I Wanna Be Like You-ou-ou!

    The time my faults go from shining to searing is when that disappointing gaze washes into my psyche. I am so very flawed, and I have learned that the key to happiness is to not dwell on the poison of wishing to be anyone else. Yet, when the time comes and my shortcomings bind my capacity to rise, I fall into the pool of dreaming that is, "If only I was...". Thrashing about, wrists burning by my captors; ferociously I use my body to strike forward against the walls, hoping to ascend. Alas, my mind has changed, but my fate remains the same.

Chemical Restraints; Chemical Warfare

Why must you pin me down?

Not quite suffocating

But leaving me apathetic.

Unable to pursue passions

Not wanting to accomplish.

What awaits seems uncertain,

Unclear what it carries.

My sole focus darkens

Caged in the eternal now

Filtered from the future

Paralyzed in the present

Hated by history

Mourning my memories.

I call out through mental mud

Voice painting the horizon

With my unbridled agony.

No hope of a distant ear

Only a cathartic

Cry of constant contrition.

Enveloped by fixation

A barrage of flashbacks

Pummels my resilience

Searing my conscience 

And robbing me of my

Willing self preservation.

Nowhere to hide in the mind

My enemy, my self

With no hope it will cease

And no way to shield me;

I crumple to a wary knee

Battered, exhausted, hurting;

Yet unbroken; angry.

I am sure I have better

If my drive returns

There is so much that

I could accomplish.

When the restraints tie you down

From within your base of hope

And the mind that gives strength

Turns on you to wreck you;

Riding the storm out

Is the best you can hope

To get another chance

To be fully alive.

All Endings Aren't Storybook

     There is a widespread feeling among many that suicide is "an escape" or "the coward's way out" or a "final solution to a temporary problem". It irks me a great deal when I used to hear (and now read them all over the Internet - apparently teeming with Doctor's and certified therapists) the many reasons people cast shade upon the idea of someone (literally) taking their life in their hands (as opposed to the figurative ideal of straightening ones life, which is smiled upon). All mental illnesses are not the same, and not all of the mentally ill react to life stressors in the same manner. However, I can tell you for those who suffer many illnesses, suicide brings the hope of closure. Those who pass judgement upon us; telling us to "buck up" and "it gets better" will never understand the feeling of waking up each new day and not knowing what their mind will be up for that day. Or having to think about everything that people take for granted - sleep rhythms, drinking alcohol, even the amount of soda I drink in a day can affect my mood. (As well as my belly) Then you have the medications required to try and manage your illness (never cured), and you start to see a glimpse of the stress that merely being RESPONSIBLE for an illness like these can carry. Add to that the shame many of us feel (on some level) for not being able to control our internal typhoon when it sets upon our shores. Many with mental illness don't like to share it with the world, because people hardly ever understand, and this misunderstanding can lead to emotional crisis being dismissed as "a cry for help" or "a tantrum" and even "an excuse". Imagine a person in a dark place getting their emotional turmoil being dismissed out of hand, and what that must feel like.

     My first suicidal thoughts came at the age of 14, when I was living with a Father who had once abandoned me and a stepmother who psychologically tortured me. I had always been a bit darker than the kids around me, but never to the level of angst I would come to embody in the decades that followed. That night at dinner, I began crying in my spaghetti (not as good a song title as "tear in my beer"..... although "Sobbing in my spaghetti" might catch on) and my Father growled at me to go to my room. A short while later, he came in and asked me what was wrong, and I told him that I hated my life and wished I could die. He told me I was being "melodramatic" and that I needed to "toughen up". This was my first interaction with the snobbishness people handle bipolar with. My first suicide attempt that required hospitalization was at 19, and when faced with what ad happened (not decade yet!), both of my parents took the time to tell me to stop overreacting, and that they had not raised me to be a quitter. Today, I look back and laugh; at the time, it was a devastating introduction to the absolute carelessness people handle mental disease with. It just so happens that, to this day, I am very open about being bipolar with everyone in my world, and there are those (as I have grown) who are much better at respecting my limitations and my liabilities. My shame is not from being bipolar any longer, but from not being able to do more for those who love, support and provide me moments in a life worth living.

