It's So Easy, Any Man Can Do It!

      In an effort to moving into the next phase of my existence, I have being doing a lot of research on many different topics. There are a number of running themes through the various topics I have chosen to look into and pursue in the future. Whether the information is positive or negative proves to be a parallel to how beneficial the information might be.

      The first thing I notice is that stories told of success arevoid of many details. To hear the story progress, it almost seems as if the destiny of the individual talking was pre determined to end in wealth and prestige. The thoughts that led to taking the path less traveled is left ot of the equation; as is some of the risks taken that paid off. I don't feel the blueprint is hidden to the rest of us; I think it's just one of those things where the things that stick out on our journey are the ones that left an emotional impact - generally the down side leaves a lasting effect.

       The negatives and lessons learned seem to spill forth; painting a vivid picture of what seemed not to work in the person's climb to the top. It is certainly important to use these lessons as a springboard to something else; but I would also benefit from their successes as well. I don't wnat to follow the same pattern; but it helps me to know how I can do it my own way. It's still mine to be courageous and taking the chance; but who wouldn't want to use a previous case study to best plot out a plan of action? I'm not looking to be rish; or to have a life without trouble - I just want to get to a place where I feel like I am comfortable in all phases of my life. I don't feel like that is impossible - but the work thing has always been a bit more obtuse for me than it is for many. I can't find the path that leads me to that knowledge I need to get myself involved and engaged properly.

One a Day Keeps the Attorney Away

      You probably think this post is about a litle "bump 'n' grind", don'tcha? While there is certainly NOTHING wrong, "with a little bump and grind" (except maybe chafing), this post will run more to the unheralded aspects that get forgotten or misplaced over time. Sex is important in a long term commitment; but as Bush once sang, "it's the little thing's that kill".

      In case I haven't been completely transparent by now; I really like my wife. A LOT. Ultimately, I garner great reward in making this beautiful woman smile each day. That said, there are many subtle things that I make a big deal about and make sure to do to show how much she means to me. It's not that everyone doesn't have their "little things"; but as we stay in a monagomous relationship and face the day to day grind and fulfill our responsibilities : we all get tired. One night, we just don't have the energy to get off the couch to go to the bedroom. Then it's another night. In time, a pattern forms, and a spouse is wondering why (s)he is now sleeping many nights alone in their bedroom. Of such small things are problems borne. On top of that, it is a no win situation - it's difficult as a grown adult to look at someone and say, "I don't like you sleeping on the couch away from me." and feeling like you are going to be taken seriously. It IS serious, however. Then the doubts start to creep...

      We have to stay cognizant and consistent with our "little gifts" of affection to our spouse. I am not ashamed to admit that I want to kiss my wife good morning and good night every day. Some days we miss; and that's okay; but it's always worth it to make the effort. Not the perfunctory dismissive affection that you look away during - an eye to eye smooch each morning that shows how happy I am to see her. So often, we as couples begin to eschew these tender moments; and it is so easy to do. It becomes like the furniture - a gesture in the background that is required - but it loses it's thoughtfullness and meaning. I always keep the emotion of how overjoyed I am to see this woman at the forefront of my thoughts. It helps me grunt myself off of the ottoman to go into the bedroom and kiss her into the night. Don't let the magic disapate - the hundreth kiss can mean every bit as much as the first one - with the idea in your mind that it is the same thing. The wife teases me about my liplock fascination; but I am certain she would notice if I started getting away from it. Wondering if I still felt the same. Or was I "settling into a rut". It's okay to become comfortable. It's not okay to "mail it in". Keep the passion for what (and who) you are doing ladies and gents! :)

     Sports (dramas for the ladies) is another of those places where relationships can go askew. I love me some sports, people: Football, Hockey, Basketball, Baseball - even pro wrestling. (Exhibition/ sport/ whatever). In a previous relationship, it was well known that you may as well count me persona non grata every Sunday in the fall and winter. What did that action relay to the other person? That Football was more important than she was. In that particular case, that was an accurate statement, but it's still not what we want to relay to other human beings. When it comes to my wife, I always make sure to ask if she would like to watch something else; willing to discuss and work things out so that I might watch the games I am dying to see; but not become a "TV commando". Same with her interests - we watch the news and Today show every morning because that is her thing! A loving spouse isn't going to make you sacrifice something you enjoy for NO reason - and as a loving person you have to be willing to sacrifice that thing FOR a good reason. Date night is one that immediately comes to mind - there have been countless times where date night, or a night at her mom's, or movie night, or a bike ride have overtaken any sport on TV. Time with the wife is far and away better than time staring at a TV. There have even been times where I have offered to go to the pub to watch or found alternative ideas to keep from boring her. Yet she remains and we always work it out. Nothing should ever be more important than time with your spouse and finding ways to agree on the actions within your relationship. Once you go into business for yourself, a couple becomes dueling factions. Compromise and conquer.

