Laundry

I haven't been this down in a while

Saddened by another's angst

Dwelling on the loneliness of omission 

Eluded by sleep while stoically musing...

As I've never been this comfortable

Happy in the fact that I am okay

With you being upset at me for a night

At once not needing you to forgive me

Because I am finally at peace in knowing

I have no worry you might ever go,

Leaving me in a state of dismay.

I'm sad that you're not happy with me

But I'm happy that you've proven to me

That you are STILL the best choice I ever made.

The Human Condition

      We are all so petty, degrading others in a race to prove our outright correctness. Why the hell can't we leave things alone anymore? For all of the 'progress' being spoken of, all I see is mayhem and discontent. Roving packs of rabid rioters causing chaps and hiding behind the lens. Every generation has its "the end is nigh" moment, but I don't believe that's where we are. However, the Civil War is not out of the question. Those who remember better times can only shake our heads and sigh.

Catharsis, Not Upset.

God damnit, all the moments we experienced.

Bucking the system with differences

Solving the worlds issues fairly

Always willing to agree nothing is too far.

Yet, look at you now; advocating for separation

Victimized and unwilling to hear another view

Left wallowing in a martyrdom left long ago.

I don't seek the hero's role in this endeavor

I merely offer another view to consider,

To no avail it appears.

What of those around to see the change

Of course, there are many who have broken you

Turned another individual into just a number

Giving in to a nation of negativity

By suppressing your logical leanings.

Philosophers have often been broken in their time

But there's nothing thoughtful or revolutionary

In the stand of suck you have chosen to inhabit.

This cathartic construct is not made out of hurt

Nor is it painted in the avarice of anger,

You have bought into the rules of the lemmings

And it saddens me to watch your will

Dissolve into a puddle of introspective irony.

I won't ignore the terrors you helped navigate

Nor will I leave your side when you need me

But I will not be cowed as a coward

For principles based on hate.

After a bakers dozen, the problems have all left

And perhaps I am the projection of your disappointment.

I will sacrifice our good times for you peace of mind

But I will never lie to you just to avoid

The subjects that 'civilized' society uses. A bully pulpit may discourage many

But if you had imagined it might work on me

Then you learned nothing of me all this time.

If you want a genuine friend, come find me.

If you want a cause long dead that has become 

A marketing campaign,

Then there are plenty of apologists

Who will choose to feel sorry for themselves

And for you as well.

Roots, indeed.

Americans hating America

Is the new generations 'American Dream'.

I Wanna Be Like You-ou-ou!

    The time my faults go from shining to searing is when that disappointing gaze washes into my psyche. I am so very flawed, and I have learned that the key to happiness is to not dwell on the poison of wishing to be anyone else. Yet, when the time comes and my shortcomings bind my capacity to rise, I fall into the pool of dreaming that is, "If only I was...". Thrashing about, wrists burning by my captors; ferociously I use my body to strike forward against the walls, hoping to ascend. Alas, my mind has changed, but my fate remains the same.

Chemical Restraints; Chemical Warfare

Why must you pin me down?

Not quite suffocating

But leaving me apathetic.

Unable to pursue passions

Not wanting to accomplish.

What awaits seems uncertain,

Unclear what it carries.

My sole focus darkens

Caged in the eternal now

Filtered from the future

Paralyzed in the present

Hated by history

Mourning my memories.

I call out through mental mud

Voice painting the horizon

With my unbridled agony.

No hope of a distant ear

Only a cathartic

Cry of constant contrition.

Enveloped by fixation

A barrage of flashbacks

Pummels my resilience

Searing my conscience 

And robbing me of my

Willing self preservation.

Nowhere to hide in the mind

My enemy, my self

With no hope it will cease

And no way to shield me;

I crumple to a wary knee

Battered, exhausted, hurting;

Yet unbroken; angry.

I am sure I have better

If my drive returns

There is so much that

I could accomplish.

When the restraints tie you down

From within your base of hope

And the mind that gives strength

Turns on you to wreck you;

Riding the storm out

Is the best you can hope

To get another chance

To be fully alive.