     Which brings me back to the beginning: suicide is often a desire for closure: to the sadness; the disappointment of not having the motor to match your desire; the mood swings; the responsibilities of being a person with a disease process and the unwelcome assumptions of the masses who can't see your malady and dismiss you out of hand. Suicide is also not a "cowards" way out; you can never understand how difficult it is to go against your internal programming that helps to keep us all alive. Suicide is a way to just stop the day to day melancholy; a way to stem the tide of despair (or agitation or discomfort or fear) that washes over you each day that your mind is "not quite right". In your darkest hour, when all hope seems lost, it at least provides the tumultuous mind an option to the existence it is currently suffering from. Like many other thoughts, it is harmless in our mind, but becomes something much darker when brought into reality. No one has the right to interpret the level of agony that someone who is brave enough to mention mental distress might be going through. No one ever taunts cancer patients for losing weight, but a tortured mind can be dismissed out of hand as unmotivated. Unwilling to "pick yourself up". Giving up.

     A quitter.

     Yes, I have reached a place in my life where suicide is a long ago lesson, and even my bipolar has gone from raging Cyclops to irritable gnomes, and a large part of that goes to finally gathering a great supporting cast around me. At last, I have a wife who cares and seeks to understand and forgives me my (hopefully) occasional trespasses. A best friend who will talk to me on any level I go down, and whose own battles give him a darker, more direct understanding of how I exist. A great number of close friends and acquaintances at my job that accept and encourage me in my darkest moments. Lastly, I have come to recognize over the course of my life that, without my bipolar and my suffering and my suicide attempts, I wouldn't be who I have become. I wouldn't be the voice others could turn to and feel accepted and understood when they are in pain. I wouldn't be so open to any experience or trying new things, as my bipolar beliefs have opened me up to. I wouldn't comprehend so completely the savage fluctuations of a life, mind and emotions in turmoil. I don't hate my diease, it has made me what I am. I do, however, wish some days that I were able to offer more to my wife and friends. I'm not always up to going out when everyone else is ready. How must my wife feel when I tell her I called out from work again because my mind is not ready for people? Does she truly understand? Is there a small voice in the back of her mind that questions if I just wanted to sleep in? How must my managers take it when I call out, again, for mental unrest? Does society have one iota?

     About society: why has mental illness always been so hard to accept? In a world where so many are standing with their hand out to the Government to make things better politically, why is it not imperative to sure the plight of the mentally ill that we all can (in some way) relate to? Why is it that race and sex and religion and acceptance are on every debate, yet no one can find the time, means and money to build facilities or monitor people with illness? Where I live right now, I have a young lady who was recently diagnosed with bipolar, but cannot find hep because there aren't enough outlets for her to learn how to work through this life changing experience? The local papers cry out for not harassing drug dealers or getting homeless off the streets, but the only mention of mental illness comes when discussing drug addicts and those inhabiting skid row? Just because I have made it as far as I have in life (I.e. I share a home and have a job while going to school), that solute lay does not leave me not wanting at times - wanting for a voice to say it's going to be okay. Yet my struggle to find light behind the dark shade of despair isn't a sexy enough topic - it doesn't get people mad enough to go and vote their allegiance to a cause. The mentally ill are taught that we are bastardized children that God must have used subpar parts in creating, and that our problems are ours alone to bear. We have come a long way since we were getting holes frilled in our heads to release the demons, but giving me a medication that effectively lobotomies an individual isn't a whole lot better.

     Will it ever change?

Two Moods, One Mind

Do not resist

The voices of dissent will wash over you.

Do not fixate

The options are limitless,

And a clenched fist

Gathers nothing.

Do not panic

The thoughts that fly past you

Electric and elusive

Will come into focus in you calm.

Do not give in

To the despair that clouds your mind.

It is fog on a California morning,

Obscuring your sight from the beauty

That you inhabit.

Do not settle

You deserve to be with someone

Who finds happiness in your joy,

And peace with your pain.

Do not remain stagnant

There is much for you to experience

You are capable of great moments

Where those who stay still

Are not.

Do not compare

For you are even more unique than many

With an ability to see and share the world

In a way that only very few are able.

Do not forget

That which makes you flawed

Also makes you extraordinary.