     Chores is another big one. You come home late because there was an accident on the freeway and you are met by your wife at the door. You kiss hello and head to the bedroom to change when you realize that dinner is not in the works. You lie down on the bed knowing that it is Monday and trash has to be taken out; but you just aren't feeling up to it. What happens next can make all the difference. You can "rise up", find the eye of the tiger, get the trash done and order Chinese; you can sit in bed to the point where she comes to "remind you" it's trash day and you say something snide about "dinner hour"; or you can just tell her if she wants to do it - get on that. You don't have the energy to do it right now. These options may seem funny; but I have seen (and even done in the past) variations of these reactions when it comes to doing the things in every day life that aren't as glorious. It's another example of making the whole less than the sum of its parts. If you don't just get the job done; either you are going to drive a rift in between you (for the evening or longer) or your wife will just do it (leaving you to feel bad and/ or her resentful). It's whart we signed on for; folks. "For better or worse". The overlying reponsibility should always be to what is going to make the most people content at a given time.

     Many of us believe a relationship is something we are "in" - like an umbrella two people have chosen to share. If I don't like sharing your umbrella; I can get my own and walk beside you - but the dynamic has changed. I look at my marriage as a creation of my wife and I - akin to a child we created and want to nurture and put ahead of my own selfish needs. I created this (with her), I have given my word to honor and respect it, and it is a part of me - not I a part of it. Perception can make all the difference - I don't feel the same desire to satiate a club I'm a part of as I do to please the family I made. There are a thousand more examples of ways we betray our little rituals, but the key to it all( for me) is to not lose sight of what started this journey. THe idea isn't to lure the other person in with false pretenses and then shift back to what you know. The idea is to change to become something greater and share that with your partner; each and every day.

     

It Ain't Easy, Being Green....

     After such a heavy blog as the one I spent all weekend crafting; I feel a lighter one is in order. That said, the big news of the day is: I got a bike!! No tassles or banana seats (but I do have a panda bear with blinky lights on my handlebars. State regulation?). I am not going "green" as much as looking for an enjoyable way to move about the City (with bike lanes aplenty) while also getting off my fat tush to burn some of the limitless energy I consume through sodas and steaks. What's old is new again.....

     I've always enjoyed biking. In my hometown, there was a lot less traffic than here in San Francisco, and biking was a relatively safe and easy endeavor. A good way to get around; a great way to look good (especially in spandex!); a phenominal way to enjoy the outdoors while being able to accomplish movement toward a destination. I've missed it for too long, and at 40 I have finally returned back to that glorious time (minus the spandex) of exploration and (some) good health. I will never be "bike guy" - spandexed gladiator with shining helmet and special "bike only" shoes - sucking down a green smoothie while cutting off cars in traffic - but I do hope to regain my proficiency as an amatuer cyclist. I'd like to regain my wind and (some) of my sleeker torso to please my lady (and my pants waist). Biking in the city will prove an exciting challenge (to my mortality?), but one well worth the reward!

     The wife also obtained a bike of her own; so we have each other to motivate us when we are having a tiresome day. Not everyone is like this; but I am one of these people that needs a "workout buddy", it is so easy to just come home and change into sweat pants and get lured in by the "Scrubs" marathon on channel 732. It's nice to have someone I rely on - and from whom I am relied upon - to accomplish the goal of good health/ stress release/ bringing sexy back. Someone who will cll me and say, "I know you're tired, but let's go for just an hour or so." It's harder to say no to a compadre than it is to the television's gentle allure. The wife feels she also is in need of some better habits; so we have set aside time and goals for the year to really motivate us toward not letting this fall into the land of "new year's resolutions" - the place where good ideas (and habits) go to die under the weight of great expectations. (Pun intended). This is going to be great for us; another fantastic hobby we can share and grow in.... and from.

     I am excited for my coming bicycling adventures. Despite the traffic, there aren't many better places to have a bike than here - with the bike lanes and pedestrain powered cross walks. I'm happy to have my hobby back; riding a bike is working out (physical) that rewards my add (psychological) and allows me time and space to think (mental). Just have to remember to avoid bumpy roads. :)

In A Sense

      Despite what we think as a society, school shootings have long been a part of the fabric of our culture in the United States. For whatever reason, out lineage of children and weapons seems to far outweigh those of our neighbors worldwide. Lost in the tragedy surrounding a child gone too far is often the leadup to horror and the aftermath left in their wake. A question to be asked about the escalating violence of recent times is - how much responsibility do adults play in prevention (or even escalation) of this plague?

