So, You Think You Can Write?

      Yes, I think I can. What an exciting moment today - I got my first call from a potential publisher talking about the many services they provide for aspiring authors such as myself. Sure, it will cost me to use their services; but feeling that my dream could inevitably become a reality is a fantastic thing! There are many people who feel they have a story to share with the masses - in this way, I am no different than many. I am willing to step up and take the chance, though. Front my own money. Perhaps one day I can have publishing firms fronting me money for future books and make a career of this. For today, my goal is much more quaint - I want to leave some small token that I existed. I could forever be in the Library of Congress as a published author! No matter how good or how bad this all turns out to be; it will be mine and will be eternal.

      Do you ever dream of writing? A book? Poetry? A screenplay? Any ideas of what you would like to see written? Are blogs the new books? So many things to consider - but so many stories begin with just taking a chance. The one break that takes a hundred failures to accomplish. This may ultimately go "nowhere". I might never be the next big thing. But..... How many people get to say they were able to create something for public consumption?

     I am still in the early stages; despite all this excitment. I have multiple ideas; but no book. I'm gaining knowledge; but no closer to an actual written tome. Finding time is difficult in moments, but once I start, I feel like it will flow quickly.

     I hope this works out....

Today is the day....

     Where I can only muster a few words. The week has gone well, and the weekend is upon us. I will continue this commitment with my blog unbroken as long as I can....!!

Gangsterism.....

     This title came from a great word I heard in a movie today. :) Anyway; I am trying very hard to do things in my life that will make my wife happy and keep up my part of our progressing into an amazing future. She always says I should do things for me and not her..... but what she doesn't see is that wanting to do it for her - the want is still within ME. I want many things.... but ultimately the want always comes back to being better for her, for us, for me. If I fail to keep an eye on the overall outcome for us both; that is where many of us tend to fall into a trap of avarice or selfishness. I want for the greater good..... 

As I Lay Me Down To Sleep......

      I went to a writing lecture tonight....  pretty cool stuff. It just led to me thinking more and more....... I'm forty years old and trying to get my life to take off. Life can be a real pain in the ass sometimes. When I was 18 and just barely pulling myself to a high school diploma; all that talk of a "future" was so meaningless. I was broken. I was depressed. I had a goal to be dead by 30. Nothing I did then would ever matter.

      Look at me now.

      I have fought and clawed to vecome a success DESPITE myself. Bad relationship; mental breakdown; depression; poor choices - nothing ever stopped me. Somehow; I STILL found a way to have a six figure income for a few years. Had an amazing son. Have the wife of my dreams.

      Now I have to do the work I didn't do then to become something better now.

      I'm going back to school to get a degree. To matter (in the eyes of employers). I'm going to write a book. No matter ho succesful (or not) the book is; it will be like my love letter to yesterday. A sign that all those decisions DID matter - I could have made a much easier life for myself. I'm going to probably struggle through two years of semi-employment to get my degree; ready to take off once I attain it.

      IT's not always that easy.

      Mine is not a story we haven't all heard (or lived) before. I'm not regaling you with any deep philosophical bent we haven't all heard or read before. i'm just another guy who didn't do it early and is now trying to make it up on the back end. I hope I can succeed. I hope I have a path that leads to salvation - to a final sense of purpose and belonging. I want to be someone people are proud of for what they accomplished; not happy to know just because they are silly. I want to have a resume that FORCES an employer to call and learn more.

       I want to be a man my wife is proud to call heusband.

       The trail begins.....

It's just a fantasy.....

      This year, for the first time, I joined a fantasy football league (and now a fantasy hockey league!). It has always felt to me that Fantasy Football was just a way to enjoy games that people wouldn't normally enjoy otherwise. While there is some small truth to that for me; I have ALWAYS loved football and watched as many games as I could. Not CFL or anything.... I guess the NFL and College are all I am familiar enough with to enjoy.

     It just seems funny to me that (as a society) we have to add layers of enjoyment to things to keep the attention of the (largely) ADD masses. Enjoying things for the basic sake of the event is SO passe. Even sports stadiums have to have other interests to keep us interested - nevermind that we are all linked to playthings like phones and tablets and video games. It is almost humorous to see someone at a grocery store just standing in line or.... reading a magazine! (That's why they are at the front; young people). Such passive enjoyment seems naive almost....