Then, the Rage

     After days of depression comes the flip side of bipolar - the manic phases filled with irritability and a lack of patience for people's shortcomings. Not the best combination when you are working in retail. Especially in the "big city" with snobbish jerks and self righteous retards. Just to make the perfect horror show, I forgot to take my medication this morning. All the seeds were planted for a combustible combonation.
      I tried to start my day off well, listening to my music on the way into work to try and set my mood in the right way. The traffic was the same stupid people in bruises as always, but I navigated it the same as always - leaving early to allow plenty of time and less stress to arriving on time. I talked with my wife and my best friend about the (very positive) decision I had made in the past 24 hours, and they certainly helped make me feel like the darkness of depression had passed and I felt much better about myself and my choices. There were two polar opposites (see what I did there?) that were coming together to produce a day that could go any number of ways. That is what awaited me....
     When I got to work, I felt really good and the day started off well. In what would become a running theme, I had the first of a number of customers who came into the Apple store with a dark aura and a chippy attitude. The strain of my mental condition combined with these people who feel justified in being jerks to customer service agents made it very necessary to keep my emotions in constant view and take breathers when needed. All the way up until close, people came in with surly demeanors, like there was a bad moon afoot. However, with the support of my coworkers and my internal resilience, I made it through the day with my head held high and my knuckles unmarred.
     What people generally misunderstand about bipolar is the mania side of the equation. Depression is relatively easy to understand, as we all have experience with being 'blue' or 'miserable', if not worse. However, mania gets the reputation for those in a manic state buying new cars or feeling invincible; leaving many to think that mania is a 'pleasant' type of disease to have, much like having a nymphomaniac (there's that word again) for a wife. Much like the latter, there is a leering dark side to mania where it leaves the sufferer to feel highly irritable, having racing thoughts that leave you unable to concentrate, gives you a tendency to fixate constantly on something dark in your mind that tortures you incessantly and shifts decision making focus from logic to pleasure (the pleasure principle - therein explaining where the new car that can't be paid for comes from - and worse), It's hard to explain in a way to people who don't have mania how disconcerting and frustrating it is to be in a frame of mind to act out in fun for the moment that you will pay for greatly after you 'come down'. Racing thoughts seems like a good thing - thinking about fie or six things at one time - but it's not a complete thought process, it's just multiple things clouding your mind with an inability to grasp and manipulate any of them, leaving me confused and frustrated by my inability to function mentally at my best. Notice, however, that I didn't use the Hollywood standard of uncontrolled violence. Frustration and violence are different things, HOLLYWOOD.
     I made it through one of thousands of days I have spent in my life riding the wild fluctuations involved in the bipolar disease process.I have never asked pity or excuse for what I have, only understanding from those who might give me the benefit of the doubt. I have a day of rest ahead, after which I will take my medication and try and get back to the right frame of mind before work on Sunday. I can rest easy on my ability to (finally) make a mature decision and the God sent support system I have in my wife, my best friend and those who care for me and are willing to listen to my maniacal mumblings until I can finally figure it our or here it for myself. I'm getting better......

The Dark Side of Desire

       Feeling particularly loser-y today. Part of that is a natural byproduct of what I have for a mental baseline; but part of it is dissatisfaction with my status in a number of things. After all these years, all I ever wanted was to find love and true happiness - now I've done that and the other parts of life have my undivided attention - and my displeasure. I don't know what it will take to finally be at peace with my place in the world; I'm not sure that it's even possible as a person with bipolar.

     A crazy can dream, can't he?

     I'm vexed about my blog. When I undertook this endeavor 4 years ago, it was at the behest of my therapist at the time who felt I needed an outlet - and an outlet I have acheived. As I have continued on, I have wanted this blog to be a voice - that cry in the night I never had that helped people to think and reason and someone (something?) to let me know I wasn't alone. I Don't feel I have acheived that, and I begin to doubt myself...... Is the name too macabre? (A wonderful pun, certainly - but something that will be read by those in need?) Is the content too broad? Am I not nearly as interesting or lyrical as I imagine myself? Do I not post often enough? When I do post, do I write too much? The slow poison of truth is that when you desire to reach an audience outside of yourself; it becomes a matter of finding a formula that works and then trying to excel. I have always sought to help those in need; I have always wanted to be the person everyone thought could help.... but am I?

      I'm nervous about my education. I kick myself for not undertaking this endeavor as a young man; when my energy was limitless, my learning style was still fresh and my experience was limited and I didn't think so far into things. It is what it is. Now I am in class and the time demands (and dealing with people who don't seem to be engaged) is draining and unsettling. It also frustrates me that it makes me feel this way.... normal people don't worry about it and keep moving forward - they tell everyone at cocktail parties how they worked two jobs and took night classes to become the top of their craft. I don't have that in me.... the stress an desire to excel drains me; the thought of working full time right now is one that makes me feel like school would suffer almost immediately. I have an amazingly supportive wife who allows me my faults; but I am still shamed by this fault.

     I'm worried about work. Will the road be my money source? I had an interview with a company that I really want to work for; but have heard nothing back. Was I not interesting enough? Should I have followed up? If so, how? Am I just not someone who is worthy of the brass ring that so many acheive without effort? A loser in the making? Should I apply for disability? Am I too crazy for work? Or am I just not made for the modern workplace.... or people in general? I'm going with natural born loser.... check back with me tomorrow.

