Are Your Legs Tired?

The throbbing base begins its ascent

As the subtle modesty descends

Your costume labels you unholy

But my desire's akin to sin

The guitar's emotional lament

Underlies your sultry swagger

Your eyes lie lifeless from apathy

Innocence torn from you long ago

Your body rides the bombastic beat

Your raven haired bun framing your face

Your top obscuring my sole purpose

As I anticipate your bare skin

Your overwhelming confidence

Excites my unbridled craving

You execute your dance of desire

As I offer tokens of attention

You slither towards my trembling frame

Breasts undulating on their own dance

Gather my mind to a single sight

Our eyes come together in purpose

My hope to peek behind the curtain

Your talent is to drain me for your gain

With the invitation of your body

And my anticipation rising

The choatic lights slide across your skin 

As you writhe, mirroring my fantasy

An almost embarrassing display

Creates an atmosphere of silence

Taken with your interpretation

Charisma; difficult to explain

Alas, impossible to forget

The crescendo is within your grasp

As the audience provides support

Ever faster; a whirling dervish

Heel stomps, pole bouncing, acrobatics

You sacrifice the stage to your sweat

The song trails off into the distance

Your strategic sonata gives way

To the holistic hum of the crowd

One last glance; the ringmaster bellows

You collect your bounty for beauty

You gather your costume once again

Subduing your sex-soaked persona 

To mingle with the yearning masses 

Seeking one who lusts to touch the dream

Filling their rejection with deceit

Caressing the object desired

In the hopes of a moments solace

Descend into their desperation

Remembering that "All the worlds a stage"

Offer them your hollowed out body

Tuck your soul away for safe keeping

Giving them their song for your "success"

Taking your characterization

To dance through their minds every day 

When Is Enough?

      The irony of desire is that we as a species focus our attention on objects or people, but the motivation for craving is in the emotion itself. The idea is that by accomplishing or obtaining a certain object of our longing, we will satiate our desires. Yet, invariably, another object comes along to wet our appetite and the cycle of conquest continues. Like any emotion, there is no set amount that will complete our want, it is only in making the choice to be thankful for what we have that we can find relief and appreciation. 

     This situation is most common in interpersonal relationships. Desire plays s key role in the many levels we incorporate into finding our significant other. If the desire is for the body, then our attention has a tendency to stray. If our attention is focused I being loved, than as one relationship loses the fires of infatuation, another can rise in its place. If the desire is for companionship, the focus will shift and look to be filled in many interactions.

      However, if the desire is to love another, and we find that love standing before us, we have all we need to make the choice to desire no longer. In seeking to give, changing the object does not change the desire. In giving of ourselves, we never have fear of disappointment, for we control what we give and how we portray ourselves to others. How they interpret our actions is beyond our control, and if that becomes our focus, the cycle of passions can burn us alive.

If Not You, Then WHO?

     There are so many phrases and ideas that get handed out to us all day to day without much explanation or background. Things that become accepted to the point where they become cliches over time. Not all of these thoughts are without merit, if explored in a more complete manner that makes sense to us in the real world. 

     Live the life you imagined. Sounds so easy when you say it..... cliche as it may be. It's a Hollywood staple, right? There is some truth to it, as I have found. The key to living the life you imagine doesn't just deal in the life outside of you, but inside as well. (Like a Karate Kid speech....)

      The first thing I have found is that you have to be willing to keep your imagination grounded in reality. If you always wanted to wear a Mech suit with the Robotech Force, there isn't much you can do about accomplishing that dream. (Yet. I'm sure iMech is in the R&D phase as we speak) Another large part of the reality is focusing on what you can control. As one of my favorite sayings goes, "Paint the picture, then put yourseld in it." Once you can picture where you want to be, do what it takes to put yourself in that reality. Woo the girl. Move to Asia to become a Buddhist monk. Recognize what it is you want and do it.

     Which leads to step two. Material wants can be precise (I want a Maserati), but conceptual wants allow for a large degree of leeway (I want love - my vision right now id Jessica Alba, but other women can love me too. Right?) Limiting your want to a particular form limits you on how grand you can dream. I can find joy in so many places - friends, fun, possesions, youtube - and when my imagination was to find happiness, I found it in all it's forms and became the dream..... If I had only imagined the joys of strip clubs, how would I have ever fully appreciated The Best in the World (at What I Have No Idea). (Shout out from a bloging Jerocholic! Froot.) The point is, we as a society these days focus on only certain things to satiate our desires, but so many things can give us what we really need, if we are only willing to look.