     I don't want to come across as that old guy who rails about how "in my day, we were THANKFUL". There is no better time to be alive in history than right now. My worry is that this "always on" mentality wears us down and leads us to never be able to enjoy. It's another symptom in the illness that plagues so many - the inability to be happy in the moment. We are smarter and more entertwined than EVER; but generally, happiness is unsettling for many - a lost island. In some way, u=it seems many have already become slaves to their machines.....

It's been a while

     So, I am on my way to attempting to be a writer. Everything I keep reading says that - every day - you must write SOMETHING..... just to sharpen the skills and keep the feeling flowing. The funny thing is some of my best ideas come at 2 am. I hope that I can put this together; I have some really cool ideas that I think would be cool in the marketplace. Some flashy, some trashy, some to learn from. All from different parts of me......

     An amazing weekend with the Wife. Unfortunately, she is a bit under the weather today - send your thoughts to her if you will. That said, this weekend with her was enjoyable on so many levels. I can't say enough great things about her - and when we have people in our life that are so special; we SHOULD try to state how very lucky we are to have a supernova in a sea of bic lighters.

     Every post isn't going to be a novel (without time and filling out ideas eventually!); but I am going to try and be faithful to writing or posting daily. Deinitely going to try and be more consisttent than the once in 9 months it has been here! Like I alluded to earlier maybe one of these post ideas will become a book of its own..... I'm excited for the present.

The Price of Peace

     So alot has happened since I posted last; but a review isn't in order right now. I'm out on the road again in Atlanta; and today - on my 18 month anniversary with my darling fiancee - I found myself with the opportunity to go and see a mandala created by  Tibetan monks visiting here locally. The fantastic part of being able to witness a unique event is is sparsely known about..... which means we miss many chances to witness these types of events. Today, on my anniversary - this was not just chance that I attended this event. The blessings I have found my love have been extraordinary and continuous - almost as if she were the talisman I waited for so long to let life's joys find me....

      For the uninitiated - Monks (and some Native American Tribes) create Mandala's as "sand paintings" - they are for healing or celebration. In the monk's case; after painstakingly creating these images - they have a ritual celebration and then sweep the sand up in a pile and dispose of it - as a symbol of the impermanance of life. The patience to  create these masterpieces is inspiring; but the ability to then destroy their own creation is mind boggling. The iron will to spend hours to create something you will destroy in moments is unfathomable in America. Even beyond our love of possessions is the humility! Amazing.

     So as I was sitting there today admiring this "painting" and following ritual - it lead me to think quite a bit. I thought about the serendipity of this event - which my fiancee and I had both discussed in the past wanting to be a part of - occurring on my anniversary - an especially meaningful one at that. I thought about how much I wished she could share this moment with me. That time will come. Then I started thinking about how happy these monks were. The thought that giving up possessions is what lends itself to happiness is so easy to understand and grasp - once you work through the societal leanings telling us stuff = success. I admire their ability to just live - not loudly; not with a lot of ado; just a day in and day out life that is present to help others and feel peace. As humans, we are distracted by environment - there is a need to be taken out of the common hustle to not start down the road to acquisition and collection.

      Which led to my next thought - am I not defeating the point of their meditation with all of this thinking? Of course I was; but it's so hard to go against the wiring modern day society has given us - never a quiet moment; never a peaceful  tranquility - if you aren't processing; you aren't progressing. I was able to focus and the chant and find a place to relax; but thoughts kept moving through. I found it to be a small victory that at least my thoughts were positive - quiet moments tend to leave us puzzling over problems or to do lists or any number of things to trouble us - but I stayed peaceful - bathed in the light of my love; my anniversary; my wedding...... all that my life has become.

      I will probably never have the peace of a monk; the stillness in silence; the unwavering concentration. What I do have is an unyielding love - a desire to help others and serve my one and only with all my heart; for all my days.I'm proud of who I have become; and I am thankful to have today as another in a long line of fantastic memories over the course of my life - I'm incredibly dynamic at holiday parties. :)