And Now, In Your Main Event...

     It occurs to me that the action I consider "kissing ass" in my life is really just a press conference before big events. Self-congratulating, informative events that announce to everyone - especially those who would never know if not for a news outlet - exactly what will be presented when the time for action has arrived.

      'Selling oneself' is a talent that can be hard for some of us - at least me - and I just want my actions to speak louder than words. Archaic thought process, I know, but it really seems what I do would say everything about what i am capable doing. However, I can't change the system and am thus am responsible to learn how to play within it.

      I am currently interested in a promotion with my company, and the path to 'leveling up' goes through a process of selling managers on your accomplishments in place of them recognizing your hard work. This is the place we've found ourselves in - 'doing it' is secondary to proclaiming it. That's where I made the connection watching a live press conference just now. There's a wrestling event happening in Mexico in a few months, and as I watched (with no clue what was being said), a thought dawned on me that there fans would know what was coming, why go through the hassle of a 'presser'. To reach the average Joe, not to sell to the average fan. When I go to my managers and tell them about the strides I've been making, it feels dirty. Like a snake oil salesman. In my next attempt, I will try to frame it mentally as exposing one of them to parts of my day they don't know. Hopefully I won't feel so dirty.

       The process of growth can be uncomfortable, but is necessary in the evolution of the self. I will try to reframe my feeling on the process in order to reach the goal I am squared on until I reach it. Can that be so bad?

I'm No John Deacon!

     Tonight, to end the weekend long celebration of my wife's ##th birthday, I took her to see Queen's 1981 concert from Montreal in the local theater. The concept of the evening was pretty cool - it is one of those events that gets broadcast on different screens nationwide as a shared event; and I am all about things that are unique. When I found this on the internet, I bought us tickets and kept it a surprise from my wife, until tonight. It turns out this was the first rock concert EVER recorded for the possibility of movie theater viewing. Good times were under way!

     The wife and I settled into a very sparse crowd at the theater (a good sign that we would not be climbed over; or disturbed by people nearby; or any of the other nuisances that keep me out of many theaters these days. Okay, so I'm old. Sue me.) We had some time to kill before the show, so the wife and I chatted a bit about her surprise and our views on Queen and the Fathom Events idea (more info at www.fathomevents.com). I'm pleased to say that she was excited for what was to come and had no idea it was coming. I take great pride in creating experiences for my loved ones that will come as a surprise and entertain them in ways that weren't even aware they could be entertained. Mission accomplished!

      The movie began and for a minute, the lights were still on. I was worried that we were going to have to do some art nouveau viewing that would have us watching a movie with the lights still on. Thankfully, as I was gauging how that would make me feel, the lights went out and it was time to suspend reality for a little bit to step back in time 33 years. From the first wail from Freddie Mercury, I knew we were in for something special. As the movie unfolded, the cinematography, the stage performance and the ability for the band to recreate their songs on stage were all equally impressive. It was a perfect day for all of the working components and it seemed like everyone was at the height of their powers (including the roadies!! The timing throughout the concert was mind blowing!). This concert video is a must see for anyone who loves music; a moment where the concert could match (and surpass) the beauty of any musical format (8 track, cassette, CD, Itunes).

       However, there was an unintended story in the movie that took on a life of its own and drew myy attention (and entertainment) to a whole different level.

       As the film begins, the band is visually introduced to us cinematically. The bassist (John Deacon) wsa given a very glaring outfit that stood out immediately (sky blue t-shirt and jeans. He looked like a surgeon.) I smirked a tad at his 80's getup, but thought nothing more of it. While the film carries on, however, I began to notice that the bassist didn't seem to get much screen time - he was always off to the side or in the blurred background. Freddie was writhing and undulating with the beat, the lead guitarist was in the spotlight a number of times for obligatory 80's guitar solos (and had 5 costume changes to John's ZERO) and even the drummer had a number of spotlight moments, including playing huge conga drums and an asian style gong. Even Freddie locked eyes at times during the performance with the drummer and lead guitarist to further add a sense of ignoring the bassist. I was mesmirized watching this guy who seemed to get the same appreciation as the furniture on stage just continue to do him. He became a kind of anti-hero for me.... cheering him on toward some recognition; a moment of his own. So often, he just seemed to wander to the middle of the stage as a placeholder when Freddie was off in the wings making girls (and guys, I'm sure) scream and wet themselves. Then, finally, it came! The second to last song was, "Another One BItes The Dust" - which, of course has a bass lead in. For those glorious 5 seconds, John Deacon was THE MAN!! The next (and last) song, he REALLY came alive - gyrating and dancing and breaking out the windmill to burn all the energy he saved over the course of the night. It was humorous to watch him finally rise up and become a functioning part of the whole experience - like watching a giraffe walk for the first time. Even still, when the band took their bow, he kept his bass hugged tightly to his chest and seemed embarrased by the adulation. A drinking game is born.....

       With all of the fun of following the saga; it did cause me to ponder the situation. What would it mean to have been John Deacon back in the 80's as it appeared in this film? Would it be worth it to be a part of one of the biggest bands in the world; even if it meant never really getting recognition or appreciation? Is money enough? Do the other band members feel like any bassist can do what you do? (Bassists are't afforded the same appreciation it seems that lead guitarists or drummers are. And of course the front man can make or break a lot of bands...) Sure, you would always get to tell girls, "I'm the bassist for Queen! Do me?" How would it feel if you were the little fish in an enormous pond? I am sure I will never know. It is something to ponder, however.

