How Can I Love You More?

I've given you everything I have to offer

My personality; my adoration; my honesty

You've promised me your nineties

In return for my unwavering commitment

We all have ghosts in the emotional machine

But the point of coupling is in a "couple".

I've left my dark in the distant abyss

Shown you my flaws and my shortcomings

In my own search for your eternal companionship.

The hardest part of discovering a dream

Is the devastation left in its chaotic chasm.

I'm not a base societal machination

Taught how to push the buttons for success

I am a defunct automaton of avarice

Who found in you a land where I could revive

Loving without shame and remorse

A festive pinnacle of individuality unchained.

Turn away from the norms of 'civility'

And join me in the path least traveled -

Love me without regard or regret.

I will hand you a butterfly from within

A sentient sunbeam of my intentions.

I can't love you any more than I do in action

So please do whatever it takes to meet me at the end.

Caught In A Sigh...

There are moments,

Moments I stand back

And revel at you.

You, who was waiting

When I found it to

Land in your yard.

It's those subtle slivers

That show thoughtfulness

Considering the absurd

And giggling with me.

A light of passage

That allowed me to

Become the 80's 

Song reference machine

I was always meant to be.

Once upon a rhyme,

A sad day was the norm -

But our infusion

Brought about 

Delicious delights,

A changing landscape,

And a simple rhythm.

Dance with me 

Into this thing called "wife"

And I promise to be yours

Forever.

Happily Ever After

How hard is happy?

Meeting multiple matches

Left longing for love.

Seeking simple sentences,

Illustrating inquisitive invites.

Which wisdom will worry:

The opaque outcome ongoing

Or desire to determine desire?

Taming the torrential tides

Regulating response to rumination

Allowing aspirations all arenas.

Puzzling potential partners,

Considering commitments and care,

Fear of forgotten foils finality.

Breathe beside your beau

Everyone experiences emptiness

Never for nothing; new names.

Qualities quietly qualified

Working within walls of want

Gathering gifts of generosity

Ultimately uniting universally

Knowing the kamikaze kiss

Attained after admitting to always.

Loving in the Real World

Come with me on this quest

Take my arm and let us begin.

You are the companion that

I have waited a lifetime to find,

The calling  and the commitment

That I have tried too many times.

I speak to you with fairy tales,

But let's root our expectations

In the realities of what is to come.

There will be times when I falter,

And disappointment and hurt

Will be your shrouded comrades.

Even with you to return to,

I will darken the door

Some days with a dark demeanor.

With giving my greatest effort,

I will act in a way that leaves you

Uncomfortable or without content.

I will not always remember

To use my best manners or

Tell you often enough how 

Much your presences so needed,

Due to no ill attitude from me.

There will be times when I am tired

Or anxious

Or sad,

Just as I will ask things of you

Even when you aren't prepared

To meet my needs or desire.

The reality is that coupling 

Is a time test of endurance: 

Existing well beyond the

Initial euphoria of love anew.

Be prepared for all the things

We will be asked to overcome

Before you respond to my offer

To spend the rest of my life.

If you are willing to be party

What I can promise you

Without any doubt or hesitation

Is that none will love you

More than I am capable of

And no one will try harder

To make life as wonderful to you

As you are to me.

Good Night

I just wanted to thank you 

For the laughs we share time after time

And have committed to doing for life.

The music we have experienced in unison

On its own would fill many people's

Pleasure centers for all they could imagine.

I'm not able to impress upon you

How much our time together

Flows through my mind for days before.

Your every accidental touch

Bristles me inside with anticipation;

Each time you caress my back,

My inner angst settles in my chest;

The times you hold my arm and look to me

The world is calm; the breath in my chest.

When I look into the coming sharing

And contemplate the forces at work,

A tsunami of sanctity rests upon my hope

Of the wonders we have left to discover

And the mark on existence we will leave.

Grab my hand and let's sprint forward

Whatever awaits us will be magnificent

With you on my arm and in my heart.

For Better? Simple.

     "For better or for worse" is one of those phrases that is iconic in society, but often is mentioned in pessimism and some disdain. "For worse" doesn't mean that things have gone sour between yourself and your love, it often just means someone is having a bad day and needs understanding. In my experience, there are a few ways you can help when your love is upset:

      Start by listening. Every day, a nation of spouses come home and tell the trails of their day; an interchange of release and discussion filling the air. However, on those really dark days, fight the urge to pontificate and just settle in and listen. In these moments, I find all I can say is "I love you," and "I don't know what to say but I understand." Nothing in this line of thought can heal, but in listening I hope to relieve the pressure in her heart and allow her to clear her mind. This is no small feat, especially for men. I'm not great at this, admittedly. My first instinct it to protect and correct the situation with advice. In doing so, I am not actively listening and causing her to think when she seeks to emote.

