Yesterday, Upon the Stair.....

       Overheard in a conversation today during my (brief) excursion through the hallways:

       "Do you regret it?"

       It is such a simple question; but with an enormously profound meaning. Regret has never been my thing, maybe because I am generally saddened due to my condition before any life event. Besides which, I never have a sense of remorse because - if I get a sense that something will not be good for me - I don't do it. Even in those times where things don't pan out I don't regret - I may lament for a few moments and then move on. Can't change the facts. My trip out here is a great example. I felt before I left that coming out here wouldn't benefit me in a larger way. Since I have been here it has been tedious, I'm tired, I've been sick, caught in a snow storm and generally not done a ton of things. However, I did get to hang with my Bro and make some money. I suppose I don't feel the need to regret because I always find some facet of the given topic to glean knowledge from. Nothing was damaged long term; and I manipulated the circumstances I had before me to make things as enjoyable and beneficial as possible; while staying true to the "me" of me. There are many philosophies on regret; but the one I will stand by is regret is an emotion of victimization. Even if you blame yourself; that makes your past the aggressor and the present a victim. What point does that serve?

     Additionally, much like the mythological Phoenix, I have been birthed today through all of the horrors that left me a pile of ash in my past. Do I wish for the pain and suffering I had to endure to get to where I am today? No, I'm not a masochist. Do I appreciate things more and enjoy the simple parts of life more having lost everything (mind included)? Totally. Every time I accomplish a feat; find a new joy or experience a new event - at some point I reflect later on how things once were. Not how things "could have been", for there are a million roads I might have traveled instead. I can see where I was and it helps me to appreciate the present and what I have in this day. So many stay focused on regretting the past or fearing betrayals in the future to just rest in the present moment in peace. I may be naive, but rarely do I feel like people set OUT to hurt us; along the way agendas are formed and the natural byproduct of self actualization causes one person to momentarily lose sight of who is standing before them.Even through all of my heartache and suffering on this planet, I still believe in love. Giving myself over to another with no strings; no protections. I didn't fail. I hurt occasionally; but don't we all? I learned. I've grown. I'm a better person today for all the things I have become in love.... I am becoming. Will I ever become transcendent? How would I even know - what is there to compare it to? Much like everything else, everyone's powerful form is unique to them. All I can say is that in this day, I come in peace and feel I am the best self I can offer. Whenever you encounter me; you can be sure that I am what I portray - from the deepest part of me.
     
      I don't know many of you who read this every day. I only hope that my diatribes offer you some insight into other ways to handle this existence we all live. You are going to hurt; as REM once said - "Everybody hurts..... sometimes". Just make sure to feel every kiss; glow in the sun and cheer for every touchdown. Let joy overwhelm you...... sometimes.

Snow Dazed (Revenge of the Wet, White Blanket)

      So, I am still here in the SouthEast where the winter has decided to sock us with some of Mother Nature's frozen tears. How unfortunate..... I was hoping to fly out of here this weekend; but with the weather in this condition, at best I will be delayed; at worst flights will be canceled altogether. This is one of the unfortunate side effects of my job as a jester in the traveling circus, and a strong contributor to my decision of retiring from the road. The cold weather has made me sick and agoraphobic to boot; so I am hold up in the Marriott's generically warm corridors. (That wasn't SUPPOSED to sound naughty!) The service people here all know me by name and the wait staff knows my order upon entering the restaurant. While it is nice to have the "Norm" (where everybody knows your name....) effect with the staff; it is also a bit harrowing at times. Sometimes I don't want to take my Beats (C) off (more puns!) to converse with you; I just want to wander by as another face in the crowd. Part of the payment for an enjoyable Manic persona is the need to be always on; which can be incredibly exhausting when I am in a down mood. Cold weather bums me out; what can I say?
      I have, however, had some amazing adventures (and sorrowful reminders) handed to me here in Raleigh. It's a sad state of affairs when, in the current societal construct, being genuine and relatable garners contempt and scrutiny. Every kind word looked at as an attempt at flattery; every decent gesture is a reason to manipulate; being different does not allow you the right to act different without a wary eye. Sure, I can be a skeptic as much as the next guy, but I also take the moment to look upon the person in front of me in their individual glory and give them the chance to prove me wrong. Everyone wants to talk about racism, but the mistrust we have for each other as a nation is so far beyond only that. Sex. Religion. Financial realities. Segment of the nation. Hell, the more someone likes you, the more likely they are to treat you with indignation to avoid being taken advantage of (by someone who has never shown them reason for worry). Yet it is lamented time and again, "Where have all the good ones gone??" We are all right here, looking on with bemusement at some points; sorrow at others. If the person is worthy of it; we wait, seek to convince by proof that we are worthy of the next 60 years of their life. If not, we shake our heads at the prospect of a lifelong friend lost to immediate "security". It can't be shown enough in a life cycle - if you don't chance anything; the view from your seat never changes. If you want to live a life with memory, experience and passion; you have to be willing to hurt in order to sit across from the person who will help you trudge through the mud of this world to reach the scarlet forest. My sorrow is not for me; I have the best friends a man can ask. My sorrow is for you and knowing that we could have written a chapter in the book of fun..... the book everyone loves to read (or hear). Another set of faces pass me by, blinders firmly affixed, to continue their pursuit of the mystical friendship they won't allow for. An openness that resides just a step away - but the step into vulnerability is a large one.
     I have also again realized the undervalued currency that is time in my stay out east. The three hour difference from home (and my body clock!), the two hour difference from my University and the (almost) unbearable conundrum of sports that last until 10pm when I wake up at 5am every morning. Trying to balance all the things I need to do in a weeks time (and things I want to do!) is such a burden when I have to consider all the different time zones I am currently indebted to. On a positive note, my West Coast clock did allow me and my brother to shut down the club at 5am. That one is a bucket list item for sure! You haven't lived a full life until You have left at 5am to head to Denny's - with 4 hours sleep in 48. I wouldn't advise it to everyone; or every week; but just once.....  
     My time grows near. I left my heart in San Francisco, and it is time for me to welcome its return. There are parts of my trip I will take with me in sentimental shards, but I again am reminded of the beauty and wonder of home. I go home with a stronger purpose and appreciation of the place and people I love the most. Fire up the BrettMobile!

Strippers Say the Darndest Things!

A wraith sliding quickly, Against a background of darkness And spotlighted mayhem; Circling as a vulture Your prey in my grasp. With a "hello", the dance begins. A common occurrence in a Place of some ill repute, The beginning steps the same. Then, they rhythm changes You take me on a journey Of stars and ideals and wonder I join you in this quest, Willing participant to Philosophy in a place Of perpetuated perversion. Your eyes ask, "What are you doing here?" My actions respond, "Touche'". Your chair inches closer Captivated by my forethought Not by the usual finances. Sharing stories and ideas Our rhythm keeps you close Lost in who we are Not where we are A hawk glides in to Remind you that you have An offering to provide. "Go get your sacrifice," I say to you certainly. I will wait here. With a glance backward, A tender sadness crosses Your jaded visage. Fading into the shrouded chaos; A darkened Angel. Not one who fell to Earth, But one who takes this place Of sin and servitude And raises it to another plane; Another ideal; Another fantastic adventure.