Growing?

Maturity makes another appearance

In my life as I move forward,

The questionable choices

That once whet my palate

Are tainted by experience.

The sweets aren't quite as tempting

The chaos not as welcoming.

Maturity comes with the understanding

Of the consequences that follow

Questionable good times. 

It is not a removal of choice

But rather the appreciation

Of treating the things you have

Worked so hard for

With respect;

Recognizing when a decision

Appeals to the ego

But not the memory.

For Better? Simple.

     "For better or for worse" is one of those phrases that is iconic in society, but often is mentioned in pessimism and some disdain. "For worse" doesn't mean that things have gone sour between yourself and your love, it often just means someone is having a bad day and needs understanding. In my experience, there are a few ways you can help when your love is upset:

      Start by listening. Every day, a nation of spouses come home and tell the trails of their day; an interchange of release and discussion filling the air. However, on those really dark days, fight the urge to pontificate and just settle in and listen. In these moments, I find all I can say is "I love you," and "I don't know what to say but I understand." Nothing in this line of thought can heal, but in listening I hope to relieve the pressure in her heart and allow her to clear her mind. This is no small feat, especially for men. I'm not great at this, admittedly. My first instinct it to protect and correct the situation with advice. In doing so, I am not actively listening and causing her to think when she seeks to emote.

      Recognize when you are not the answer. There are going to be certain times when our significant others need another voice, when we have said all that we can say on a topic. Furthermore, if our spouse has taken the time and energy to develop a deep, meaningful relationship, then that other person can offer our spouse additional insight that we may be too emotionally biased to conceptualize. I am in no way threatened by my wife seeking an additional opinion in her life's travels. I don't know everything about ANYTHING; even my wife. If I want to talk video games, I call my best friend. Why should her interests run any different?

      Accept that others are not like you, but every one has common ideals on how they would like to be treated. I am an individual in a world of unique personalities, so how I think, feel or act in a given situation can be shared as my ideal, not fact. I cannot judge another persons actions through my viewfinder, as they have their own insights. However, when I choose my response to a given story, I can relate from how I would like to be treated when I am in a funk. Who doesn't like a kind word, a gentle hug (or a stiff drink!)? Can I really go wrong serving dinner and giving a massage? Sending a gentle text with inspirational quotes? Telling bad jokes? Who wouldn't appreciate that?

      Learn when you've done enough, but (s)he just needs time and space. This goes with the first ideal, but it's on the back end of the experience. This is another one I am still working on improving, as I have a hard time watching those I love be unhappy. My wife and I have agreed that if she wants to head to another room for personal time, I will respect her wishes and not follow; in return, she will come back to me when she finds her "center" once more. There are things we all experience that are more than the typical annoyances, and there are moments when we need to vent, refocus on our happiness (alone) and then come back from the woods. A modern day "voyage quest" to work through our angst; as it were. I have had to learn that this isn't my love turning away from comfort, rather, she is breaking the thought cycle and "letting go". A distinction in my mindset, not a difference of action.

     The commitment required to have a great relationship is the humility required to be a great partner. Doing for others is the ultimate panacea for helping our own ills - especially within a relationship. For those aspiring to love, be the person you would fall for. For those in love, don't lose the appreciation and wonder that love inhabits. Don't lose the fact that you have found a gift many search a lifetime for. Relationships can make us better people, in a healthy, loving environment. If given the opportunity to grow, everything one could ask may be found within the confines of a loving marriage. "For Worse" is remembering to be half of a whole...

One a Day Keeps the Attorney Away

      You probably think this post is about a litle "bump 'n' grind", don'tcha? While there is certainly NOTHING wrong, "with a little bump and grind" (except maybe chafing), this post will run more to the unheralded aspects that get forgotten or misplaced over time. Sex is important in a long term commitment; but as Bush once sang, "it's the little thing's that kill".