      Recognize when you are not the answer. There are going to be certain times when our significant others need another voice, when we have said all that we can say on a topic. Furthermore, if our spouse has taken the time and energy to develop a deep, meaningful relationship, then that other person can offer our spouse additional insight that we may be too emotionally biased to conceptualize. I am in no way threatened by my wife seeking an additional opinion in her life's travels. I don't know everything about ANYTHING; even my wife. If I want to talk video games, I call my best friend. Why should her interests run any different?

      Accept that others are not like you, but every one has common ideals on how they would like to be treated. I am an individual in a world of unique personalities, so how I think, feel or act in a given situation can be shared as my ideal, not fact. I cannot judge another persons actions through my viewfinder, as they have their own insights. However, when I choose my response to a given story, I can relate from how I would like to be treated when I am in a funk. Who doesn't like a kind word, a gentle hug (or a stiff drink!)? Can I really go wrong serving dinner and giving a massage? Sending a gentle text with inspirational quotes? Telling bad jokes? Who wouldn't appreciate that?

      Learn when you've done enough, but (s)he just needs time and space. This goes with the first ideal, but it's on the back end of the experience. This is another one I am still working on improving, as I have a hard time watching those I love be unhappy. My wife and I have agreed that if she wants to head to another room for personal time, I will respect her wishes and not follow; in return, she will come back to me when she finds her "center" once more. There are things we all experience that are more than the typical annoyances, and there are moments when we need to vent, refocus on our happiness (alone) and then come back from the woods. A modern day "voyage quest" to work through our angst; as it were. I have had to learn that this isn't my love turning away from comfort, rather, she is breaking the thought cycle and "letting go". A distinction in my mindset, not a difference of action.

     The commitment required to have a great relationship is the humility required to be a great partner. Doing for others is the ultimate panacea for helping our own ills - especially within a relationship. For those aspiring to love, be the person you would fall for. For those in love, don't lose the appreciation and wonder that love inhabits. Don't lose the fact that you have found a gift many search a lifetime for. Relationships can make us better people, in a healthy, loving environment. If given the opportunity to grow, everything one could ask may be found within the confines of a loving marriage. "For Worse" is remembering to be half of a whole...

Veni, vidi, non dominabatur

      How would you know if your significant other is happy? What indicator could a husband portray with others that sets someone at ease? Inawprld of suspicion and opportunity, it seems so foreign to identify a trait that prescribes the comfort of trust fully. 

      In a previous life, I could never pinpoint the actions that made me feel other husbands were fully committed to their wives, but I could sense it. Something in them shone through and demonstrated how happy they were with their life choice, and I never had that peace.

      Then I met my doll face.

      In my happiness with my life partner, I slowly began to realize early on that I was emitting that same vibe of inner sanctuary. In deLing with people in general (and women specifically), I began to notice a new trend in how I interacted. 

Where it was once a dismissive statement to mention I was married, I now say it aggressively - and without having to feel forced in doing so. I have a partner (and have made a choice) that makes me proud and that I wish to share with the world. I am thrilled to be defined (in part) by my marriage, as well as in my actions toward this other human being that graces my days. In strip clubs, at work and online, I am no longer portrayed as a "lone wolf", and I think the answer to how to know what someone feels lies in how excited they are to identify themselves clearly as a member of a unit - showing others that they are vulnerable, committed and unattainable. 

     I am no relationship counselor, but this is my take on something that lived in the core of me all along, but was not able to be released. I could sense it in others, but did not find it in my self until I had the proper protagonist. A gift left to me by man long ago, who was driven on instinct and identity. Who could ask for anything more?

One a Day Keeps the Attorney Away

      You probably think this post is about a litle "bump 'n' grind", don'tcha? While there is certainly NOTHING wrong, "with a little bump and grind" (except maybe chafing), this post will run more to the unheralded aspects that get forgotten or misplaced over time. Sex is important in a long term commitment; but as Bush once sang, "it's the little thing's that kill".

