Chewing Scenery

I'm still a good person; aren't I?

Despite the moments where 

I vex those who love me,

They know that I am always 

On their side; don't they?

My job provides for me

As I struggle with sunlight.

A thousand hobbies

That I don't always have time

But can always find my way to guilt.

Lava lashes out from my speech

Eyes view the devastating diatribe,

Destruction delivered in Dolby

Breath grows ever shorter

As my body sizzles silently.

My mind racing, it is hard to see

The tiny sliver of sense

Piled atop the corpse considerations.

If only I could sacrifice my want

In favor of my deepest need,

Without fracturing my self

And leaving me despaired.

What Can I Say?

They say to write about your passion

What is my passion?

My passion is you.

You, who brings me feelings

Feelings beyond what I thought possible.

How can I hope to describe

The things which spur my haste

Using the words we all use everyday?

In a world of, "I love burritos"

I dare not compare.

The shining light of your love

Carrying me to dizzying heights

Granting me access to a world

So very few are able to inhabit.

A place where 

We need not grant freedoms,

Where understanding is freedom.

How will I ever concert these thoughts

Into a new turn of phrase all you own?

If I happen upon the appropriate muse

Only Shakespeare will speak more eloquently

Than I.

But I Like Rocky Road!

     The truth about relationship sex over time is that it's rather vanilla, unless sex is all the relationship is based on. Over the years, gone are the week-long sex fests; the hours long lovemaking that neither your stamina nor your creativity can keep up with; the tension of the choice and new interaction.With all of that said, that's the undeniable beauty of sex over time. 2 hour long lovemaking is to make sure that every move is used to show our ability (to peacock), while years later all of the events have been condensed down to all the best parts; like cutting a film for production. Emotions add to the steam train in the beginning - a furious fire to fornicate without remorse. As things go along, the more tender side of emotions set forth, with even the act itself can seem otherworldly - a charge of static to the spine (and loins, of course). Your partner learns your most sincere likes and dislikes - no more baring with scraping to get to the next level. There is a satisfying oneness in a quick fling that pumps the ego and reinvigorates us (to find a mate). Years later, it is a dance of subtelties, innuendos and approraite actions taken. A soothing, gentle ride that brings peace to your mind and a song to your heart. The chase has it wonder, but long term satisfaction can only be provided by a long term commitment.

Go Your Own Way. (And Respect Me Going Mine)

     What is being lost in all of the politically correct rankings on transgender pronouns and respect for others is that these things are not universal rights. The relationships we have with one another is what should inform what personal things we can ask of one another. When did it become where I owe the people of the greater planet more respect than I do for my own beliefs? These are frightening times, where everything that has helped to stabilize the foundations of societies worldwide is being chipped away at or tossed aside all together. In a world riddled with everyone experiencing insecurity and personal destruction, I suppose it could be nothing else.

And Your Chicks for Free

      None of us do something for nothing; even within the confines of a relationship. There are checks and balances; moments where we go against our first nature in the interest of another, the avenue of personal growth. There are going to be changes within us all, but the expectation should never be of like mind as much as a willingness to accept one another's point of view and work towards a common understanding. The belief of "doing things for yourself" doesn't always fit, and the request of me to make it so doesn't change the fact that I'm not wired that way. I am a person who lives "inside-out": I start with my internal thoughts and ideas and then project them into the world. Therefore, the motivation for my actions is to satisfy an internal urge, even if that urge is to do something for another. My wife often asks me if I enjoy cooking (a skill she has created in me these past four years), and I always respond the same: I enjoy her reaction to my cooking - my creation giving her pleasure. I decide to cook in order to help out because she's tired (or I had another mad scientist moment), but the goal is a kiss and a smile.

     Is that really so bad?

     We have become so jaded and emotionally aggressive in modern relationships. "For better or for worse" has taken on a tone of "as long as you accept what I am. I may change along the way, but if you ask me to it feels domineering/ needy/ insecure". This invalidates any premise set forth in requesting a change, because no one wants to have these labels applied, especially by a loved one. When I spend an entire day cleaning the house; I do it because it needs to be done, but also to provide my wife a sense of order and pleasantness. All I ask is that she smile and try to be content - this is my 'reward' for accomplishing something I now she likes (but I'm not always up to doing). When the smiles aren't there, or when the things I've done are passed over for more things she would have me do, I lose the reward. Over time, unless I learn to enjoy the chores (as if 😄), I will inherently feel less motivated to continue to do the chores as often. In turn, this often leads to my wife asking why I don't do as much as I did before. Once you stop 'chording', it's no small feat to return to doing more work. I've tried explaining it a number of ways, but only today did I come to the realization of why it bugs me so much. There are always going to be motivations in relationships that couples don't share, but that cannot override the nuanced back-and-forth that ultimately leads to getting things done for one another. 

     If your man wants a smile in return for laundry, do that. Is the payoff that steep?

     If she wants you to take her for sushi and you hate fish, eat McDonald's first and then nibble on chicken karaage.

     If he wants to have sex after hours of raking leaves; why not? Sex is a relationship staple.

     In some way, every action in life is driven by a payoff. When you fall in love, that is amplified. Yes, loving you is accepting who you are. Being loved allows you to ask me to do things in order that our partnership nurtures and sustains us both. Asking for sex is not coersive. Asking you to ignore your friends is. Or putting you in dangerous situations. We all know what evil is, but requesting a smile for any action done to derive you satisfaction should not be a lot to ask....

I Wanna Be Like You-ou-ou!

    The time my faults go from shining to searing is when that disappointing gaze washes into my psyche. I am so very flawed, and I have learned that the key to happiness is to not dwell on the poison of wishing to be anyone else. Yet, when the time comes and my shortcomings bind my capacity to rise, I fall into the pool of dreaming that is, "If only I was...". Thrashing about, wrists burning by my captors; ferociously I use my body to strike forward against the walls, hoping to ascend. Alas, my mind has changed, but my fate remains the same.

Ignorance Costs Us All

Standing at the moral precipice

Looking out over a smoldering cauldron

In the distance, the winds of disappointment 

Collide with the futures long abandoned.

Reason rests quietly upon my brow

As its perverted cousin peaks out.

A million ounces of worry above me,

I seek the wisdom of a hummingbird

To inform my steps going forward

And to recognize the landscape

That spreads out to the southwest.

Remembrance of events not far past

Tint inner turmoil and cloud vision.

Eyes descend into increments of darkness

Equatable intake of air recognized

I move into my soul's darkest recesses

To determine my uneasy disappointment.

Underlying cause eventually uncovered,

I fall back in the respect of what I thought was

Very clearly exists only in my mind's eye.

The journey has not ended is disgrace,

Only taken detour for safer travels

Alongside one willing to chase a fantasy

At the potential cost of a lifelong friend.

How much of this I can endure

Is not for me to say, as the future holds truth.

In this moment, I am supporting my friend

While questioning their actions (and loyalty).