The Price of Peace

     So alot has happened since I posted last; but a review isn't in order right now. I'm out on the road again in Atlanta; and today - on my 18 month anniversary with my darling fiancee - I found myself with the opportunity to go and see a mandala created by  Tibetan monks visiting here locally. The fantastic part of being able to witness a unique event is is sparsely known about..... which means we miss many chances to witness these types of events. Today, on my anniversary - this was not just chance that I attended this event. The blessings I have found my love have been extraordinary and continuous - almost as if she were the talisman I waited for so long to let life's joys find me....

      For the uninitiated - Monks (and some Native American Tribes) create Mandala's as "sand paintings" - they are for healing or celebration. In the monk's case; after painstakingly creating these images - they have a ritual celebration and then sweep the sand up in a pile and dispose of it - as a symbol of the impermanance of life. The patience to  create these masterpieces is inspiring; but the ability to then destroy their own creation is mind boggling. The iron will to spend hours to create something you will destroy in moments is unfathomable in America. Even beyond our love of possessions is the humility! Amazing.

     So as I was sitting there today admiring this "painting" and following ritual - it lead me to think quite a bit. I thought about the serendipity of this event - which my fiancee and I had both discussed in the past wanting to be a part of - occurring on my anniversary - an especially meaningful one at that. I thought about how much I wished she could share this moment with me. That time will come. Then I started thinking about how happy these monks were. The thought that giving up possessions is what lends itself to happiness is so easy to understand and grasp - once you work through the societal leanings telling us stuff = success. I admire their ability to just live - not loudly; not with a lot of ado; just a day in and day out life that is present to help others and feel peace. As humans, we are distracted by environment - there is a need to be taken out of the common hustle to not start down the road to acquisition and collection.

      Which led to my next thought - am I not defeating the point of their meditation with all of this thinking? Of course I was; but it's so hard to go against the wiring modern day society has given us - never a quiet moment; never a peaceful  tranquility - if you aren't processing; you aren't progressing. I was able to focus and the chant and find a place to relax; but thoughts kept moving through. I found it to be a small victory that at least my thoughts were positive - quiet moments tend to leave us puzzling over problems or to do lists or any number of things to trouble us - but I stayed peaceful - bathed in the light of my love; my anniversary; my wedding...... all that my life has become.

      I will probably never have the peace of a monk; the stillness in silence; the unwavering concentration. What I do have is an unyielding love - a desire to help others and serve my one and only with all my heart; for all my days.I'm proud of who I have become; and I am thankful to have today as another in a long line of fantastic memories over the course of my life - I'm incredibly dynamic at holiday parties. :)

George Zimmerman

     So, everybody has an opinion on this... why not me? It's things like this trial that make the US an embarrassment on the world stage - and show that - yes, in fact - racism is alive in well in America - but the racist roles are clearly reversed. Everyone wants to scream down what the verdict SHOULD have been - but our system is built on an actual COURT system - it's not based on the court of public opinion. We aren't the Middle East - we aren't maniacal enough to drag a person out in the streets and stone them to death based on the opinion of a crazed mob. The fact is that the case left a reasonable doubt - period. The real story is the ability of so many "rational" people to tweet or post or go on talk shows and say asinine, cruel things. That is a rare defense - defense by anger. Pathetic. violence is a part of the society we live in - people of all races engage in it and are victimized by it. Certain races never commit so called "hate crimes" because their ANCESTORS were punished so they are justified in angry retaliation.

     Uh...... No.

     Violence is violence. Unless someone clearly states an intent to injure based on a race; sex; sexual preference or something other - there is no reason for all the race baiting. It's sick to hear stories of how things were once in this country when a particular set of races WERE victimized.... OPENLY. Having the word bandied about in todays climate of political correctness is a slap in the face to all those who truly WERE injured by malice.

     Race will be what topples this great nation.... Just another victim.

I'm Better Than a Stick in the Eye!

     So, I find myself lately in a very odd state.... After years of feeling like I hd no purpose; i along the way started to feel like I could be something more. Now that I have become something more; I worry I am not enough. Lately I have been fighting to define my wants, needs and for respect. I still feel I am chasing something - something I have. My love and I have been working through issues - it has been difficult at times becuase our communication styles are so different - but at the end of it we both know we need and love one another and we find compromises or accept each others needs in order to move forward to forever. It pains me when we disagree. However, my darling said it best - all couples go through tough times. Indeed. It's the ones who walk from the flames that have a chance at greatness... I love you baby.