     A parents responsibility to their child starts well before their child reaches "critical mass". The first responsibility is realizing there can never truly be a "bully free" zone. The excuse of these murders is bullying; but kids have been "bullied" for decades. Like any other form of society, there is a heirarchy that will have people of all kinds - including jerk kids that torment their classmates about their bodily differences, perceived intelligence or just general personality disparities. No amount of school "Supervision" will ever be able to catch it all - in fact accusing others of mistreatment is a very slippery slope towards another form of abuse. People aren't just. Life is not always a level playing field. Rather than teaching our children that a certain set of characterisitics will keep them safe; it is a better option to teach them to be resilient. Illustrate that life isn't fair; but teach them to think critically and move past the situation. With a belief in justice; a vigilante mindset can arise.

      Another place where kids seem to be harboring unrealistic expectations (as of late) seems to be in the arena of neededing a relationship - in High School! I was also interested in dating and having a girlfriend - but never to the point of violence! In the past year we have had two rampages from boys scorned....unfathomable. What an incredible sense of despair one must carry to want to hurt someone physically for not wanting to date. What beliefs are we extolling as a society to where this would be a progressive step towards madness? Love hurts at times.... but should it ever kill? Are kids today so disconnected and incredibly alone?

      Lost in all of this is the understanding that all of the individuals that wind up in these situations distributing death is that - somewhere they are obviously mentally disturbed. There is no making sense of such wonton acts of aggression; but how are so many slipping past those they are close to? Have family values fallen so far that people can't sense or understand when their children are descending into madness? On that point, guidance counselors are nice; but it may be time to institute a class for teaching pre teens and teens how to handle the stressors they all wade through in our modern society. Continuing to ignore the lesson being played out before us on an annual basis is a fools errand. Mandatory counseling group; buddy system - something to access more kids and give people a heads up to when someone is slipping from the mental safety zone. Metal detectors are fine and good - but it is time for us to "get ahead" of these troubled individuals BEFORE they start acting out.

      Adults are not left with their hands clean in this mess. How are these kids getting weapons? I don't know that there is a black market for teen and weapons; so my primary belief is that these kids are accessing these weapons in their environments outside of campus. Be it their own home or a friends home; adults are apparently leaving weapons available for young hands to acquire. So many times, the belief is there kid is responsibe and would never enact Death's Hand by harming others. It's a wonderful belief; but so many studies prove the drastic differences in people's mindsets and actions when they are in the grips of depression - or worse. So many of these stories begin with "how nice a young man" the perpetrator was..... enough's enough. I am a large and loud believer in our second amendment rights as American citizens. That does not, however, forego our responsibility to keep our commmunities and homes safe from an act of internal terrorism. It is time for adults to take more precautions with instruments of destruction. Or the time may come where society turns and our right to  arms is taken to protect the greater good.

     The last people I take issue with is our wonderful media and the 24 hours news channel desire for sensationalism. People point to video games as a reason for our kids being exposed to more violence now than ever; but what mesage are we sending with unending coverage of these tragedies? Gun violence is definitely a quest for power; so when a child sees the world in the grips of another story of horror, what are they to think about to power their ctions could create? Young minds are inexperiences - so many of them take their lives after inititiating these actions towards their schoolmates and realizing there is no way out. Even if it was the intent from the beginning - it is unthinkable. A child taking their own life is tragic. A child taking others lives is demonic.

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      There are many stories that lead to these moments of terror that are becoming uncomfortably common. There is no excusing the catalysts to a breakdown; but as a nation we have to accept what can be realistically contained and what is a knee jerk reaction to things that will be monitored but never truly come to an end. The time has come to lay these moments to rest; only by taking a hard look in the mirror as adults and caretakers about our responsibility in these occurences will lead to a change. I hope for our kids sake that we can do it. The victims of these tragedies number many - and at the end of it all stands parents crying for the children they have lost. Who can't understand an image like that? 

Evolution of a Free Spirit

      As I sat on the couch with my wife today, talking to my college counselor, a light spark traveled from my ear to the base of my skull, down to my chest. I am at the crux of the life I refused to claim for so long. WIth the words, "You are enrolled....", I could see a horizon with new adventures and new beginnings for this old man. 