No Mal

      I write these blogs as a way to record my life and share in the hope to help others and give myself meaning. I am bipolar and odd and opinionated and I have come much farther in life (on every level) than I ever intended. Still, there are times when I get the feeling that I'm not really doing anything at all; the sense that I have this life thing all wrong.

     I always wanted my life to be a tale of triumph - of the spirit and heart and circumstance. Yet, time and again, the truth of who I am shines through and I realize how insignificant I can be next to everyone else. Our collective humanity is our weakness, but my humanity is as shallow as a puddle and as frail as an egg carton. I am a demon of my own design.

     My inability to truly effect change or joy in those around me seems to resound from the motif that makes me who I am; the gaping flaws that make me accessible also make me frustrating and untenable. The pieces of life have time and again fallen around me like post-tornado shrapnel, but the belief was always in the currents of life causing the destruction. It occurs to me that the whirling dervish my well have been me: a Tazmanian Devil of emotional ineptitude. Being bipolar may shade my view of the present, but more and more I come to feel that the disruption lies squarely on my shoulders as a Judas to my own professed cause.

      Now that I am aware of this reality, all I can imagine to do is hibernate from the world. A life lived as work, school, home, repeat causes few ripples in the gentle ecosystem. My current refrain causes me to leave a constant echo of distress on life's ocean. It's almost a curse to those who love me: "May you find love in an intesting person". I am sorry for all that I cause I'm the general flow of being.

     If only lobotomies were more practical. If only I were more... Plain.

Un-Whole-Y

      At some point, I hoped that the parade of pain and discomfort and self loathing would end. Even knowing that my life is better than many, my mind makes the world around my cloudy through a haze of despair. I just want to make myself better and become a stable member of the society around me. I want to be blinded to the many alternatives around me and be happy with the basic food groups. I want to feel like I have something to offer to everyone I encounter, and that I feel accepted and appreciated by those around me. Not be beholden to the constant idea that in every moment of being me will drive those closest to me away screaming into the recesses of life. Even more importantly, I wish I wasn't self aware enough to even have these thoughts. I want the confidence to create. To excel. To feel like I have a purpose beyond just existing. 

      Even in my good moments (which there have been many in recent months), I can't shake the feeling that my flaws lead to much discontent to those closest to me who have to endure my ramblings and moods and ineptitude. I have a million ways to try and get validation from those in my life that it is worth sharing with me, yet I still thank them at every turn because I have always felt that any time people choose to spend with me could be spent doing so many things that are more meaningful - but they give those moments to me. Almost all of my best moments in life have been spent in the company of others - how much fantastic really happens alone? 

     My career choice leads me to more confusion and feeling of hopelessness - at 40 years old I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I have had many jobs, I still have many choices, but I have no direction or belief that I can become succesful at any of them. I'm in school fr business, but where will that leave me (besides in debt) in 3 years when I get a bachelors degree? Will I just be a better qualified minion? I hope it does do something for me; narrow the options and provide me a path for the next 20 years. 

     Unless that writing thing takes off.

     Maybe it's just me. (Isn't it always?) Is there a way to change the motivation, the perception, the hope in what I see? Jokes roll off my tongue, experiences form behind me; here I sit wanting... something. Whatever I was created with that is missing, internally I still realize within my intuition that it just isn't there. Is there a way to convince my mind that whatever I don't have is not worth having? I'm still waiting for that moment. A happy life with all the wonders trumped by a melancholy mind.

     I am still alive, so there is always hope.

A Friend in Need... Is a Choice

      A stripper gets fired for excess. How obtuse..... Do they get fmla coverage? Rehab costs covered? Anywho, a wonderful young lady reached out to me in a time of crisis. I had plans with another friend today; I could very easily said some supportive stuff about the situation and sent her on her way. I have certainly had past "friends" give me the "it will get better!" brush off in my own past.

      That is exactly why I couldn't do that to this suffering soul. I feel it is inherent to make adjustments and be physically present for comfort. A text is okay, a call is better, but nothing compares to when my doll face holds me when things grow dark. Did I "save the day"? I doubt it. Did I solve the problems? Not within my control. I merely showed a human being that I have shared laughs, liquor and moments with that I was also available to listen, to cry, to offer my support in a time of need. In this age of media and instant messaging, the power of a hug and an empathic stare have fallen prey to the next convenience or distraction. I'm not better than anyone who would decide differently, but I am omni-aware of the ache it can leave when someone reaches out and receives anything less than a partner in a painful time.