     In other news; I have been placed under a lot of internal scrutiny lately. It seems my wiles and charms haven't been enough to keep the detractors at bay. I am most certainly an acquired taste - but lately many of those around me have seemed to feel the taste to be bitter.... perhaps even unpleasant. God said it best - I am what I am. I'm trying to curb some  of the personality traits that I know no longer serve me in this new; enjoyable world I have found. The defense mechanisms and desire to win at every turn are remnants of an environment I no longer inhabit. I no longer live in a place where I need to wear my emotional body armor around the house. I suppose even I can still succumb to learned patterns.... ring bell and drool follows. in my mind; I know I am in a place of safety with a pertner who not only can provide me sanctuary - she WANTS to provide me sanctuary. I often remark to her that, "You are me" - but I don't always give her that assurance when I worry that she might hurt me. I'm  still scared; unfortunately. Not scared of her; scared of not being enough. Scared that my snoring or boring or bipolar or moods or ignorance or abilities (or lack thereof) or looks or jokes or words (apparently lots and LOTS of words) or baggage or fat might just one day be enough for her to say "enough". Does she ever hint to that? No. She argues it vociferiously. Its a little devil gnome at the bottom of my soul that still tells me that there is so much more I need to learn - Salsa dancing; learning to not cut into other people talking; remembering my household duties; more ways to show i appreciate her; better ways of speaking (or not speaking) as appropriate; new cooking techiniques (I'm learning to make her sashimi!! Any fans in Japan? Hey, that RHYMED!!); learning I am the one she has waited for. It's an interesting juxtaposition that when learning each other and what your couple is detined for and how to make the whole relationship thing work - it also becomes a time of great growth and (currently) great introspection to make your SELF a proper part of the (dynamic) duo. We fall in love for the people we find; but it is neccessary on some level to change in order to accomodate (happily) with new opinions; new ideals; new desires; new hobbies; new furniture. I'm in. She's in. The road will not always be easy...... but staying beside her is. The answers I seek (from her and myself) will not always be comfortable - but they will be meaningful. As with any crowning acheivement; the toil is what will ultimately make the result timeless.....

     So, the diet continues. There are many days where I am starving if I do not eat every two hours. Some days; I get so weak I cannot even move to eat something. It's a bit frightening how easily our body can shut down on us. On the plus side; I don't have the abdomen of a walrus for the first time in years - I will probably never be a sexy beast - but at least I no longer resemble a beast. My body itself feels fantastic - so much more fire and feeling and stamina than I have had in quite some time. I do mix in carbs on occasion; I support my doll face to the fullest - but I am much bigger than she and occasionally I have needs that only a hamburger can fill. :) I seem to have kicked my coke habit - I still drink them when I'm out (mostly); but I don't crave them as my drink of choice. That distinction now lies with my sparkling grape water. YUMYUMYUM. It's ironic; in limiting the foods I intake with the girlfincee; I have actually been opened to many things I NEVER would have found otherwise. God (and low carb diets!) works in mysterious ways....

     The final countdown to my divorce has begun! (Cue Europe here) All that is left is to establish a court date.... and I will be able to finally put stamp on a chapter of my life long gone. I am breathless with anticipation of this watershed event..... so much to follow....

     I am (living) proof that good things can come to those who wait. Thank you, Lord, for all You have decided to share with me in your creation. 

Two Mental Conditions Walk Into a Bar.....

This Post was written a few weeks ago; and in my state at the time I didn't post it. I'm only posting it now as another example of what the face of bipolar looks like. It's not pretty folks.... If you know someone with it; understand that their inner workings don't allow them escape.... or the ability to be rational.....

     So, today I was told I might have abandonment issues.... to go with the joy of my bipolar depression. Oh the hits just keep on coming. Upon investigation I came to find that..... it's absolutely correct. How many flaws can one man have? Did God just throw all the spare and broken parts in me to see if I could give life a whirl? To see how much suffering one person can take? I'm not going on the "Whoa is me" kick.... I just imagine what I could be and do for others if I was a little stupider and a lot less mentally broken. As it stands now; I am causing distress to one of the greatest things in my life - and my mental abilities pick up on this and are kind enough to help me string myself to the nearest cross. Awesome. I don't want to be a martyr; I want to be a husband. I want my life to have mattered - to have a made a difference to others - but I also want it to matter to ME.... to have the ability to not cost myself so many of the great moments I dream about when I think of what life could be like.

