There's a Light after Darkness.....

       So this weekend gave way to a litany of varying emotions - and my girlfiancee' and my had our first true disagreement. At points I snapped at her; at points she cried; at points we both worried what damage we may have caused our relationship - and at the end we said all we had to say and we were better for it. It wasn't easy though.... the "watershed moment" came at 5 this morning when I was supposed to be leaving for the airport and my love was crying because she believed I didn't want to come home next weekend - that I was deserting her. I had a choice - climb in the car and report to work to avoid problem; the "responsible" option. OR what I did - I sent the driver away with apologies - rebooked my flight - and sat down with the single most important decision and most important individual in my life. I may lose a job, money, clothes - but those things can be replaced. The woman I have searched my whole life for - the woman I have spent 11 months building one of the greatest things in the history of EVER - she needed me and THAT was my priority. I know (oh Lord, HOW I know) that logic flies in the face of "acceptable society" - where people sacrifice everything for the bottom dollar and career advancement. I have always placed my onus of individual growth on my personal relationships. You have to be willing to sacrifice - to give extra effort - be willing to lose EVERYTHING to keep the person you are with. The payoff in the long run is always more fulfilling and meaningful - not many great stories came from being me team lead at the local grocer. And the only people who will ultimately matter are those who surround you on your deathbed.

     That's not to say I HAVEN'T been successful in my work life - Almost despite myself I make a darn good living that allows me to explore the country. I suppose the lesson is that as long as you stay true to yourself; things have a way of finding their place. Well, that and that sometimes its better to be lucky than good. :)  I have the intelligence that I can do anything - and I have used my skills to do just that. I didn't need a degree and I didn't have to kiss butt or give my life over to a company. I just learned what I could and when I show up - I make myself noticeable and relevant. However, I will call out in a moment to satisfy the woman I love.

     Part of that of course is a testament to my bipolar condition - impulsiveness and making decisions without the benefit of considering consequence. As well as I have done - I could have been so much further in certain areas if I made just one different decision here or there. There's always a trade off - and my first authority is always my self - regardless of whether the wiring is frayed or the machine is broken. I ultimately have to believe that my internal wiring is enough to get me the things I need and want. So, it continues.

     Next weekend, I WILL be at my loves side...... she has an appointment to go get pampered and get some of the alone time she desires..... and our nights will be spent alongside one another in continual coupling bliss. In less than 6 weeks; I will ask her to marry me and we will continue moving towards our final declaration of our life spent together - no more questions; no more qualms. I've told her many times - I cannot imagine not being able to wake up each day and talk to her - see her face - feel her smile. That is the best definition of love I possess....

The Downside of Conscience

     Whenever I do something that isn't exactly right in my relationship; I feel as if I have betrayed my significant other - as if everything I have done right in the past can be wiped out in this one moment of imperfection. It's a illogical ideal - but I want so badly to do everything just right. I have spent so much of my life just going through the motions - just getting by and not giving a damn - but I have finally matured to the point that things DO matter and I want to give my all - True love has caused me to bloom; to grow; to become what I was meant to be. With it; however, comes the driving force to always want to do right - the spectre that what has been given can be taken away should my humanity intrude. Ah, bipolar at its absolute finest. Where is the in between - the belief that I won't lose this woman and the alternative need to be aware and give my all? It is often explained to me that the fact I even TRY to give my all is the reason I have this - but the fact that my results are generally for the best cannot hurt either. I find it impossible to accept my virtues..... While being able to trumpet my every failing. I am the perfect antithesis to so many people..... and its a burden in that sense. I wish I could see what I do well as clearly as I see my shortcomings.

      As such, I cannot discount that I do have a great many people who do enjoy me - and a select few that truly love me. The close ones are all amazing people - so in some way I have to imagine they wouldn't "slum it" by associating or getting close to a loser. This may not be the most resounding all to arms for self satisfaction ever - but its the best I can generally muster. I will never be confused with arrogant - but I am self deprecating to the point of irritation for those that love me. It's not a matter of self worth - I am what I am. There is no scale for me there. It becomes a matter of understanding - understanding that I am at times just going to need the verbal pick me up I never received before. Is it fair to place that burden on others? Perhaps not. I'm not trying to be unjust - but all the things I do for people comes with the price of letting me KNOW how much it means to you. Where is the harm in that?