     We have to know what we are really searching for. When I went in search of a wife, the initial idea was a desire to no longer be alone. Through more time of finding what it is I really wanted in life through the years, it wasn't that I just didn't want to be alone, it was that I wanted someone to play and share life with. Perception and the ultimate desire that drive our imagination need to be understood in order to complete the circle. If I had gone forward just "not wanting to be alone", I could have wound up with any number of unsatisfactory match ups that didn't fill my true void - to enjoy life with another. I could have gone into Ward Cleaver land and been sufficiently mentally nuetered and emotionally unfullfilled. Know what it is you truly want, and then go find ways to get it.

      It's not the depth of our imaginations that limit us; but the level of difficulty we saddle ourselves with and rules we use to excuse not doing the work to find our passion and purpose. Paint the picture....

Your Life Is the Definition of Insanity (If)

       It has steadily occured to me lately how many people "wish" (desire) something that is missing from their life. Be it a job, a loving relationship, a change in the people around them or even just a change in their circumstances; we live in a time where if we don't have the (perceived) American Dream (that many have bastardized and mocked), we are lacking. As people, we have not acheived on the same scale as others we know of or have seen in their mightiest light. It frustrates me because the power for many things rest on the shoulders of the individual, but many are looking for cosmic (divine?) intervention to set things right; for these dreamers are deserving of a better fate.

      In a time where many of our desires are possible and within our control with an internet connection and a modicum of desire: fame, art, love, jobs, sex changes, information (being turned into a newt is still not an option - but you could check with John Cleese) - so many of us are left wanting. Why?

      Many are not willing to truly do what it takes to gain their desire; even though it is within our grasp to do so.

      Let's take love, for example. I found myself talking to a young lady I have known for years when she mentioned how she wished she could find someone like I had found someone. She is also a national traveler, as our job allows for. I found my One on the road of work and life - why couldn't this young lady? I told her point blank, "Your man is out there, but he is not just going to be hanging out in your hotel room." She laughed, and the conversation continued on, but the key to everything was right there. In order to find what we want, we have to pursue it into uncomfortable situations, we have to want it bad enough to flex our current lifestyle, we have to make it a priority. Even those who seek something basic and fixed like contentment will have to be tested. Monks spend years training their minds to find "inner peace". (Not as long for us "Kung Fu Pandas") You can't just declare a desire for inner peace and passively back into Nirvana. Yet that is how we treat these things. I do not speak from a place of not knowing- I spent 13 years becrying my fate until the day I stood and changed. Even when bad things in life occur - when someone else's intent injures us, it is ultimately going to be up to us to find a way to let it go. Short of a lobotomy or medication; we posses the power internally (and the right universally) to choose another line of thought. It is never going to be easy. Yet wouldn't it be worth it to chase yourself into gleee rather than rest in horror? Another decision I had to make in my lifetime....

     The only way this idea doesn't succeed is when it is aimed at others who aren't willing or care to change. 

     "I wish he would notice me."

     "I want her to respect me."

     "I worry about his anger."

     "I want her to love me."

      This is not within our sphere of influence to change. We can ask, beg, ajole, jeer, whine, threaten - but this is where someone else's desires matter more than yours. If both of you care enough and can match them up; great! However, if this has become a desire, more than likely the attempt has been made and ignored. Not to say people don't change, certainly one can keep trying. However, you owe it to yourself (and the other person) to look realistically at what your asking and if they are capable. Or worth it. If you decide not, then you have to ask if you can change how you feel. If not, then another reposibility of being true to your self and your desire is not to pervert it to make it fit the construct you have before you - keep searching until you find someone who is worth it. If you want a companion who is funny, smart, attractive and a Gemini; then don't drop the first three criteria after the first Gemini you come across. It sounds silly, but we as a society do that all the time. 

       "My job would be great, except....."

       "He's everything I ever wanted, but....."

       "I really liked this car, until....."

       On the flip side, if you find someone who is funny smart and attractive; maybe you decide they are everything you want despite the fact they are a Virgo. (Go Virgo!) If you aren't that into Astrology, then that could be a winner. So many failures in our lives come from settling for things rather than continuing to pursue our dreams. Some times you have to settle - dreams ain't going to pay the bills. My libido doesn't just dissipate because it has no outlet. In these cases, take what you have before you (If you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with!) but continue the search. Don't proclaim your undying love to a booty call. Don't go to college to learn the best way to run a fryalator. Do wht you must to reach where you dream. Evolve, and don't settle into the comfort zone of "better than nothing". Appreciate the gift of discomfort - you are a learning, living, logical human being striving for your own inner peace. Nirvana.