     But, at every turn, people grow disappointed and despairing in my presence. I always wind up being too much me and not enough everyone else.

     I am struggling today.... I have been struggling for a while. I feel like I just can't measure up - at work; at home; in bed; in Scrabble; in baby making; in parenting; in life. 

     Then I find out that I have MORE reasons to fail at life.... How the hell have I gotten this far? It can't all be luck; it certainly isn't all skill - it again feels like God put so much of the worst things and a few of the okay things and mixed them up to make a perfectly imperfect and annoying me. It is funny though - abandonment issues definition read like every popular fairy tale - from Romeo and Juliet to Disney - that you have ever seen. I mean hell, Romeo KILLED himself in a fit of despair. Yet today we turn our nose up at the idea of undying devotion and feeling of connection. 

     Who am I kidding? I can't philosophize right now - I'm stuck on stupid. I just keep trudging forth.... one foot in front of another - trying not to cost myself a great opportunity while also not shutting down - and costing myself a greater opportunity.

     I just wish sometimes I wasn't me. I don't want to be Bill Gates.... I just wish I could be common joe who is proud that he can stand straight and say the Pledge of Allegiance. The guy whose hardest part of his day is deciding dinner. The Guy who can just be and is proud to be a homo sapien.

     It just will never be.....

     And my failures mount...... I don't know if I can do anything right by anyone right now.

Will I always be a slave?

Look down

From your place on

High

Down at the things

I try to give

Down on the things

I have held as 

Accomplishments

Look down on all I 

Have given you

All the dreams

I have placed

In front of you

Look down on 

My place in this

World

A downcast eye

For the emotions 

I have expressed

As well as those

I have sought to receive

Look down on all

That I am

But by looking down 

On what I express

As love

I rise up

A sudden upward glance

At my nemesis

My eyes blazing

Come to rest on my tormentor

In the mirror

The reflection speaks

A thousand words....

How Do I Avoid Soul Crushing Disconnect? There's An App For That....

     Electronics have changed the way we live - for better and worse. I have blogged before on the impact electronics have had on our relationships; but earlier this week it really occurred to much how much it has handicapped us as individuals as well. 1984 has come to pass - the Orwellian "nightmare" that - in 1984 - seemed laughable. God Love Ronald Reagan! I digress.... The idea of human kind being overtaken by its own creation has been a staple of science fiction for decades - but it's time has come.

     We not only have lost the idea of patience; but in large part our abilities to self entertain and think. There was a time - in my life time and many of yours - where a phone call was a gift. You could go throughout a day... DAYS even..... without thinking about who might call. You had to actually be stationary in your own home; where you could concentrate on your conversation - not these mindless passive interchanges that have become the norm. People used to sit on benches or stand in line and CONTEMPLATE what was happening - within them; around them; to them. People had to MOVE in order to change a particular entertainment device - decision combined with action. Nowadays; you never go anywhere and see someone just enjoying the things around them - even in others company. Always the face is staring blankly at their phone - a world where emails and texts and calls and videos await. It's frightening to think what is in store for current and future generations - so much of anything these days is passive ways to waste time..... what type of attention spans will these kids have? What desire will there to be to invent or create when entertainment is one click away? The machines have taken over as our collective unimind - our calendar, our keeper, our entertainer, our link to the world at large. I'm aware there are plenty of good uses for this technology - and I myself possess many forms of it - I'm not being ironic by blogging about it. My contention is that WE.... the users..... have made it more powerful than our own minds - we have allowed this to happen to our collective. Then we ask these companies for more..... now Microsoft is coming out with a gaming system that will control ALL of your entertainment media and requires only that you use your voice. People have literally degenerated to the point where moving a THUMB is too much effort. So we will be left to sit in our homes; stuffing our faces and never having need to move for anything. Electronic Meth..... that's what a drug user lives like. Yet we push on..... never satisfied until Big Brother Entertains us; feeds us; clothes us; provides shelter for us - and we don't have to think anymore. Computerized lobotimization... Take the blue pill, Neo.

