In case I haven't been completely transparent by now; I really like my wife. A LOT. Ultimately, I garner great reward in making this beautiful woman smile each day. That said, there are many subtle things that I make a big deal about and make sure to do to show how much she means to me. It's not that everyone doesn't have their "little things"; but as we stay in a monagomous relationship and face the day to day grind and fulfill our responsibilities : we all get tired. One night, we just don't have the energy to get off the couch to go to the bedroom. Then it's another night. In time, a pattern forms, and a spouse is wondering why (s)he is now sleeping many nights alone in their bedroom. Of such small things are problems borne. On top of that, it is a no win situation - it's difficult as a grown adult to look at someone and say, "I don't like you sleeping on the couch away from me." and feeling like you are going to be taken seriously. It IS serious, however. Then the doubts start to creep...
We have to stay cognizant and consistent with our "little gifts" of affection to our spouse. I am not ashamed to admit that I want to kiss my wife good morning and good night every day. Some days we miss; and that's okay; but it's always worth it to make the effort. Not the perfunctory dismissive affection that you look away during - an eye to eye smooch each morning that shows how happy I am to see her. So often, we as couples begin to eschew these tender moments; and it is so easy to do. It becomes like the furniture - a gesture in the background that is required - but it loses it's thoughtfullness and meaning. I always keep the emotion of how overjoyed I am to see this woman at the forefront of my thoughts. It helps me grunt myself off of the ottoman to go into the bedroom and kiss her into the night. Don't let the magic disapate - the hundreth kiss can mean every bit as much as the first one - with the idea in your mind that it is the same thing. The wife teases me about my liplock fascination; but I am certain she would notice if I started getting away from it. Wondering if I still felt the same. Or was I "settling into a rut". It's okay to become comfortable. It's not okay to "mail it in". Keep the passion for what (and who) you are doing ladies and gents! :)
Sports (dramas for the ladies) is another of those places where relationships can go askew. I love me some sports, people: Football, Hockey, Basketball, Baseball - even pro wrestling. (Exhibition/ sport/ whatever). In a previous relationship, it was well known that you may as well count me persona non grata every Sunday in the fall and winter. What did that action relay to the other person? That Football was more important than she was. In that particular case, that was an accurate statement, but it's still not what we want to relay to other human beings. When it comes to my wife, I always make sure to ask if she would like to watch something else; willing to discuss and work things out so that I might watch the games I am dying to see; but not become a "TV commando". Same with her interests - we watch the news and Today show every morning because that is her thing! A loving spouse isn't going to make you sacrifice something you enjoy for NO reason - and as a loving person you have to be willing to sacrifice that thing FOR a good reason. Date night is one that immediately comes to mind - there have been countless times where date night, or a night at her mom's, or movie night, or a bike ride have overtaken any sport on TV. Time with the wife is far and away better than time staring at a TV. There have even been times where I have offered to go to the pub to watch or found alternative ideas to keep from boring her. Yet she remains and we always work it out. Nothing should ever be more important than time with your spouse and finding ways to agree on the actions within your relationship. Once you go into business for yourself, a couple becomes dueling factions. Compromise and conquer.
Chores is another big one. You come home late because there was an accident on the freeway and you are met by your wife at the door. You kiss hello and head to the bedroom to change when you realize that dinner is not in the works. You lie down on the bed knowing that it is Monday and trash has to be taken out; but you just aren't feeling up to it. What happens next can make all the difference. You can "rise up", find the eye of the tiger, get the trash done and order Chinese; you can sit in bed to the point where she comes to "remind you" it's trash day and you say something snide about "dinner hour"; or you can just tell her if she wants to do it - get on that. You don't have the energy to do it right now. These options may seem funny; but I have seen (and even done in the past) variations of these reactions when it comes to doing the things in every day life that aren't as glorious. It's another example of making the whole less than the sum of its parts. If you don't just get the job done; either you are going to drive a rift in between you (for the evening or longer) or your wife will just do it (leaving you to feel bad and/ or her resentful). It's whart we signed on for; folks. "For better or worse". The overlying reponsibility should always be to what is going to make the most people content at a given time.
Many of us believe a relationship is something we are "in" - like an umbrella two people have chosen to share. If I don't like sharing your umbrella; I can get my own and walk beside you - but the dynamic has changed. I look at my marriage as a creation of my wife and I - akin to a child we created and want to nurture and put ahead of my own selfish needs. I created this (with her), I have given my word to honor and respect it, and it is a part of me - not I a part of it. Perception can make all the difference - I don't feel the same desire to satiate a club I'm a part of as I do to please the family I made. There are a thousand more examples of ways we betray our little rituals, but the key to it all( for me) is to not lose sight of what started this journey. THe idea isn't to lure the other person in with false pretenses and then shift back to what you know. The idea is to change to become something greater and share that with your partner; each and every day.
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