     Of course, that said; who am I to ask that? Ask anything? Why isn't it just enough that I do it? At the end of the day; I want what I have always wanted - I want it to MATTER that I lived. I want each life I touch deeply to have one moment where all that can be said is..... "Brett was here". Not in a pompous manner - Just as a validation that knowing me was beneficial to you. It again raises a question of whether it's right to place that on another persons shoulders - but what can I say but....

"I am what I am"? 

Hey, what's in this box in the Corner?

Well, It has been quite some time and I have rediscovered this little gem of a blog o' mine. Alot has happened since last I posted - here are the cliff notes - - I continue my battle with manic depression. As I will for life. But I have at last found a reason to rely on my meds.... - That reason is the love of my life. We have been together 11 months; and I have never felt so fully and absolutely in love.... - We went to Europe together for 3 weeks.... and came out stronger. My first time off American soil and it was all amazing.... - I am less than a month from finalizing my divorce. The ex has been less than accommodating - but I have come to found out SHE lost her missing piece - I found mine - All previous relationships/ womanizing/ searches have long been put away. The first night I met my love; I knew she was the one..... and I was right. So, where does that leave my blog? Somewhere around where it began - to be honest. I started this blog as a suggestion from my therapist as a way to work through my feelings outside of the confines of my head - and even though the situations have changed; the ideal remains. On the outside; my life is a blessing beyond compare - I am successful and achieving at my job; I have been off American soil; I moved to "The City" with my love; I found the woman I have searched a lifetime for; I have rid myself of many false friends; I have gained and maintained friends; I am soon to be engaged. What problems? To paraphrase The Cranberries - "It's in my heeeeeeeeeead..." However, I am no Zombie. Yet. (Brainnnnnnnnnnssssssss) The very definition of a person is personality - and mine is built on flawed vision..... I can always sneak behind my own defenses with my bipolar.... Like a ninja hiding in the castle. I know all my weaknesses; my fears - and when I get in a mood I am quick to pile on my own inferiority as a reason for the darkness that envelopes me. A negative answer is better than no answer at all; it would seem..... But what I am remembering is that most times the answer is just that my make up is just a bit off - where others are apathetic; I tend towards the depressed. Everything seems to have a meaning to me - and those things that are important (job, relationships) are of penultimate necessity. I have finally - after many years of being slave to the swaying emotional climate - come back to the idea that my emotions are MINE to control and express - not something outside of me I that I owe anything to. If I feel negative and at the same time positive - is it not up to me which I choose to express? The negative so often taints or even injures - where is the decency...... the HUMANITY.... in that? So, the love of my life. My one - my only. It is not to much to say that I have been better to this woman than I ever imagined possible - even for me. So often in the past I would question friends, family, therapists - what is love like? I don't know that I have felt it in the hollywood/ love song/ poetic/ Biblical sense. I can now say without question that I did NOT know it - until I met this woman. I find times where I will just be looking at her and tears well up in my eyes - a sheer expression of joy and love. I always find myself wanting to be more, do more and give more to this woman. I am going to make a point to blog more - it does release my inner demons.... and hopefully gives some of you out there HOPE.