     Another thing I notice has become an issue from a rather goos idea is that of multi tasking. I recognized how ingrained it has become when; the other day; on the way to the restroom I thought to grab my phone to check email. Another thing that has taken our ability to stay within.... Always we must have something available to distract us from the "boredom" of daily life. Maddening. We don't need to fill every second with as many tasks as possible - we need to coordinate our lives and handle each piece of our day on its own - full attention to accomplish the task. As a species; we survived millenniums with out the ability to make a phone call from an eatery; without answering emails on vacation; without texting a friend to find out WHICH store they are standing near. We took time to reflect - on our day; our life; or what we felt about mint chocolate chip ice cream. I mean, we took time to just sit back and smile at the sights and sounds that encased us. No more. A moment of peace is a moment wasted..... there's always SOMETHING I could be doing....

     As a race, we have become increasingly disconnected. From nature; from people; from our loved ones; from our minds; from ourselves. Anything, when put out of use - will dull and eventually disintegrate. "Use it or lose it". Our minds very rarely have need to be used - and it shows in todays world -grammar; grades; morals; a generation of the internally lost. At some point; we will all just be able to hook into the machine (Welcome to the Machine..... GREAT song!)and live vicariously through the events and efforts of a fabricated universe. It's honestly too late to turn back..... In the future; I will be diagnosed as old because I will be able to start a sentence saying, "Once, before there was a PC in EVERY HAND....."

Don't You..... Forget About Me....

     As I am sure you are all aware; I have not blogged in a while - but for good reason...... I spent the weekend with my love celebrating our first anniversary. What an amazing milestone.... An annual rite of passage that tracks our progress - and our lives. It was a weekend filled with laughter and joy and PLANNING OUR FUTURE.... all the things it should be. There were gifts and surprises and Maps and journals and so many cool things! It was a 72 hour celebration complete with a surprise at the end - it didn't end. I stayed longer. I awoke next to my love and I said goodbye.... I started my week with the kiss that can never miss.....

     I have really had a strong hold on my reality over the past week - I am starting to settle in to not looking for what "could be". The next step in my evolution appears to be unlearning many of the conservative tendencies my environment taught me growing up. I continue to see so many patterns in things that have run throughout my existence.... They may not be wrong but they don't apply to my new world. What issue is a see through shirt in a city where people bike naked? However, how far is it before I become victim to absorbing my new surroundings? I am having to try and separate out which parts of these beliefs are mine - and which I have been taught to believe. I am conservative by nature; so it is hard to section off where my conservative side gives way to the "Bible Belt" teachings? I am also taking my girlfriends ideas into consideration on this journey; It's going to be a long road to setting my own thoughts in place. Even then; they are only mine. I don't ask that anyone else live by them - only that they understand if I seem uncomfortable at times. My perception is my reality - not a set of dictates handed down as gospel. No matter how definitively I state my thoughts on a subject.....

     The girlfriend and I have narrowed things down to the finals!!! We are getting married in a Church - already chosen; but we are between two final venues for the after party celebration! What an exciting time - an incredible hunt! We still have things to iron out.... To dance or not to dance? Cocktail hour or free time? Jazz, Blues, or other? Colors? Food styles? We are building our own masterpiece.... Our wedding is an artistic endeavor that will clearly be defined by the individuals in it! I want very much to go against the "wedding cliches"..... my hope is to have a wedding that when people think back to this night; it will stand out above and beyond all other receptions in the history of mankind. That's not too much to ask. :) More importantly; with this woman at my side - it's completely attainable.... 

     So, the diet is going okay. I am trying to do this exactly; but as my love will attest - I slip occasionally - but I keep hopping back on the horse. Eventually, this will be my life long ride; and you can't break 20 years in a day. I am learning more and more what to eat.... breaking my addiction to soda slowly...... but I am hungry much more often. It's so hard to imagine how awesomely delectable carbs are..... how full they make you. I burn my food in hours - I am learning the whole five times a day eating cycle - no small feat. In the long run; I know my support is imperative to my darling - and it is better for me and my insides down the road...... That's a win-win if ever there was one.

     My work is going well...... things are at the point where people seem to run on auto-pilot. I spend much of my day waiting for the one or two issues that come up - the rest of the time trying to find people to show additional items to or to help clarify the workflows. Exciting? No. A Great paycheck? It's alright.... Worthwhile? Absolutely. I am training the people who (literally) can stand between life and death. It is greatly satisfying to have a hand in the healing process.

     At the end of it all; my maturation continues. I am so satisfied and peaceful in life; in love; at work; at all. I just want to make the right choices and be the person that makes everyone's life better (in some way) by association. I don't know that I always accomplish my mission - but I keep plunging ahead. If I can just be successful more often than I fall short - then it means it's all worth it. In the end; we define ourselves by our own measure....