       Define your self. Then become it!

 

The Dark Side of Desire

       Feeling particularly loser-y today. Part of that is a natural byproduct of what I have for a mental baseline; but part of it is dissatisfaction with my status in a number of things. After all these years, all I ever wanted was to find love and true happiness - now I've done that and the other parts of life have my undivided attention - and my displeasure. I don't know what it will take to finally be at peace with my place in the world; I'm not sure that it's even possible as a person with bipolar.

     A crazy can dream, can't he?

     I'm vexed about my blog. When I undertook this endeavor 4 years ago, it was at the behest of my therapist at the time who felt I needed an outlet - and an outlet I have acheived. As I have continued on, I have wanted this blog to be a voice - that cry in the night I never had that helped people to think and reason and someone (something?) to let me know I wasn't alone. I Don't feel I have acheived that, and I begin to doubt myself...... Is the name too macabre? (A wonderful pun, certainly - but something that will be read by those in need?) Is the content too broad? Am I not nearly as interesting or lyrical as I imagine myself? Do I not post often enough? When I do post, do I write too much? The slow poison of truth is that when you desire to reach an audience outside of yourself; it becomes a matter of finding a formula that works and then trying to excel. I have always sought to help those in need; I have always wanted to be the person everyone thought could help.... but am I?

      I'm nervous about my education. I kick myself for not undertaking this endeavor as a young man; when my energy was limitless, my learning style was still fresh and my experience was limited and I didn't think so far into things. It is what it is. Now I am in class and the time demands (and dealing with people who don't seem to be engaged) is draining and unsettling. It also frustrates me that it makes me feel this way.... normal people don't worry about it and keep moving forward - they tell everyone at cocktail parties how they worked two jobs and took night classes to become the top of their craft. I don't have that in me.... the stress an desire to excel drains me; the thought of working full time right now is one that makes me feel like school would suffer almost immediately. I have an amazingly supportive wife who allows me my faults; but I am still shamed by this fault.

     I'm worried about work. Will the road be my money source? I had an interview with a company that I really want to work for; but have heard nothing back. Was I not interesting enough? Should I have followed up? If so, how? Am I just not someone who is worthy of the brass ring that so many acheive without effort? A loser in the making? Should I apply for disability? Am I too crazy for work? Or am I just not made for the modern workplace.... or people in general? I'm going with natural born loser.... check back with me tomorrow.

      I'm concerned about whether I have what it takes to complete my passion project - the books I have been researching for and collecting info for and dreaming of. Maybe I'm tapping a market no one wants? My idea might be boring.... my execution may be lax..... orI may not be capable of such great things. Greatness seems to always be for other people, not me. I'm just a common man from rural Virginia that found a way to play amoing the stars....

      I have so many desires that its hard to fit them all in a days time.... much less while trying to lead a "normal" existence. I got the wife I needed; but now that it's time to put up and shut up in other areas, I don't seem to be setting the world ablaze as I had hoped. A book of matches..... perhaps.

      My mind is not my friend today.....

So, You Think You Can Write?

      Yes, I think I can. What an exciting moment today - I got my first call from a potential publisher talking about the many services they provide for aspiring authors such as myself. Sure, it will cost me to use their services; but feeling that my dream could inevitably become a reality is a fantastic thing! There are many people who feel they have a story to share with the masses - in this way, I am no different than many. I am willing to step up and take the chance, though. Front my own money. Perhaps one day I can have publishing firms fronting me money for future books and make a career of this. For today, my goal is much more quaint - I want to leave some small token that I existed. I could forever be in the Library of Congress as a published author! No matter how good or how bad this all turns out to be; it will be mine and will be eternal.

      Do you ever dream of writing? A book? Poetry? A screenplay? Any ideas of what you would like to see written? Are blogs the new books? So many things to consider - but so many stories begin with just taking a chance. The one break that takes a hundred failures to accomplish. This may ultimately go "nowhere". I might never be the next big thing. But..... How many people get to say they were able to create something for public consumption?

     I am still in the early stages; despite all this excitment. I have multiple ideas; but no book. I'm gaining knowledge; but no closer to an actual written tome. Finding time is difficult in moments, but once I start, I feel like it will flow quickly.

     I hope this works out....