      Growing up, it had always frustrated me to watch a society - with schools, peers, parents and media - that pushed us all to find a way to fit into the same mold. Personalities forsaken; desires extinguished; skill sets forsaken. In order to become a meaningful participant in society; you were tasked with getting good grades in school, immediately moving into college and more learning, and moved right out into the world as cattle #54689. I didn't want that for myself. Success in my mind was not predicated on getting "the" job or making the most money. My heros were not based on their power or financial status; my heros were gleaned from those society viewed as different - those who had chose to stand for their own unique brand and personality. I spent many lonely hours getting to the core of who I am as a human being in order to best identify what I was and what I could give to the world - not what I needed to be in order to fill my "spot". In that vein, I have not changed. I place my worth to people on the good I can do more than the money I can make - and I still admire those who dare to be different.

      However, as the old saying goes - "Money talks; bullshit walks." As I inched into adulthood with the prospects of a family, it was obvious I would have to get finances from SOMEWHERE. With that fact in mind, I insisted on taking menial jobs - my diploma only allowed me certain access that everyone around me thought my "intelligence" should exceed. To my mind, I wasn't going to be another "sellout" - a college educated, smarmy egotist wearing my tie to work to be just another cog in the corporate machine. Sure, I needed to feed my family (and barter is no longer a viable option in modern America), but I was going to do it in a job as the common man! By the dirt on my hands and sweat on my brow; I would show that I earned my money through my toil and perseverance. I was still allowed to be me; as long as I stocked the shelves. I worked to work; and in turn got paid - but the work was the goal.

     It's funny how life begins to lead us when we refuse its gentle urgings. Fate. God's Will. Opportunity. Call it what you will, but it definitely shows through. If you choose to ignore the gifts; at some point you are looking to be the victim. Or have a pronounced fear of success. So, from an ad in the paper I land a technical job with one of the major companies in industry. I am asked to wear collared shirts and take on additional duties. Eventually, I am in a place of leadership with others who look to me for guidance. With a TIE. Over and over throughout the years; whatever it is that I am as a person has escalated me to greater and grander heights. It's easy to preach the gospel of "not selling out" when you are speaking in hushed tones to the mirror. When I became a sounding board for others; I didn't see the fairness in counseling them down from their dream of "joining the machine". They had a right to their definition of success - just as I had mine. In fact, as I progressed through the years and realized how much more difficult my lack of learning had made things; I began to wonder if there was another way for me to encapsulate success as well.

      Age isn't always wisdom; but with age I came to realize I could place myself into the machine and still maintain my self in the process. I have come to the epiphany that making a stand doesn't define you as an individual - it's the way you treat those around you; your ability to adapt and overcome life's question; the way you are true to your SELF while also fitting in with the numerous personalities and experiences that our peers present. Being an orginal is my definition - telling off color jokes in "power meetings"; finding the inspiration for books in the most interesting places; being willing to make decisions "on the fly" and stand by the outcome - no matter the ultimate conclusion. I define mysef very clearly in my words and deeds - this much is very apparent. Can everybody? I don't know. It takes a true sense of self to just be "in the moment" and always feel like the time is appropriately yours - a testament to your innocence. With my last career step, I was able to climb to heights that a younger me could never have fathomed - and an older me sees as the crossroads of a career that has run on talent alone.

      As with many of life cycles, I am shedding my old "skin" of expectations and assumptions; finally becoming the last of my childhood boogeymen. I will be a college student in the coming days - not to make more money or gain a better title; but because I feel I can make a better place of this world. I have realized in growing older that life is all about legacy - what are future generations going to remember about me? Did I do my best to leave my own novel that would be worth writing? With every smile, every kiss, every "I love you"; my personal legacy is more grandiose and illuminating. Now I want to expand my influence - I want to make a difference that is felt on more than just a limited local level. I want to develop or change or speak for an ideal that will make everyone feel better that I existed at all. Truly, I am - and that is the wonder. Whether I write the book that changes percetions; or acquire a degree and use it to better someone's day; or I just continue to proclaim to everyone I meet that what is in them is a many splendored thing - I will become. 

     Won't you join me?

It Will Officially be the Future When We ALL Have Phasers

     What an amazing time we live in today. Modern Society allows us an invisible link to all things at almost any time. As is often the case; that which builds can destroy - but it still boggles the mind to think how far the world has advanced. I cannot imagine where we wil be a scant quarter century from now.

     Today, I completed my documents online to officially attend school in the coming months. I was reminded of the horror stories of my youth when the prospective college students were buried under paperwork, scholarship essays, self addressed stamped envelopes and researching different colleges and courses at the library. Today, from the comfort of my home, I was able to do all that on my wireless connection on my laptop computer while communicating with a college counselor on my cell phone. There may be something to be said for the amount of toil creating a stronger appreciation for the ultimate result; but why suffer just to accomplish a moral victory? It allows many more people access to these things they didn't always have the time and patience to pursue. Incliuding me.