      I'm concerned about whether I have what it takes to complete my passion project - the books I have been researching for and collecting info for and dreaming of. Maybe I'm tapping a market no one wants? My idea might be boring.... my execution may be lax..... orI may not be capable of such great things. Greatness seems to always be for other people, not me. I'm just a common man from rural Virginia that found a way to play amoing the stars....

      I have so many desires that its hard to fit them all in a days time.... much less while trying to lead a "normal" existence. I got the wife I needed; but now that it's time to put up and shut up in other areas, I don't seem to be setting the world ablaze as I had hoped. A book of matches..... perhaps.

      My mind is not my friend today.....

Two Mental Conditions Walk Into a Bar.....

This Post was written a few weeks ago; and in my state at the time I didn't post it. I'm only posting it now as another example of what the face of bipolar looks like. It's not pretty folks.... If you know someone with it; understand that their inner workings don't allow them escape.... or the ability to be rational.....

     So, today I was told I might have abandonment issues.... to go with the joy of my bipolar depression. Oh the hits just keep on coming. Upon investigation I came to find that..... it's absolutely correct. How many flaws can one man have? Did God just throw all the spare and broken parts in me to see if I could give life a whirl? To see how much suffering one person can take? I'm not going on the "Whoa is me" kick.... I just imagine what I could be and do for others if I was a little stupider and a lot less mentally broken. As it stands now; I am causing distress to one of the greatest things in my life - and my mental abilities pick up on this and are kind enough to help me string myself to the nearest cross. Awesome. I don't want to be a martyr; I want to be a husband. I want my life to have mattered - to have a made a difference to others - but I also want it to matter to ME.... to have the ability to not cost myself so many of the great moments I dream about when I think of what life could be like.

     But, at every turn, people grow disappointed and despairing in my presence. I always wind up being too much me and not enough everyone else.

     I am struggling today.... I have been struggling for a while. I feel like I just can't measure up - at work; at home; in bed; in Scrabble; in baby making; in parenting; in life. 

     Then I find out that I have MORE reasons to fail at life.... How the hell have I gotten this far? It can't all be luck; it certainly isn't all skill - it again feels like God put so much of the worst things and a few of the okay things and mixed them up to make a perfectly imperfect and annoying me. It is funny though - abandonment issues definition read like every popular fairy tale - from Romeo and Juliet to Disney - that you have ever seen. I mean hell, Romeo KILLED himself in a fit of despair. Yet today we turn our nose up at the idea of undying devotion and feeling of connection. 

     Who am I kidding? I can't philosophize right now - I'm stuck on stupid. I just keep trudging forth.... one foot in front of another - trying not to cost myself a great opportunity while also not shutting down - and costing myself a greater opportunity.

     I just wish sometimes I wasn't me. I don't want to be Bill Gates.... I just wish I could be common joe who is proud that he can stand straight and say the Pledge of Allegiance. The guy whose hardest part of his day is deciding dinner. The Guy who can just be and is proud to be a homo sapien.

     It just will never be.....

     And my failures mount...... I don't know if I can do anything right by anyone right now.

Will I always be a slave?

Look down

From your place on

High

Down at the things

I try to give

Down on the things

I have held as 

Accomplishments

Look down on all I 

Have given you

All the dreams

I have placed

In front of you

Look down on 

My place in this

World

A downcast eye

For the emotions 

I have expressed

As well as those

I have sought to receive

Look down on all

That I am

But by looking down 

On what I express

As love

I rise up

A sudden upward glance

At my nemesis

My eyes blazing

Come to rest on my tormentor

In the mirror

The reflection speaks

A thousand words....

The Darkness is Less Hectic.... When you are alone

     So, here I sit - alone, afraid, hurting - with no desire to reach out or share with anyone. I'm tired of letting my pains seep out and engulf those around me... I've done this so long that i am used to it and forget how hard it is for those around me to see and hear and feel all the things I experience as a daily event. I'm no martyr - I have no cause. I'm just a man with a mental condition that eats me up bit by bit and wears on all those who dare get close to me. With all my talk of equalities and you have to know Hell to understand Heaven - I wouldn't mind a lot more understanding of just plain old Earth. A flow of ease...... I wish my problems would just lead to having a drink - not a drinking binge. I wish I could be upset because I got a flat..... or my teams playoff chances.... or because my job was in jeopardy. No, I get upset about things that are undefinable - and thus eternally tormenting. I feel pains in my chest because everything seems so bleak and dark - and at the center of the destruction stands me and this bipolar mess I create. I have found the love of my life. I have found a job I greatly enjoy. I have a life many would envy. Yet all these things have suffered in some way due to me and this tempest of emotions I continue to embody. It's hard enough to forget a traumatic past - but when you have a tendency to fixate and dissect - these lessons become lifelong study guides. Not of a positive nature.

