Patience

      Is it maturity or madness that I now feel a day spent unconscious is a day wasted? How did I lose the subtle enjoyment of doing nothing at all for long periods of time? I spend barely motor time in my thoughts as in the distractions these days. I fight hard to maintain my ability to think, to reason - to do those things that are uniquely humanity. I can't be a mouth breather and still have a desire to something greater. Either I give up my motivation or my laziness. Reading is still a positive outlet, but I can even feel in those moments that I might be doing something "productive". I'm fighting myself for how I want to spend my time. My left and right hemisphere are dueling for control of my body...

Caught In A Sigh...

There are moments,

Moments I stand back

And revel at you.

You, who was waiting

When I found it to

Land in your yard.

It's those subtle slivers

That show thoughtfulness

Considering the absurd

And giggling with me.

A light of passage

That allowed me to

Become the 80's 

Song reference machine

I was always meant to be.

Once upon a rhyme,

A sad day was the norm -

But our infusion

Brought about 

Delicious delights,

A changing landscape,

And a simple rhythm.

Dance with me 

Into this thing called "wife"

And I promise to be yours

Forever.

And Now, In Your Main Event...

     It occurs to me that the action I consider "kissing ass" in my life is really just a press conference before big events. Self-congratulating, informative events that announce to everyone - especially those who would never know if not for a news outlet - exactly what will be presented when the time for action has arrived.

      'Selling oneself' is a talent that can be hard for some of us - at least me - and I just want my actions to speak louder than words. Archaic thought process, I know, but it really seems what I do would say everything about what i am capable doing. However, I can't change the system and am thus am responsible to learn how to play within it.

      I am currently interested in a promotion with my company, and the path to 'leveling up' goes through a process of selling managers on your accomplishments in place of them recognizing your hard work. This is the place we've found ourselves in - 'doing it' is secondary to proclaiming it. That's where I made the connection watching a live press conference just now. There's a wrestling event happening in Mexico in a few months, and as I watched (with no clue what was being said), a thought dawned on me that there fans would know what was coming, why go through the hassle of a 'presser'. To reach the average Joe, not to sell to the average fan. When I go to my managers and tell them about the strides I've been making, it feels dirty. Like a snake oil salesman. In my next attempt, I will try to frame it mentally as exposing one of them to parts of my day they don't know. Hopefully I won't feel so dirty.

       The process of growth can be uncomfortable, but is necessary in the evolution of the self. I will try to reframe my feeling on the process in order to reach the goal I am squared on until I reach it. Can that be so bad?

The Human Condition

      We are all so petty, degrading others in a race to prove our outright correctness. Why the hell can't we leave things alone anymore? For all of the 'progress' being spoken of, all I see is mayhem and discontent. Roving packs of rabid rioters causing chaps and hiding behind the lens. Every generation has its "the end is nigh" moment, but I don't believe that's where we are. However, the Civil War is not out of the question. Those who remember better times can only shake our heads and sigh.

I Believe I Just Got Served

     There's nothing wrong with being able to "leave a tender moment alone" as Billy Joel once said. It's hard - wanting to take an epic encounter and raising it higher. It's so much more warmly expansive to gestate in the essence of what has been said. Screaming in its vast void - "I'm in the exact same place." Humility marinates where arrogance misses the point.

       Just be quiet and hear the voice of an angel.

Hmmmmm... Where Have I Heard This Before?

      The United States is in disagreement over race again. Politics floundering, extremists crying out in the night. A war of words has become the death of true innocents in the streets. Those cops weren't shot, they were assassinated. This isn't a new phenomenon, but it will again divide the country as its predecessors did. The hippies in the sixties. Oh, and there was another one - the next Civil War is coming, people. In my own life, brother has challenged brother on race alone. The whole race issue isn't about equal treatment, it's a promotion of the radical ideal being accepted as reasonable. It's the bastardization of the dream to promote ones own self interest.

Across the Vast Echo Comes A Voice

     I stumbled across a memory this evening as I walked past Kezar Staduim to the booming voice of some gentleman excitedly announcing SOMETHING. The echo and dulling from the walls made it difficult to hear outside. With the tone of his voice and the appearance of the building, a sense of connection came over me and reminded me of my six months in the true, rural south town of Munford, Tennessee. It was a town of a little over two thousand people, and there wasn't a lot to do since Memphis was an hour away. When I started "dating" my cute next door neighbor, she asked me to accompany her (and her brother and parents) to the talent show on Friday. I agreed, as the smile of a woman can sway most things in a man's... Heart.

     We arrived at the building, only for me to find it was a church. A Christian function that screamed some part 'hoe down' and some part innocence. I was not looking forward to the events of the evening, but her hand squeezing mine in excitement gave me pause, as I had sprayed Right-Guard directly in my crotch - I needed a payoff for the burning hunk of honkey love that taught me a valuable lesson on the proper placement of alcoholic substances. As we sidled up to the door, the man at the ticket counter handed us each a raffle ticket as we paid the nominal three dollar fee for "some good ol' fashioned entertainment"! Then, the memory that jogged this all free would arrive. "Bombastic Buford" (I'm not certain hat was his name... But I'm not certain it wasn't either) would come on stage with a mixture of Baptist Preacher meets 'The Micromachine Man' (about five of you reading this understood the reference) and take control of the situation. This was one of the first ties I noticed the power of charisma. Whether it was a fifteen year old boy with a cracking voice singing Patsy Cline or the girl who could touch her tongue to her nose (that happened, but I don't think they understood why men uncomfortably nervous), he would bellow forth and assure you that this was a ride you needed to take. Also, hallelujahs. 

     At the end of the night, I felt thoroughly entertained but not sure why (like reality shows always do) - entertained by the MC more so than any act. It was just clean wholesome fun. I went a few more weeks with "Right Guard" Rita until we decided we needed time to find ourselves. 😀 Also, figured she would be a cold fish. Fourteen is too early not sow ones wild oats. I may never have gotten to her, but those moments with her obviously still resonate within me.

A Double Left-Right

     Sometimes, you just have to skip a step. Either your out of rhythm (with life) and need to fall back in or maybe your out of step with a partner. It feels awkward to skip out, but it can help reset your momentum. If you are in a rut, the only change necessary is any change at all. Whether it winds up being better or worse in the short term - it will be a different beat. It doesn't always make it better, but it's a step toward recognizing that you have control in changing your trajectory. 

     No one has ever lived this life pain free. Take the bumps in the road and just be ready to slow down and enjoy the smooth patches while they last. Don't speed by and then fantasize about how great it will be if you ever get another break. Your responsibility in life is to appreciate everything you have before you want for more.