      In case I haven't been completely transparent by now; I really like my wife. A LOT. Ultimately, I garner great reward in making this beautiful woman smile each day. That said, there are many subtle things that I make a big deal about and make sure to do to show how much she means to me. It's not that everyone doesn't have their "little things"; but as we stay in a monagomous relationship and face the day to day grind and fulfill our responsibilities : we all get tired. One night, we just don't have the energy to get off the couch to go to the bedroom. Then it's another night. In time, a pattern forms, and a spouse is wondering why (s)he is now sleeping many nights alone in their bedroom. Of such small things are problems borne. On top of that, it is a no win situation - it's difficult as a grown adult to look at someone and say, "I don't like you sleeping on the couch away from me." and feeling like you are going to be taken seriously. It IS serious, however. Then the doubts start to creep...

      We have to stay cognizant and consistent with our "little gifts" of affection to our spouse. I am not ashamed to admit that I want to kiss my wife good morning and good night every day. Some days we miss; and that's okay; but it's always worth it to make the effort. Not the perfunctory dismissive affection that you look away during - an eye to eye smooch each morning that shows how happy I am to see her. So often, we as couples begin to eschew these tender moments; and it is so easy to do. It becomes like the furniture - a gesture in the background that is required - but it loses it's thoughtfullness and meaning. I always keep the emotion of how overjoyed I am to see this woman at the forefront of my thoughts. It helps me grunt myself off of the ottoman to go into the bedroom and kiss her into the night. Don't let the magic disapate - the hundreth kiss can mean every bit as much as the first one - with the idea in your mind that it is the same thing. The wife teases me about my liplock fascination; but I am certain she would notice if I started getting away from it. Wondering if I still felt the same. Or was I "settling into a rut". It's okay to become comfortable. It's not okay to "mail it in". Keep the passion for what (and who) you are doing ladies and gents! :)

     Sports (dramas for the ladies) is another of those places where relationships can go askew. I love me some sports, people: Football, Hockey, Basketball, Baseball - even pro wrestling. (Exhibition/ sport/ whatever). In a previous relationship, it was well known that you may as well count me persona non grata every Sunday in the fall and winter. What did that action relay to the other person? That Football was more important than she was. In that particular case, that was an accurate statement, but it's still not what we want to relay to other human beings. When it comes to my wife, I always make sure to ask if she would like to watch something else; willing to discuss and work things out so that I might watch the games I am dying to see; but not become a "TV commando". Same with her interests - we watch the news and Today show every morning because that is her thing! A loving spouse isn't going to make you sacrifice something you enjoy for NO reason - and as a loving person you have to be willing to sacrifice that thing FOR a good reason. Date night is one that immediately comes to mind - there have been countless times where date night, or a night at her mom's, or movie night, or a bike ride have overtaken any sport on TV. Time with the wife is far and away better than time staring at a TV. There have even been times where I have offered to go to the pub to watch or found alternative ideas to keep from boring her. Yet she remains and we always work it out. Nothing should ever be more important than time with your spouse and finding ways to agree on the actions within your relationship. Once you go into business for yourself, a couple becomes dueling factions. Compromise and conquer.

     Chores is another big one. You come home late because there was an accident on the freeway and you are met by your wife at the door. You kiss hello and head to the bedroom to change when you realize that dinner is not in the works. You lie down on the bed knowing that it is Monday and trash has to be taken out; but you just aren't feeling up to it. What happens next can make all the difference. You can "rise up", find the eye of the tiger, get the trash done and order Chinese; you can sit in bed to the point where she comes to "remind you" it's trash day and you say something snide about "dinner hour"; or you can just tell her if she wants to do it - get on that. You don't have the energy to do it right now. These options may seem funny; but I have seen (and even done in the past) variations of these reactions when it comes to doing the things in every day life that aren't as glorious. It's another example of making the whole less than the sum of its parts. If you don't just get the job done; either you are going to drive a rift in between you (for the evening or longer) or your wife will just do it (leaving you to feel bad and/ or her resentful). It's whart we signed on for; folks. "For better or worse". The overlying reponsibility should always be to what is going to make the most people content at a given time.