       I hope we all continue to try and appreciate people over the litany of pastimes that leave us engaged but our souls empty. It's important not to overthink it- a friend in need is my chance to comfort and be a friend indeed. I am not perfect, I have missed a cry for help in the past, but I strive to never make that mistake again. The slightest hint of discord requires nothing more than a "what's wrong?" It costs me nothing to think about someone eps in that moment, and it is up to them now to share or keep their pain to themselves. A friend will always give you enough to be aware of the predicament. An acquaintance is more likely to keep it aside. However, a friend with self worth issues may distract you, so as not to "bother" you.

      And these are the people who need us most.

Fascination or Fixation?

     Thing as of late are a little hectic, and I am hoping to get back on pace with my blogging this week. I hope everyone else had as wonderful a holiday as I did -maybe not complete with the circus, but to each his own. My sis has returned to her current place of residence; but a new excitement is peeking over the horizon...... The Boy is coming. "It's the most wonderful time of the year..." they say. In this particular facet I would agree.

     I could do without the Christmas songs, however.

     The wife and I have been watching an incredible anime on Netflix called "Death Note". After hearing about it in the nerd circles I have run for years, I finally have had a chance to watch it and: wow. It's a fascinating story and an even more fascinating concept tackling the human condition and ethics. (Ironically, my school work this week also covered ethics and morality. Coincidence???? Probably.) While there are certainly some Deus Ex Machina moments, it is a gripping tale with deep resonations. We are less than halfway through, and we are both totally enthralled. It's amazing how many animes she and I have watched that have that effect; leading you into your next day thinking and sharing with others about this amazing find. Not to have a nerdgasm here, but anime seems so much better written than many movies that actually are written and produced in Hollywood anymore. Much like comics, I think the fact that they are illustration distracts people from the parables, prose and performance of these majestic pieces. Or maybe it's just the glimpse into foreign mythologies. Whatever it is; I like it!

      The fixation (such that it is) is my work world. The continuation of the end.... where I have so much to offer and to do but don't have the security of knowing when "the end" is near. I think about it all throughout my day: "What is this going to do for me?"; "Will this help the company in the long run?" and ultimately, "Am I leaving this practice in a better place; regardless of my eventual outcome?" It's like being caught between so many levels: What's right vs. What is it worth; Helping those I have grown to like vs. Getting all I can; Not falling into bad habits vs. Lethargy. I don't win the battle every day; but I am trying to stay motivated - to be respectful of the opportunity and be able to look at myself and know that I have done what I was capable of. It's not comfortable living in limbo; but I suppose with my life I could say I have more experience at it than most.

     Throughout it all, I am staying true to my school (work). It is my life mission over the next few years; that one piece of the "required" pie that so many jobs call for. How sad; a document to show I can learn but a lifetime that does not? Everyone talks about conspiracies in life - maybe the shift in the job force came from a College Illumanati? Or people who sell graduation robes? No matter; wisdom is realizing when something else needs to be done for success/ happiness/ inner peace. I will rail against society and it's unending smorgasboard of rules for the remainder of my life; but I too have "bought in" to give my wife and myself a better chance at a life filled with Italy, Coach, Netflix and shenanigans. You can fight the system from the inside - because even though I am using the tools the system calls for; I have not (and will not) change myself or sell my soul. My soul is my window to myself; the degrees and job titles and collared shirts are merely the window dressing that can at times interfere with the view...

The Wife Also Rises

     Today started out on a definite down note. Last night was not the best; and as of this morning much of what was left unsaid was draped in the bedrooms delicate orange hue. I often speak to others about the freeing power of doing something different or being someone new. Today, it was my turn. I think it turned out for the best.

