Apathy for the Devil?

      Today was a study in contrasts about my divorce and the resulting events that an still be felt 2 years later. Legal untangling is dirty business, and often generate powerful emotions in the participants - ranging from sadness, to hurt, to hate, to anger. I had a chance to examine the fallout within my own heart this afternoon.

       I made a statement today that in some small way, I would always love my ex-wife because she gave me my son. Having reviewed my emotions right after that statement, it is in no way true. I have no love for her at all. This is one of those simple statements that slips out of us during conversation that sounds like we are self actualized, more forgiving or nicer than we truly feel deep down.

      On the reverse, I am still receiving ripples of the poor decisions she/ we made as a couple. It is such a drag when I am still not fully able to seal the time capsule for good. However, I don't hate her either. At this point, the only feelings I have for her is disappointment as my mothers son and contempt for her refusal to realize his life is better with me. Strong feelings (of either caliber) represent a passion that I never truly possessed for her at all.

       I do hate the results of some of it, though.

The Fire of Failure

Anger, the jagged pulse of a harried society. Love may not always beget live, happiness is not always infectious, but anger is the one emotion that can be absorbed and passed universally. What is the harrowing allure of this toxic tempest that leads so many into its shrouded embrace? With a civilization driven by anxiety, fear and stress; is it any wonder that the one emotion we can all relate to equally is the red rage? I don't want to come off as a utopian hippie, but I do wish quite often that fury could be reserved for events of immense insult or danger. A flare up occurs so quickly and frequently that any small (perceived) insult can lead to an all out assault.

      I grow tired of getting upset/ angry/ unhappy. A continual stream of darkness sours my soul and bores my mind. Suspicion and mistrust leave me in a similar malaise.yet feeling externally optimistic feels so fake, and leaves others feeling manipulated or in doubt of my sincerity. Joy can feel so many ways - happiness, love, appreciation, desire. Anger falls under many names, but it always feels the same - a sense of insult in combination with a sense of attack. The level varies, but it is The same old song. Why would I feed a monster that offers me such discomfort?

     Yet, I do.

Don't Ask Me....

      When doing a thing has all the markings of being detrimental, it doesn't make sense to do so. In this way, not making sense itself makes sense. However, the compound of intelligence and impulse creates a pained idea that this thing can be done, i just have to come at it from the right angle. With desire thrown into the mix, it makes an unbearable fixation that must eventually be fed or replaced over time. I'm not very good at the "it's not meant to be" - like many before me I want a cake and a snack, but unlike others, my mind can't accept this fact and move on. Instead, I mentally keep nibbling at the edges of the cake until there is none left, and then I regret it leaving.

      I am always in some state of this mindset, but for the past few days it has been a matter of "should I stay or should I go now" (or next year, to be more precise). I found a job that I felt suited me well, but over the first five months, blemishes and frustrations have appeared (as they are wont to do) that have left me dreaming of a time past. Like that one ex that many feel "got away", time has left me with a much more understanding and positive image of my last career. While there were many good points, the negatives still lurk on the edges of my psyche.

      Do I stay where I am, making less money, but home every night? Do I take back to the road, leaving a "stable job" (the former "American Dream") to find more money (and many less weeks of work) to dedicate to school and my time at home? Which path leads to a more prominent future? What will stress my family more? Where does my desire fit in? My friends?

      A "normal" life?

Un-Whole-Y

      At some point, I hoped that the parade of pain and discomfort and self loathing would end. Even knowing that my life is better than many, my mind makes the world around my cloudy through a haze of despair. I just want to make myself better and become a stable member of the society around me. I want to be blinded to the many alternatives around me and be happy with the basic food groups. I want to feel like I have something to offer to everyone I encounter, and that I feel accepted and appreciated by those around me. Not be beholden to the constant idea that in every moment of being me will drive those closest to me away screaming into the recesses of life. Even more importantly, I wish I wasn't self aware enough to even have these thoughts. I want the confidence to create. To excel. To feel like I have a purpose beyond just existing. 

      Even in my good moments (which there have been many in recent months), I can't shake the feeling that my flaws lead to much discontent to those closest to me who have to endure my ramblings and moods and ineptitude. I have a million ways to try and get validation from those in my life that it is worth sharing with me, yet I still thank them at every turn because I have always felt that any time people choose to spend with me could be spent doing so many things that are more meaningful - but they give those moments to me. Almost all of my best moments in life have been spent in the company of others - how much fantastic really happens alone? 

     My career choice leads me to more confusion and feeling of hopelessness - at 40 years old I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I have had many jobs, I still have many choices, but I have no direction or belief that I can become succesful at any of them. I'm in school fr business, but where will that leave me (besides in debt) in 3 years when I get a bachelors degree? Will I just be a better qualified minion? I hope it does do something for me; narrow the options and provide me a path for the next 20 years. 

