Does It Need To Be a Choice? Can't I Just Cake?

     Today, I was in a place to overhear the phrase, "Have your cake and eat it too.", and it gave me pause. In the traditional sense of how people use this phrase, the idea is that they have something pleasant and want something else pleasant as well. In reality, wouldn't this be a much more realistic (and common) "Have your cake in vanilla and another cake in chocolate"? When presented as wanting options, things take on a very different tone; not so demeaning and minimizing. However, the intent of the statement is generally to have the 'offending' party to come across as selfish and uncaring, especially when related to relationships and careers.in a broader sense though, is it really?

      I am experiencing my own form of this right now - I want a healthy body, but I also really want Doritos. My desire for a flat stomach does not negate my longing for delicious, cheese covered goodness. As such, the desire to meet both needs becomes an exercise in compromise. If I exercise more and eat less (but still some) wonderful chippy goodness, I can accomplish both things. (Have my Doritos and eat them too?) The long held idea of choosing one over the other need not apply, unless I decide to stay home and stuff my face with carbs when I should be going for a walk.

      Then there are the passive factors. When I first start working out, my body is so tired and wants to be lazy. In time, it feels great to have abundant energy and stamina, but the road there is a bumpy one. Sitting around covered in the sweet orange Doritos dust is ver relaxing, but obviously lends itself to the blasé feeling my body experiences so much of the time when I'm out of shape.  Add to this the conditioning that comes with the pleasure centers that junk food dances upon, and you have a very simple concept that requires a very large commitment quotient. 

     Who doesn't have multiple wants, some of which may conflict or seem mutually exclusive? Isn't the transition to figuring a way to meet these needs the very definition of the human condition?

Two Mental Conditions Walk Into a Bar.....

This Post was written a few weeks ago; and in my state at the time I didn't post it. I'm only posting it now as another example of what the face of bipolar looks like. It's not pretty folks.... If you know someone with it; understand that their inner workings don't allow them escape.... or the ability to be rational.....

     So, today I was told I might have abandonment issues.... to go with the joy of my bipolar depression. Oh the hits just keep on coming. Upon investigation I came to find that..... it's absolutely correct. How many flaws can one man have? Did God just throw all the spare and broken parts in me to see if I could give life a whirl? To see how much suffering one person can take? I'm not going on the "Whoa is me" kick.... I just imagine what I could be and do for others if I was a little stupider and a lot less mentally broken. As it stands now; I am causing distress to one of the greatest things in my life - and my mental abilities pick up on this and are kind enough to help me string myself to the nearest cross. Awesome. I don't want to be a martyr; I want to be a husband. I want my life to have mattered - to have a made a difference to others - but I also want it to matter to ME.... to have the ability to not cost myself so many of the great moments I dream about when I think of what life could be like.

     But, at every turn, people grow disappointed and despairing in my presence. I always wind up being too much me and not enough everyone else.

     I am struggling today.... I have been struggling for a while. I feel like I just can't measure up - at work; at home; in bed; in Scrabble; in baby making; in parenting; in life. 

     Then I find out that I have MORE reasons to fail at life.... How the hell have I gotten this far? It can't all be luck; it certainly isn't all skill - it again feels like God put so much of the worst things and a few of the okay things and mixed them up to make a perfectly imperfect and annoying me. It is funny though - abandonment issues definition read like every popular fairy tale - from Romeo and Juliet to Disney - that you have ever seen. I mean hell, Romeo KILLED himself in a fit of despair. Yet today we turn our nose up at the idea of undying devotion and feeling of connection. 

     Who am I kidding? I can't philosophize right now - I'm stuck on stupid. I just keep trudging forth.... one foot in front of another - trying not to cost myself a great opportunity while also not shutting down - and costing myself a greater opportunity.

     I just wish sometimes I wasn't me. I don't want to be Bill Gates.... I just wish I could be common joe who is proud that he can stand straight and say the Pledge of Allegiance. The guy whose hardest part of his day is deciding dinner. The Guy who can just be and is proud to be a homo sapien.

     It just will never be.....

     And my failures mount...... I don't know if I can do anything right by anyone right now.