      In case I haven't been completely transparent by now; I really like my wife. A LOT. Ultimately, I garner great reward in making this beautiful woman smile each day. That said, there are many subtle things that I make a big deal about and make sure to do to show how much she means to me. It's not that everyone doesn't have their "little things"; but as we stay in a monagomous relationship and face the day to day grind and fulfill our responsibilities : we all get tired. One night, we just don't have the energy to get off the couch to go to the bedroom. Then it's another night. In time, a pattern forms, and a spouse is wondering why (s)he is now sleeping many nights alone in their bedroom. Of such small things are problems borne. On top of that, it is a no win situation - it's difficult as a grown adult to look at someone and say, "I don't like you sleeping on the couch away from me." and feeling like you are going to be taken seriously. It IS serious, however. Then the doubts start to creep...

      We have to stay cognizant and consistent with our "little gifts" of affection to our spouse. I am not ashamed to admit that I want to kiss my wife good morning and good night every day. Some days we miss; and that's okay; but it's always worth it to make the effort. Not the perfunctory dismissive affection that you look away during - an eye to eye smooch each morning that shows how happy I am to see her. So often, we as couples begin to eschew these tender moments; and it is so easy to do. It becomes like the furniture - a gesture in the background that is required - but it loses it's thoughtfullness and meaning. I always keep the emotion of how overjoyed I am to see this woman at the forefront of my thoughts. It helps me grunt myself off of the ottoman to go into the bedroom and kiss her into the night. Don't let the magic disapate - the hundreth kiss can mean every bit as much as the first one - with the idea in your mind that it is the same thing. The wife teases me about my liplock fascination; but I am certain she would notice if I started getting away from it. Wondering if I still felt the same. Or was I "settling into a rut". It's okay to become comfortable. It's not okay to "mail it in". Keep the passion for what (and who) you are doing ladies and gents! :)

     Sports (dramas for the ladies) is another of those places where relationships can go askew. I love me some sports, people: Football, Hockey, Basketball, Baseball - even pro wrestling. (Exhibition/ sport/ whatever). In a previous relationship, it was well known that you may as well count me persona non grata every Sunday in the fall and winter. What did that action relay to the other person? That Football was more important than she was. In that particular case, that was an accurate statement, but it's still not what we want to relay to other human beings. When it comes to my wife, I always make sure to ask if she would like to watch something else; willing to discuss and work things out so that I might watch the games I am dying to see; but not become a "TV commando". Same with her interests - we watch the news and Today show every morning because that is her thing! A loving spouse isn't going to make you sacrifice something you enjoy for NO reason - and as a loving person you have to be willing to sacrifice that thing FOR a good reason. Date night is one that immediately comes to mind - there have been countless times where date night, or a night at her mom's, or movie night, or a bike ride have overtaken any sport on TV. Time with the wife is far and away better than time staring at a TV. There have even been times where I have offered to go to the pub to watch or found alternative ideas to keep from boring her. Yet she remains and we always work it out. Nothing should ever be more important than time with your spouse and finding ways to agree on the actions within your relationship. Once you go into business for yourself, a couple becomes dueling factions. Compromise and conquer.

     Chores is another big one. You come home late because there was an accident on the freeway and you are met by your wife at the door. You kiss hello and head to the bedroom to change when you realize that dinner is not in the works. You lie down on the bed knowing that it is Monday and trash has to be taken out; but you just aren't feeling up to it. What happens next can make all the difference. You can "rise up", find the eye of the tiger, get the trash done and order Chinese; you can sit in bed to the point where she comes to "remind you" it's trash day and you say something snide about "dinner hour"; or you can just tell her if she wants to do it - get on that. You don't have the energy to do it right now. These options may seem funny; but I have seen (and even done in the past) variations of these reactions when it comes to doing the things in every day life that aren't as glorious. It's another example of making the whole less than the sum of its parts. If you don't just get the job done; either you are going to drive a rift in between you (for the evening or longer) or your wife will just do it (leaving you to feel bad and/ or her resentful). It's whart we signed on for; folks. "For better or worse". The overlying reponsibility should always be to what is going to make the most people content at a given time.