      I was also struck today with how the OVER abundance of the internet could still lead many to pursue traditional sources like books, magazines and experience. There are so many varying opinions and opinions posed as fact that it can become dizzying trying to research niche ideas and topics that are emotionally charged in some fashion. Addiitionally, the integrity of the peace is often in question with the varying skill levels of many internet writers. A "good ol' fashioned" book is still a labor of love (in many cases) that take time, effort, revision and an approval process to get out to the masses. E-Books notwithstanding, dealing with a publisher and angling to be released through traditional book sellers seems to provide a better caliber of book. For now.

     Another thing modern technology allows for is the possibility of a world with minimal crime. The fact is that NOTHING in todays America (and spots throughout the World) goes on without the hint of technology being there to record the event. Crazy will always be crazy; so there is no way we can every fully hope to eliminate bad things happening to the rest of us. However, at some point all this random, spur-of-the-moment convenience crimes will end when people of questionable character realize the odds are that they will be discovered - by video, dna, computer research or "traffic light camera". I don't know if the long feared thought police will ever come to pass; but judging on the current day; I wouldn't bet against it. 

     The juxtaposition in all this is how the primary tragedies in modern culture come from when Techniology fails us or is used against us. Data breaches take the traditional identity theft and make it possible to ruin a series of lives in one fail swoop. Planes crash or just disappear out of thing air; cars are being recalled for any of a number of potentially hazardous failings; the government is finding next and exotic ways to use technology to control and monitor us. It would be very simple to make the obligatory 1984 reference; but I think that, is left unchecked, it could become something far sinister to that. When the Xbox One came out, my best friend and I made a number of jokes about how this machine can do so many things by voice - an ever growing mechanism to keep us sedentary and depedent on a machine. It seems alarmist or far fetched to say so; but consider what we as a NAtion have become with two simple innovations : the remote control and cell phones. When was the last time ANYBODY climbed out of their seat to change a channel? How many people even remember the days of local channels and turning the knob for your channel? Or who can recall waiting at home for a call to come? So many today cannot fathom the idea of having to wait to communicate - with texting and calling from anywhere and emails - nothing is needed to fulfill immediate gratification. Ironically, as we are able to complete tasks more rapidly; many feel there is never enough time to do the things they want to do. Our tools are forcing us to aspire to do too much and causing us to tear ourselves down from the inside.

      Technology and society moving forward is a much needed catalyst in our evolution as a species. What was once man acquiring fire and later gunpowder will one day be looked upon as this transition in our civilizations' growth. More than ever, people have an opportunity to experince more and do more than at any time in the history of mankind. It is also imperative for us all to grow ourselves as human beings and people; not to just rely on the external stimulus that moves us through the minutes and days of our lives.

       Days of Our Lives. Heh.

Who Wants to PARTY??

      Apparently, the idea of people celebrating birthdays no longer includes the age old "party". It's odd how something that was a celebration for a person on their day of becoming has now become an albatross many seek to avoid. Either the hesitation is from not wanting to be the center of attention; or from never really having that celebratory component growing up; or just a simple question of finances - so often these days people want to keep it low key. A cake and a few friends is a large event. I will admit that I am one of those people - I had like 2 "parties" growing up; and I always felt out of place. The question, I suppose, has become:

      If so few really want a party; why is it an accepted part of our expectations?

     

      In some ways, I think the party is for those people in your life to take one day to give you all their attention and to celebrate you; but if you are giving them attention and caring year round - it almost becomes a parody to then string up letters and fire confetti cannons and invite every single person the birthday person knows for (at best) free or (at worst) shared cost yumyumming. Often, the many facets of our life do not mingle except in these extreme circumstances; and the association tends to be awkward and forced for most. Besides which; everyone has their own relationships with the person being celebrated; but generally one person's (or group's) vision becomes the rule of the day.Like many other custom's lost to a time long past (pet rock anyone? Cootie shot?) I think the birthday party has become an expectation mired in the pretense of being the most important person in the world - even if for just one day.

      Birthday twinkies for ALL!!

Write Now....

     I have a thing for punny song titles......

     Dollface, this one might be tough for you to read; so perhaps you should not...

     Right now, I am with my Darling one over Mom's house doing relaxing. The family thing; even. It's such wonderfully boring beauty..... nothing missing. Nothing wasted. If I were to die right now; I would walk (Float? Shuffle? Waltz?) into the After Life with a huge smile on my face. I have reached that dutiful NIrvana that an only be found with the right person at the right point in life. The unventful everything that makes the most simple moment complete. It's one thing to accept death as inevitable; it's another to accept the life you have has reached the place where Death is not a fear - because you have seen the horizon. Or the Blinky Lights of Techno Strip clubbing. Or the gentle train through the Redwoods on a brisk Autumn day. 