The Song Does Not Remain the Same

Mid Life Crisis. Fork in the road. Defining moment. Maturity. Internal evaluation. Nervous breakdown. Whatever you label it; there are just some moments in many peoples lives where they must choose a path. A moment where the decision will define and alter the landscape of what they had considered "Reality". A moment that calls into question selfishness versus selflessness; humanity versus isollation; your place in the world versus your establishing yourself and letting come what may. These tectonic (SP?) shifts can influence a persons entire life. These poignant moments generally revolve around three main topics : , introspection,success or relationships. In my case, I have been consumed by all three... Introspection is a lost skill in today's world - the ability to look inside honestly and know yourself. In modern times, therapists, psychiatrists and medications have taken the place of a thorough knowledge of a persons true "Self". We require a sounding board who gently tugs us in a direction to try and lead us to water. While they are trained to listen and dissect - if you are not knowledgeable enough about yourself you may very well follow them to conclusions that did not reflect you (before), and have now altered your internal make up. Therapists and psychiatrists try very carefully to avoid this situation as professionals - but all diagnosies are instinctual and a bit of leading is needed for those who are not learned nor adept. Why can't a person just sit - in a quiet room; a park; an airplane - and probe their own psyches? How is it lost on many that as the only holder of all the answers - YOU are the one best suited to ask the questions. You won't always like the answers - but since you are dealing in your own psyche; you have the power to change. After the therapist (or us, if we do the work) determines what is eating us alive, the next logical step seems to medicate it into submission. Certainly there are plenty of cases where this is applicable and makes sense - there does seem to be an avalanche of drugs now made to numb us all into a state of lobotimized latency.As a Manic depressive, I have a litanyof meds to take - one to calm me down, one to pep me up and one to stabilize me throughout the day. Do my meds make things more manageable? To a point, certainly. However it also removes my individuality - I like my manic, impulsive, outgoing mayhem. I can generally control my depressive episodes and work my way through to the light. Yet I am still told meds are needed to keep me from driving off the cliff. Okay; even if that's the case - if that's who I am - why not? What is the obsessionwith everyone filling a role; meeting a standard? Mozart, Da Vinci, Einstein... these are men who all had a plethora of mental illnesses.... and in today's medication society they would have been drugged to the point of lethargy; And the world would have lost.... Success is such a subjective term; its hard to really discuss on a deep level. That said; we all come to a moment in life - even in reflection - where we measure ourselves to determine if we have been "succesful".The most difficult part of this judgement is that we are comparing what we have done to what we wanted to do; and what we wanted to do against what society deems "success".the variables lead to a mass of confusion to where we can really never definitively say we were "succesful", only that we are proud of what we accomplished. Is that enough? Can you go into the great beyond content in the knowledge you did yourown thing - even if those around you found it a waste of your life? For me I find it's enough to say I have lived with no regrets. I have made choices that worked out to my detriment; but I always felt they were right at the time. I can never second guess the person who made that decision - in intellectual honesty you have to accept that you don't know what frame of mind you were in at the time. So how could you speak intelligently about the execution of the decision? Yet we do it all the time; judging the decision as opposed to it's outcome. I will be what I will be..... and I am what I am. There is where my success lies... Your standing at a point in your life..... Married with kids; a good job; a nice home; astable existence. All of a sudden this person walks into your life - Fun; exciting; fresh; romantic; passionate - and sends you tumbling. No matter what we all like to think; in that moment we are vulnerable; the allure of this other entity draws us in. At that point, the dilemma is set and we are left to think. What do I want from this person? How far am I willing to go? How far are they trying to take it? What will my significant other say? Do I tell him/ her? Is this my little secret? An honest man goes into remission.... for those not self realized; this can shake the foundation of their being because they don't know themseleves to know what they want. If they go against what they want.... somewhere down the line there will be regret. There will be a continual gnaqing in their sould until one day they arrive at the fact that it was "the one that got away". Other's don't feel worthy of their good fortune; and punish themselves over giving into their desires over what is "right". Others still make no choice; they move forward and let fate decide. No matter what road you travel down; a peron must be confident in their choices in order to be conrtent in their decision. People want to consider all avenues before deciding - how do people feel; where it will all go; what is to be lost.When the ultimate decision lies in - What would YOU do? Then do it. I don't have all the answers for you. You have all the answers for you. Ancilllary stimuli may make us feel better in our decisions; but in the end you really must just do what you feel. It's a hard sacrifice, though. You have to give up blaming other things; or omnipotent creatures or beings that manipulate our lives. You have to stand in a field of illusions and state "It is this way because I want it to be so, Win or lose; right or wrong; this is the path I have chosen and I will accept the consequences." I'm at a point in my life where I have decisions to make (or information to gather) on all these topics. I live in a constant state of flux; but I enjoy the power of making the decision and seeing what happens next. It's hard; it hurts; and sometimes there are innocent casualties - but it is surely better to live than to just be alive..... If you're going through the motions - you no longer make a difference. In my opinionn, making a difference is the only reason we all survive...

