You Can Go Home Again

       It just won't be the same home you remember. I am reminded of Ancient Greek philosopher Hericlitis when he said that, "You can never step in the same river twice". That is true both from the perspective of a changing self (I am not the same man or experiences who left four years ago), as well as the ever changing landscapes of our 'hometowns'. There is so much familiarity in the overarching basics, but subtle changes are still a tad surprising and curious. It feels like what you remember, but your memory points out the subtle nuances to remind us it isn't.

      Friendships can be like this as well. As you move through time, many of the original interests shared become less vital as we mature and take our relationships into new ground as we discover it. Jobs, marriage, housing, politics, religion and even sports can be surpassed. If both friends are in tune enough to make the move, it can create a whole new playbox for them to create new castles and share.  If not, then you get those friendships that feel hollow when two people are together - the faces and the words are the same, but the passion for growing and becoming together can feel stilted over crab cakes and another annual meeting to discuss where everyone at work (or school or any social club) has done in the meantime. It's a theatre of the absurd for the delight of no one - a cause in reconciliation just because one party doesn't want to say, "It's enough. Let's leave with the good memories in tact".

     In both cases it's the subtle obligation to appreciate - much like visiting a funeral  or a dying relative. That sense of obligation without desire; a familiarity that feels appropriate if not desired. So many of us caught up in trying to horde those things that made us what we 'are', all while we change before our very own eyes. Like disco music and "Ice, Ice Baby", these environments stir our emotions and transport us to another time; another place - where our memories tell us were simpler; more 'us' (as long as no one else finds out). A friendship should be a commitment to understanding and accepting; not an obligation "for old times sake". People can be a part of our life for a time or throughout time, and we mustn't be afraid to let them be - while always being on guard to help if the time requires it.

My Last Will and Test Of Man

 While not legally binding, it is certainly emotionally so:

To my wife, I love my undying impassioned thankfulness. If ever sadness should stop by, take any random moment - from front step forevers to subtle surprise silliness in so many forms. Leave my body behind, for now my self travels at your hip in essence.

To my boy, I leave the world - as best I could unravel it for you. Only remember what I have said, as you get older it will unveil its current mysteries to you. There are so easy lessons only time can explain. Beyond all, be the person you were meant to be, but understand the world does not owe you to concern itself or agree with your combinations.

To my friends, I leave devotion that has not passed (though I may have). I hope your moments with me were complete and full - all I ever sought was to make my presence make a difference. Deep conversations or midnight runs to wal-mart; for that moment I hope there was nowhere you'd rather be.

To those who knew me in passing, I can only assume I left you something. For just a moment, I showed you who I was - and then you were able to take that with you. If you only gave the experience one more thought than it required, then it was worthwhile.

To the world, I leave my words. Hope, overcoming, becoming, rationality. In a lifetime of civility, I have watched so many of these things ripped from our vocabulary - perverted into catchphrases and sarcasms. I will cheer from the sidelines that the equality that comes from Logic will find its way into the futures yet found.

To myself, I give the thanks of knowing I did all I could with this form. I encountered the efficacy of eternity, I remained true to experiencing as many different things as I could, I found the self-respect to have the strength to stay true to my word, and I loved - many ways and many days. I have no regrets. 

A Novel Concept

     A world where people are free to find true love. People are built to live out "ever after". Friends to be relied on; a society of kindness and prosperity. What a book it would be! The twist ending - there's no dark underbelly! And if you provide someone the reason to do so, you can actually live the dream....

Don't Stare At It Too Hard

The morning sky hangs damp, heavy and gray...

     It is a desire many of us have - the desire to watch a young life form before us. It burns within us, the sight of a giggling baby is enough to make us covet in a way unhealthy. A void created where none was needed; a new trophy that morphed into a purpose. Craving ensue.

When the spectacular sunlight serates the sullen sky...

      Then you have one - a son or daughter; nephew or niece; best friends baby or a neighbor. You warmest this little creature that was once so limited sprouting into greater tomorrow's: milestones mounted; logical lessons and the hope of honor. Like any of our creations, we subconsciously plant a sliver of us into them in an attempt to relive our youth. Make things better this time.

When once more the mists rise to provide a depressant...

     But it can be so hard. If child rearing was the stock market, we would never escape our Great Depression. For every eventual success, there are a thousand time of frustration and fear that seep into the joists of your mind. What if he never learns to hold a fork? Did my parents tell me how to open a soda can a thousand times? In watching them grow, we step back every time and feel a little of how they are feeling staring at this dominant figure in the sky.

And yet, the light shines through in the lavender light display...

     Every victory is compared against your own milestones. You just pray every night that you can shove enough knowledge into them that they are thrust upon the world equipped.just once before you die, you want them to look at you and say, "I see why you taught me not to lie. I'm happy. Thank you for raising me.

The night falls, and things that are now gone still linger and are not forgotten...

How Can I Love You More?

I've given you everything I have to offer

My personality; my adoration; my honesty

You've promised me your nineties

In return for my unwavering commitment

We all have ghosts in the emotional machine

But the point of coupling is in a "couple".

I've left my dark in the distant abyss

Shown you my flaws and my shortcomings

In my own search for your eternal companionship.

The hardest part of discovering a dream

Is the devastation left in its chaotic chasm.

I'm not a base societal machination

Taught how to push the buttons for success

I am a defunct automaton of avarice

Who found in you a land where I could revive

Loving without shame and remorse

A festive pinnacle of individuality unchained.

Turn away from the norms of 'civility'

And join me in the path least traveled -

Love me without regard or regret.

I will hand you a butterfly from within

A sentient sunbeam of my intentions.

I can't love you any more than I do in action

So please do whatever it takes to meet me at the end.

The Alpha and the Omega

     He's nine ears old, but I still have to look in on him each night. The day he was born, I understood what it meant to give myself over to someone, much like the Knights long passed. As I held him in my arms at 6:15 in the morning after three hours sleep, I could only whisper, "I will do anything to give you a better life than I've had." His coos met with misty memories. A creation well made.

     She's two years my wife, but I still kiss her when I crawl in beside her each night. The day we got to know one another, I was ready to give myself to this woman, much like... (You know - date stuff!) As I held her in my arms (to her surprise), I could only tell her, "I will not betray you - this was more than friends". Her visage causing blurred vision. A wife well met.