Bipolar Paradise

     What an amazing weekend I just had in the land of sin, palm trees and artificial turf (a sin in its own right). Parading the strip and experiencing so many great things that "ordinary life" doesn't offer. If you have never been to Las Vegas- let me give you a verbal tour. 

     The first thing you notice about Vegas is the hotels. There are so many of them, but many are owned by the same conglomerates. Even so, each architectural truimph holds its own unique majesty from the outside. Once inside, they turn up the creative dial to offer you visually appealing and interesting decor that shows that no expense was spared in the creation of this as adult wonderland. Eveything you see - from the many lights to decoration pieces to the design of the clubs to the walkways through the casino is designed to titilate and awe you. Constant movement, constant variety, constant sound.

     The next thing you notice is the strip itself - everywhere you go there are speakers pumping a soundtrack for you - how peculiar. It's almost like the whole city is just an enormous club in the middle of the desert.

     It is.

     As you traverse the strip, you get the feeling that "sin city" is more like "vice city". (Not the game!) Smokers still wander around proudly puffing their way to cancer, people are wondering the streets with 60 oz liqour containers of their favorite libations - tripping and stumbling their way through the night (and days), more (and more horrible) food options than you can imagine, the occasional smell of 420 and the sex cards advertising all the "private dances" you can imagine. Did I mention there is also occasionally a gambling spot? Starting in the AIRPORT. This is a town built on satisfying your every desire (or FANTASY, as it were) within a few mile long stretch of buildings. You have the nightclubs (that may as well be raves) that you have seen on many movies and thought, "I want to be THERE." Strip clubs that dwarf your home by comparison. People who exist only to wait on you hand and foot as the actors in this mad debaucherous dynasty. Shows for every taste and variety. Heck, there's even an attraction that is just "old vegas" kept in tact with new Vegas out there; on the horizon. If one can go to Vegas and stay in their motel room; they either have a heroin addiction or the strength of Job. Also, they are costing themselves one of the greatest times of their life.

     Just do it, people. I love this place and can't wait to return!

Why DO They Teach Spanish in the Midwest?

         As an East Coast transplant, I marvel on a daily basis at my new community here in my (now) home, San Francisco. Virginia was home - comfortable, quaint, always "just what you would expect". Hurricane season comes every September; tourist season each summer; the trees, the beach, the rain. For years, I had fantisized about moving to the magical land that was California. Bright sun, beautiful people, Christmas in shorts. My mindset was a bit of an anamoly, as many on the east coast (and midwest) have this interpretation that "Cali" is a state of choatic sex fiends who party on into that grand disaster of the next great earthquake that sends us floating into the sea. Additional to the unicorns I had expected on my arrival, there are so many other things you can never explain and appreciate until you have had the luxury of living here. Things like:

The History

       Coming from Virginia (the birthplace of the American colonies), there is this feeling of nostalgia and an anachronistic spirit when passing by places like Williamsburg, Jamestown, Yorktown, Washington D.C. - so many of the places that people only have the opportunity to read about in textbooks growing up - are a part of the direct landscape. However, in San Francisco (home....), it offers amazing statements that define the timeline of this country. Haight-Ashbury. Alcatraz. The Golden Gate Bridge(!). Fillmore Street. Heck, a President even died here! (Harding, for those who didn't know. Who knew?) When looked at on a political scale, San Francisco is often looked at as the antagonistic "Queer Confederacy" by much of the nation, but I have seen so much more than that within the confines of it's marvelous buildings and high rises. Speaking of which.....

The People

        California is a place of great personal acceptance and freedom. Certainly, things like manners and personal exchanges are different out here than what I am used to from my roots. Where people out east knew everyone on their street and said "excuse me" in passing, people out here don't offer these comforts - due to a feeling of "we are all just moving along with our time together", not from a place of being rude. People of all sexual, ethnic, religous and personal persuasions find the laissez-faire attitude offered here to fit the needs of a burgeoning petri dish of creativity and self-discovery. Google. Yahoo. Facebook. There is very little "wrong" to be had here; it is more varying shades of grey. (Not the movie - that's in Seattle, I believe)

The Culture

        The incredible amount of variety in the people is equal parts breathtaking, mind blowing and intimidating. You cannot leave your house and venture out into the City without running across many different dialects, languages and styles of people in each interaction. I never missed my diverse collection of "neighbors" when I was growing up somewhere that was considerably more milquetoast and rigidly defined. Having now truly waded into the "melting pot" that Americans so often wear as our badge (and statement) of honor, I can tell you that being without these comforts last month was unusual and felt a bit like my days were missing something passive yet imperative. Learning just enough words to follow conversations in Spanish, French and maintaining my English is part of a greater whole - a grander version of myself.

