With Apologies to 1993

     What is love? If I Had a way to describe it, I would say it's what is right, and what is wrong (give me a sign). *Grin*  Love is one of the most mystical of conversations that is argued about with great passion and gusto by many (for good reason). However, this is one of those things that people seek so long, desire so bad, that there is as much chance of achieving it successfully as there is finding a perverse offshoot that has nothing in common with the concept or to never finding it all.

     When people chase and fixate on a passion, they can find ways to suit their desire to appear as moments of circumstance. Chasing skirts. Falling for anyone who pays attention. Fantasy. There are those who take any chance to to pair off, even when it causes them to change who they are and settle for what they feel they should want, as opposed to what they truly desire. Even still, some cross the line into illegal pursuits of fancy and their whims take on a much darker meaning.

     Then there are those folks who are looking for a particular set of traits that the (perfect) mate possesses. By making a specific model, these people are left wanting and let many opportunities at happiness slip by for minor variances. While not setting an idea can lead to settling for an unsuitable partner, having to fine a set of details leads to a near impossibility of finding a person with all of the attributes. For some, it appears better to be alone than to accept anything other than Prince Charming. 

"I define love thus: The will to extend one's selloff the purpose

of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth."

- M. Scott Peck

      The joys of love are many, and the thoughts of the many are of sharing life with a partner in joy and peace. As such, life (and love) gain there power from the power of possibility. It is only from keeping an open mind and self awareness that true love can be uncovered and grown in to. In defining love as happiness and a need of another, then no set of rules can prepare you for the eventuality of where love will inspire you. What you will find is that your answers will be intuitive, as opposed to logical. You will feel the arrival of your loved one, which is why often we recognize what our heart has known for some time. The heart knows what the mind eventually discovers.

      If we are just aware and accept what we sense.

It Gets Better

       "I'm so OLD!"

       The words bleed forth from my lips with such vitriol and contempt on a daily basis. It's true, I am older now than I have ever been (obviously). Other truths are that it takes a lot more work to stay somewhat healthy; my joints and body ache more intensley and for a lt longer than it did before; my memory is so faulty that IT is almost a memory. When I was a boy, teenagers were OLD. When I was a teenager, thirty seemed to be a horrifying transition towards being one of "the Ancient Ones". However, when I hit thirty, it occured to me that eighty is so far off; that MUST be what old looks like. Now that I have accomplished half of eighty, I am starting to see life in a different light. Some of that is due to my life circumstances taking a dramatic shift; but I have to attribute it also to having so many life experiences. Old doesn't mean the same today as it once did.

      Yes, effectively, I am old. Why is that a bad thing? What is the alternative? "Live fast; die young; leave a beautiful corpse"? That is a tantalizing panacea when you are living through the horrors of depression; but - it's nice to have made it this far and created so many wonderful markers in so many amazing people's lives. Getting old allows me understanding and the ability to determine things that a younger me would never have even given a second glance. Things I could never have imagined at thirty have happened in the past ten years of existence. Not all great things; but more than enough to make the trip one to smile upon when glancing at them in the reflections of a darkened window in the evening. I'm here. The echo of dispair resonates through my mind when I think about how it could have been. Through age I have learned to doubt my negative assumptions.

      As a twenty year old, I made a declaration to myself and all who would listen that if I wasn't married with a family by thirty, I would kill myself to end a lonely life. Time would prove that marriage wasn't any better than alone, depending on who your partner was. At times, it was worse. I won't say I "soldiered on"; more like I pushed through because I had given my word and I felt a responsibility to keep it to those around me. What if I had ended myself in those early days? Depression made it very possible to make my twenties the end of the beginning. I would never have seen Las Vegas. New York. San Francisco. Florence. I would never have tried a litany of foods. Cooking would have been a Hardy Boys mystery. I couldn't have learned the wonders of anime. Strip clubs. The book I am creating would have been lost to the cosmos. So many jokes untold; laughs not shared; pains left lurking in the souls of many.

       I would never have known the greatest love I have ever known: my son and my wife. The experience of having them both curled close to me - a pod of love and life that really has been the stamp of my later life.

