Ascent

Keep in mind that we create relationships

Not only to drive solitude from our lives,

Not simply for the act of procreating,

But in order to evolve to a higher level.

Evolution requires transformation

That can come only through experience.

When we stop learning from others,

We deny ourselves the ability

To attain greater enlightenment

For the historically soothing comforts

Of remaining the same.

A simple truth is that while

We need others in order to live;

We require other people to

Reach our full potential:

As friends, as lovers,

And as individuals.

A mirror to reflect actions;

An institution to provide learning;

A harbor to give safe haven

When life's undercurrent

Threatens to cast us off

Into the oblivion of despair.

Stay true to your covictions-

That core that rests at 

The base of who we are,

But stay malleable in deed,

As there is always another 

Way to be learned from

Those who have done it before.

Don't Be Afraid of a Little Discomfort

     It seems so simple to me, the point of living is doing and being and experiencing everything that I can. With so many people locked into their routine and huddled safely in the cell of their comfort zone, how could I possibly hope to illustrate the joy of the unknown? Hiding safely in myopia, what words can illustrate the world awaiting them on the other side of their bias? We all know that our perceptions of events are often misleading and wholly inaccurate, yet still we cling to them as the weathervane of our choices within our reality. 

      What is the allure of the known? Why the fear of doing something unexpected, new? I have had so many great experiences on a flight of fancy, which is in keeping with my bipolar disorder. Even more, I have ignored a perceived ideal of an event to go forward and enjoy a great experience that I would have shunned otherwise. I have learned that there is a beauty to doing things I have never done before, to throw myself upon the fates and see where it winds up. 

      The steady loop of the same things (even going out drinking, as fun as it might be), becomes just another line on a daily checklist of repetition in an event less life. It is funny how people that live this way always feel that life flies by. If the scenery never changes, how can you expect the passage of time to be a real thing? It's all the differences in day to day living that make life stand out; memories made in moments become the mile markers we see on the road behind.  In seeking safety, what many actually get is wasted time and vapid minds.

      But it's only one mans opinion.

That Which Does Not Kill.....

       Today, I was given many reminders about how much we all tend to defend the things that matter to us and not allow them to be associated with what we deem "lesser" things - even when the parrallel is striking. It is well known that our emotions can tinge our perceptions, but it is still startling how much many of us are willing to sacrifice a logical parrallel for the sake of holding our ideal "above" things we don't particularly care for.

       The sad part goes back to a continual theme for me - that which can build can also destroy. These lines between two points could be used as a way to change our perceptions and gain a greater appreciation for the  "offending" ideal, but so often it is the trap door that we use to make the concept seem illegitimate. As a species, we have a disposition to create so many negative opinions about so many topics - but why? TO be like family and friends? Ego? An acceptance of our community standards with no thought of our own? Dismissing things out of hand is easy enough to do, but it plays a large part in why we are all so limited in our perceptions and stages of "becoming". I have learned in my time to choose another way - there are only a handful of things that I refuse to take any part in (outside of clearly dangerous ones) based on an opinion. Even my own opinion. Things I would never have imagined as a young man that I would take part in. I have learned to cook. I have learned to drink. I know how to do hair. I have danced! (Albeit not much. Try things; always be cognizant of your limitations. Blind confidence is a disaster looking for a place to happen.) I watch BBC shows (a definite coming of....... age?) If it does not hurt or offend, I do not see the reason to disavow myself of it. If for no other reason, the experience gives me another set of skills, ideas or moments I can reflect on, share or even fall in love with doing. I like to cook (For that special someone). I like doing hair. MOre importantly, I like trying to be the example to get others to open their minds and taste as many of the worlds pleasures (in action) as possible. One never knows what gifts the unknown holds for us....     

I May Not Be Perfect..... Wait, I'm Not.

      So, my blog comes early today. I'm having a good day overall; but it is one of those days that, over time, seem to become defining moments in hindsight. A lot of different things are juxtaposed today; and I want to write (type?) them out for further understanding and though. There may not be a dfinite answer at this end of this post; but the payoff is in the emoting.

     I finished my last duty for my last assignment of my current job; and i am scheduled to talk to my boss today. He told me a few months ago that I would be laid off; but no other opportunities have arisen as of yet. I don't know if he may eke out one more assignment for me; or if today is the day I join the ranks of the unemployed. Since I am getting laid off; I will try to get unemployment; but nothing is a sure thing - especially here in the Sunshine State. I would like to get some part time work somewhere; but nothing has come to pass thus far.

     On the plus side; I spoke to my co-collaborator today about a future book idea. It seems we both have a similar artistic vision for what the outcome can be; and it was so invigorating to discuss the avenues available for this project! My favorite authoer Hugh Prather has a quote - "When you get halfway there; you stop disbelieving in there." We aren't halfway yet; but the planning stage makes it seem like something just over the horizon. It is wonderful to have a wonderful wife to support me in my endeavor; in my growth. I really can't overstate how much she inspires me.

     Speaking of her inspiration; I started school yesterday..... what's old is new again. I began my 4 year journey towards scholastic evolution - the bachleors degree! Another quote from Hugh - "There is another way to go through life besides kicking and screaming." I have boxed shadows long enough; it's officially time to buy in. I have gotten as far as my charm and wit will take me; it's now time for some "book learnin'" and a new, innocent climb. It feels good to not only have an amazing wife supporting me; but I have heard great things from my mom and my best friend as well. No matter how much we consider ourseles a "loner", no one can deny how good it feels to have people you respect giving you their support and appreciation. In the dark times, I know I have people who I can lean on until I can walk again. My wife is not only an inspiration; but also a best friend. John, you can put the poms-poms in storage.....lol.