     Last night, the wife and I got into a tif that evolved into a pier six brawl. (Don't go down to pier 6!! Also, learning for the young lads out there - know when to bow out gracefully before enflaming the women. I would have done well to live to fight another day; before things got ugly.) I stayed up well into the night reliving the injustice of what had been said to me; sucking on battery acid while staying huddled in the warmth of my ego. So many times in the past I have been placed in a position of being the donkey to beat; and strolling back through those moments of being a thing rather than a person was simple. All those had faded from my life; but here I was again. When I awoke to the wife this morning, she gave me the kiss (see previous blogs!) before leaving; with both of us still in a snit. I couldn't get back to sleep, so I settled back into that comfortable chair of cinematic cruelty, considering how little I meant to my wife.

      Except I don't. All at once, a(n) (epiphany/ thunderstrike/ moment of clarity/ end of stupidity) dawned on me with the knowledge that I wasn't disliked by the wife. She loves me (or so a little (humming)bird has told me). This wasn't going to break our bond, it was a momentary lapse of wonder where we allowed ourselves to be human. I gathered my thoughts of denial and tossed them in the Trash Bin Folder in my mind. My wife is so awesome and loves me so much that I can't even legitamitely convince my own mind she dislikes me. That's a powerful statement that invalidates and self sorrow I may try to cover myself in. After dislodging my head from my butt, I went about finding a way to give my wife a smile for the morning (while also letting her passively know that all hostilities had ended). (Dude note number two: It is not a weakness to give your wife a smile; no matter what is going on between you two or outside of you two. It's part of what we agree to when we marry - create the "better" and fight together through the "worse") I sent her an email with a series of pictures that told a simple but loving story - I don't want to fight and I love you. (Dude #3: be creative! No one likes the same thing over and over ad infintinuim - even "I love you") Deed done, she called me shortly after and life was back where it belonged. I was able to let my angst go, be creative, and ultimately get kissy face from the wife. Ain't too proud to beg, admit nothing is more important than my wife, or do what I must to make her happy.

      Where is the down side in that?

Two Mental Conditions Walk Into a Bar.....

This Post was written a few weeks ago; and in my state at the time I didn't post it. I'm only posting it now as another example of what the face of bipolar looks like. It's not pretty folks.... If you know someone with it; understand that their inner workings don't allow them escape.... or the ability to be rational.....

     So, today I was told I might have abandonment issues.... to go with the joy of my bipolar depression. Oh the hits just keep on coming. Upon investigation I came to find that..... it's absolutely correct. How many flaws can one man have? Did God just throw all the spare and broken parts in me to see if I could give life a whirl? To see how much suffering one person can take? I'm not going on the "Whoa is me" kick.... I just imagine what I could be and do for others if I was a little stupider and a lot less mentally broken. As it stands now; I am causing distress to one of the greatest things in my life - and my mental abilities pick up on this and are kind enough to help me string myself to the nearest cross. Awesome. I don't want to be a martyr; I want to be a husband. I want my life to have mattered - to have a made a difference to others - but I also want it to matter to ME.... to have the ability to not cost myself so many of the great moments I dream about when I think of what life could be like.

     But, at every turn, people grow disappointed and despairing in my presence. I always wind up being too much me and not enough everyone else.

     I am struggling today.... I have been struggling for a while. I feel like I just can't measure up - at work; at home; in bed; in Scrabble; in baby making; in parenting; in life. 

     Then I find out that I have MORE reasons to fail at life.... How the hell have I gotten this far? It can't all be luck; it certainly isn't all skill - it again feels like God put so much of the worst things and a few of the okay things and mixed them up to make a perfectly imperfect and annoying me. It is funny though - abandonment issues definition read like every popular fairy tale - from Romeo and Juliet to Disney - that you have ever seen. I mean hell, Romeo KILLED himself in a fit of despair. Yet today we turn our nose up at the idea of undying devotion and feeling of connection. 

     Who am I kidding? I can't philosophize right now - I'm stuck on stupid. I just keep trudging forth.... one foot in front of another - trying not to cost myself a great opportunity while also not shutting down - and costing myself a greater opportunity.

     I just wish sometimes I wasn't me. I don't want to be Bill Gates.... I just wish I could be common joe who is proud that he can stand straight and say the Pledge of Allegiance. The guy whose hardest part of his day is deciding dinner. The Guy who can just be and is proud to be a homo sapien.

     It just will never be.....

     And my failures mount...... I don't know if I can do anything right by anyone right now.