     Many of us believe a relationship is something we are "in" - like an umbrella two people have chosen to share. If I don't like sharing your umbrella; I can get my own and walk beside you - but the dynamic has changed. I look at my marriage as a creation of my wife and I - akin to a child we created and want to nurture and put ahead of my own selfish needs. I created this (with her), I have given my word to honor and respect it, and it is a part of me - not I a part of it. Perception can make all the difference - I don't feel the same desire to satiate a club I'm a part of as I do to please the family I made. There are a thousand more examples of ways we betray our little rituals, but the key to it all( for me) is to not lose sight of what started this journey. THe idea isn't to lure the other person in with false pretenses and then shift back to what you know. The idea is to change to become something greater and share that with your partner; each and every day.

     

What is Love?

      Age old question or keen 90's song?

 

                (I totally owned this cassette in the day...)

      What does love amount to in the modern world? It's so easy to say you love so many things that will no longer be relevant in six months..... but people fall victim to the idea so often. This especially applies when it comes to matters of relationships and family. We have been put in a position to be harried to get to the goal of being SOMEONE's "someone". Love isn't about finding who you can deal with; it's finding who you can't be without. I had to learn this lesson; it's a tough one to take. A love of convenience will provide some moments of joy, but many more moments of something within you that's "not quite right". The sincere form of love intended for you makes you feel so ALIVE.... in every moment an adventure; in the dark moments it hurts TO NOT BE HAPPY.  It's a huge sacrifice to give up ill feelings in the name of that special something that is so much greater. Many people can't do it. They are left with a feeling that it's too good to be true - so they sabotage themselves. The eternal "one that got away" is more often driven away by acts of protecting ones self when you feel "control" of your heart slipping away. In order to love; you must go all in. Risk it all to get it all.

      

     There is no other way.

I'm Better Than a Stick in the Eye!

     So, I find myself lately in a very odd state.... After years of feeling like I hd no purpose; i along the way started to feel like I could be something more. Now that I have become something more; I worry I am not enough. Lately I have been fighting to define my wants, needs and for respect. I still feel I am chasing something - something I have. My love and I have been working through issues - it has been difficult at times becuase our communication styles are so different - but at the end of it we both know we need and love one another and we find compromises or accept each others needs in order to move forward to forever. It pains me when we disagree. However, my darling said it best - all couples go through tough times. Indeed. It's the ones who walk from the flames that have a chance at greatness... I love you baby.

     In other news; I have been placed under a lot of internal scrutiny lately. It seems my wiles and charms haven't been enough to keep the detractors at bay. I am most certainly an acquired taste - but lately many of those around me have seemed to feel the taste to be bitter.... perhaps even unpleasant. God said it best - I am what I am. I'm trying to curb some  of the personality traits that I know no longer serve me in this new; enjoyable world I have found. The defense mechanisms and desire to win at every turn are remnants of an environment I no longer inhabit. I no longer live in a place where I need to wear my emotional body armor around the house. I suppose even I can still succumb to learned patterns.... ring bell and drool follows. in my mind; I know I am in a place of safety with a pertner who not only can provide me sanctuary - she WANTS to provide me sanctuary. I often remark to her that, "You are me" - but I don't always give her that assurance when I worry that she might hurt me. I'm  still scared; unfortunately. Not scared of her; scared of not being enough. Scared that my snoring or boring or bipolar or moods or ignorance or abilities (or lack thereof) or looks or jokes or words (apparently lots and LOTS of words) or baggage or fat might just one day be enough for her to say "enough". Does she ever hint to that? No. She argues it vociferiously. Its a little devil gnome at the bottom of my soul that still tells me that there is so much more I need to learn - Salsa dancing; learning to not cut into other people talking; remembering my household duties; more ways to show i appreciate her; better ways of speaking (or not speaking) as appropriate; new cooking techiniques (I'm learning to make her sashimi!! Any fans in Japan? Hey, that RHYMED!!); learning I am the one she has waited for. It's an interesting juxtaposition that when learning each other and what your couple is detined for and how to make the whole relationship thing work - it also becomes a time of great growth and (currently) great introspection to make your SELF a proper part of the (dynamic) duo. We fall in love for the people we find; but it is neccessary on some level to change in order to accomodate (happily) with new opinions; new ideals; new desires; new hobbies; new furniture. I'm in. She's in. The road will not always be easy...... but staying beside her is. The answers I seek (from her and myself) will not always be comfortable - but they will be meaningful. As with any crowning acheivement; the toil is what will ultimately make the result timeless.....