     A look to my love makes me feel.... complete. Peaceful. Thankful. Thanksgiving is among us; and my bevy of thanks grows exponentially - Wife, friends, life events. I look forward to standing in front of my loved ones and thanking each of them for blessing me with their company and their loyalty. All too often it is lost in daily movement to just stop a minute and say thanks to those we love - just because they love us and support us so well doesn't minimize the desire to acknowledge their gifts.

      There was a time in the distant past when I wondered if anyone would attend my funeral when I died. For many years, I imagined a lonesome event where no one would notice or mourn my passing. A casket of one on a dim day under clouse with no one to identify that i had existed at all. I still can't imagine a parade of sentiment; but at long last I can imagine that I would have at least a baseball team's worth of send off. It's a lovely distinction; a sign of how far I have come - and the people I choose to associate with. Thank you all. 

Something More

Life blood

A need for something different

Excitement

An inner yearning for

Stimulation

A desire to be 

More than where we are now.

"In a rut" is historic

The collective moments

Of the same

Overwhelm;

Drive us to look for

Ways to grow ourselves

Through experience

And enjoyment.

Burning Hammer

      Sometimes, all you can do is push through and hope that life's forces reward you for persevering. There isn't always a way for you to overcome. Laying down to die isn't always an alternative at your disposal. More often than not in life, I have learned you just have to stand as strong as you can while life pummels you with a plethora of little abuses or one big hammer. There isn't always a better way. "You live and you learn"; a philosophical way of saying you get out of the situation any way you can with your self intact and hope that next time there will be the slightest window for you to escape from. Justice is not promised; very often in the modern day it is not even clearly decipherable.

      There are times you just have to shut up; stand down and take what's coming.

       In the end, isn't that what faith is all about? 

Two With You

     The past few days have beeen a little stressful with my dollface and I; but we came through it okay like we always do. Whenever we are at odds, I am always reminded how much happiness and tranquility she brings to this battered heart of mine. I cannot say enough how much finding her after 38 years of searching for ANY sense of peace has been miraculous. Even with full knowledge of my shortcomings, my irritations and my weaknesses; she finds a way to love me. My humanity limits me from being so much more for her - I want to give her every happiness I can muster. At times, however, my pride or ego or selfishness slide in the side and skew my perception of what my heart knows. I will never be the greatest person. I will never be the kindest individual. I am certainly not the brightest bulb. I just hope I can live up to being the Husband she waited so long for. In time, I hope to become the man she can be proud of; that she can lean on; that brings her happiness in his every thought, movement, emotion and relation. 

     I want to (Someday) die knowing without a shadow of a doubt that I made the world a much better place for her.

     Hummingbird, come and let me share my world with you. Show me the Smile of God.

Rest

Hush now

Gentle whirring softly

A quick kiss

The void fills with

Dancing players

To tell a story of

Redemption

Close yourself to

The lights and whistles

Settle gently into

A warm embrace

Lightly covered in sand

Feel your mass increase

Sink down into the 

Forever

Rise up into

The night

Quietly, quietly,

Give yourself over

To

Imagination....

What a Difference a Day Makes!

       Yesterday was pole dancing; tonight was a celebration of Spanish dance (for Spanish Day, I believe...) with a highlight on my wife (and our best friends) particular Love - ME! I mean, Flamenco! For the uninitiated, Flamenco is the traditional style of dance associated with a lot of the polka dot outfits and such we all saw growing up watching movies. If you have never had a chance, you should really go to youtube and check it out. The dnce style can be powerful, graceful, playful, somber or celbrational - all in one performance.I am admittedly not a dancer; nor a dance afficianado; but it entertains me greatly to watch my wife, friends and their classmates practice to perform this skill in a set. More than likely, there are even classes in your area where you can go to learn this dance yourself. Do yourself a favor and broaden your horizons with just one dance video - I promise you will find more....

      In addition to the Arts of the evening, we also got a chance to hang out with our best friends. It's so magical when you find a person that you can just be in the moment and vibe with - it's even better when it's three other people like I have. The wife is amazing, the woman in the couple we hang with is so carefree, daring and determined - she has helped me feel like I could pursue a diferent course than most; and the guy is just like me as I was 15 years ago - sharp, funny, artistic, searching.It's exciting to share my knowledge with them but also to learn from them as well. When we all come together; things just..... happen. No subject is too sensitive; no joke is "too far"; No pretense is needed - just a shared honesty and enjoyment of being around each other and being "safe" to be who we are at any moment. No matter what any day brings, I cannot count myself as anything but blessed with the amazing set of friends I have found; the wife I yearned decades for; and the son I waited a lifetime for. Life is not often easy; but having these people in my circle makes me know that The Lord has seen fit to bless me with riches that money cannot buy or even compare to. None of you may ever see this blog; but I thank you all for being awesome; and I love you all for being you.

