

Initial euphoria of love anew.

Be prepared for all the things

We will be asked to overcome

Before you respond to my offer

To spend the rest of my life.

If you are willing to be party

What I can promise you

Without any doubt or hesitation

Is that none will love you

More than I am capable of

And no one will try harder

To make life as wonderful to you

As you are to me.

The American Drain

      Why has it become so hard for us to be happy in modern America? The days of the wife, kids and white picket fence has become a parody of times long past. In meeting people each day, it becomes less and less frequent that I find a genuinely happy individual.

      In a world full of inventions geared towards entertaining us, we have lost the ability to just sit still and enjoy the simple things. Reading books, listening to the radio or simple crafts were passive, calming endeavors. Now, with thrilling TV, suspenseful video games and an Internet full of information, we are never quite able to turn our brains off and tune down. Staying mentally alert right up to bedtime makes sleep less restful overall.

      Also, having so many options to engage in takes away from the peaceful zen we once were able to accomplish each day with ease. When merely deciding HOW to relax becomes stressful, we have perverted the intent of the creation.

      In addition, there are so many fields in modern society where we get seduced into competing against a(n often idyllic) characterization of what accomplishment looks like. Whether it's the physical ideal presented in media, the monetary goal set by the amount of things we desire, the title we seek to validate our importance or even the status symbols we are judged by so often (clothes, jewelry, cars, house). With a litany of intoxicants to compare and contrast against those around us and admire, where can happiness arise? The once simple idea of enjoying the things you have has been supplanted by the unending pursuit of the possessions that can identify us as a victor, in some way. In fact, we negate our individuality when we submit to comparison in the void. Rather than competing in the rat race; when is it enough to just focus on doing best in life with what we are - not giving into a "wannabe"?

In the Quiet of Night

     In the down moments when I am left to my thoughts - no music, no conversation, no intrusions - it comes so crystal clear that I am blessed. Not fro

 A comparison standpoint of "then and now", but from a mental vantage point of now standing alone. I am certainly not one of the chosen, and my blessing comes without forsaking sin as governed by the Bible. The only sin (the ultimate sin?) I have avoided is in giving up; the luxury to stay stagnant and not move forward. I won't claim this was always by design, plenty of times in my life it was events that moved me forward when I wished only to give in. 

     I have a job I enjoy, a great deal of people to enjoy (and who enjoy me as well), friends who will look to me and profess their live, a wonderfully rainy night in San Francisco, I need nothing and want for little, the pursuit of my education, the boy and a partner I am thankful to have at my side. Thanks to the grand mixture of these sacraments, I am able to live every day with extremely memorable moments and the smile on my soul that makes everything somehow pleasant. This not not the end that many anticipate.

     It is the beginning.

     So often, we find success and live in it and forget to appreciate it and enjoy it fully each time. Even further, I feel it is my calling to do everything I can to share it with others and try to give them a way to head towards their own private nirvana. The road is not without traials, but it is littered with results if we only take the time to look. Something as simple as reaching out to someone new with our hearts and giving them a chance to surprise us can provide that day's worth of glee. Being open to love at any cost without providing rules. Being overjoyed now without comparing it to my past or referencing it against my future.

     Being willing to be happy without needing a reason for permission.

You Don't Say? (No, I Don't)

     I am not normal. I don't adhere to traditions by obligation; follow the lemmings to the end; blindly accept what is agreed upon without basis in fact. My bipolar brain gives me days where I pray for the "quiet mind" so many seem to have - a mind at rest when not challenged. The allure of "normal" is in it's universal understanding - and ability to just "drop it" once a subject has reached its apex. To mold oneself to the masses and just "get in where you fit in". Comfort as a part of the machine. 

      

     I don't carry an empty smile; an omnipresent forgiveness of mankind nor a mindset that accepts that creatures (of the four and two legged variety) should be let off the hook simply because it's more convenient to excuse misbehavior and ignorance (riots and mayhem) than it is to discipline the uprising in its infancy (a strong stand and jail time). I've never been one of the "beautiful people", therefore beholden to a given group or cross section of friends. I still believe in personal goals over great expectations; family values over "independence" and that this is a Nation "Under God..... and justice for all." (We are very clearly divisible among SO MANY lines; as sad as it is. Ignorantly so.) I don't have it in me to just work for a paycheck; to be satisfied with being mediocre and complacent; with following a title ("Manager") without thought to the logic of what I am being asked - and the self respect of always being ready to ask, "Why?" I chose my family ties based on whom I want to be associated with; not just the "sacred rite" of a family crest. Nor do I have any fear of death; I am whole in every moment and can accept that my day, too, shall come.

      However, we are not so different; the world and I. I want to be in love, ready to cherish and protect my closest companions and family. I look for ways in life to establish myself a "success" in an effort to earn the respect of my peers. I enjoy wearing my true smile and sharing it with the world to lugh along with me. Oh, I LOVE to laugh! I seek to learn, to grow, to become the best me that I can be - so that I can share the gift of my experience with everyone I come in contact with. I obey the laws of the land; for I am no degenerate - but I am open to expressing opposition in the correct forum when so inclined. I make assumptions in every day life for safety, but I judge a man based on the character he exudes toward me. I am gruff but I am fair - the embodiment of the agreement we all make while interacting with our species.