     So, the diet continues. There are many days where I am starving if I do not eat every two hours. Some days; I get so weak I cannot even move to eat something. It's a bit frightening how easily our body can shut down on us. On the plus side; I don't have the abdomen of a walrus for the first time in years - I will probably never be a sexy beast - but at least I no longer resemble a beast. My body itself feels fantastic - so much more fire and feeling and stamina than I have had in quite some time. I do mix in carbs on occasion; I support my doll face to the fullest - but I am much bigger than she and occasionally I have needs that only a hamburger can fill. :) I seem to have kicked my coke habit - I still drink them when I'm out (mostly); but I don't crave them as my drink of choice. That distinction now lies with my sparkling grape water. YUMYUMYUM. It's ironic; in limiting the foods I intake with the girlfincee; I have actually been opened to many things I NEVER would have found otherwise. God (and low carb diets!) works in mysterious ways....

     The final countdown to my divorce has begun! (Cue Europe here) All that is left is to establish a court date.... and I will be able to finally put stamp on a chapter of my life long gone. I am breathless with anticipation of this watershed event..... so much to follow....

     I am (living) proof that good things can come to those who wait. Thank you, Lord, for all You have decided to share with me in your creation. 

Don't You..... Forget About Me....

     As I am sure you are all aware; I have not blogged in a while - but for good reason...... I spent the weekend with my love celebrating our first anniversary. What an amazing milestone.... An annual rite of passage that tracks our progress - and our lives. It was a weekend filled with laughter and joy and PLANNING OUR FUTURE.... all the things it should be. There were gifts and surprises and Maps and journals and so many cool things! It was a 72 hour celebration complete with a surprise at the end - it didn't end. I stayed longer. I awoke next to my love and I said goodbye.... I started my week with the kiss that can never miss.....

     I have really had a strong hold on my reality over the past week - I am starting to settle in to not looking for what "could be". The next step in my evolution appears to be unlearning many of the conservative tendencies my environment taught me growing up. I continue to see so many patterns in things that have run throughout my existence.... They may not be wrong but they don't apply to my new world. What issue is a see through shirt in a city where people bike naked? However, how far is it before I become victim to absorbing my new surroundings? I am having to try and separate out which parts of these beliefs are mine - and which I have been taught to believe. I am conservative by nature; so it is hard to section off where my conservative side gives way to the "Bible Belt" teachings? I am also taking my girlfriends ideas into consideration on this journey; It's going to be a long road to setting my own thoughts in place. Even then; they are only mine. I don't ask that anyone else live by them - only that they understand if I seem uncomfortable at times. My perception is my reality - not a set of dictates handed down as gospel. No matter how definitively I state my thoughts on a subject.....

     The girlfriend and I have narrowed things down to the finals!!! We are getting married in a Church - already chosen; but we are between two final venues for the after party celebration! What an exciting time - an incredible hunt! We still have things to iron out.... To dance or not to dance? Cocktail hour or free time? Jazz, Blues, or other? Colors? Food styles? We are building our own masterpiece.... Our wedding is an artistic endeavor that will clearly be defined by the individuals in it! I want very much to go against the "wedding cliches"..... my hope is to have a wedding that when people think back to this night; it will stand out above and beyond all other receptions in the history of mankind. That's not too much to ask. :) More importantly; with this woman at my side - it's completely attainable.... 

     So, the diet is going okay. I am trying to do this exactly; but as my love will attest - I slip occasionally - but I keep hopping back on the horse. Eventually, this will be my life long ride; and you can't break 20 years in a day. I am learning more and more what to eat.... breaking my addiction to soda slowly...... but I am hungry much more often. It's so hard to imagine how awesomely delectable carbs are..... how full they make you. I burn my food in hours - I am learning the whole five times a day eating cycle - no small feat. In the long run; I know my support is imperative to my darling - and it is better for me and my insides down the road...... That's a win-win if ever there was one.

     My work is going well...... things are at the point where people seem to run on auto-pilot. I spend much of my day waiting for the one or two issues that come up - the rest of the time trying to find people to show additional items to or to help clarify the workflows. Exciting? No. A Great paycheck? It's alright.... Worthwhile? Absolutely. I am training the people who (literally) can stand between life and death. It is greatly satisfying to have a hand in the healing process.

     At the end of it all; my maturation continues. I am so satisfied and peaceful in life; in love; at work; at all. I just want to make the right choices and be the person that makes everyone's life better (in some way) by association. I don't know that I always accomplish my mission - but I keep plunging ahead. If I can just be successful more often than I fall short - then it means it's all worth it. In the end; we define ourselves by our own measure....