As I Lay Me Down To Sleep......

      I went to a writing lecture tonight....  pretty cool stuff. It just led to me thinking more and more....... I'm forty years old and trying to get my life to take off. Life can be a real pain in the ass sometimes. When I was 18 and just barely pulling myself to a high school diploma; all that talk of a "future" was so meaningless. I was broken. I was depressed. I had a goal to be dead by 30. Nothing I did then would ever matter.

      Look at me now.

      I have fought and clawed to vecome a success DESPITE myself. Bad relationship; mental breakdown; depression; poor choices - nothing ever stopped me. Somehow; I STILL found a way to have a six figure income for a few years. Had an amazing son. Have the wife of my dreams.

      Now I have to do the work I didn't do then to become something better now.

      I'm going back to school to get a degree. To matter (in the eyes of employers). I'm going to write a book. No matter ho succesful (or not) the book is; it will be like my love letter to yesterday. A sign that all those decisions DID matter - I could have made a much easier life for myself. I'm going to probably struggle through two years of semi-employment to get my degree; ready to take off once I attain it.

      IT's not always that easy.

      Mine is not a story we haven't all heard (or lived) before. I'm not regaling you with any deep philosophical bent we haven't all heard or read before. i'm just another guy who didn't do it early and is now trying to make it up on the back end. I hope I can succeed. I hope I have a path that leads to salvation - to a final sense of purpose and belonging. I want to be someone people are proud of for what they accomplished; not happy to know just because they are silly. I want to have a resume that FORCES an employer to call and learn more.

       I want to be a man my wife is proud to call heusband.

       The trail begins.....

It's just a fantasy.....

      This year, for the first time, I joined a fantasy football league (and now a fantasy hockey league!). It has always felt to me that Fantasy Football was just a way to enjoy games that people wouldn't normally enjoy otherwise. While there is some small truth to that for me; I have ALWAYS loved football and watched as many games as I could. Not CFL or anything.... I guess the NFL and College are all I am familiar enough with to enjoy.

     It just seems funny to me that (as a society) we have to add layers of enjoyment to things to keep the attention of the (largely) ADD masses. Enjoying things for the basic sake of the event is SO passe. Even sports stadiums have to have other interests to keep us interested - nevermind that we are all linked to playthings like phones and tablets and video games. It is almost humorous to see someone at a grocery store just standing in line or.... reading a magazine! (That's why they are at the front; young people). Such passive enjoyment seems naive almost....

     I don't want to come across as that old guy who rails about how "in my day, we were THANKFUL". There is no better time to be alive in history than right now. My worry is that this "always on" mentality wears us down and leads us to never be able to enjoy. It's another symptom in the illness that plagues so many - the inability to be happy in the moment. We are smarter and more entertwined than EVER; but generally, happiness is unsettling for many - a lost island. In some way, u=it seems many have already become slaves to their machines.....

It's been a while

     So, I am on my way to attempting to be a writer. Everything I keep reading says that - every day - you must write SOMETHING..... just to sharpen the skills and keep the feeling flowing. The funny thing is some of my best ideas come at 2 am. I hope that I can put this together; I have some really cool ideas that I think would be cool in the marketplace. Some flashy, some trashy, some to learn from. All from different parts of me......

     An amazing weekend with the Wife. Unfortunately, she is a bit under the weather today - send your thoughts to her if you will. That said, this weekend with her was enjoyable on so many levels. I can't say enough great things about her - and when we have people in our life that are so special; we SHOULD try to state how very lucky we are to have a supernova in a sea of bic lighters.

     Every post isn't going to be a novel (without time and filling out ideas eventually!); but I am going to try and be faithful to writing or posting daily. Deinitely going to try and be more consisttent than the once in 9 months it has been here! Like I alluded to earlier maybe one of these post ideas will become a book of its own..... I'm excited for the present.

The Price of Peace

     So alot has happened since I posted last; but a review isn't in order right now. I'm out on the road again in Atlanta; and today - on my 18 month anniversary with my darling fiancee - I found myself with the opportunity to go and see a mandala created by  Tibetan monks visiting here locally. The fantastic part of being able to witness a unique event is is sparsely known about..... which means we miss many chances to witness these types of events. Today, on my anniversary - this was not just chance that I attended this event. The blessings I have found my love have been extraordinary and continuous - almost as if she were the talisman I waited for so long to let life's joys find me....

      For the uninitiated - Monks (and some Native American Tribes) create Mandala's as "sand paintings" - they are for healing or celebration. In the monk's case; after painstakingly creating these images - they have a ritual celebration and then sweep the sand up in a pile and dispose of it - as a symbol of the impermanance of life. The patience to  create these masterpieces is inspiring; but the ability to then destroy their own creation is mind boggling. The iron will to spend hours to create something you will destroy in moments is unfathomable in America. Even beyond our love of possessions is the humility! Amazing.