       This isn't one of those sugary sweet declarations that "we are all a family and should love one another". That's not me. We should all give people enough berth to just be. I don't ask that everyone like me or respect me or "get me" or even enjoy my company. If you are accepting of my person; then come along and let's play together and make memories that so many pass by every day. If you don't like me, just say that and lets move on. I am never mad at the truth- especially when it's YOUR truth - the world as you experience it. (Hell, I don't even like me some times!!) Life isn't difficult - humanity is. We have built societies to define a series of individuals; we have built mental defenses that cause us to stress uncertain futures to avoid "pain" (a bit ironic?); we define our indivduality by being a part of group; we accept doing things that don't benefit us because they are "the norm" and we silence our voices and despair over the state of affairs. When do we get to the point where we can just say - "Find what you are; what you want;  what you choose to be - and do THAT. Leave other people room to do their thing - help if you can or stay out of the way." Not in the hippie "I love you, Man!" context; more in the station of if you do YOU, how much happier could we all be? Where are the limits of self discovery? Where is the downfall of a group of talents versus a plethora of automatons? 

Time Past

     It occured to me today how wonderful and how perspective driven time truly is.  the effect of mood on time has been discussed so many times and ways throughout the centuries. Days pass, one into the other, at such a smooth pace that I barely even notice the movement of the calander until a holiday or momentous occasion arises to break up the ebb and flow.

     It would seem that when the mind is in a good place mentally, time seems to fly by! I was watching ESPN Today (because, College Football Championships!) and I saw that women's college basketball was in swing. It floored me for a moment because it seems like the Championship game for Basketball was just yesterday! Six months flying by; with so many great moments but not that feeling of time passing - just moving from one great moment to another and living in each and every one of them. Even my first five weeks of school comes to a close this coming Tuesday! There is a certain life comfort in being content.

     The movement of months is such a far cry from the horrible days of the past. There was a time when six months felt like an eternity - I couldn't even REMEMBER that far because so much happened at every turn. When your every day is an emotional ride peppered with constant stress and the ever present fear of misery, every day is a long, winding road to passing out and hoping not to have to do it all again the next day. Choas plays with an emotional mind; and I am so happy to no longer be in that place of disease. It took a long time; but waiting paid off with the (beginnings of) the life I always knew I was capable of - with the right support system. My dollface rules all!

Happy Now?

Heaven knows I have waited

All my days to unearth a

Partner that could support and

Provide me with the love I craved.

Your arrival in my universe was

Nirvana. Finally, I have the

Omnipotent power of love; the

Woman I have yearned for, so long.

      What a time to be alive. Over the past half century, the world has morphed into a technological wonderland that our ancestors would have found far fetched. With our advancement in bringing the world together; a lot of societal norms have evolved into new ideas and techinques that later generations will need to learn, or have been born into. The world will never be the same; the world is all new.

  

      Technology is one of those things that previously I have railed against for destroying people's abilities to be people; turning us into a nation of viral visions. This post is not going to rehash those ideals. I will say that, technology makes us all available (or confident) to be so many different things and to so many foreign places. The world has progressed to the point where making a simple phone call (especially in private life) is a novel concept; a last resort of corrospondence. No need to visit with friends and family, because they are simply a click away on our Facetime, Facebook or Twitter accounts.  We can allow people we have never even met in person to have full access to our lives in social media - how we are feeling; what we are eating; when we brush our teeth. Whereas many of us maintain our jingoistic pride; the internet is now the one true World Order; the place where we are all one - a part of the moving juggernaut of information and interaction. With a video camera and six seconds; a nobody from Oklahoma can become an international sensation in Germany. Where we once had our friends, family and locl community to shape our ideals; there is an abundance of opinions (learned, respected, and other) where we can uncover the entire spectrum from truth to fantasy on a range of topics. It fascinates me every time I log into my school online and know that - right now - somewhere else in the United States someone else is attempting the exact task I am doing from a completely different location. That's some Inception type stuff right there! It's funny - Absence once made the heart grow fonder; but in current day there is no real reason to be absent from anyone else. There is definitely a physical component missing; but it's more fullfilling then ever to "reach out and touch someone". How long before sceince comes up with a way to do that? In modern society, nothing is out of conceptual bounds.

     Time has also moved us past the idea that, in order to be an "upstanding citizen", once must fill a role and be a "type"; not themselves. I will save my vitriol on that for another day. The wonder of this paradigm shift is that - now for the first time in history - individuality is not only appreciated; it is encouraged. Being able to reach out to so many that are unlike us allows us to drop the facade and be all of what we are - shady, silly, goofy, creative, brilliant. Without the internet, would Rebecca Black have ever been known outside of her school, family and friends? Of course not. Youtube was the "boom tube" that allowed a full scale blast worldwide of her epic struggle to decide on cereal. Then, in an effort to assert their individuality, a slew of others took to Youtube to copy her and give their own "touch" to the product. Hey, not everyone gets the whole "individual" thing. Look at Punk Rock. Deny authority by conforming to your musical community. Nevertheless, people want to be seen and heard from and share their ideas - and that's a magnificent thing.

     Unless you were into Honey Boo Boo.

      Express yourself, people. Technology demands it!