No Mal

      I write these blogs as a way to record my life and share in the hope to help others and give myself meaning. I am bipolar and odd and opinionated and I have come much farther in life (on every level) than I ever intended. Still, there are times when I get the feeling that I'm not really doing anything at all; the sense that I have this life thing all wrong.

     I always wanted my life to be a tale of triumph - of the spirit and heart and circumstance. Yet, time and again, the truth of who I am shines through and I realize how insignificant I can be next to everyone else. Our collective humanity is our weakness, but my humanity is as shallow as a puddle and as frail as an egg carton. I am a demon of my own design.

     My inability to truly effect change or joy in those around me seems to resound from the motif that makes me who I am; the gaping flaws that make me accessible also make me frustrating and untenable. The pieces of life have time and again fallen around me like post-tornado shrapnel, but the belief was always in the currents of life causing the destruction. It occurs to me that the whirling dervish my well have been me: a Tazmanian Devil of emotional ineptitude. Being bipolar may shade my view of the present, but more and more I come to feel that the disruption lies squarely on my shoulders as a Judas to my own professed cause.

      Now that I am aware of this reality, all I can imagine to do is hibernate from the world. A life lived as work, school, home, repeat causes few ripples in the gentle ecosystem. My current refrain causes me to leave a constant echo of distress on life's ocean. It's almost a curse to those who love me: "May you find love in an intesting person". I am sorry for all that I cause I'm the general flow of being.

     If only lobotomies were more practical. If only I were more... Plain.

The Daily Dark Side

Yesterday's prompt was "Alone Time"

Another day of the unflinching
Ineptitude of my colleagues;
One more two and a half hour
Road rage filled commute home;
Enduring additional insult
From those lacking manners
Or a clue;
At these times I find myself
Fantasizing about another option.
I dream of light gray sands
Speckled with shells and life,
The deep blue sea foaming at my feet.
I imagine the life I could have had
If only I had eschewed the rat race
And scurried instead to
A remote island that has nothing,
Nothing more than i need to live –
At the very least, a place to go
Where I can finally be alone.

Today's prompt was "I'll Be _"

I'll Be Enduring

The phone screen lit

With the name of her other

The clock displayed 5:32 pm

"It's not like him to call,"

She thought to herself, quizically.

Intrigued, she raised the handset

"Hello, Darling," she began.

"I.... love.... you, my one."

His voice resonated wiith stress,

And she felt concern as 

She folded the clothes.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm sorry," he said,

"I'll be waiting."

"Honey, what?" She replied..

No response was to come.

She heard a distant wail  in the phone

As her worry grew

"Honey? Talk to me!"

Over and over with desperation.

All at once, the sirens screamed

And voices created a din of 

Horrible silence and uncertainty.

"Hello?" She calledout,

"Someone speak to me!"

Seconds passed into minutes

And the clothes were no longer

Meaningful

Mind racing with possibilities

Scanning potential futures

Remembering moments past

The phone started to rumble.

"Hello? Is someone there?!"

"Hello, Ma'am." 

It was a voice she had never heard

And her arms suddenly felt wooden.

"My name," the voice continued,

"Is Officer Rogers."

Officer?

Her chest sank, pushing the waters

From her heart toward her eyes.

"The phone says you are 

This gentleman's wife?"

 "Yes," she said hastily,

"Is everything okay??"

"I'm sorry to tell you, but

Something has happened."

Then she realized.

It was then she knew.

A final "I love you"

Came in his fading moments.

As her insides came undone

Her lips whispered,

"I love you."

One last time....

Comes A Time....

Once upon a time

I had a dream

Dreams of a family

Dreams of dragons and

Futures and Christmas gifts

In my innocence

It all seemed so very easy.....

Once upon a time

I raged

Raged against the norm

And my peers and the

Authority figures trying to 

Label me

While I was fighting

To establish my adulthood

And define myself.....

Once upon a time

I gave up

I laid my dreams and 

Wants at the altar

Of societies judgement

Accepted my form

Busied myself with 

Idealized obligations

Lived the life I was told

Not the one I envisioned.....

Once upon a time

I stood up

Stood up to the rules and

The "Man"

Broke the grip of tyranny

I had allowed myself to 

Become slave to.......

Once upon a time

I became a man

I made a choice for a better tomorrow

At the risk of a tortured today

I gave up what I knew

Threw myself to the wind

And waited to see what awaited

Me.....