     So as I was sitting there today admiring this "painting" and following ritual - it lead me to think quite a bit. I thought about the serendipity of this event - which my fiancee and I had both discussed in the past wanting to be a part of - occurring on my anniversary - an especially meaningful one at that. I thought about how much I wished she could share this moment with me. That time will come. Then I started thinking about how happy these monks were. The thought that giving up possessions is what lends itself to happiness is so easy to understand and grasp - once you work through the societal leanings telling us stuff = success. I admire their ability to just live - not loudly; not with a lot of ado; just a day in and day out life that is present to help others and feel peace. As humans, we are distracted by environment - there is a need to be taken out of the common hustle to not start down the road to acquisition and collection.

      Which led to my next thought - am I not defeating the point of their meditation with all of this thinking? Of course I was; but it's so hard to go against the wiring modern day society has given us - never a quiet moment; never a peaceful  tranquility - if you aren't processing; you aren't progressing. I was able to focus and the chant and find a place to relax; but thoughts kept moving through. I found it to be a small victory that at least my thoughts were positive - quiet moments tend to leave us puzzling over problems or to do lists or any number of things to trouble us - but I stayed peaceful - bathed in the light of my love; my anniversary; my wedding...... all that my life has become.

      I will probably never have the peace of a monk; the stillness in silence; the unwavering concentration. What I do have is an unyielding love - a desire to help others and serve my one and only with all my heart; for all my days.I'm proud of who I have become; and I am thankful to have today as another in a long line of fantastic memories over the course of my life - I'm incredibly dynamic at holiday parties. :)

George Zimmerman

     So, everybody has an opinion on this... why not me? It's things like this trial that make the US an embarrassment on the world stage - and show that - yes, in fact - racism is alive in well in America - but the racist roles are clearly reversed. Everyone wants to scream down what the verdict SHOULD have been - but our system is built on an actual COURT system - it's not based on the court of public opinion. We aren't the Middle East - we aren't maniacal enough to drag a person out in the streets and stone them to death based on the opinion of a crazed mob. The fact is that the case left a reasonable doubt - period. The real story is the ability of so many "rational" people to tweet or post or go on talk shows and say asinine, cruel things. That is a rare defense - defense by anger. Pathetic. violence is a part of the society we live in - people of all races engage in it and are victimized by it. Certain races never commit so called "hate crimes" because their ANCESTORS were punished so they are justified in angry retaliation.

     Uh...... No.

     Violence is violence. Unless someone clearly states an intent to injure based on a race; sex; sexual preference or something other - there is no reason for all the race baiting. It's sick to hear stories of how things were once in this country when a particular set of races WERE victimized.... OPENLY. Having the word bandied about in todays climate of political correctness is a slap in the face to all those who truly WERE injured by malice.

     Race will be what topples this great nation.... Just another victim.

I'm Better Than a Stick in the Eye!

     So, I find myself lately in a very odd state.... After years of feeling like I hd no purpose; i along the way started to feel like I could be something more. Now that I have become something more; I worry I am not enough. Lately I have been fighting to define my wants, needs and for respect. I still feel I am chasing something - something I have. My love and I have been working through issues - it has been difficult at times becuase our communication styles are so different - but at the end of it we both know we need and love one another and we find compromises or accept each others needs in order to move forward to forever. It pains me when we disagree. However, my darling said it best - all couples go through tough times. Indeed. It's the ones who walk from the flames that have a chance at greatness... I love you baby.

     In other news; I have been placed under a lot of internal scrutiny lately. It seems my wiles and charms haven't been enough to keep the detractors at bay. I am most certainly an acquired taste - but lately many of those around me have seemed to feel the taste to be bitter.... perhaps even unpleasant. God said it best - I am what I am. I'm trying to curb some  of the personality traits that I know no longer serve me in this new; enjoyable world I have found. The defense mechanisms and desire to win at every turn are remnants of an environment I no longer inhabit. I no longer live in a place where I need to wear my emotional body armor around the house. I suppose even I can still succumb to learned patterns.... ring bell and drool follows. in my mind; I know I am in a place of safety with a pertner who not only can provide me sanctuary - she WANTS to provide me sanctuary. I often remark to her that, "You are me" - but I don't always give her that assurance when I worry that she might hurt me. I'm  still scared; unfortunately. Not scared of her; scared of not being enough. Scared that my snoring or boring or bipolar or moods or ignorance or abilities (or lack thereof) or looks or jokes or words (apparently lots and LOTS of words) or baggage or fat might just one day be enough for her to say "enough". Does she ever hint to that? No. She argues it vociferiously. Its a little devil gnome at the bottom of my soul that still tells me that there is so much more I need to learn - Salsa dancing; learning to not cut into other people talking; remembering my household duties; more ways to show i appreciate her; better ways of speaking (or not speaking) as appropriate; new cooking techiniques (I'm learning to make her sashimi!! Any fans in Japan? Hey, that RHYMED!!); learning I am the one she has waited for. It's an interesting juxtaposition that when learning each other and what your couple is detined for and how to make the whole relationship thing work - it also becomes a time of great growth and (currently) great introspection to make your SELF a proper part of the (dynamic) duo. We fall in love for the people we find; but it is neccessary on some level to change in order to accomodate (happily) with new opinions; new ideals; new desires; new hobbies; new furniture. I'm in. She's in. The road will not always be easy...... but staying beside her is. The answers I seek (from her and myself) will not always be comfortable - but they will be meaningful. As with any crowning acheivement; the toil is what will ultimately make the result timeless.....

