What You Really, Really Want?

Glistening grail of glory

Rests upon the pinnacle

Of yonder mountain.

Unsteady in its mount

Swaying to and fro

In the gusts of change.

Your focus steadfast,

Staring down the dream.

Sharing your destination

With all who may share

In the delights of your vision.

Living omnipresent 

In the coronation

Before the climb 

Has yet to be underway.

You spin tales of wonder

At what is to become,

While lending a blind eye

To the toil required

To claim that solitary

Golden moment of

Sacrifice found.

The failure isn't always

In choosing a goal

Eventually deemed too lofty,

But more often in the

Ignorance of all the

Sub-goals it takes

To aspire to the Heavens.

The Price (Not Twisted Sister)

     Tomorrow, I fly cross country to do work for a good amount of money. Most people would be over the moon, but the prospects of falling behind in school, not talking to the wife as often as I would like AND 28 days of 12 hours a day is crushing me. I'm trying to stay out of the mental loop, but it keeps dragging me back in. I don't want to be gone so long....

     Responsibility has a heavy price indeed....

The Dark Side of Desire

       Feeling particularly loser-y today. Part of that is a natural byproduct of what I have for a mental baseline; but part of it is dissatisfaction with my status in a number of things. After all these years, all I ever wanted was to find love and true happiness - now I've done that and the other parts of life have my undivided attention - and my displeasure. I don't know what it will take to finally be at peace with my place in the world; I'm not sure that it's even possible as a person with bipolar.

     A crazy can dream, can't he?

     I'm vexed about my blog. When I undertook this endeavor 4 years ago, it was at the behest of my therapist at the time who felt I needed an outlet - and an outlet I have acheived. As I have continued on, I have wanted this blog to be a voice - that cry in the night I never had that helped people to think and reason and someone (something?) to let me know I wasn't alone. I Don't feel I have acheived that, and I begin to doubt myself...... Is the name too macabre? (A wonderful pun, certainly - but something that will be read by those in need?) Is the content too broad? Am I not nearly as interesting or lyrical as I imagine myself? Do I not post often enough? When I do post, do I write too much? The slow poison of truth is that when you desire to reach an audience outside of yourself; it becomes a matter of finding a formula that works and then trying to excel. I have always sought to help those in need; I have always wanted to be the person everyone thought could help.... but am I?

      I'm nervous about my education. I kick myself for not undertaking this endeavor as a young man; when my energy was limitless, my learning style was still fresh and my experience was limited and I didn't think so far into things. It is what it is. Now I am in class and the time demands (and dealing with people who don't seem to be engaged) is draining and unsettling. It also frustrates me that it makes me feel this way.... normal people don't worry about it and keep moving forward - they tell everyone at cocktail parties how they worked two jobs and took night classes to become the top of their craft. I don't have that in me.... the stress an desire to excel drains me; the thought of working full time right now is one that makes me feel like school would suffer almost immediately. I have an amazingly supportive wife who allows me my faults; but I am still shamed by this fault.

     I'm worried about work. Will the road be my money source? I had an interview with a company that I really want to work for; but have heard nothing back. Was I not interesting enough? Should I have followed up? If so, how? Am I just not someone who is worthy of the brass ring that so many acheive without effort? A loser in the making? Should I apply for disability? Am I too crazy for work? Or am I just not made for the modern workplace.... or people in general? I'm going with natural born loser.... check back with me tomorrow.

      I'm concerned about whether I have what it takes to complete my passion project - the books I have been researching for and collecting info for and dreaming of. Maybe I'm tapping a market no one wants? My idea might be boring.... my execution may be lax..... orI may not be capable of such great things. Greatness seems to always be for other people, not me. I'm just a common man from rural Virginia that found a way to play amoing the stars....

      I have so many desires that its hard to fit them all in a days time.... much less while trying to lead a "normal" existence. I got the wife I needed; but now that it's time to put up and shut up in other areas, I don't seem to be setting the world ablaze as I had hoped. A book of matches..... perhaps.

      My mind is not my friend today.....

You Better Work.....

     It's so hard to be in such a tenuous position. For so many of us, it's more uncomfortable many times to anticipate the horror that is to come than to actually experience it. While I am not currently living in an in-between status of terror; it is very disconcerting in my career right now. However, with a silver lining firmly in place, is there a place to be unhappy?