Of Boobs and Men

      Tonight, my wife and I went to a strip club (Why yes, I do have the greatest wife ever) to see the "Miss Nude San Francisco" be crowned. It was quite an event, with strippers from other clubs nearby all competing with the "Home Club" girl for the title. (Is that something you can put on your resume?) As the wife called early, the fix was in, and other more talented dancers took a back seat to home field advantage. The real draw, I think, was that girls from other clubs got to come in and be seen - kind of free publicity and a way for the girls from outside to make a quick buck. The "crowning" was an afterthought; it was kind of a "Stripper sampler" in some ways.....

      My wife gets it. In so many ways - due to maturity or life experiences (or lack thereof) or just a natural desire to play - she not only indulges theses yearnings to take her to the land of naked people; I feel as if she has found her own way to enjoy it along with me. Judging dancers; discussing outfits; watching the mouth breathers stare at the lightning quick fantasies playout on stage - there are many topics we find a middle ground in. Women so often want to deny mens natural urgings at the risk of being uncomfortable; without thinking about what EVERYONE'S natural reflex is when told "no". It is important that everyone in a relationship be able to be fully honest; or soon distrust and secrets arise.

      With that said; if guys want there wives to push their boundaries; it is up to us to make them feel safe and protected by us. I never miss an opportunity in real life (not just at the club) to comment how attractive my wife is or how irreplaceable she is. It does not diminish me in any way to admit that I need her and could NEVER find another woman to hold a candle to her. No matter how many lap dances I ever get or how many boobs I see bouncing on stage; my wife will always be the only item on my list of women to be intimate with. We just can't expect that women will want to go to strip clubs or do kinky things or even attend sporting events because that is what we want. We are men and they are different - that's what we love about them. You have to recognize their discomfort and do everything you can to let your wife know she is safe in that environment - and then be sure to always thank her for doing these wonderful things with you. In time, if she finds her own niche interests, then encourage that and try to nurture that - my wife has taken things I am interested in and studied a different way of looking at them and inevitably taught ME a thing or two about my passions.

     Who could ask for a better partner than that?

     About the club - it was a silly place! (Monty Python reference). No, it was actually a fun night - although the atmosphere was..... different. As soon as we walked in we were approached by a cute girl who ogled at my wife for a bit before offering to show us around. We got the grand tour and the night was off and running. I have noticed that when I am with my wife; I am not hassled by the strippers as much - and when they do approach, it is for her. BONUS. A lot of the girls at this club were very..... plain. Some pudgy, some grouchy looking, some small chested, a few "bolt ons" - it was nice to see real women with real bodies dancing. I know the fantasy is part of the sexual turn on for a lot of guys at clubs - but that's never been why I go. I like to deal with these girls as people - just like everyone else. I like when they talk real; I like when they look real. That's just me. My wife was the hottest girl in the place; with her clothes ON, and that is what really turned me on. I definitely married a physically, mentally and emotionally awesome juggernuat. With each passing woman I meet; it only confirms it more....

The Power of Persuasion

      For someone who prides himself on a large vocabulary (it's for more than just writing, folks), I have this nasty little habit of forgetting TONE can mean so much. The same words with a different inflection creates a whole new environment during a discussion. Even the love of my life is not immune - when we start going back and forth and the answer seems SO SIMPLE to me; I tend to forget that - for all of her amazing attributes - her ability to be NOT ME is one of her greatest talents. (Two of me would be a bad thing in one house) In forgetting, apparently I subconciously climb on my "That's so EASY" soapbox and turn from partner to "prophet". It seems to just sneak in to my voice - in my eyes (or ears, as it were) - the things I am saying are coming forth the same as when the talk began. However, when I look to her, it becomes apparent as her demeanor and tone change as well. In the good moments, she makes me aware of my folly and I am able to apologize and take back control from the "Auto-pilot Papacy" I have fallen in to. Other times, she gives as good as she's getting; and things crumble under the weight of ego.

        The hard part of this is the generally held belief by many when I slide into this state of being is that I am looking to crush the other side in my desire to be "right". In honesty, it is a matter of becoming irritated at having to restate my point; not considering why the other party to the conversation cannot comprehend what seems so simple to me. This is not the right way..... logically I know how silly that sounds - we are all different and we all see things from different views with different eyes. However, in the heat of the moment, logic apparently can give way to pride; and it is a shame.