      There is great comfort in living places where days all blend together - a sense of moving along without really having to consider what is to come next or what impact your presence might be able to create. I would never be able to convince a large majority of people in these places about how much more alive a place like California feels. If you are a person who (like me) seeks to grow as a person and be exhilarated by things you never knew were available - find your way to "the big city". It's never going to be easy, but no experience in this great nation of ours is a simply and profoundly moving as being in a place where the only sure thing is that there is always another option.

       California - Like this; but no guns. :(

Your Life Is the Definition of Insanity (If)

       It has steadily occured to me lately how many people "wish" (desire) something that is missing from their life. Be it a job, a loving relationship, a change in the people around them or even just a change in their circumstances; we live in a time where if we don't have the (perceived) American Dream (that many have bastardized and mocked), we are lacking. As people, we have not acheived on the same scale as others we know of or have seen in their mightiest light. It frustrates me because the power for many things rest on the shoulders of the individual, but many are looking for cosmic (divine?) intervention to set things right; for these dreamers are deserving of a better fate.

      In a time where many of our desires are possible and within our control with an internet connection and a modicum of desire: fame, art, love, jobs, sex changes, information (being turned into a newt is still not an option - but you could check with John Cleese) - so many of us are left wanting. Why?

      Many are not willing to truly do what it takes to gain their desire; even though it is within our grasp to do so.

      Let's take love, for example. I found myself talking to a young lady I have known for years when she mentioned how she wished she could find someone like I had found someone. She is also a national traveler, as our job allows for. I found my One on the road of work and life - why couldn't this young lady? I told her point blank, "Your man is out there, but he is not just going to be hanging out in your hotel room." She laughed, and the conversation continued on, but the key to everything was right there. In order to find what we want, we have to pursue it into uncomfortable situations, we have to want it bad enough to flex our current lifestyle, we have to make it a priority. Even those who seek something basic and fixed like contentment will have to be tested. Monks spend years training their minds to find "inner peace". (Not as long for us "Kung Fu Pandas") You can't just declare a desire for inner peace and passively back into Nirvana. Yet that is how we treat these things. I do not speak from a place of not knowing- I spent 13 years becrying my fate until the day I stood and changed. Even when bad things in life occur - when someone else's intent injures us, it is ultimately going to be up to us to find a way to let it go. Short of a lobotomy or medication; we posses the power internally (and the right universally) to choose another line of thought. It is never going to be easy. Yet wouldn't it be worth it to chase yourself into gleee rather than rest in horror? Another decision I had to make in my lifetime....

     The only way this idea doesn't succeed is when it is aimed at others who aren't willing or care to change. 

     "I wish he would notice me."

     "I want her to respect me."

     "I worry about his anger."

     "I want her to love me."

      This is not within our sphere of influence to change. We can ask, beg, ajole, jeer, whine, threaten - but this is where someone else's desires matter more than yours. If both of you care enough and can match them up; great! However, if this has become a desire, more than likely the attempt has been made and ignored. Not to say people don't change, certainly one can keep trying. However, you owe it to yourself (and the other person) to look realistically at what your asking and if they are capable. Or worth it. If you decide not, then you have to ask if you can change how you feel. If not, then another reposibility of being true to your self and your desire is not to pervert it to make it fit the construct you have before you - keep searching until you find someone who is worth it. If you want a companion who is funny, smart, attractive and a Gemini; then don't drop the first three criteria after the first Gemini you come across. It sounds silly, but we as a society do that all the time. 

       "My job would be great, except....."

       "He's everything I ever wanted, but....."

       "I really liked this car, until....."

       On the flip side, if you find someone who is funny smart and attractive; maybe you decide they are everything you want despite the fact they are a Virgo. (Go Virgo!) If you aren't that into Astrology, then that could be a winner. So many failures in our lives come from settling for things rather than continuing to pursue our dreams. Some times you have to settle - dreams ain't going to pay the bills. My libido doesn't just dissipate because it has no outlet. In these cases, take what you have before you (If you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with!) but continue the search. Don't proclaim your undying love to a booty call. Don't go to college to learn the best way to run a fryalator. Do wht you must to reach where you dream. Evolve, and don't settle into the comfort zone of "better than nothing". Appreciate the gift of discomfort - you are a learning, living, logical human being striving for your own inner peace. Nirvana.