     In reality, the film was more than likely crafted to highlight the "money makers" in the group. Historically, I would hope that the bassist for one of the greatest bands of all time would get his due - and I am sure in the circles that matter; he does. If nothing else, he was the star of the show for me tonight. A great time with a fantastic woman watching an EPIC band.

     

You Better Work.....

     It's so hard to be in such a tenuous position. For so many of us, it's more uncomfortable many times to anticipate the horror that is to come than to actually experience it. While I am not currently living in an in-between status of terror; it is very disconcerting in my career right now. However, with a silver lining firmly in place, is there a place to be unhappy?

      So, right now I am in the process of my position being "laid off" with my current company. I mention being in the process because there in't a definitive last day; therefore leading to short term future uncertainty and a middle area - do I quit my job (with it's lame duck status) for a job with less money or opportunity? Just to control my destiny? Am I better off to ride this out and apply for things after? As uncomfortble as it is overall; there is still a comfort to going to the same place everyday, seeing the same people, doing the same thing. Many people remind me that I am still getting a paycheck - which is a true statement - but there is a danger in holding on too long and missing another opportunity. It's also disconcerting to go in every day knowing that, in the long term, all my work amounts to very little. It causes me to feel very complacent and just sleep walk through many of my days. I've been applying for jobs I really want to do; saving the desperation for after there is finally an end date on the horizon. I think there will definitely be career move to a new industry in the coming months. As I set myself up in my school career, the new skills I acquire willl help me be confident and ease into the new world that awaits.

      One ray of light is that I have a contract for work next January. Knowing that I have a source of income makes my decision a little less immediate. The upside of the road is that money can come fast and makes everything a little more palatable. The downside is that for (up to) one month, I will be in a differnt time zone and communicating with and spending time with my wife will be at an unfortunate minimum. I would quote the line about desperate times, but in truth these are not desperate times. I am not in a prime position, but I have a lot of opportunitiess that my life experience and skill set allow for me. Ultimately, a few months of work next year could lead me to using the rest of my time over the next few years to applying myself to my studies.

      I have a ridiculous amount of things right now that I am interested in accomplishing. It's almost as if I have reached the height of my powers and I am ready to move into another level of my life. It's amazing what being in a good marriage can do. I also have such a wide array of friends now that have amazing skills and fantastic drive. I feel like there is something better waiting for me on the other end of the toil that comes with success. Last time I felt this way, I was able to climb the career leadder and find the love of my life. What could be awaiting me this time??

It's So Easy, Any Man Can Do It!

      In an effort to moving into the next phase of my existence, I have being doing a lot of research on many different topics. There are a number of running themes through the various topics I have chosen to look into and pursue in the future. Whether the information is positive or negative proves to be a parallel to how beneficial the information might be.

      The first thing I notice is that stories told of success arevoid of many details. To hear the story progress, it almost seems as if the destiny of the individual talking was pre determined to end in wealth and prestige. The thoughts that led to taking the path less traveled is left ot of the equation; as is some of the risks taken that paid off. I don't feel the blueprint is hidden to the rest of us; I think it's just one of those things where the things that stick out on our journey are the ones that left an emotional impact - generally the down side leaves a lasting effect.

       The negatives and lessons learned seem to spill forth; painting a vivid picture of what seemed not to work in the person's climb to the top. It is certainly important to use these lessons as a springboard to something else; but I would also benefit from their successes as well. I don't wnat to follow the same pattern; but it helps me to know how I can do it my own way. It's still mine to be courageous and taking the chance; but who wouldn't want to use a previous case study to best plot out a plan of action? I'm not looking to be rish; or to have a life without trouble - I just want to get to a place where I feel like I am comfortable in all phases of my life. I don't feel like that is impossible - but the work thing has always been a bit more obtuse for me than it is for many. I can't find the path that leads me to that knowledge I need to get myself involved and engaged properly.

As I Lay Me Down To Sleep......

      I went to a writing lecture tonight....  pretty cool stuff. It just led to me thinking more and more....... I'm forty years old and trying to get my life to take off. Life can be a real pain in the ass sometimes. When I was 18 and just barely pulling myself to a high school diploma; all that talk of a "future" was so meaningless. I was broken. I was depressed. I had a goal to be dead by 30. Nothing I did then would ever matter.

      Look at me now.

      I have fought and clawed to vecome a success DESPITE myself. Bad relationship; mental breakdown; depression; poor choices - nothing ever stopped me. Somehow; I STILL found a way to have a six figure income for a few years. Had an amazing son. Have the wife of my dreams.

      Now I have to do the work I didn't do then to become something better now.

      I'm going back to school to get a degree. To matter (in the eyes of employers). I'm going to write a book. No matter ho succesful (or not) the book is; it will be like my love letter to yesterday. A sign that all those decisions DID matter - I could have made a much easier life for myself. I'm going to probably struggle through two years of semi-employment to get my degree; ready to take off once I attain it.

      IT's not always that easy.

      Mine is not a story we haven't all heard (or lived) before. I'm not regaling you with any deep philosophical bent we haven't all heard or read before. i'm just another guy who didn't do it early and is now trying to make it up on the back end. I hope I can succeed. I hope I have a path that leads to salvation - to a final sense of purpose and belonging. I want to be someone people are proud of for what they accomplished; not happy to know just because they are silly. I want to have a resume that FORCES an employer to call and learn more.

       I want to be a man my wife is proud to call heusband.

       The trail begins.....