     All I want is to appreciate the life I have worked so long to attain. I have made my mistakes; paid my dues; lived my reality and somehow - despite it all - I find myself finally at 38 and with the life I have wanted all along. But some of the lessons BURN. They are tied to shadows - I can't always make out the threat - but I know its there and I jump at the mere sight of something moving. My girlfriend has had to answer SO many questions..... things I don't need to know - truly; things I probably didn't WANT to know..... but she does it because she loves me and wants me to have the whole truth. I then take that truth - in these dark moments - and reinforce the shadowed areas - creating shrines to my fallibility and lack of desirability. All I want is to love her and make her happy..... I think I have made that abundantly clear. But with these moments - can I ever just make her fully happy? She says I am worth it..... God, what an Angel. I believe her when she says it - I'm sure I'm worth it - but I get so ANGRY because I don't want it to be a trade off for her - I don't want her to wade through the quicksand to reach the Oasis. I just want to give her Oasis. I wish there were a way to break this bucking bronco of emotion - to bring it all under control and use the forces for GOOD only. 

     Primarily for my love - but not only her. How nice would it be for my friends to get a text from me and not have to ask - "Are you okay?" I'm the best friend you can have when I am on my game - but in these moments I become that friend that everyone has to carry home every Friday from the bar because he's drunk and pissed himself again (at least in an emotional sense!). Countless hours spent telling me what anyone would love to hear - you're good enough; you're smart enough and - doggone it - people like you! Just to have me run down my every weakness and hand them back their kind words covered in soot and ash. Who DOES that? Yet, my friends, ever vigilant - stand at the ready any time I call - ready to do battle with the enemies in my head. God bless them all.

     Not just for everyone else - but what about for me? I sit here; enveloped in a dark shroud that burns my skin and eliminates my vision. Every move I try to make to escape only brings more misery - as I cannot walk through this quagmire. At the end; all I have really learned is another thing I don't like about me. Then I feel the guilt of my actions - with my darling it seems lately I've been doing the - "It's you, it's you, it's you...... it's me". I don't mean to. In the moments we are talking I just want answers. Those answers are from her and about her but what I am searching for within her is about me. At the end of the day; I just need validation that I am doing well by people because I know I am so unpredictable and taxing. Even then, I continue to tax people by asking them to verify what they feel I should already know. By taxing them thus; I garner further guilt and a vicious cycle is born. Especially with my darling - where it becomes I am you and you are me - I owe it to her to stop this. I need to find a way to close up these gaps in my personality..... a way to stop using pasts and futures to negatively affect my present. I hope love can show me the way.....

Four Letter Words and Forever

     Love continues to show me so many things - continues to open me to the possibilities that forever with my Hummingbird will include. Like a Neil Young discography - I have gone from "The Needle and the Damage Done" to "Heart of Gold" to finally arrive at "Harvest Moon". Finding my true love has brought me into focus and all I can say is - this is forever. I have given her all of me - my love, my heart, my fears, my trust and my SELF. She has earned every bit of it; and I will not imagine my life without her.

     So, starting this week she is changing her eating style for health - and as a supportive and loving partner - I am as well. It's actually another awesome moment - she invited me along and wants to do this together. So, it is in effect a low carb diet - says the man who has lived a life of meat, potatoes, rice and bread..... i have told her many times I would do ANYTHING for her - and I feel I have proved that time and again. So I shall once more. On a personal aside; it's a very minimal thing to do for the continued health of my darling - it's just a good thing she has started teaching me months ago about eating new things. The shock won't be as much from eating (or cooking - since she taught me to cook as well!!) these foods - but from making them my constant companion. Who knows? Maybe I will even become more healthy - not something I have worried about in my life. Wanting to spend your life with someone makes extending that life relevant - I want to grow old and experience life's many phases alongside my soulmate..... today rice; tomorrow Farro; Next week - the WORLD. Wish me luck people; this is a huge challenge..... NO MORE SNICKERS FOR A WHILE. :( This is a life change..... so hopefully in 6 months snickers will go back to being a treat - not a dietary staple. :)

     Another huge event this week is my love coming to "my" place - she comes to stay in my apartment and with her presence - officially makes it "home". Our home. It allows her time away from her normal routine - letting her relax and take it easy - stress free. This week we also BOTH need to take it easy - this new eating style will initially drain us with our lessening carbs and calories. I have tried to get little things to make it feel like home for her - her own towel; her own shampoo; her own blanket. I have cleaned it to make her comfortable with it - it's not a bachelor pad - it's a second home for our love to blossom. She's had a rough month with illness - and I have a whole weekend to try and keep her still and relaxed. I can't wait!