      Ultimately, age has given me the vision of a true future. When you're young or even in your twenties, life seems like it will always be the limited scope of things you have experienced in those early days - mostly school, the struggle of finding your self, enjoying all the things we couldn't at a young age (generally to excess), financially battling toward comfort - all while learning how to interact with the world around you and learning to be a cog in the community construct. With practice comes mastery (either what is expected or what you have determined is the portrait you have chosen to hang on your face for the world), and confidence in what the world is and where you exist in it. For the first time in my life, the thought of eighty is one I can see vividly - the people I have in my life sitting with me in an old folks home. It takes twenty years to have a friend of two decades - another gift you can only accomplish by growing older.

      Believe me, when I wake up in the morning with my back creaking and my knees popping, it isn't what I envisioned would be my fate. However, it is a small price to pay for being able to kiss my wife good morning; talking to my son for hours; jokins with my closest friends throughout many moments painted against a black canvas. None of us are ever 100% happy nor is life always going to have us in a place of thanks and grins. I have found my content to know that I have far too much to appreciate to ever bemoan some extra shots and occasional daily discomforts. (Prostate exams notwithstanding) 

     If you are one of these young people who are caught in the depression of "Will this always be the way?", I can promise you it does get better. You just need to take the time now to learn and grow from the pain to remold yourself to be ready when the right people and right situation come along..... so that you feel worthy of your (eventual) "good fortune" that you have worked your whole life to acheive.

I May Not Be Perfect..... Wait, I'm Not.

      So, my blog comes early today. I'm having a good day overall; but it is one of those days that, over time, seem to become defining moments in hindsight. A lot of different things are juxtaposed today; and I want to write (type?) them out for further understanding and though. There may not be a dfinite answer at this end of this post; but the payoff is in the emoting.

     I finished my last duty for my last assignment of my current job; and i am scheduled to talk to my boss today. He told me a few months ago that I would be laid off; but no other opportunities have arisen as of yet. I don't know if he may eke out one more assignment for me; or if today is the day I join the ranks of the unemployed. Since I am getting laid off; I will try to get unemployment; but nothing is a sure thing - especially here in the Sunshine State. I would like to get some part time work somewhere; but nothing has come to pass thus far.

     On the plus side; I spoke to my co-collaborator today about a future book idea. It seems we both have a similar artistic vision for what the outcome can be; and it was so invigorating to discuss the avenues available for this project! My favorite authoer Hugh Prather has a quote - "When you get halfway there; you stop disbelieving in there." We aren't halfway yet; but the planning stage makes it seem like something just over the horizon. It is wonderful to have a wonderful wife to support me in my endeavor; in my growth. I really can't overstate how much she inspires me.

     Speaking of her inspiration; I started school yesterday..... what's old is new again. I began my 4 year journey towards scholastic evolution - the bachleors degree! Another quote from Hugh - "There is another way to go through life besides kicking and screaming." I have boxed shadows long enough; it's officially time to buy in. I have gotten as far as my charm and wit will take me; it's now time for some "book learnin'" and a new, innocent climb. It feels good to not only have an amazing wife supporting me; but I have heard great things from my mom and my best friend as well. No matter how much we consider ourseles a "loner", no one can deny how good it feels to have people you respect giving you their support and appreciation. In the dark times, I know I have people who I can lean on until I can walk again. My wife is not only an inspiration; but also a best friend. John, you can put the poms-poms in storage.....lol.

     Even more awesomeness is the fact I am going to see my favorite band ever in concert this evening! Gwar in their new incarnation rocks San Francisco! In this time of transition and overcoming obstacles; this is another great moment for me; as the band is overcoming and evolving as well. I am so excited to be going to the show with my wife and our close friends. Gwar concert = awesome. Gwar + Best Friends? EPIC. I have my white shirt and trashy shoes ready for the show!

      Ultimately, I have no final conclusion. If my job ends, it has been a hell of a run. If my book comes to fruition, I will be proud of the accomplishment - the success will be secondary. I will obtain my degree in the next few years. To the wife - "I'm gonna keep on loving you..... Cuz it's the only I wanna doooooo!!" Gwar is going to rock ALL the asses tonight! I may not be living "the dream" I spoke of at 20; but I am living.... and that is all I need!

So, You Think You Can Write?

