If You Please

You were born into this world 

To live.

Nothing more is expected of you

Than to move from one day

To the next and exist.

Millions have done it

And it's comfortable to be the same.

Same events, same times, same ideas,

Until it all blends into one gray mass.

Then there are those who rise up

Taking those traits that make us

Separate and above the animals

And move forth to find experiences,

A day to day discovery of the

People, places, things and ideas

That drive our interest and our joy.

Yet in those things, there is also

Danger.

It is in the desire to avoid pain

That a man turns to the bottle

As his true, defining source of relief.

With an eye of an ever alluring

Excitement and enthusiasm,

One can be convinced that

The key to freedom can be found

In the many addictions of a drug.

It is in an attempt to find passion

And appreciation that a man is

Coerced to pleasures of the flesh.

In the attempt to receive those same

Pleasures and be without worry,

Man can be blinded by ambition

And walk a dark road to monetary

Independence.

To live is to chance never 

Making a mark to be remembered by,

While being alive is chasing the

Ever changing landscape in pursuit

Of the most enigmatic and euphoric

Four-leaf clover.

It is our chance to take,

And up to those who make

A pit stop in the movement of our lives

To understand and support

Or stay jaded and skulk away.

A dream is often just

A choice not yet made.

My body wants sleep now.

The blinks are getting longer,

The thoughts are getting shorter,

The energy has been depleted.

I am ready to recharge under

The envelope of the unconcious.

My mind wants to stay awake,

Puzzling my inner angst and

Sending my emotions into a frenzy.

There is no rest for the anxious demon

That lives behind the solemn walls

Of my Id castle of solitude.

I am ready to rejoice in slumber,

To turn it all off and go to auto-pilot

So that I may rest to face another day.

Always hoping that I might awaken

And the little monster will

Have acquired a new residence

Elsewhere.

Loving in the Real World

Come with me on this quest

Take my arm and let us begin.

You are the companion that

I have waited a lifetime to find,

The calling  and the commitment

That I have tried too many times.

I speak to you with fairy tales,

But let's root our expectations

In the realities of what is to come.

There will be times when I falter,

And disappointment and hurt

Will be your shrouded comrades.

Even with you to return to,

I will darken the door

Some days with a dark demeanor.

With giving my greatest effort,

I will act in a way that leaves you

Uncomfortable or without content.

I will not always remember

To use my best manners or

Tell you often enough how 

Much your presences so needed,

Due to no ill attitude from me.

There will be times when I am tired

Or anxious

Or sad,

Just as I will ask things of you

Even when you aren't prepared

To meet my needs or desire.

The reality is that coupling 

Is a time test of endurance: 

Existing well beyond the

Initial euphoria of love anew.

Be prepared for all the things

We will be asked to overcome

Before you respond to my offer

To spend the rest of my life.

If you are willing to be party

What I can promise you

Without any doubt or hesitation

Is that none will love you

More than I am capable of

And no one will try harder

To make life as wonderful to you

As you are to me.

No Mal

      I write these blogs as a way to record my life and share in the hope to help others and give myself meaning. I am bipolar and odd and opinionated and I have come much farther in life (on every level) than I ever intended. Still, there are times when I get the feeling that I'm not really doing anything at all; the sense that I have this life thing all wrong.

     I always wanted my life to be a tale of triumph - of the spirit and heart and circumstance. Yet, time and again, the truth of who I am shines through and I realize how insignificant I can be next to everyone else. Our collective humanity is our weakness, but my humanity is as shallow as a puddle and as frail as an egg carton. I am a demon of my own design.

     My inability to truly effect change or joy in those around me seems to resound from the motif that makes me who I am; the gaping flaws that make me accessible also make me frustrating and untenable. The pieces of life have time and again fallen around me like post-tornado shrapnel, but the belief was always in the currents of life causing the destruction. It occurs to me that the whirling dervish my well have been me: a Tazmanian Devil of emotional ineptitude. Being bipolar may shade my view of the present, but more and more I come to feel that the disruption lies squarely on my shoulders as a Judas to my own professed cause.

