So, I find myself lately in a very odd state.... After years of feeling like I hd no purpose; i along the way started to feel like I could be something more. Now that I have become something more; I worry I am not enough. Lately I have been fighting to define my wants, needs and for respect. I still feel I am chasing something - something I have. My love and I have been working through issues - it has been difficult at times becuase our communication styles are so different - but at the end of it we both know we need and love one another and we find compromises or accept each others needs in order to move forward to forever. It pains me when we disagree. However, my darling said it best - all couples go through tough times. Indeed. It's the ones who walk from the flames that have a chance at greatness... I love you baby.
In other news; I have been placed under a lot of internal scrutiny lately. It seems my wiles and charms haven't been enough to keep the detractors at bay. I am most certainly an acquired taste - but lately many of those around me have seemed to feel the taste to be bitter.... perhaps even unpleasant. God said it best - I am what I am. I'm trying to curb some of the personality traits that I know no longer serve me in this new; enjoyable world I have found. The defense mechanisms and desire to win at every turn are remnants of an environment I no longer inhabit. I no longer live in a place where I need to wear my emotional body armor around the house. I suppose even I can still succumb to learned patterns.... ring bell and drool follows. in my mind; I know I am in a place of safety with a pertner who not only can provide me sanctuary - she WANTS to provide me sanctuary. I often remark to her that, "You are me" - but I don't always give her that assurance when I worry that she might hurt me. I'm still scared; unfortunately. Not scared of her; scared of not being enough. Scared that my snoring or boring or bipolar or moods or ignorance or abilities (or lack thereof) or looks or jokes or words (apparently lots and LOTS of words) or baggage or fat might just one day be enough for her to say "enough". Does she ever hint to that? No. She argues it vociferiously. Its a little devil gnome at the bottom of my soul that still tells me that there is so much more I need to learn - Salsa dancing; learning to not cut into other people talking; remembering my household duties; more ways to show i appreciate her; better ways of speaking (or not speaking) as appropriate; new cooking techiniques (I'm learning to make her sashimi!! Any fans in Japan? Hey, that RHYMED!!); learning I am the one she has waited for. It's an interesting juxtaposition that when learning each other and what your couple is detined for and how to make the whole relationship thing work - it also becomes a time of great growth and (currently) great introspection to make your SELF a proper part of the (dynamic) duo. We fall in love for the people we find; but it is neccessary on some level to change in order to accomodate (happily) with new opinions; new ideals; new desires; new hobbies; new furniture. I'm in. She's in. The road will not always be easy...... but staying beside her is. The answers I seek (from her and myself) will not always be comfortable - but they will be meaningful. As with any crowning acheivement; the toil is what will ultimately make the result timeless.....
So, the diet continues. There are many days where I am starving if I do not eat every two hours. Some days; I get so weak I cannot even move to eat something. It's a bit frightening how easily our body can shut down on us. On the plus side; I don't have the abdomen of a walrus for the first time in years - I will probably never be a sexy beast - but at least I no longer resemble a beast. My body itself feels fantastic - so much more fire and feeling and stamina than I have had in quite some time. I do mix in carbs on occasion; I support my doll face to the fullest - but I am much bigger than she and occasionally I have needs that only a hamburger can fill. :) I seem to have kicked my coke habit - I still drink them when I'm out (mostly); but I don't crave them as my drink of choice. That distinction now lies with my sparkling grape water. YUMYUMYUM. It's ironic; in limiting the foods I intake with the girlfincee; I have actually been opened to many things I NEVER would have found otherwise. God (and low carb diets!) works in mysterious ways....
The final countdown to my divorce has begun! (Cue Europe here) All that is left is to establish a court date.... and I will be able to finally put stamp on a chapter of my life long gone. I am breathless with anticipation of this watershed event..... so much to follow....
I am (living) proof that good things can come to those who wait. Thank you, Lord, for all You have decided to share with me in your creation.