Venture to the "Dark Side"...

For a blog with "Suicidal" in the title, I haven't made any statement on the subject. Suicide is one of those taboo subjects that is always mentioned in hushed tones and hits many people at a subconscious level. I have always felt that the reason people have this reaction is that suicide takes away man's belief of "a bigger picture". It puts control solely on the individual and now gives us full control of all our future failings (we all tend to take credit for our successes). Suicide is a subject that creates a wide range of emotions based on your exposure to the event. First, let me explain my "expertise", and why this is an important topic for me. I am Bipolar (Manic-Depressive)...... this statement does NOT define me; but it does put me in a unique place when it comes to certain actions that many people have a "taught" opinion about - as opposed to the learned opinion that comes from "experience". Contrary to most people's idea of those of us with bipolar (and other "mental disorders) - I have many hobbies/ interests; a large number of friends that I socialize with regularly; I go out for fun often; I'm married and I rarely sit on a phone or behind a computer for long periods. All that said; I have attempted suicide on multiple occasions throughout my life - Leaping from a moving vehicle; overdose. Needless to say; I've been unsuccessful. :) I have contemplated suicide at many other times in my life (not always when things are bad - my mental state is such that even the best times can lead to thoughts of suicide); not generally acting on these impulses. The general idea on suicide is that "people use it to avoid bad times". Invalidating that point is simple - unless you understand the mindset of the individual, you are ignorant enough to feel it's "an escape". Certainly; there are people who are DRIVEN by bad circumstances to feel no other option; but for me (and many like me) it's not that simple. For me its a mood thing - even the best life is turned around by my "mental process" to be a feeling of failure and a belief that the world is better off without me. I'm not "escaping"; I'm doing the next logical thing for everyone around me. Which leads to my next idea I have found on suicide..... It's not ALWAYS a bad thought. Stay with me for a minute. There are times in life when we are ALL backed into a corner and feel no way out of a predicament.... which is usually when "normal" people fall into a depression themselves.... but what do you do when you're ALREADY depressed? Where do you go from there? For me; suicide is a reminder that there is ALWAYS another option. As morbid as this sounds; suicide can actually lift me OUT of a depression by reminding me I don't absolutely have to follow what appears to be the only path. Usually this is enough to bring me out of my funk; but sometimes the next step into the "endgame" seems the best option. However, when this becomes a real, tangible thought - as human beings we will often turn to those closest to us to have a "listening board" to try and work through our feelings - the guilt; the horror; the relief; the finite feeling of potential closure. Which leads to another of my biggest pet peeves of people in general.... People will often tell someone with suicidal thoughts that the very idea of suicide is "selfish". This logic makes my blood boil; and I have counter argued this point even in my moments of great despair. The truth of it is that the people who share this sentiment are the selfish ones. By employing a guilt trip because YOU want to keep me around - to entertain you; to assuage your guilt of not being able to "save me"; or for some religious reasoning - you are being ultimately selfish and at that moment you aren't even TRYING to listen to me and experience this moment I am going through. You are merely running through your rolodex of what is acceptable and trying to "save" me from what I feel right now. Hypocrisy. Those feeling suicide are often at their LEAST selfish - consider how totally void one feels as a human being in order to toy with the idea of ending their existence. We often feel that we are a burden - to people; to friends; to family; to life; to God. Then you turn to your family/ your friends and they in turn insult you. The real way to handle this situation is to have the suicidal person PLAN for the future - show them that they aren't a burden. Alternatively; people let their initial shock and judgement of the act to cloud their reactions. So who's selfish here? I'm certain that I will have more to say on this and many other topics (otherwise, why have a blog? :]), but I did want to address these in the initial run of this blog. If there are any people who are suicidal and stumble on this blog - you can always comment or email me. I have been there and I will not judge or try to sway you - I know first hand that sometimes you just want someone to listen. If you are the loved one of a person who has these thoughts (or completed the cycle); I am also open to discussing this if you have an open mind. Finally, don't judge what you don't understand - in a world of "political correctness" there are still some things people refuse to accept - that just because you can't SEE my difference doesn't make it any less meaningful.