     Work continues to go well.... My boss is awesome and I am better at my job than I imagined. When things come naturally, it's hard to really be proud - it's not work if there isn't an effort needed - but as with so much of my life; things just seem to follow a flow for me - if I stray from the flow I get lost and feel stress - feel forced. I stand up and I give people information and I give it as me - jokes and play and reflection. I have a natural predisposition to wanting others to succeed - so I suppose training is right up my alley - preparing others for what is to come. It helps so many times in life to know what you are - what your strengths are. I have busted hump to get where I am currently - but I have finally found my niche I feel. I do not want. Many in my spot are trying to move to the "next level" - there's more money to be had; better title - but I am comfortable where I am. I have achieved and I get paid well to do something that fits my personality and comes easy to me. If I press forward; the next level doesn't seem to hold that same "rhythmic" quality - is more money worth more stress? Time will tell...

     My love awaits me in bed. This time in reflection has been amazing; but now it's time to climb in to bed beside her and enter her dreams....

Could You, Would You, With a Heart.....?

     Just because I can doesn't mean I should. I find that a running theme in my life is that I have the ability to do many things - to test many boundaries and get to places with/ within people that most individuals don't. With this greater power (so to speak) comes greater responsibility - not only to the person I'm dealing with but also to myself and not pushing just for the sake of pushing. It's a hard balance to create; but the pitfalls of not doing so is that I can create problems where none have existed before. In all walks of life; I find this a running theme and I fight so hard to avoid it's tempting lure.....

     The first place it arises is in my personal relationship. I find myself wanting an answer or missing a feeling and I want my significant other to provide me reassurance. To avoid the embarrassment of being weak and just asking; I will ask in such a way to suppose the answer (generally a negative answer). My Girlfriend loves me; so of course she provides me the feedback I crave - but at the cost of her feelings now being hurt or at least she supposes that she doesn't give me this thing I wanted to know about. No matter how intellectual my remarks are about how the insecurity lies with me and not her - this is not what her heart hears. It hears that I am in need; despite all of her best efforts. Over time it builds up an emotional block and it hurts her. I NEVER want to hurt the woman I love so very much; so then I gain a complex about the fact I have hurt this woman - I even become remorseful - and a catch 22 is born. Of course I can always ask things - and because she loves me she will always do what she can to set me at ease. In the long term, however, it could begin to erode this perfect rhythm we have had for so long. My trouble comes in my impulse - I so often act on instinct and impulse - while this is a boon in playful social situations; it can often be to OUR detriment when our emotions are involved. I am blessed to have such an understanding and loving partner who forgives me my indiscretions - but at some point I have to learn the lesson or forgiveness could give way to apathy... or resentment. How do I make sure she is happy while also getting through those testy (personal) moments? How do I just KNOW that everything is going right? In my attempt to move forward; how do I avoid this motive that seems to keep us stuck?

     This conundrum also occurs in my workplace. My bosses have generally always seemed to like me and let me get away with more than most - because I am affable and productive. Once more, in pushing the envelope, how much can these people take? They don't want to give up on a productive employee - but at what point is it a detriment to have someone who produces only when they are at full capacity? So often I cower in the face of my bipolar - it overtakes me and leaves me unable to function - it's understandable certainly - but life moves on without you. In time; so do employers....

     In the long run, we are all creatures of our own magnificent design. That said; my bipolar makes up SO MUCH of what I am - as it constantly casts a hue on my actions and my interpretations of the world. In emotional relationships; it only gets intensified by the past and the things I have gone through. Is it fair to my love that she pay for the sins of those in the past? Those that meant less to me than she does? She - a woman who has given me her trust - her everything - when it was such a risk? No, its not fair. But she allows me my moments - and we continue to fight through them. In thinking of all she has given me, it boggles the mind. How many people would allow you to say the FIRST NIGHT you met that they could see a future with you - and come back for a second date? How many people would be willing to get attached to/ date a man who was separated...... and travels for a living? How many would allow full access to themselves so freely - especially when the standard she had set was to keep safe from everyone? How many women would hear your darkest secrets.... and state that the two of you would work through them together? I'll tell you - there can be only one. For all of my "uniqueness" and "individuality"...

     I have fallen in love with one of a kind. One of a kind in all of the beautiful and majestic ways that make her the woman I dreamed of and prayed for so long......

     I owe it to us to give her my best.... to learn how to give her nothing but the best of me. This blog will be a testament to that fact - and when I am feeling down or dark I will come here and rest in the light of this moment.