     Even more awesomeness is the fact I am going to see my favorite band ever in concert this evening! Gwar in their new incarnation rocks San Francisco! In this time of transition and overcoming obstacles; this is another great moment for me; as the band is overcoming and evolving as well. I am so excited to be going to the show with my wife and our close friends. Gwar concert = awesome. Gwar + Best Friends? EPIC. I have my white shirt and trashy shoes ready for the show!

      Ultimately, I have no final conclusion. If my job ends, it has been a hell of a run. If my book comes to fruition, I will be proud of the accomplishment - the success will be secondary. I will obtain my degree in the next few years. To the wife - "I'm gonna keep on loving you..... Cuz it's the only I wanna doooooo!!" Gwar is going to rock ALL the asses tonight! I may not be living "the dream" I spoke of at 20; but I am living.... and that is all I need!

Evolution of a Free Spirit

      As I sat on the couch with my wife today, talking to my college counselor, a light spark traveled from my ear to the base of my skull, down to my chest. I am at the crux of the life I refused to claim for so long. WIth the words, "You are enrolled....", I could see a horizon with new adventures and new beginnings for this old man. 

      Growing up, it had always frustrated me to watch a society - with schools, peers, parents and media - that pushed us all to find a way to fit into the same mold. Personalities forsaken; desires extinguished; skill sets forsaken. In order to become a meaningful participant in society; you were tasked with getting good grades in school, immediately moving into college and more learning, and moved right out into the world as cattle #54689. I didn't want that for myself. Success in my mind was not predicated on getting "the" job or making the most money. My heros were not based on their power or financial status; my heros were gleaned from those society viewed as different - those who had chose to stand for their own unique brand and personality. I spent many lonely hours getting to the core of who I am as a human being in order to best identify what I was and what I could give to the world - not what I needed to be in order to fill my "spot". In that vein, I have not changed. I place my worth to people on the good I can do more than the money I can make - and I still admire those who dare to be different.

      However, as the old saying goes - "Money talks; bullshit walks." As I inched into adulthood with the prospects of a family, it was obvious I would have to get finances from SOMEWHERE. With that fact in mind, I insisted on taking menial jobs - my diploma only allowed me certain access that everyone around me thought my "intelligence" should exceed. To my mind, I wasn't going to be another "sellout" - a college educated, smarmy egotist wearing my tie to work to be just another cog in the corporate machine. Sure, I needed to feed my family (and barter is no longer a viable option in modern America), but I was going to do it in a job as the common man! By the dirt on my hands and sweat on my brow; I would show that I earned my money through my toil and perseverance. I was still allowed to be me; as long as I stocked the shelves. I worked to work; and in turn got paid - but the work was the goal.

     It's funny how life begins to lead us when we refuse its gentle urgings. Fate. God's Will. Opportunity. Call it what you will, but it definitely shows through. If you choose to ignore the gifts; at some point you are looking to be the victim. Or have a pronounced fear of success. So, from an ad in the paper I land a technical job with one of the major companies in industry. I am asked to wear collared shirts and take on additional duties. Eventually, I am in a place of leadership with others who look to me for guidance. With a TIE. Over and over throughout the years; whatever it is that I am as a person has escalated me to greater and grander heights. It's easy to preach the gospel of "not selling out" when you are speaking in hushed tones to the mirror. When I became a sounding board for others; I didn't see the fairness in counseling them down from their dream of "joining the machine". They had a right to their definition of success - just as I had mine. In fact, as I progressed through the years and realized how much more difficult my lack of learning had made things; I began to wonder if there was another way for me to encapsulate success as well.

      Age isn't always wisdom; but with age I came to realize I could place myself into the machine and still maintain my self in the process. I have come to the epiphany that making a stand doesn't define you as an individual - it's the way you treat those around you; your ability to adapt and overcome life's question; the way you are true to your SELF while also fitting in with the numerous personalities and experiences that our peers present. Being an orginal is my definition - telling off color jokes in "power meetings"; finding the inspiration for books in the most interesting places; being willing to make decisions "on the fly" and stand by the outcome - no matter the ultimate conclusion. I define mysef very clearly in my words and deeds - this much is very apparent. Can everybody? I don't know. It takes a true sense of self to just be "in the moment" and always feel like the time is appropriately yours - a testament to your innocence. With my last career step, I was able to climb to heights that a younger me could never have fathomed - and an older me sees as the crossroads of a career that has run on talent alone.

      As with many of life cycles, I am shedding my old "skin" of expectations and assumptions; finally becoming the last of my childhood boogeymen. I will be a college student in the coming days - not to make more money or gain a better title; but because I feel I can make a better place of this world. I have realized in growing older that life is all about legacy - what are future generations going to remember about me? Did I do my best to leave my own novel that would be worth writing? With every smile, every kiss, every "I love you"; my personal legacy is more grandiose and illuminating. Now I want to expand my influence - I want to make a difference that is felt on more than just a limited local level. I want to develop or change or speak for an ideal that will make everyone feel better that I existed at all. Truly, I am - and that is the wonder. Whether I write the book that changes percetions; or acquire a degree and use it to better someone's day; or I just continue to proclaim to everyone I meet that what is in them is a many splendored thing - I will become. 

     Won't you join me?