My Last Will and Test Of Man

 While not legally binding, it is certainly emotionally so:

To my wife, I love my undying impassioned thankfulness. If ever sadness should stop by, take any random moment - from front step forevers to subtle surprise silliness in so many forms. Leave my body behind, for now my self travels at your hip in essence.

To my boy, I leave the world - as best I could unravel it for you. Only remember what I have said, as you get older it will unveil its current mysteries to you. There are so easy lessons only time can explain. Beyond all, be the person you were meant to be, but understand the world does not owe you to concern itself or agree with your combinations.

To my friends, I leave devotion that has not passed (though I may have). I hope your moments with me were complete and full - all I ever sought was to make my presence make a difference. Deep conversations or midnight runs to wal-mart; for that moment I hope there was nowhere you'd rather be.

To those who knew me in passing, I can only assume I left you something. For just a moment, I showed you who I was - and then you were able to take that with you. If you only gave the experience one more thought than it required, then it was worthwhile.

To the world, I leave my words. Hope, overcoming, becoming, rationality. In a lifetime of civility, I have watched so many of these things ripped from our vocabulary - perverted into catchphrases and sarcasms. I will cheer from the sidelines that the equality that comes from Logic will find its way into the futures yet found.

To myself, I give the thanks of knowing I did all I could with this form. I encountered the efficacy of eternity, I remained true to experiencing as many different things as I could, I found the self-respect to have the strength to stay true to my word, and I loved - many ways and many days. I have no regrets. 

Oh, the Humanity! (Pride, Shame and the Bookends)

       I go to bed with a heavy heart tonight, after the events of this day. This was one of those days that, when you sit down to review at the end of the night, there are very powerful images and ideas sprinkled throughout the day. A time when the human condition can be defined and reviewed clearly.

     My eight year old son spent today, his birthday, in the hospital watching the specter that has become his grandmother wither away. In a classic drama trope, life and death met at the crossroads, leaving a drug addled woman to give the gift of one more smile for my son to remember her by. When all else fails us mentally in our final days, love has shown it can pull us back to the surface for one last visit, no matter how fleeting. It's a wonderfully romantic notion of love conquering all, but in the end it remains that my son will always have the memories and a personal fairy godmother to learn from, even in passing.

     In juxtaposition, I got into a tiff with the love of my life that boiled down to a battle of pride, will and a determination to be heard. On it's own, I am embarrassed - not for the emotions, but for betraying myself by wasting a single second in negativity in the limited time I have to share with my doll face. It never ceases to amaze me how human.... how PETTY..... I can become when my learned emotions of pride, selfishness, discontent rears it ugly head - a contentious Cerebus of who handed down to me by society. When framed with the reality of my sons day, I feel so tiny, a small animal fighting for a snack. Yet even this knowledge won't always be enough to curb my actions when my little pride is wounded again. Why do we do this to ourselves.... Teaching our children the ethos of self protection in place of self celebration? Must I have an ego merely to rejoice in my being on this planet? Sharing the best of all possible outcomes with my chosen one?

     I cannot do anything to go back and unlearn the habits that continue to hinder me. What I can do is try to learn new habits that will elevate me past them. It won't be easy, but not much in my life that I have gained is. I can be sure things will never be easy, I just have to feel sure they are worth it.

A cold chill in the air

A mind lost in a sea

Of darkness and absence

In a moment of clarity

A light lifts above 

The faded horizon,

A last glimpse of what was

But never will be again.

A reminder of self

Kept inward to avoid breaking

Rejoiced upon and shared

As the Archangel hovers.

We should not need to 

Be reminded

That we must not forget.

Take away the scenery 

And the self pronounced

Obligations,

In order to be alive

One must take the time

To live. 

The true sign of 

A life lived

Comes at the end,

With a death

That releases

Instead of ends.

Legends, Icons, People

     The world lost two great personalities in a matter of weeks, and I wanted to take a moment to provide my own memorial to these fallen warriors. I am a mark, and I am proud of that fact. In a world cloaked in stories and looked down upon even in current society, these men built careers and entertained people to a level where there names became world renowned and known to those passive fans that make up a large portion of wrestling's fan base, especially in a time where Pro Wrestling was still trying to pass itself off as legitimate, and people were emotionally invested in the doings of the hero and villains that graced the ring. In the past month we have lost one of each - "American Dream" Dusty Rhodes and "Rowdy" Roddy Piper.

       From my beginnings in the 1980's, when I obtained the pro wrestling bug, I was always fascinated by the guys who cut a great "promo", the strong talkers who could speak in a way that drew the audience in with emotions and intelligence beyond the standard "I'm going to whup your booty". Dusty was the emotional center of the wrestling landscape - a man who was "the common man" who embodied the feelings and desires of every fan in the crowd. They could relate to his words, they could relate to his physique and the fans could always life vicariously through his accomplishments. "The son of a plumber" became the saint of the middle class. Oh, how he could talk - telling stories of "Hard Times" and "Dining with Kings and Queens" - made the fans at home feel that he was the guy sitting next to them at the bar. An emotional connection with the fans for a man that never turned away from being the everyman.