     You may never see this; but I love you baby. The rest of my life; my heart and my soul belong to you. Please keep them at your side; always.....

The Song Does Not Remain the Same

Mid Life Crisis. Fork in the road. Defining moment. Maturity. Internal evaluation. Nervous breakdown. Whatever you label it; there are just some moments in many peoples lives where they must choose a path. A moment where the decision will define and alter the landscape of what they had considered "Reality". A moment that calls into question selfishness versus selflessness; humanity versus isollation; your place in the world versus your establishing yourself and letting come what may. These tectonic (SP?) shifts can influence a persons entire life. These poignant moments generally revolve around three main topics : , introspection,success or relationships. In my case, I have been consumed by all three... Introspection is a lost skill in today's world - the ability to look inside honestly and know yourself. In modern times, therapists, psychiatrists and medications have taken the place of a thorough knowledge of a persons true "Self". We require a sounding board who gently tugs us in a direction to try and lead us to water. While they are trained to listen and dissect - if you are not knowledgeable enough about yourself you may very well follow them to conclusions that did not reflect you (before), and have now altered your internal make up. Therapists and psychiatrists try very carefully to avoid this situation as professionals - but all diagnosies are instinctual and a bit of leading is needed for those who are not learned nor adept. Why can't a person just sit - in a quiet room; a park; an airplane - and probe their own psyches? How is it lost on many that as the only holder of all the answers - YOU are the one best suited to ask the questions. You won't always like the answers - but since you are dealing in your own psyche; you have the power to change. After the therapist (or us, if we do the work) determines what is eating us alive, the next logical step seems to medicate it into submission. Certainly there are plenty of cases where this is applicable and makes sense - there does seem to be an avalanche of drugs now made to numb us all into a state of lobotimized latency.As a Manic depressive, I have a litanyof meds to take - one to calm me down, one to pep me up and one to stabilize me throughout the day. Do my meds make things more manageable? To a point, certainly. However it also removes my individuality - I like my manic, impulsive, outgoing mayhem. I can generally control my depressive episodes and work my way through to the light. Yet I am still told meds are needed to keep me from driving off the cliff. Okay; even if that's the case - if that's who I am - why not? What is the obsessionwith everyone filling a role; meeting a standard? Mozart, Da Vinci, Einstein... these are men who all had a plethora of mental illnesses.... and in today's medication society they would have been drugged to the point of lethargy; And the world would have lost.... Success is such a subjective term; its hard to really discuss on a deep level. That said; we all come to a moment in life - even in reflection - where we measure ourselves to determine if we have been "succesful".The most difficult part of this judgement is that we are comparing what we have done to what we wanted to do; and what we wanted to do against what society deems "success".the variables lead to a mass of confusion to where we can really never definitively say we were "succesful", only that we are proud of what we accomplished. Is that enough? Can you go into the great beyond content in the knowledge you did yourown thing - even if those around you found it a waste of your life? For me I find it's enough to say I have lived with no regrets. I have made choices that worked out to my detriment; but I always felt they were right at the time. I can never second guess the person who made that decision - in intellectual honesty you have to accept that you don't know what frame of mind you were in at the time. So how could you speak intelligently about the execution of the decision? Yet we do it all the time; judging the decision as opposed to it's outcome. I will be what I will be..... and I am what I am. There is where my success lies... Your standing at a point in your life..... Married with kids; a good job; a nice home; astable existence. All of a sudden this person walks into your life - Fun; exciting; fresh; romantic; passionate - and sends you tumbling. No matter what we all like to think; in that moment we are vulnerable; the allure of this other entity draws us in. At that point, the dilemma is set and we are left to think. What do I want from this person? How far am I willing to go? How far are they trying to take it? What will my significant other say? Do I tell him/ her? Is this my little secret? An honest man goes into remission.... for those not self realized; this can shake the foundation of their being because they don't know themseleves to know what they want. If they go against what they want.... somewhere down the line there will be regret. There will be a continual gnaqing in their sould until one day they arrive at the fact that it was "the one that got away". Other's don't feel worthy of their good fortune; and punish themselves over giving into their desires over what is "right". Others still make no choice; they move forward and let fate decide. No matter what road you travel down; a peron must be confident in their choices in order to be conrtent in their decision. People want to consider all avenues before deciding - how do people feel; where it will all go; what is to be lost.When the ultimate decision lies in - What would YOU do? Then do it. I don't have all the answers for you. You have all the answers for you. Ancilllary stimuli may make us feel better in our decisions; but in the end you really must just do what you feel. It's a hard sacrifice, though. You have to give up blaming other things; or omnipotent creatures or beings that manipulate our lives. You have to stand in a field of illusions and state "It is this way because I want it to be so, Win or lose; right or wrong; this is the path I have chosen and I will accept the consequences." I'm at a point in my life where I have decisions to make (or information to gather) on all these topics. I live in a constant state of flux; but I enjoy the power of making the decision and seeing what happens next. It's hard; it hurts; and sometimes there are innocent casualties - but it is surely better to live than to just be alive..... If you're going through the motions - you no longer make a difference. In my opinionn, making a difference is the only reason we all survive...