         I love you dollface. I am sorry! :*

What is Love?

      Age old question or keen 90's song?

 

                (I totally owned this cassette in the day...)

      What does love amount to in the modern world? It's so easy to say you love so many things that will no longer be relevant in six months..... but people fall victim to the idea so often. This especially applies when it comes to matters of relationships and family. We have been put in a position to be harried to get to the goal of being SOMEONE's "someone". Love isn't about finding who you can deal with; it's finding who you can't be without. I had to learn this lesson; it's a tough one to take. A love of convenience will provide some moments of joy, but many more moments of something within you that's "not quite right". The sincere form of love intended for you makes you feel so ALIVE.... in every moment an adventure; in the dark moments it hurts TO NOT BE HAPPY.  It's a huge sacrifice to give up ill feelings in the name of that special something that is so much greater. Many people can't do it. They are left with a feeling that it's too good to be true - so they sabotage themselves. The eternal "one that got away" is more often driven away by acts of protecting ones self when you feel "control" of your heart slipping away. In order to love; you must go all in. Risk it all to get it all.

      

     There is no other way.

Sex Done Right

     A lot of things lately have been related to the tender oneness of a man and a woman; and it has made me really think about how amazing sex can be when done right. I'm no religuos moralizer; but I think the answer is clear:

Sex is done best when two people are in love.

     There is certainly a place for the animalistic sex that attraction brings. There is a way to have sex for fun and it still be good. Hell, I've even done it because there's NOTHING that is beter to kill time than a wham-bam. (If you take longer than 5 minutes) However, to get it to it's most toe-curlingest; heart racingest; after sex glowingest best - love is it, people. Love brings with it all the things that make sex awesome - comfort, security, openness, a need to please - and of course, our diddly parts. It's about being comfortable enough to take the time to truly enjoy the experience; not get on with the act to "squirt" across the finish line. I have never sought to rush sex - it's so amazing enjoying the woman of my dreams - her delicate curves, her gorgeous face, the way her body moves just so when we are riding to the crest of intimacy. Sex is (to me) a very physical form of love, appreciation and wonder.... magic in modern times.

     Please let me know what your thoughts are! Have a great night - and good sexing!! 

A Good Time Had By All

     What a fantastic weekend. I'm tired and happy.... but work returns tomorrow. Tip for aspiring writers - write a little something every day! Reality for aspiring writers - it's harder than it seems! All day my mind is running and so much crosses my mind - like all of us - but when I get tired or "have" to sit down and write something - this is what  I get. A step above gibberish. :i

They can't all be the Illiad, I suppose..... 

So, You Think You Can Write?

      Yes, I think I can. What an exciting moment today - I got my first call from a potential publisher talking about the many services they provide for aspiring authors such as myself. Sure, it will cost me to use their services; but feeling that my dream could inevitably become a reality is a fantastic thing! There are many people who feel they have a story to share with the masses - in this way, I am no different than many. I am willing to step up and take the chance, though. Front my own money. Perhaps one day I can have publishing firms fronting me money for future books and make a career of this. For today, my goal is much more quaint - I want to leave some small token that I existed. I could forever be in the Library of Congress as a published author! No matter how good or how bad this all turns out to be; it will be mine and will be eternal.

      Do you ever dream of writing? A book? Poetry? A screenplay? Any ideas of what you would like to see written? Are blogs the new books? So many things to consider - but so many stories begin with just taking a chance. The one break that takes a hundred failures to accomplish. This may ultimately go "nowhere". I might never be the next big thing. But..... How many people get to say they were able to create something for public consumption?

     I am still in the early stages; despite all this excitment. I have multiple ideas; but no book. I'm gaining knowledge; but no closer to an actual written tome. Finding time is difficult in moments, but once I start, I feel like it will flow quickly.

     I hope this works out....

Today is the day....

     Where I can only muster a few words. The week has gone well, and the weekend is upon us. I will continue this commitment with my blog unbroken as long as I can....!!

Gangsterism.....

     This title came from a great word I heard in a movie today. :) Anyway; I am trying very hard to do things in my life that will make my wife happy and keep up my part of our progressing into an amazing future. She always says I should do things for me and not her..... but what she doesn't see is that wanting to do it for her - the want is still within ME. I want many things.... but ultimately the want always comes back to being better for her, for us, for me. If I fail to keep an eye on the overall outcome for us both; that is where many of us tend to fall into a trap of avarice or selfishness. I want for the greater good.....