     Roddy Piper was more bombastic, more intelligent and he was able to utilize his intellect to stimulate the emotions that made him the most hated man in the 1980's, and one of the most beloved throughout the next decade. His technique never changed - always a mix of mischief and malice - only his choice of opponent differed. His words inspired the emotions he sought from the crowd, and his maniacal energy created a man that - face or heel - always drew the fans attention to him and his endeavors. The "Rowdy Scot" always came to fight, and ultimately to entertain.

      Both of these men gave decades to the sport they loved, each incurring a laundry list of injuries and surgeries throughout their career. Rowdy Roddy ultimately required enough surgeries on his hip that he became practically immobile later in his career. Big Dust was never an adonis of any sort, but he always had the stamina and movement to go all night, and bleed buckets. The lines that shown on his scarred forehead were telling signs of the many times he "gigged" (cut his forehead with a blade) throughout his illustrious career - a testament to the bodily sacrifice he was willing to give to the people he stood for time after time. These are the reasons wrestlers are always offended with the viability of there craft is question - the result is predetermined but the injury and dangers are very real, and worthy of the people's respect. (John Stossel - hello!)

      Many days spent on the road and hotels of America were a sacrifice they were willing to give to be the athletes they had chosen to become. When studying the hierarchy of wrestling and how these men climb the ranks, there are many instances of courage and determination when traveling the independent scene for no money and experience to finally starting to establish a name. Not only are these athletes on par with any of the organized sports leagues, they have a more devastating annual demand that doesn't allow for healing and rest.

      I digress. These men were icons of the sport of pro wrestling, and they were people who dealt with all the same trials and tribulations of us all while living on the road and giving the fans and the business their bodies and souls. Unlike their peers who get the press for dying young, they made it to a point in life where they were past their career, but the strain of that career probably still them from us too young. Theirs were personalities that, within the brotherhood of the squared circle, will be deeply missed for their courage, their history and the respect they carried. Among the masses, their loss reminds us of so many great moments where they took us an emotional voyage that ended in our 'coronation' in their success and leaves us remembering a different time for us all. So long gentlemen - thank you for a lifetime of wonder and empowerment.

Is Dying Real Enough For You?

     For the many out there who are unaware, Pedro Aguayo Ramirez passed from this mortal coil on Saturday night. Not ringing any bells? For many, it will not - even though he was remarkably famous in his home country of Mexico. He was a Lucha Libre star in the AAA promotion, who broke into the sport at 15 and has spent the last 20 years living up to his legandary father's legacy of entertaining the fans of Lucha. I don't claim to be a fan, or to know a lot of his work - most of what I have seen is from AAA events on Youtube - many of which were in Spanish and I never knkew what the storyline wa. Still, I enjoyed watching him work and tell the story in the ring. I say this to say I'm not a mark, my sorrow is not at the loss of a great ring veteran. I am sorry that a 35 year old man died doing something that I have seen wrestler's do thousands of times in my life and the horror of the other stars who shared the ring with him. Also, that he died doing a SPORT he loved while pious people look down there nose at on a daily basis. Godspeed, and thank you.

     On the idea of "sport", in a world where Gymnasts and Ice Skaters do "routines" in the Olympics as "sport", how is it wrestler's who put their lives and health on the line each night perfoming amazing moves and telling a 20 minute story (routine), how can you consider it any less than sport? Two individuals creating a "dance" of story and action that leads to the delight of millions..... is it the predetermined outcome? Boxing, anyone? No, I feel a lot of the disrespect that taints wrestling comes from it's Carnie beginnings, the southern taste of it in the 80's  - but the phrases and mythical characters still cast a large shadow on popular culture. The Rock says, I AM the tooth fairy! I am, and always will be, a proud wrestling fan.
     Additionally, as I watched the video of this match, the age old "you never know how long you have" popped into my head. As cliche as this statement has become to those who tend to share bubble gum psychology, in this case it is a haunting reminder of truth. As I mentioned earlier, the move that caused this is a staple of modern wrestling - it was either a botched Hurracanrana or a low dropkick and being bounced towards the ring rope. If you have ever watched a single Lucha or cruiserweight match, you have seent these moves tons of times. In this one case, with one bad moment, it cost a man his life. Consider things you do on a weekly basis that pas by ith no more than a whisper in our daily lives. At work. Behind the wheel of a car.In the home. No matter the amount of care, the outcome of this match was probably unavoidable. Just think about the things that bother you and consider if they are enough to waste hours or days of your life stressing. I am sure Pedro had no reason to believe 35 would be his swan song. Don't leave you life in regret.
     Lastly, it's time to truly consider what wrestler's put themselves through for our entertainment. These are stars that deserve the adulation we pile on sports starts that are much less endangered or deserving. From the Wrestler's point of view, what is with the drastic change in the sport over the years? I loved my ECW, I love Ring of Honor, I enjoy Lucha - but as I was listening to a podcast with none other than old time 'rasslin "enhancement talent" George South, he made a comment about how few injured necks were being done in the 80's; and the proliferation of injuries to major joints and body parts in the modern sport. I am certain everyone involved is aware of the risks, but is there no middle ground? Does every match need to put the entertainer on the edge of extinction? I don't pretend to know the answers, but when a veteran speaks I think it makes sense for us all to sit up and take notice. A legacy of broken bodies is not one that any of us "smart marks" want to have in the future.