      So, right now I am in the process of my position being "laid off" with my current company. I mention being in the process because there in't a definitive last day; therefore leading to short term future uncertainty and a middle area - do I quit my job (with it's lame duck status) for a job with less money or opportunity? Just to control my destiny? Am I better off to ride this out and apply for things after? As uncomfortble as it is overall; there is still a comfort to going to the same place everyday, seeing the same people, doing the same thing. Many people remind me that I am still getting a paycheck - which is a true statement - but there is a danger in holding on too long and missing another opportunity. It's also disconcerting to go in every day knowing that, in the long term, all my work amounts to very little. It causes me to feel very complacent and just sleep walk through many of my days. I've been applying for jobs I really want to do; saving the desperation for after there is finally an end date on the horizon. I think there will definitely be career move to a new industry in the coming months. As I set myself up in my school career, the new skills I acquire willl help me be confident and ease into the new world that awaits.

      One ray of light is that I have a contract for work next January. Knowing that I have a source of income makes my decision a little less immediate. The upside of the road is that money can come fast and makes everything a little more palatable. The downside is that for (up to) one month, I will be in a differnt time zone and communicating with and spending time with my wife will be at an unfortunate minimum. I would quote the line about desperate times, but in truth these are not desperate times. I am not in a prime position, but I have a lot of opportunitiess that my life experience and skill set allow for me. Ultimately, a few months of work next year could lead me to using the rest of my time over the next few years to applying myself to my studies.

      I have a ridiculous amount of things right now that I am interested in accomplishing. It's almost as if I have reached the height of my powers and I am ready to move into another level of my life. It's amazing what being in a good marriage can do. I also have such a wide array of friends now that have amazing skills and fantastic drive. I feel like there is something better waiting for me on the other end of the toil that comes with success. Last time I felt this way, I was able to climb the career leadder and find the love of my life. What could be awaiting me this time??

Don't You..... Forget About Me....

     As I am sure you are all aware; I have not blogged in a while - but for good reason...... I spent the weekend with my love celebrating our first anniversary. What an amazing milestone.... An annual rite of passage that tracks our progress - and our lives. It was a weekend filled with laughter and joy and PLANNING OUR FUTURE.... all the things it should be. There were gifts and surprises and Maps and journals and so many cool things! It was a 72 hour celebration complete with a surprise at the end - it didn't end. I stayed longer. I awoke next to my love and I said goodbye.... I started my week with the kiss that can never miss.....

     I have really had a strong hold on my reality over the past week - I am starting to settle in to not looking for what "could be". The next step in my evolution appears to be unlearning many of the conservative tendencies my environment taught me growing up. I continue to see so many patterns in things that have run throughout my existence.... They may not be wrong but they don't apply to my new world. What issue is a see through shirt in a city where people bike naked? However, how far is it before I become victim to absorbing my new surroundings? I am having to try and separate out which parts of these beliefs are mine - and which I have been taught to believe. I am conservative by nature; so it is hard to section off where my conservative side gives way to the "Bible Belt" teachings? I am also taking my girlfriends ideas into consideration on this journey; It's going to be a long road to setting my own thoughts in place. Even then; they are only mine. I don't ask that anyone else live by them - only that they understand if I seem uncomfortable at times. My perception is my reality - not a set of dictates handed down as gospel. No matter how definitively I state my thoughts on a subject.....

     The girlfriend and I have narrowed things down to the finals!!! We are getting married in a Church - already chosen; but we are between two final venues for the after party celebration! What an exciting time - an incredible hunt! We still have things to iron out.... To dance or not to dance? Cocktail hour or free time? Jazz, Blues, or other? Colors? Food styles? We are building our own masterpiece.... Our wedding is an artistic endeavor that will clearly be defined by the individuals in it! I want very much to go against the "wedding cliches"..... my hope is to have a wedding that when people think back to this night; it will stand out above and beyond all other receptions in the history of mankind. That's not too much to ask. :) More importantly; with this woman at my side - it's completely attainable.... 

     So, the diet is going okay. I am trying to do this exactly; but as my love will attest - I slip occasionally - but I keep hopping back on the horse. Eventually, this will be my life long ride; and you can't break 20 years in a day. I am learning more and more what to eat.... breaking my addiction to soda slowly...... but I am hungry much more often. It's so hard to imagine how awesomely delectable carbs are..... how full they make you. I burn my food in hours - I am learning the whole five times a day eating cycle - no small feat. In the long run; I know my support is imperative to my darling - and it is better for me and my insides down the road...... That's a win-win if ever there was one.