     Many of us believe a relationship is something we are "in" - like an umbrella two people have chosen to share. If I don't like sharing your umbrella; I can get my own and walk beside you - but the dynamic has changed. I look at my marriage as a creation of my wife and I - akin to a child we created and want to nurture and put ahead of my own selfish needs. I created this (with her), I have given my word to honor and respect it, and it is a part of me - not I a part of it. Perception can make all the difference - I don't feel the same desire to satiate a club I'm a part of as I do to please the family I made. There are a thousand more examples of ways we betray our little rituals, but the key to it all( for me) is to not lose sight of what started this journey. THe idea isn't to lure the other person in with false pretenses and then shift back to what you know. The idea is to change to become something greater and share that with your partner; each and every day.

     

Of Boobs and Men

      Tonight, my wife and I went to a strip club (Why yes, I do have the greatest wife ever) to see the "Miss Nude San Francisco" be crowned. It was quite an event, with strippers from other clubs nearby all competing with the "Home Club" girl for the title. (Is that something you can put on your resume?) As the wife called early, the fix was in, and other more talented dancers took a back seat to home field advantage. The real draw, I think, was that girls from other clubs got to come in and be seen - kind of free publicity and a way for the girls from outside to make a quick buck. The "crowning" was an afterthought; it was kind of a "Stripper sampler" in some ways.....

      My wife gets it. In so many ways - due to maturity or life experiences (or lack thereof) or just a natural desire to play - she not only indulges theses yearnings to take her to the land of naked people; I feel as if she has found her own way to enjoy it along with me. Judging dancers; discussing outfits; watching the mouth breathers stare at the lightning quick fantasies playout on stage - there are many topics we find a middle ground in. Women so often want to deny mens natural urgings at the risk of being uncomfortable; without thinking about what EVERYONE'S natural reflex is when told "no". It is important that everyone in a relationship be able to be fully honest; or soon distrust and secrets arise.

      With that said; if guys want there wives to push their boundaries; it is up to us to make them feel safe and protected by us. I never miss an opportunity in real life (not just at the club) to comment how attractive my wife is or how irreplaceable she is. It does not diminish me in any way to admit that I need her and could NEVER find another woman to hold a candle to her. No matter how many lap dances I ever get or how many boobs I see bouncing on stage; my wife will always be the only item on my list of women to be intimate with. We just can't expect that women will want to go to strip clubs or do kinky things or even attend sporting events because that is what we want. We are men and they are different - that's what we love about them. You have to recognize their discomfort and do everything you can to let your wife know she is safe in that environment - and then be sure to always thank her for doing these wonderful things with you. In time, if she finds her own niche interests, then encourage that and try to nurture that - my wife has taken things I am interested in and studied a different way of looking at them and inevitably taught ME a thing or two about my passions.

     Who could ask for a better partner than that?

     About the club - it was a silly place! (Monty Python reference). No, it was actually a fun night - although the atmosphere was..... different. As soon as we walked in we were approached by a cute girl who ogled at my wife for a bit before offering to show us around. We got the grand tour and the night was off and running. I have noticed that when I am with my wife; I am not hassled by the strippers as much - and when they do approach, it is for her. BONUS. A lot of the girls at this club were very..... plain. Some pudgy, some grouchy looking, some small chested, a few "bolt ons" - it was nice to see real women with real bodies dancing. I know the fantasy is part of the sexual turn on for a lot of guys at clubs - but that's never been why I go. I like to deal with these girls as people - just like everyone else. I like when they talk real; I like when they look real. That's just me. My wife was the hottest girl in the place; with her clothes ON, and that is what really turned me on. I definitely married a physically, mentally and emotionally awesome juggernuat. With each passing woman I meet; it only confirms it more....