     Unless that writing thing takes off.

     Maybe it's just me. (Isn't it always?) Is there a way to change the motivation, the perception, the hope in what I see? Jokes roll off my tongue, experiences form behind me; here I sit wanting... something. Whatever I was created with that is missing, internally I still realize within my intuition that it just isn't there. Is there a way to convince my mind that whatever I don't have is not worth having? I'm still waiting for that moment. A happy life with all the wonders trumped by a melancholy mind.

     I am still alive, so there is always hope.

Death and Dream entered a bar...

     Friday night was the 5th annual Sandman's ball at the Cat Club in SOMA in San Francisco. A night themed for the amazing comic book from Neil Gaiman, I had been waiting excitedly for months to attend this celebration of my favorite comic book from my teen years. I recruited a few friends to accompany me on my night of frolicking, and it was a grand experience that was well worth the wait.

     The bar was themed with sandman paraphernalia strewn across the walls, with many people showing up in some form of Sandman T-shirts, costumes of the characters in the comics or a very gothic tone. The series always maintained a dark edge, and the lights throughout the club set the mood for the night. The front room of the club had a "dream" vibe, with very ethereal and psychedelic vibe that was very calming. The back room was the "death" room, which which played a much heavier style that appealed to my senses and was my station for most of the night. The dance floors in both rooms writhed with a variety of different types of dancers, and the mood in the building truly felt like a chaotic celebration of people with a common interest enjoying good music and good times together.

      I look forward to more events to come at the Cat club, and for anyone who loves a themed music night in a great atmosphere, this would be the best place in town! 

So Let It Be Written.....

     Today I have been thinking a great deal about motivation and a sense of self worth. General logic holds that those who do not continuously drive forward in pursuit of life's goals are lazy, lacking in the burning desire to succeed. Many hang their crowns upon the spoils of success, always regaling others with the perils they were forced to overcome, the long hours of sacrifice the forged them into time tested juggernauts. It is an all to common theme amongst conversations (some part truth, some part fairy tale) that leaves many of us gawking in admiration at the accomplishments that we can universally admire. However, where do we draw the line? What is the differentiation between healthy obsession and maniacal psychosis? When does hard work become "workaholic"?

      When dealing with motivation (or 'drive', as oft alluded to), the idea is that we have a great purpose that allows us to overcome any obstacle, at any cost, to achieve the final objective. People, circumstance, knowledge (and even health) will not stand in the way to our path toward 'this great thing'. In my humble opinion, this already sets a bad tone to the action - it is not enough just to do this thing, it must become a life purpose that be sated in order to feel worthwhile. It is no longer enough to do for the sake of doing. As human beings, we are not stationary creations..... Should our desires be? We all change daily, what happens when we reach the goal and no longer desire the outcome?

     Additionally, the line of thought that those that are not driven at all costs are 'lazy'. Certainly, there are people who inhabit this planet that are inherently unmotivated, but that is not the complete solution. Does their lack of motivation come from not wanting to leave the television? That's lazy. Just as many people lack motivation due to their built in insecurities. It's not that they don't want to achieve, they have a stumbling block in their heart and minds that cause them to falter and submit. That is not laziness, it is our humanity handicapping us. I am one of these people. I want to write a book..... I have had this dream for decades. I have the desire. I have the skill. Yet, whenever I think about sitting down to write, a gentle coaxing tells me, "What do I have to say of interest?" Other feelings of inadequacy join in and soon I find myself in 'paralysis by analysis' - insecurity given in a logical format that takes the momentum of creativity I need. Am I lazy? Flawed? Broken? All of the above?

      

Don't Be Afraid of a Little Discomfort

     It seems so simple to me, the point of living is doing and being and experiencing everything that I can. With so many people locked into their routine and huddled safely in the cell of their comfort zone, how could I possibly hope to illustrate the joy of the unknown? Hiding safely in myopia, what words can illustrate the world awaiting them on the other side of their bias? We all know that our perceptions of events are often misleading and wholly inaccurate, yet still we cling to them as the weathervane of our choices within our reality. 

      What is the allure of the known? Why the fear of doing something unexpected, new? I have had so many great experiences on a flight of fancy, which is in keeping with my bipolar disorder. Even more, I have ignored a perceived ideal of an event to go forward and enjoy a great experience that I would have shunned otherwise. I have learned that there is a beauty to doing things I have never done before, to throw myself upon the fates and see where it winds up. 

      The steady loop of the same things (even going out drinking, as fun as it might be), becomes just another line on a daily checklist of repetition in an event less life. It is funny how people that live this way always feel that life flies by. If the scenery never changes, how can you expect the passage of time to be a real thing? It's all the differences in day to day living that make life stand out; memories made in moments become the mile markers we see on the road behind.  In seeking safety, what many actually get is wasted time and vapid minds.

      But it's only one mans opinion.