       Define your self. Then become it!

 

That Which Does Not Kill.....

       Today, I was given many reminders about how much we all tend to defend the things that matter to us and not allow them to be associated with what we deem "lesser" things - even when the parrallel is striking. It is well known that our emotions can tinge our perceptions, but it is still startling how much many of us are willing to sacrifice a logical parrallel for the sake of holding our ideal "above" things we don't particularly care for.

       The sad part goes back to a continual theme for me - that which can build can also destroy. These lines between two points could be used as a way to change our perceptions and gain a greater appreciation for the  "offending" ideal, but so often it is the trap door that we use to make the concept seem illegitimate. As a species, we have a disposition to create so many negative opinions about so many topics - but why? TO be like family and friends? Ego? An acceptance of our community standards with no thought of our own? Dismissing things out of hand is easy enough to do, but it plays a large part in why we are all so limited in our perceptions and stages of "becoming". I have learned in my time to choose another way - there are only a handful of things that I refuse to take any part in (outside of clearly dangerous ones) based on an opinion. Even my own opinion. Things I would never have imagined as a young man that I would take part in. I have learned to cook. I have learned to drink. I know how to do hair. I have danced! (Albeit not much. Try things; always be cognizant of your limitations. Blind confidence is a disaster looking for a place to happen.) I watch BBC shows (a definite coming of....... age?) If it does not hurt or offend, I do not see the reason to disavow myself of it. If for no other reason, the experience gives me another set of skills, ideas or moments I can reflect on, share or even fall in love with doing. I like to cook (For that special someone). I like doing hair. MOre importantly, I like trying to be the example to get others to open their minds and taste as many of the worlds pleasures (in action) as possible. One never knows what gifts the unknown holds for us....     

Yesterday, Upon the Stair.....

       Overheard in a conversation today during my (brief) excursion through the hallways:

       "Do you regret it?"

       It is such a simple question; but with an enormously profound meaning. Regret has never been my thing, maybe because I am generally saddened due to my condition before any life event. Besides which, I never have a sense of remorse because - if I get a sense that something will not be good for me - I don't do it. Even in those times where things don't pan out I don't regret - I may lament for a few moments and then move on. Can't change the facts. My trip out here is a great example. I felt before I left that coming out here wouldn't benefit me in a larger way. Since I have been here it has been tedious, I'm tired, I've been sick, caught in a snow storm and generally not done a ton of things. However, I did get to hang with my Bro and make some money. I suppose I don't feel the need to regret because I always find some facet of the given topic to glean knowledge from. Nothing was damaged long term; and I manipulated the circumstances I had before me to make things as enjoyable and beneficial as possible; while staying true to the "me" of me. There are many philosophies on regret; but the one I will stand by is regret is an emotion of victimization. Even if you blame yourself; that makes your past the aggressor and the present a victim. What point does that serve?

     Additionally, much like the mythological Phoenix, I have been birthed today through all of the horrors that left me a pile of ash in my past. Do I wish for the pain and suffering I had to endure to get to where I am today? No, I'm not a masochist. Do I appreciate things more and enjoy the simple parts of life more having lost everything (mind included)? Totally. Every time I accomplish a feat; find a new joy or experience a new event - at some point I reflect later on how things once were. Not how things "could have been", for there are a million roads I might have traveled instead. I can see where I was and it helps me to appreciate the present and what I have in this day. So many stay focused on regretting the past or fearing betrayals in the future to just rest in the present moment in peace. I may be naive, but rarely do I feel like people set OUT to hurt us; along the way agendas are formed and the natural byproduct of self actualization causes one person to momentarily lose sight of who is standing before them.Even through all of my heartache and suffering on this planet, I still believe in love. Giving myself over to another with no strings; no protections. I didn't fail. I hurt occasionally; but don't we all? I learned. I've grown. I'm a better person today for all the things I have become in love.... I am becoming. Will I ever become transcendent? How would I even know - what is there to compare it to? Much like everything else, everyone's powerful form is unique to them. All I can say is that in this day, I come in peace and feel I am the best self I can offer. Whenever you encounter me; you can be sure that I am what I portray - from the deepest part of me.
     
      I don't know many of you who read this every day. I only hope that my diatribes offer you some insight into other ways to handle this existence we all live. You are going to hurt; as REM once said - "Everybody hurts..... sometimes". Just make sure to feel every kiss; glow in the sun and cheer for every touchdown. Let joy overwhelm you...... sometimes.