      Now that I am aware of this reality, all I can imagine to do is hibernate from the world. A life lived as work, school, home, repeat causes few ripples in the gentle ecosystem. My current refrain causes me to leave a constant echo of distress on life's ocean. It's almost a curse to those who love me: "May you find love in an intesting person". I am sorry for all that I cause I'm the general flow of being.

     If only lobotomies were more practical. If only I were more... Plain.

What You Really, Really Want?

Glistening grail of glory

Rests upon the pinnacle

Of yonder mountain.

Unsteady in its mount

Swaying to and fro

In the gusts of change.

Your focus steadfast,

Staring down the dream.

Sharing your destination

With all who may share

In the delights of your vision.

Living omnipresent 

In the coronation

Before the climb 

Has yet to be underway.

You spin tales of wonder

At what is to become,

While lending a blind eye

To the toil required

To claim that solitary

Golden moment of

Sacrifice found.

The failure isn't always

In choosing a goal

Eventually deemed too lofty,

But more often in the

Ignorance of all the

Sub-goals it takes

To aspire to the Heavens.

Hurts So Good

      There are so many different types of beauty in the world, yet we lump them all into one great pot for comparison. With a momentary appreciation and a presence of thought, it begins to detangle and become clearer in definition.

      There is the surrounding beauty we take for granted each day. The trees and the waterfalls and those slight glosses of light that fall on the landscape. It takes some doing to mentally detach ourselves from everyday events to notice and admire the wind's scent as it tickles across our skin. Something forgotten but easily recognizable. 

      Also in our daily lives is the outstanding beauty. Those things or people that stand out among the rest, moving us to comment (either to others or just ourselves) on how extraordinary they are. It's an enjoyment of witnessing an object of some wonder, but quickly forgotten as we move forward into the next moment. A butterfly strikes us in its grace and beauty, but rarely does it stay with us as we continue on.

       Then you are left with the rare breed of breathtaking beauty. Be it a certain landscape, or a certain person - this type of appreciation moves the spirit as well as the mind. It strikes you in such a way that is almost painful in its brilliance; your mind feels overwhelmed and your body on sensory overload when you look upon  "the person of your dreams". It engulfs you with desire and longing; that subtle nagging that you wish nothing more than to kiss and hold and be ever present in that moment of ecstasy. When it comes in the form of a person, you are left wanting to be with them completely, but also afraid to ever become trite or codependent in their eyes. Their loss would be like God ripping away a Great gift he gave to the world. This is a reminder that beauty is in the life force that we all carry within us, that it propels us all in our search for meaning.

     The power of beauty is as oft written about through man kinds history as the mystery of love, and therefore is no wonder these sensations are at the very soul of what we seek to exist completely. In its most guttural and purest form, a vision of beauty can be an amazing life event, a moment in time that echoes in our spirit for decades to come, always available to demonstrate that there is Divinity that still walks among us. We are drawn toward it instinctually, even as it threatens to destroy us (from within our comfort zone), it also inspires us and drives us to new heights of growth and aspiration for a better life.

My Sight

No matter the words I decide to use

You will never be able to recognize how

To sit in the dark trying not to confuse

The concept of how to "live in the now".

How could I possibly paint you a scene

Of the red light slowly starting to rise

With an answer resting in disguise

The sundrops flush my dark soul clean.

I have tried to share with you my struggle

A steady chipping within from without

Resolve forms an acute stream puddle

And my worth holds my self in doubt.

I love because that is what our destiny ordained

I love you because I can feel you when alone

I need your actions to set our ascendent tone

The sacrifices deemed worthy of being pained

I do becuase it is mine to give freely

My every motion is a call to action

To accept and absorb me completely

Then give me back to your satisfction.

Forgive me my outbursts of humanity

Understand my intent when I have fear

Bring me close and hold me tight, dear -

Offer things only described as Divinity