     My work is going well...... things are at the point where people seem to run on auto-pilot. I spend much of my day waiting for the one or two issues that come up - the rest of the time trying to find people to show additional items to or to help clarify the workflows. Exciting? No. A Great paycheck? It's alright.... Worthwhile? Absolutely. I am training the people who (literally) can stand between life and death. It is greatly satisfying to have a hand in the healing process.

     At the end of it all; my maturation continues. I am so satisfied and peaceful in life; in love; at work; at all. I just want to make the right choices and be the person that makes everyone's life better (in some way) by association. I don't know that I always accomplish my mission - but I keep plunging ahead. If I can just be successful more often than I fall short - then it means it's all worth it. In the end; we define ourselves by our own measure....

There's a Large Gap Between "You're Good Enough" and....

     "I shall not want". Actions may hold meaning; but words hold POWER. I continue my march of rebirth; luckily alongside a woman who knows there are things we need to do to succeed - and allows that - as any newborn creature - I will at times stumble; even fall. However, I always get back up, quickly returning to her side. It is thanks to her grooming and time and appreciation that I am even learning..... self appreciation? Confidence? Self-Love is too erotic a term. :) Whatever it is; it is something that is slowly starting to overtake the other voices that have been my companion for so long.... It is a gentle voice telling me I can rest easy - for all of my acceptance of others; I have at long last found someone who is accepting of me - someone who loves me, even with her eyes wide open.

     There is also an enormous gulf between "Good enough" and "extraordinary" when it comes to my work as well. I don't need (or even want) to be the star of the show; but I am not content just making the team either. I want to be a part of the machine - a part that is relevant and makes it go. I am working very hard at the skills I am developing as a trainer - it's not just about the information - I am trying to learn the psychology of delivery and building rapport and determining when information goes from relevant to overkill. The information I am disseminating a large and it is important - so I take my job with a large degree of seriousness as far as giving people what they need to be successful. I might do it with the occasional fart joke - but humor is a great motivator. :) I feel like I do what I do well; I just hope it's not overshadowed by the fact that I always have a quip and a smile....

     These two thoughts feed on one another...... I get kudos at work and it feeds my self worth and makes me want to work even harder at home to please my darling. My love gives me support and validation and it drives me through those dark moments where everything at work is coming down around me.... I do my best to exist in equilibrium.... the chaos from within makes stability and certainty one of my most cherished and valued commodities. Apparently, to the outside world, my easy nature and playful attitude translate to "confidence" (Oh, it's THAT book....); but the reality is I don't stop to think - I am able to be careless with myself because I just "do". Not so much confidence as the innocent (and perhaps self focused?) ramblings of a child.....

     I can feel myself starting to gain control of my inner tumult after so long. I was NOT perfect this weekend..... but there were a number of times I stayed aware of all that I was thinking and I let a lot of the non-productive thoughts collapse under the weight of their inability to offer anything to her; me; us. I'm starting to remember that EVERYTHING doesn't HAVE to be acknowledged - it is my responsibility to give my darling (and the WORLD) those parts of me I want them to react to. I am not without fault (I may never be); but I will make it (and I am off to a great start!) so that it is an occasional occurrence and not a daily obstacle. I owe it to her. I owe it to ME. I don't LIKE that part of me - but it is MY part and it is up to me how to best utilize it...

     For so long, I was  told how I was never wanted and I was never enough. In recent years; I have begun to struggle with (and coming to terms with) the notion that I was "good enough" to have the life others have and actually have the ability to be happy. A large leap of faith.... more like a series of bunny hops for me. I'm still working on this one. Now comes this leviathan of love to introduce the idea that not only am I "good enough" - but so much more than the "Average bear". Or Average Bare. (With apologies to Yogi....) Toto, we ain't in Kansas anymore. The funny thing is - her words and actions and looks and love show this to be a fact..... I may very well become more comfortable of her premise of my remarkableness before I can accept a more broad based ideal that I of a level to accomplish those things "normal" people do. Once I accept her definition of me as above average - what happens if one day I'm just "average"? Or I am having a "Below Average" kind of day? Does the standard change if you find me more capable and I accept that standard? Do I have more option to fail? Jobs most certainly work on this principle; but I hope special now will be special always. I give because I care; I give because I can.... I don't ever want to have to compete with my own accolades in order to keep things interesting or entertaining...

     This blog isn't extra-ordinary, but hopefully it's "good enough".