Un-Whole-Y

      At some point, I hoped that the parade of pain and discomfort and self loathing would end. Even knowing that my life is better than many, my mind makes the world around my cloudy through a haze of despair. I just want to make myself better and become a stable member of the society around me. I want to be blinded to the many alternatives around me and be happy with the basic food groups. I want to feel like I have something to offer to everyone I encounter, and that I feel accepted and appreciated by those around me. Not be beholden to the constant idea that in every moment of being me will drive those closest to me away screaming into the recesses of life. Even more importantly, I wish I wasn't self aware enough to even have these thoughts. I want the confidence to create. To excel. To feel like I have a purpose beyond just existing. 

      Even in my good moments (which there have been many in recent months), I can't shake the feeling that my flaws lead to much discontent to those closest to me who have to endure my ramblings and moods and ineptitude. I have a million ways to try and get validation from those in my life that it is worth sharing with me, yet I still thank them at every turn because I have always felt that any time people choose to spend with me could be spent doing so many things that are more meaningful - but they give those moments to me. Almost all of my best moments in life have been spent in the company of others - how much fantastic really happens alone? 

     My career choice leads me to more confusion and feeling of hopelessness - at 40 years old I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I have had many jobs, I still have many choices, but I have no direction or belief that I can become succesful at any of them. I'm in school fr business, but where will that leave me (besides in debt) in 3 years when I get a bachelors degree? Will I just be a better qualified minion? I hope it does do something for me; narrow the options and provide me a path for the next 20 years. 

     Unless that writing thing takes off.

     Maybe it's just me. (Isn't it always?) Is there a way to change the motivation, the perception, the hope in what I see? Jokes roll off my tongue, experiences form behind me; here I sit wanting... something. Whatever I was created with that is missing, internally I still realize within my intuition that it just isn't there. Is there a way to convince my mind that whatever I don't have is not worth having? I'm still waiting for that moment. A happy life with all the wonders trumped by a melancholy mind.

     I am still alive, so there is always hope.

The Daily Dark Side

Yesterday's prompt was "Alone Time"

Another day of the unflinching
Ineptitude of my colleagues;
One more two and a half hour
Road rage filled commute home;
Enduring additional insult
From those lacking manners
Or a clue;
At these times I find myself
Fantasizing about another option.
I dream of light gray sands
Speckled with shells and life,
The deep blue sea foaming at my feet.
I imagine the life I could have had
If only I had eschewed the rat race
And scurried instead to
A remote island that has nothing,
Nothing more than i need to live –
At the very least, a place to go
Where I can finally be alone.

Today's prompt was "I'll Be _"

I'll Be Enduring

The phone screen lit

With the name of her other

The clock displayed 5:32 pm

"It's not like him to call,"

She thought to herself, quizically.

Intrigued, she raised the handset

"Hello, Darling," she began.

"I.... love.... you, my one."

His voice resonated wiith stress,

And she felt concern as 

She folded the clothes.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm sorry," he said,

"I'll be waiting."

"Honey, what?" She replied..

No response was to come.

She heard a distant wail  in the phone

As her worry grew

"Honey? Talk to me!"

Over and over with desperation.

All at once, the sirens screamed

And voices created a din of 

Horrible silence and uncertainty.

"Hello?" She calledout,

"Someone speak to me!"

Seconds passed into minutes

And the clothes were no longer

Meaningful

Mind racing with possibilities

Scanning potential futures

Remembering moments past

The phone started to rumble.

"Hello? Is someone there?!"

"Hello, Ma'am." 

It was a voice she had never heard

And her arms suddenly felt wooden.

"My name," the voice continued,

"Is Officer Rogers."

Officer?

Her chest sank, pushing the waters

From her heart toward her eyes.

"The phone says you are 

This gentleman's wife?"

 "Yes," she said hastily,

"Is everything okay??"

"I'm sorry to tell you, but

Something has happened."

Then she realized.

It was then she knew.

A final "I love you"

Came in his fading moments.

As her insides came undone

Her lips whispered,

"I love you."

One last time....