Write Now....

     I have a thing for punny song titles......

     Dollface, this one might be tough for you to read; so perhaps you should not...

     Right now, I am with my Darling one over Mom's house doing relaxing. The family thing; even. It's such wonderfully boring beauty..... nothing missing. Nothing wasted. If I were to die right now; I would walk (Float? Shuffle? Waltz?) into the After Life with a huge smile on my face. I have reached that dutiful NIrvana that an only be found with the right person at the right point in life. The unventful everything that makes the most simple moment complete. It's one thing to accept death as inevitable; it's another to accept the life you have has reached the place where Death is not a fear - because you have seen the horizon. Or the Blinky Lights of Techno Strip clubbing. Or the gentle train through the Redwoods on a brisk Autumn day. 

     A look to my love makes me feel.... complete. Peaceful. Thankful. Thanksgiving is among us; and my bevy of thanks grows exponentially - Wife, friends, life events. I look forward to standing in front of my loved ones and thanking each of them for blessing me with their company and their loyalty. All too often it is lost in daily movement to just stop a minute and say thanks to those we love - just because they love us and support us so well doesn't minimize the desire to acknowledge their gifts.

      There was a time in the distant past when I wondered if anyone would attend my funeral when I died. For many years, I imagined a lonesome event where no one would notice or mourn my passing. A casket of one on a dim day under clouse with no one to identify that i had existed at all. I still can't imagine a parade of sentiment; but at long last I can imagine that I would have at least a baseball team's worth of send off. It's a lovely distinction; a sign of how far I have come - and the people I choose to associate with. Thank you all. 

Should I Dress in Black?

     I was reading in one of my books recently and it gave a scenario about using meditation to combat depression. The particular scenario was about loss and how many severe depressants get to a place where they feel they are no longer needed/ wanted. It was a very interesting read; but at the time I was not in the place to meditate on it. Then....

     Today when I was flying home; at one point I was asleep and I felt as if I were falling. After about 30 seconds of this feeling; I awoke to a feeling the plane was ACTUALLY falling. My immediate thought was that we were crashing and I found myself internally in a panic. My life didn't race before my eyes - or anything so cliche. My first thought was to my love and how she would feel - the second thought I had was to a saying from a Sandman comic - "Sometimes, when you fall, you wake up. And sometimes when you fall, you die. But there is a third option....." The Captain came on the intercom to apologize; but that we were experiencing massive turbulence that caused us to "Suddenly" lower our altitude for safety. "..... sometimes when you fall; you FLY." A noticeable relief was seen throughout the cabin; and I removed my heart from my throat and gave a gentle "My Love" to the atmosphere to let my Hummingbird know I was okay.Crisis averted; my adrenaline dropped and my mind started to realize that - for the first time in my life - I was afraid of dying. I have never feared the reaper before - Death was just a "deadline" (pun intended) to our work here on Earth. At long last I have found something that is worth wanting to keep the Reaper at bay for a long, long time. I love you, My One.

     After that thought, it occurred to me what I had read a few days ago. Even though my mind was a bit on the arcane side; I decided to give it a whirl. The object was to picture a world without me in it - How would my tombstone read? How would people be affected - my love, my friends, my mom, my coworkers? Who would actually attend my final performance. (It's so tempting to put "live" in there...) How would I be remembered? By whom? 

     A shocked and fearful mind is not the places for such queries; and without giving too much away - my results weren't exactly powerful. There was a gentle undertone of mostly malaise and apathy; my tombstone basically read - "OOPS!" (That would be CHARMING!) and I could only imagine a handful of people who would attend my last Earthly moments. Was it accurate? Who knows? I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon; I have finally lived long enough - to begin. The point of all this was just that - you never know. I won't be one of these doofuses that says our time is short - it takes 38 years to make a 38 year old. There are no variables on that. I will say that you never know if you are going to get all 38 of those years. I've been told by others i'm overprotective; while for myself I'm generally more lose and free. Today made me really think about this - I want my One to stay safe so I may have her for my lifetime - I suppose it is to me to do the same for her. A lot of powerful and meaningful concepts are coming clear to me under the scope of loves light. To quote the Ramones, "I Wanna Live". I have found someone who completes me. I have found a life's purpose. I have realized someone who makes me feel; makes me accountable makes me...... human. I bleed, I cry, I fear, I love, I Laugh Out Loud. I am.

     I cannot say it enough......

     YOU are my miracle.