Venture to the "Dark Side"...

For a blog with "Suicidal" in the title, I haven't made any statement on the subject. Suicide is one of those taboo subjects that is always mentioned in hushed tones and hits many people at a subconscious level. I have always felt that the reason people have this reaction is that suicide takes away man's belief of "a bigger picture". It puts control solely on the individual and now gives us full control of all our future failings (we all tend to take credit for our successes). Suicide is a subject that creates a wide range of emotions based on your exposure to the event. First, let me explain my "expertise", and why this is an important topic for me. I am Bipolar (Manic-Depressive)...... this statement does NOT define me; but it does put me in a unique place when it comes to certain actions that many people have a "taught" opinion about - as opposed to the learned opinion that comes from "experience". Contrary to most people's idea of those of us with bipolar (and other "mental disorders) - I have many hobbies/ interests; a large number of friends that I socialize with regularly; I go out for fun often; I'm married and I rarely sit on a phone or behind a computer for long periods. All that said; I have attempted suicide on multiple occasions throughout my life - Leaping from a moving vehicle; overdose. Needless to say; I've been unsuccessful. :) I have contemplated suicide at many other times in my life (not always when things are bad - my mental state is such that even the best times can lead to thoughts of suicide); not generally acting on these impulses. The general idea on suicide is that "people use it to avoid bad times". Invalidating that point is simple - unless you understand the mindset of the individual, you are ignorant enough to feel it's "an escape". Certainly; there are people who are DRIVEN by bad circumstances to feel no other option; but for me (and many like me) it's not that simple. For me its a mood thing - even the best life is turned around by my "mental process" to be a feeling of failure and a belief that the world is better off without me. I'm not "escaping"; I'm doing the next logical thing for everyone around me. Which leads to my next idea I have found on suicide..... It's not ALWAYS a bad thought. Stay with me for a minute. There are times in life when we are ALL backed into a corner and feel no way out of a predicament.... which is usually when "normal" people fall into a depression themselves.... but what do you do when you're ALREADY depressed? Where do you go from there? For me; suicide is a reminder that there is ALWAYS another option. As morbid as this sounds; suicide can actually lift me OUT of a depression by reminding me I don't absolutely have to follow what appears to be the only path. Usually this is enough to bring me out of my funk; but sometimes the next step into the "endgame" seems the best option. However, when this becomes a real, tangible thought - as human beings we will often turn to those closest to us to have a "listening board" to try and work through our feelings - the guilt; the horror; the relief; the finite feeling of potential closure. Which leads to another of my biggest pet peeves of people in general.... People will often tell someone with suicidal thoughts that the very idea of suicide is "selfish". This logic makes my blood boil; and I have counter argued this point even in my moments of great despair. The truth of it is that the people who share this sentiment are the selfish ones. By employing a guilt trip because YOU want to keep me around - to entertain you; to assuage your guilt of not being able to "save me"; or for some religious reasoning - you are being ultimately selfish and at that moment you aren't even TRYING to listen to me and experience this moment I am going through. You are merely running through your rolodex of what is acceptable and trying to "save" me from what I feel right now. Hypocrisy. Those feeling suicide are often at their LEAST selfish - consider how totally void one feels as a human being in order to toy with the idea of ending their existence. We often feel that we are a burden - to people; to friends; to family; to life; to God. Then you turn to your family/ your friends and they in turn insult you. The real way to handle this situation is to have the suicidal person PLAN for the future - show them that they aren't a burden. Alternatively; people let their initial shock and judgement of the act to cloud their reactions. So who's selfish here? I'm certain that I will have more to say on this and many other topics (otherwise, why have a blog? :]), but I did want to address these in the initial run of this blog. If there are any people who are suicidal and stumble on this blog - you can always comment or email me. I have been there and I will not judge or try to sway you - I know first hand that sometimes you just want someone to listen. If you are the loved one of a person who has these thoughts (or completed the cycle); I am also open to discussing this if you have an open mind. Finally, don't judge what you don't understand - in a world of "political correctness" there are still some things people refuse to accept - that just because you can't SEE my difference doesn't make it any less meaningful.