      Yes, I think I can. What an exciting moment today - I got my first call from a potential publisher talking about the many services they provide for aspiring authors such as myself. Sure, it will cost me to use their services; but feeling that my dream could inevitably become a reality is a fantastic thing! There are many people who feel they have a story to share with the masses - in this way, I am no different than many. I am willing to step up and take the chance, though. Front my own money. Perhaps one day I can have publishing firms fronting me money for future books and make a career of this. For today, my goal is much more quaint - I want to leave some small token that I existed. I could forever be in the Library of Congress as a published author! No matter how good or how bad this all turns out to be; it will be mine and will be eternal.

      Do you ever dream of writing? A book? Poetry? A screenplay? Any ideas of what you would like to see written? Are blogs the new books? So many things to consider - but so many stories begin with just taking a chance. The one break that takes a hundred failures to accomplish. This may ultimately go "nowhere". I might never be the next big thing. But..... How many people get to say they were able to create something for public consumption?

     I am still in the early stages; despite all this excitment. I have multiple ideas; but no book. I'm gaining knowledge; but no closer to an actual written tome. Finding time is difficult in moments, but once I start, I feel like it will flow quickly.

     I hope this works out....

Four Letter Words and Forever

     Love continues to show me so many things - continues to open me to the possibilities that forever with my Hummingbird will include. Like a Neil Young discography - I have gone from "The Needle and the Damage Done" to "Heart of Gold" to finally arrive at "Harvest Moon". Finding my true love has brought me into focus and all I can say is - this is forever. I have given her all of me - my love, my heart, my fears, my trust and my SELF. She has earned every bit of it; and I will not imagine my life without her.

     So, starting this week she is changing her eating style for health - and as a supportive and loving partner - I am as well. It's actually another awesome moment - she invited me along and wants to do this together. So, it is in effect a low carb diet - says the man who has lived a life of meat, potatoes, rice and bread..... i have told her many times I would do ANYTHING for her - and I feel I have proved that time and again. So I shall once more. On a personal aside; it's a very minimal thing to do for the continued health of my darling - it's just a good thing she has started teaching me months ago about eating new things. The shock won't be as much from eating (or cooking - since she taught me to cook as well!!) these foods - but from making them my constant companion. Who knows? Maybe I will even become more healthy - not something I have worried about in my life. Wanting to spend your life with someone makes extending that life relevant - I want to grow old and experience life's many phases alongside my soulmate..... today rice; tomorrow Farro; Next week - the WORLD. Wish me luck people; this is a huge challenge..... NO MORE SNICKERS FOR A WHILE. :( This is a life change..... so hopefully in 6 months snickers will go back to being a treat - not a dietary staple. :)

     Another huge event this week is my love coming to "my" place - she comes to stay in my apartment and with her presence - officially makes it "home". Our home. It allows her time away from her normal routine - letting her relax and take it easy - stress free. This week we also BOTH need to take it easy - this new eating style will initially drain us with our lessening carbs and calories. I have tried to get little things to make it feel like home for her - her own towel; her own shampoo; her own blanket. I have cleaned it to make her comfortable with it - it's not a bachelor pad - it's a second home for our love to blossom. She's had a rough month with illness - and I have a whole weekend to try and keep her still and relaxed. I can't wait!

     Work continues to go well.... My boss is awesome and I am better at my job than I imagined. When things come naturally, it's hard to really be proud - it's not work if there isn't an effort needed - but as with so much of my life; things just seem to follow a flow for me - if I stray from the flow I get lost and feel stress - feel forced. I stand up and I give people information and I give it as me - jokes and play and reflection. I have a natural predisposition to wanting others to succeed - so I suppose training is right up my alley - preparing others for what is to come. It helps so many times in life to know what you are - what your strengths are. I have busted hump to get where I am currently - but I have finally found my niche I feel. I do not want. Many in my spot are trying to move to the "next level" - there's more money to be had; better title - but I am comfortable where I am. I have achieved and I get paid well to do something that fits my personality and comes easy to me. If I press forward; the next level doesn't seem to hold that same "rhythmic" quality - is more money worth more stress? Time will tell...

     My love awaits me in bed. This time in reflection has been amazing; but now it's time to climb in to bed beside her and enter her dreams....