Love - the New Mythology

In today's world, it seems love has been given an almost mystical quality by humanity. Throughout time, love has been sung about, written about, pondered and philosophized over. In modern times, however, it has been deemed powerful enough to fell nations and is the main quality people use to guide their lives. Pursuit of love causes people to act in ways they are unaccostomed to and make decisions that defy logic. Once love is "found"; people then start to sacrifice parts of themselves to unite with another. Sometimes much to the "lovers" detriment and personal growth. If the relationship is taken to the next level, that is when the mythology of love truly kicks in - when "rules" are set in place; when expectations are established, when self interest becomes a flaw rather than a means of contentment.
Marriage is the ultimate statement of - "this is forever". Keeping in mind that in the days marriage was established; "'til death do us part" meant an average age of 40. However, in todays world where we live so much longer and marriages last so much longer - the idea of marriage has drastically changed. Where you once had just enough time to raise your children before dying (which made them your primary focus); today's marriages have thoughts of the children, the relationship, the individual wants of each person and the idea of whats "expected" of married people. Where the children were once the primary focus of a marriage; today's couples generally view children as an afterthought - as current divorce rates will attest. The focus since the feminist revolution has shifted from the responsibility of motherhood to become the responsibility to having everything a woman wants - a career; all of her emotions validated and followed; to being involved in her husbands life to it's very core. The Bible states "Women submit to your husbands; husbands love your wives". This arrangement has worked throughout history as a proper "checks and balances" system. Women once appreciated having a strong husband and a great father. The man was allowed his time and space as breadwinner. After the seventies however; women were taught to denounce their femininty and follow the male model. Marriage then had rules in place for men - and women as well. The irony is that we marry the one we loved - only to try and change them once we they commit their life to us. I believe marriage should be a combining if two individuals who then remain individuals trekking through life together. Whychange what you love.... And how can you feel empowered to seek to control others through passive-aggressive rules and expectations....
Another detriment to marriage (and proponent to the love myth) is todays high tech society. The internet has made us a immediate gratification; all information available environment. Couples feel they should have an all access pass into each others lives. All questions or topics should be on the table and should be respected. People (mainly women) have lost sight that alot if what we think or say just doesn't NEED to be discussed and dissected. "Private thoughts" no longer seem to exist. The ability to prioritize has been lost in a swirl of online nonsense.... This is where love comes in; "If you love me; you would let me in" is a mindset set forth by our immediate gratification complex. All over the internet there are ways to "Find the one you want!"; or "Date sexy singles!" , perpetuating the myth that love is a omnipresent force that can be unleashed and overtake you. Much like "Greek Gods" who would impact your life based on a whim...
Ultimately, love is simply a choice. It's a decision that says "I like having you around and will share my life and my self with you. I make the choice to trust you and take a chance - as you are different". It has been provided the allure we hold today merely because it puts it outside our control - I didn't CHOOSE this, it chose ME. As such, I will follow the siren's song to nowhere.... for the sake of "love". Much like an other mythology or religion; it provides us "something bigger" to answer to..... outside of ourselves.

And so it begins.....

With apologies to INXS, I could think of no more fitting name for my blog -for reasons I will talk about over time. I've started this blog as a cathartic effort to release creative juices while also engaging in thoughtful debate. I'm a bipolar male who is married and in my 30s. I will engage in many topics on here - whatever strikes my fancy. I do offer that if someone has a topic - let me know and we can all discuss. Here goes..... Something!
So my first topic is one for the ladies..... So women forever mention how they want men - who communicate, who are empathetic, who have depth of character. Yet, somehow, women inherently are drawn to a pretty face, to douchebags, to muscles - the very shallowness men are generally condemned for. How is it any different than men looking for the hot, slutty women who are showing their goods?
Speaking of those women - how do you have the audacity to go in public barely dressed - and then become offended when men stare? What other possible purpose would you have for dressing in such a provacative manner? I mean, really!
Well, heres blig number one. Let the games begin!