Once upon a time

I made a choice

A choice to live my dream 

And be my dream

To pursue my ambitions

And be ready should 

The time arise.....

Once upon a time

I found the dream

Sitting a world away

Huddled in her safety

Looking for her own dream

My life

Has come full circle

Once more I have

Accepted my innocence.....

Once more,

I have a dream.....

Venture to the "Dark Side"...

For a blog with "Suicidal" in the title, I haven't made any statement on the subject. Suicide is one of those taboo subjects that is always mentioned in hushed tones and hits many people at a subconscious level. I have always felt that the reason people have this reaction is that suicide takes away man's belief of "a bigger picture". It puts control solely on the individual and now gives us full control of all our future failings (we all tend to take credit for our successes). Suicide is a subject that creates a wide range of emotions based on your exposure to the event. First, let me explain my "expertise", and why this is an important topic for me. I am Bipolar (Manic-Depressive)...... this statement does NOT define me; but it does put me in a unique place when it comes to certain actions that many people have a "taught" opinion about - as opposed to the learned opinion that comes from "experience". Contrary to most people's idea of those of us with bipolar (and other "mental disorders) - I have many hobbies/ interests; a large number of friends that I socialize with regularly; I go out for fun often; I'm married and I rarely sit on a phone or behind a computer for long periods. All that said; I have attempted suicide on multiple occasions throughout my life - Leaping from a moving vehicle; overdose. Needless to say; I've been unsuccessful. :) I have contemplated suicide at many other times in my life (not always when things are bad - my mental state is such that even the best times can lead to thoughts of suicide); not generally acting on these impulses. The general idea on suicide is that "people use it to avoid bad times". Invalidating that point is simple - unless you understand the mindset of the individual, you are ignorant enough to feel it's "an escape". Certainly; there are people who are DRIVEN by bad circumstances to feel no other option; but for me (and many like me) it's not that simple. For me its a mood thing - even the best life is turned around by my "mental process" to be a feeling of failure and a belief that the world is better off without me. I'm not "escaping"; I'm doing the next logical thing for everyone around me. Which leads to my next idea I have found on suicide..... It's not ALWAYS a bad thought. Stay with me for a minute. There are times in life when we are ALL backed into a corner and feel no way out of a predicament.... which is usually when "normal" people fall into a depression themselves.... but what do you do when you're ALREADY depressed? Where do you go from there? For me; suicide is a reminder that there is ALWAYS another option. As morbid as this sounds; suicide can actually lift me OUT of a depression by reminding me I don't absolutely have to follow what appears to be the only path. Usually this is enough to bring me out of my funk; but sometimes the next step into the "endgame" seems the best option. However, when this becomes a real, tangible thought - as human beings we will often turn to those closest to us to have a "listening board" to try and work through our feelings - the guilt; the horror; the relief; the finite feeling of potential closure. Which leads to another of my biggest pet peeves of people in general.... People will often tell someone with suicidal thoughts that the very idea of suicide is "selfish". This logic makes my blood boil; and I have counter argued this point even in my moments of great despair. The truth of it is that the people who share this sentiment are the selfish ones. By employing a guilt trip because YOU want to keep me around - to entertain you; to assuage your guilt of not being able to "save me"; or for some religious reasoning - you are being ultimately selfish and at that moment you aren't even TRYING to listen to me and experience this moment I am going through. You are merely running through your rolodex of what is acceptable and trying to "save" me from what I feel right now. Hypocrisy. Those feeling suicide are often at their LEAST selfish - consider how totally void one feels as a human being in order to toy with the idea of ending their existence. We often feel that we are a burden - to people; to friends; to family; to life; to God. Then you turn to your family/ your friends and they in turn insult you. The real way to handle this situation is to have the suicidal person PLAN for the future - show them that they aren't a burden. Alternatively; people let their initial shock and judgement of the act to cloud their reactions. So who's selfish here? I'm certain that I will have more to say on this and many other topics (otherwise, why have a blog? :]), but I did want to address these in the initial run of this blog. If there are any people who are suicidal and stumble on this blog - you can always comment or email me. I have been there and I will not judge or try to sway you - I know first hand that sometimes you just want someone to listen. If you are the loved one of a person who has these thoughts (or completed the cycle); I am also open to discussing this if you have an open mind. Finally, don't judge what you don't understand - in a world of "political correctness" there are still some things people refuse to accept - that just because you can't SEE my difference doesn't make it any less meaningful.