     So, the diet continues. There are many days where I am starving if I do not eat every two hours. Some days; I get so weak I cannot even move to eat something. It's a bit frightening how easily our body can shut down on us. On the plus side; I don't have the abdomen of a walrus for the first time in years - I will probably never be a sexy beast - but at least I no longer resemble a beast. My body itself feels fantastic - so much more fire and feeling and stamina than I have had in quite some time. I do mix in carbs on occasion; I support my doll face to the fullest - but I am much bigger than she and occasionally I have needs that only a hamburger can fill. :) I seem to have kicked my coke habit - I still drink them when I'm out (mostly); but I don't crave them as my drink of choice. That distinction now lies with my sparkling grape water. YUMYUMYUM. It's ironic; in limiting the foods I intake with the girlfincee; I have actually been opened to many things I NEVER would have found otherwise. God (and low carb diets!) works in mysterious ways....

     The final countdown to my divorce has begun! (Cue Europe here) All that is left is to establish a court date.... and I will be able to finally put stamp on a chapter of my life long gone. I am breathless with anticipation of this watershed event..... so much to follow....

     I am (living) proof that good things can come to those who wait. Thank you, Lord, for all You have decided to share with me in your creation. 

Two Mental Conditions Walk Into a Bar.....

This Post was written a few weeks ago; and in my state at the time I didn't post it. I'm only posting it now as another example of what the face of bipolar looks like. It's not pretty folks.... If you know someone with it; understand that their inner workings don't allow them escape.... or the ability to be rational.....

     So, today I was told I might have abandonment issues.... to go with the joy of my bipolar depression. Oh the hits just keep on coming. Upon investigation I came to find that..... it's absolutely correct. How many flaws can one man have? Did God just throw all the spare and broken parts in me to see if I could give life a whirl? To see how much suffering one person can take? I'm not going on the "Whoa is me" kick.... I just imagine what I could be and do for others if I was a little stupider and a lot less mentally broken. As it stands now; I am causing distress to one of the greatest things in my life - and my mental abilities pick up on this and are kind enough to help me string myself to the nearest cross. Awesome. I don't want to be a martyr; I want to be a husband. I want my life to have mattered - to have a made a difference to others - but I also want it to matter to ME.... to have the ability to not cost myself so many of the great moments I dream about when I think of what life could be like.

     But, at every turn, people grow disappointed and despairing in my presence. I always wind up being too much me and not enough everyone else.

     I am struggling today.... I have been struggling for a while. I feel like I just can't measure up - at work; at home; in bed; in Scrabble; in baby making; in parenting; in life. 

     Then I find out that I have MORE reasons to fail at life.... How the hell have I gotten this far? It can't all be luck; it certainly isn't all skill - it again feels like God put so much of the worst things and a few of the okay things and mixed them up to make a perfectly imperfect and annoying me. It is funny though - abandonment issues definition read like every popular fairy tale - from Romeo and Juliet to Disney - that you have ever seen. I mean hell, Romeo KILLED himself in a fit of despair. Yet today we turn our nose up at the idea of undying devotion and feeling of connection. 

     Who am I kidding? I can't philosophize right now - I'm stuck on stupid. I just keep trudging forth.... one foot in front of another - trying not to cost myself a great opportunity while also not shutting down - and costing myself a greater opportunity.

     I just wish sometimes I wasn't me. I don't want to be Bill Gates.... I just wish I could be common joe who is proud that he can stand straight and say the Pledge of Allegiance. The guy whose hardest part of his day is deciding dinner. The Guy who can just be and is proud to be a homo sapien.

     It just will never be.....

     And my failures mount...... I don't know if I can do anything right by anyone right now.