Snow Dazed (Revenge of the Wet, White Blanket)

      So, I am still here in the SouthEast where the winter has decided to sock us with some of Mother Nature's frozen tears. How unfortunate..... I was hoping to fly out of here this weekend; but with the weather in this condition, at best I will be delayed; at worst flights will be canceled altogether. This is one of the unfortunate side effects of my job as a jester in the traveling circus, and a strong contributor to my decision of retiring from the road. The cold weather has made me sick and agoraphobic to boot; so I am hold up in the Marriott's generically warm corridors. (That wasn't SUPPOSED to sound naughty!) The service people here all know me by name and the wait staff knows my order upon entering the restaurant. While it is nice to have the "Norm" (where everybody knows your name....) effect with the staff; it is also a bit harrowing at times. Sometimes I don't want to take my Beats (C) off (more puns!) to converse with you; I just want to wander by as another face in the crowd. Part of the payment for an enjoyable Manic persona is the need to be always on; which can be incredibly exhausting when I am in a down mood. Cold weather bums me out; what can I say?
      I have, however, had some amazing adventures (and sorrowful reminders) handed to me here in Raleigh. It's a sad state of affairs when, in the current societal construct, being genuine and relatable garners contempt and scrutiny. Every kind word looked at as an attempt at flattery; every decent gesture is a reason to manipulate; being different does not allow you the right to act different without a wary eye. Sure, I can be a skeptic as much as the next guy, but I also take the moment to look upon the person in front of me in their individual glory and give them the chance to prove me wrong. Everyone wants to talk about racism, but the mistrust we have for each other as a nation is so far beyond only that. Sex. Religion. Financial realities. Segment of the nation. Hell, the more someone likes you, the more likely they are to treat you with indignation to avoid being taken advantage of (by someone who has never shown them reason for worry). Yet it is lamented time and again, "Where have all the good ones gone??" We are all right here, looking on with bemusement at some points; sorrow at others. If the person is worthy of it; we wait, seek to convince by proof that we are worthy of the next 60 years of their life. If not, we shake our heads at the prospect of a lifelong friend lost to immediate "security". It can't be shown enough in a life cycle - if you don't chance anything; the view from your seat never changes. If you want to live a life with memory, experience and passion; you have to be willing to hurt in order to sit across from the person who will help you trudge through the mud of this world to reach the scarlet forest. My sorrow is not for me; I have the best friends a man can ask. My sorrow is for you and knowing that we could have written a chapter in the book of fun..... the book everyone loves to read (or hear). Another set of faces pass me by, blinders firmly affixed, to continue their pursuit of the mystical friendship they won't allow for. An openness that resides just a step away - but the step into vulnerability is a large one.
     I have also again realized the undervalued currency that is time in my stay out east. The three hour difference from home (and my body clock!), the two hour difference from my University and the (almost) unbearable conundrum of sports that last until 10pm when I wake up at 5am every morning. Trying to balance all the things I need to do in a weeks time (and things I want to do!) is such a burden when I have to consider all the different time zones I am currently indebted to. On a positive note, my West Coast clock did allow me and my brother to shut down the club at 5am. That one is a bucket list item for sure! You haven't lived a full life until You have left at 5am to head to Denny's - with 4 hours sleep in 48. I wouldn't advise it to everyone; or every week; but just once.....  
     My time grows near. I left my heart in San Francisco, and it is time for me to welcome its return. There are parts of my trip I will take with me in sentimental shards, but I again am reminded of the beauty and wonder of home. I go home with a stronger purpose and appreciation of the place and people I love the most. Fire up the BrettMobile!

Strippers Say the Darndest Things!

A wraith sliding quickly, Against a background of darkness And spotlighted mayhem; Circling as a vulture Your prey in my grasp. With a "hello", the dance begins. A common occurrence in a Place of some ill repute, The beginning steps the same. Then, they rhythm changes You take me on a journey Of stars and ideals and wonder I join you in this quest, Willing participant to Philosophy in a place Of perpetuated perversion. Your eyes ask, "What are you doing here?" My actions respond, "Touche'". Your chair inches closer Captivated by my forethought Not by the usual finances. Sharing stories and ideas Our rhythm keeps you close Lost in who we are Not where we are A hawk glides in to Remind you that you have An offering to provide. "Go get your sacrifice," I say to you certainly. I will wait here. With a glance backward, A tender sadness crosses Your jaded visage. Fading into the shrouded chaos; A darkened Angel. Not one who fell to Earth, But one who takes this place Of sin and servitude And raises it to another plane; Another ideal; Another fantastic adventure.