Just Another Day...

     Today was supposed to be any other day: Wake up at 6:25, make the wife breakfast, settle in to do some work, follow it with some schoolwork, cook the wife dinner and go to bed at 9. As I am sure you can gather from the framing of my opening sentence, that is not what occured. That is why life can never be reproduced into a simulation! Variables are what make life...... life.

     I didn't awaken until 7:15 (after a fitful night of rest)- just in time to kiss the wife goodbye and settle in for a day of work projects and scholastic endeavors. Only one planned action into my day and I was already 0 for 1. When I logged into my work email at 8:30, I was greeted with a message, yesterday my boss requested me to attend a 1 on 1 session today at 10:30. Zoiks! Didn't see that email yesterday! I emailed a confirmation and whipped into getting ready mode, knowing that I had an hour drive ahead of me. Actions two and three now fell off the "will do" list, as I had somewhere else to be! Now as I was getting ready, I noticed that the wife had left her wallet on the table. Ruh roh! The wife is driving around on a quarter tank of gas, with no ID or payment options! No Bueno! I contact her to let her know to drive sane, and to try and get home to get her wallet before hitting the road to travel to meetings. Chivalry is NOT dead! I would have taken it to her myself, if not for my meeting! So, as I have alluded to on my blog before, my company is in the process of trimming positions, and at some point my job will be gone as well (probably by December). With that in mind, I drove to my office with a heart ready for the "final countdown" and an iron will ready to speak my mind. Upon my arrival, my boss is ringing my phone to ask if I had hit the road yet (I was half an hour early). It was an odd call. I go in side and he tells me to hang out for a few; which made my suspicions creep up even more - this was going to be it. Future endeavored. All during our meeting I was very blunt with him about what was going on and my capacity to execute while still employed; and I believe that provided me a stay of execution for the time being (for better or worse). I would like to find another job soon, and leave before I am asked not to come back, but.....  So, as I am leaving the boss' office, I ring the wife and she proceeds to ask me to meet her (after her work meeting) to get her gas; she hadn't made it home in time prior and was not gasfully endowed. Of course I went, but now all day of actions was out the window! Another one bites the dust. I killed an hour during her meeting, taking the free time to head over to the Applebee's and query the bartender there about how I might be able to get a job in the bartending industry (one of many options). Meeting up with the wife after, my love came strolling out with a mutual friend of ours; a little yellowjacket of a woman who had very clearly had her hive stirred this day. We consoled her for a few, and then off to lunch we went! We talked all about our days and vented about the absurdity of the situations we have surrounding us; with the wife reassuring me it was going to be okay for the two of us. I knew it was true because...... she had said so. All I needed to hear. We finish with lunch and get gas for her to get home; at that point she decides it's a good day to take an early exit and is going to come home with me. Score! We arrive at the homestead early enough that I suggest a bike ride; and she is on it! We get changed, take a quick cool ride, and return home tired (and in her case with a slight headache). We heated up some leftovers and, as of 8:30, are both in bed ready for sleep. Unless you counting heating leftovers, I was 0 for expectations. Life, amIright? I made sure to fullfill my poem a day challenge (See below), and at least GLANCE at my schoolwork. A day full of nothing special becomes an even busier day of nothing too special. I'm not unique - we all have lives that can become varied in the blink of an eye; but isn't it fun to reflect on sometimes?

The fleeting glance of a crush

The delicate touch of a lover

The honored bond of man and pet

The sincere devotion of a mother

The childish eyes of innocence

The tortured passion of alone

The smothering cynicism of truth

The harrowed echo of doubt

The scalding acid of greed

The contemptable regret of envy

In this world,

These things have found 

Themselves to be omnipresent;

Reimagined by humans

Throughout time 

There's a Large Gap Between "You're Good Enough" and....

     "I shall not want". Actions may hold meaning; but words hold POWER. I continue my march of rebirth; luckily alongside a woman who knows there are things we need to do to succeed - and allows that - as any newborn creature - I will at times stumble; even fall. However, I always get back up, quickly returning to her side. It is thanks to her grooming and time and appreciation that I am even learning..... self appreciation? Confidence? Self-Love is too erotic a term. :) Whatever it is; it is something that is slowly starting to overtake the other voices that have been my companion for so long.... It is a gentle voice telling me I can rest easy - for all of my acceptance of others; I have at long last found someone who is accepting of me - someone who loves me, even with her eyes wide open.

     There is also an enormous gulf between "Good enough" and "extraordinary" when it comes to my work as well. I don't need (or even want) to be the star of the show; but I am not content just making the team either. I want to be a part of the machine - a part that is relevant and makes it go. I am working very hard at the skills I am developing as a trainer - it's not just about the information - I am trying to learn the psychology of delivery and building rapport and determining when information goes from relevant to overkill. The information I am disseminating a large and it is important - so I take my job with a large degree of seriousness as far as giving people what they need to be successful. I might do it with the occasional fart joke - but humor is a great motivator. :) I feel like I do what I do well; I just hope it's not overshadowed by the fact that I always have a quip and a smile....

     These two thoughts feed on one another...... I get kudos at work and it feeds my self worth and makes me want to work even harder at home to please my darling. My love gives me support and validation and it drives me through those dark moments where everything at work is coming down around me.... I do my best to exist in equilibrium.... the chaos from within makes stability and certainty one of my most cherished and valued commodities. Apparently, to the outside world, my easy nature and playful attitude translate to "confidence" (Oh, it's THAT book....); but the reality is I don't stop to think - I am able to be careless with myself because I just "do". Not so much confidence as the innocent (and perhaps self focused?) ramblings of a child.....

     I can feel myself starting to gain control of my inner tumult after so long. I was NOT perfect this weekend..... but there were a number of times I stayed aware of all that I was thinking and I let a lot of the non-productive thoughts collapse under the weight of their inability to offer anything to her; me; us. I'm starting to remember that EVERYTHING doesn't HAVE to be acknowledged - it is my responsibility to give my darling (and the WORLD) those parts of me I want them to react to. I am not without fault (I may never be); but I will make it (and I am off to a great start!) so that it is an occasional occurrence and not a daily obstacle. I owe it to her. I owe it to ME. I don't LIKE that part of me - but it is MY part and it is up to me how to best utilize it...

     For so long, I was  told how I was never wanted and I was never enough. In recent years; I have begun to struggle with (and coming to terms with) the notion that I was "good enough" to have the life others have and actually have the ability to be happy. A large leap of faith.... more like a series of bunny hops for me. I'm still working on this one. Now comes this leviathan of love to introduce the idea that not only am I "good enough" - but so much more than the "Average bear". Or Average Bare. (With apologies to Yogi....) Toto, we ain't in Kansas anymore. The funny thing is - her words and actions and looks and love show this to be a fact..... I may very well become more comfortable of her premise of my remarkableness before I can accept a more broad based ideal that I of a level to accomplish those things "normal" people do. Once I accept her definition of me as above average - what happens if one day I'm just "average"? Or I am having a "Below Average" kind of day? Does the standard change if you find me more capable and I accept that standard? Do I have more option to fail? Jobs most certainly work on this principle; but I hope special now will be special always. I give because I care; I give because I can.... I don't ever want to have to compete with my own accolades in order to keep things interesting or entertaining...

     This blog isn't extra-ordinary, but hopefully it's "good enough".