And Now, In Your Main Event...

     It occurs to me that the action I consider "kissing ass" in my life is really just a press conference before big events. Self-congratulating, informative events that announce to everyone - especially those who would never know if not for a news outlet - exactly what will be presented when the time for action has arrived.

      'Selling oneself' is a talent that can be hard for some of us - at least me - and I just want my actions to speak louder than words. Archaic thought process, I know, but it really seems what I do would say everything about what i am capable doing. However, I can't change the system and am thus am responsible to learn how to play within it.

      I am currently interested in a promotion with my company, and the path to 'leveling up' goes through a process of selling managers on your accomplishments in place of them recognizing your hard work. This is the place we've found ourselves in - 'doing it' is secondary to proclaiming it. That's where I made the connection watching a live press conference just now. There's a wrestling event happening in Mexico in a few months, and as I watched (with no clue what was being said), a thought dawned on me that there fans would know what was coming, why go through the hassle of a 'presser'. To reach the average Joe, not to sell to the average fan. When I go to my managers and tell them about the strides I've been making, it feels dirty. Like a snake oil salesman. In my next attempt, I will try to frame it mentally as exposing one of them to parts of my day they don't know. Hopefully I won't feel so dirty.

       The process of growth can be uncomfortable, but is necessary in the evolution of the self. I will try to reframe my feeling on the process in order to reach the goal I am squared on until I reach it. Can that be so bad?

Don't Ask Me....

      When doing a thing has all the markings of being detrimental, it doesn't make sense to do so. In this way, not making sense itself makes sense. However, the compound of intelligence and impulse creates a pained idea that this thing can be done, i just have to come at it from the right angle. With desire thrown into the mix, it makes an unbearable fixation that must eventually be fed or replaced over time. I'm not very good at the "it's not meant to be" - like many before me I want a cake and a snack, but unlike others, my mind can't accept this fact and move on. Instead, I mentally keep nibbling at the edges of the cake until there is none left, and then I regret it leaving.

      I am always in some state of this mindset, but for the past few days it has been a matter of "should I stay or should I go now" (or next year, to be more precise). I found a job that I felt suited me well, but over the first five months, blemishes and frustrations have appeared (as they are wont to do) that have left me dreaming of a time past. Like that one ex that many feel "got away", time has left me with a much more understanding and positive image of my last career. While there were many good points, the negatives still lurk on the edges of my psyche.

      Do I stay where I am, making less money, but home every night? Do I take back to the road, leaving a "stable job" (the former "American Dream") to find more money (and many less weeks of work) to dedicate to school and my time at home? Which path leads to a more prominent future? What will stress my family more? Where does my desire fit in? My friends?

      A "normal" life?

Is This What Nostradamus Felt like?

      One of the driving forces of bipolar is the desire (and ability) to act from a place of pure desire in every moment. Life is always in the 'now', and the decision has no future and no past. It is an incredibly free existence, as long as your decisions have no downstream impact. However, it is easy to imagine how destructive it could be when other responsibilities (job, people, creditors, health) are negatively impacted by a spur of the moment decision. You cannot reason against the disease process, and the damage is found in the aftermath.

      However, recently I have had remote visions that have slipped into my conscience, the likes of which I ever clearly see. A pattern of events that likely would unfold from an impulse decision considered in the throes of a maniacal fit. Where I once only saw the direct moment - "if this, then that", I now have begun seeing a more lateral sequence of events. If I stay up late drinking and carousing, work tomorrow will be challenging (or I may not go in at all). If I buy this thing I don't need now, I will only have to work harder later on to compensate. 

      If I do something to make the wife uncomfortable or unhappy, I will only create unrest within myself in the long run.

      Even though logically I am always aware that actions have consequences, it is only over the past few years I have begun to craft the skill of stopping for a moment to visualize the complete solution. There are times the event is worth it (risking sleep to comfort a friend) and those it is not (closing down the bar with the kids because - I'll deal with the fallout tomorrow!). I'm not sure I would christen this 'maturity' as much as continuing to evolve as a human being and a partner. It feels great to preempt problems I only create myself.

      In action, I choose to take responsibility. In choosing not to act, I do the same. Every memory doesn't need my mark, every purchase doesn't make sense and sometimes the only right reasoning is to do nothing at all. Good things come to those who wait.... Great things come to those who wait for a self actualized goal. The choice to not act is still a choice I make, not a dictate handed down to me by circumstance. Accepting my role instead of playing victim makes all the difference in the world.

It Could Not Be Any Other Way

      The immersive allure of "what if" is such a masochstic siren's song. It draws us in with hope of a different past; the complete ideal of circumstances providing us all a new outcome. It is so easy to rationalize the universe/ fate/ Gid choosing the things that leave us wanting.

     It's a poison we have each acquired in an attempt to forego the consequences of the decisions we have made throughout life. Does life have different paths for us all to choose? Certainly. Could our choices have turned out an alternate finale? No. Things turned out the way they were intended. Even when we ponder different information that might have led to us choosing another way; there is no way we am truly say that things would have been any different. 

     As we head into this new year; go forward and make the choices you feel are right. There's no reason to honestly believe that we have any earthly idea what awaits us after. New Years resolutions will fall; life will succeed and fall; and in the end we will have only our instincts. Be true and don't fall for the island of doubt and misery people.... Let's do this!!