Staining the Page (The Dye Seeps Through)

Fantastic feasts are fabricated for consumption

Buildings created for their final destruction

Societies built and burned on failed construction

And breath given to Man's march toward Hell's auction

So I'm going to die at some point.

Which can only cause me to say,

"So what if I do?"

My hours here will be sufficient

To complete the process

Of my existence.

A life lived in taking appointments

In the mind's and hearts of others.

To you my darling wife, I swear to always be

In another realm, but focused toward you truly

To forever have your glowing heart near to me

A giant, glowing totem of our love story.

I will remain in your company at all times

Under a different capacity than we met.

When you feel the quiet wind caressing your face,

It is my kisses coating your face in glee;

The morning mist massaging your skin at sunrise,

Are my hands stroking you gently into the day.

When you notice a whisper from the shadows,

Hear me calling to you in unbridled devotion;

When you close your eyes for an evening's rest,

I will climb into your dreams and spend the night with you.

Unexplained warm spells will replace hugs of affection,

Deja Vu will remind of spontaneous forays,

And I will bestow the happiness of having loved.

*Symbolic Phrase Here*

      In a country where racism is bandied about with frequency while hardening back to yesteryear, it seems often that it will never go away. However, I feel like it remains a catchphrase with a blanket (stereotypical) meaning that does not always apply: white people are racist and that's where it begins and ends. The reality is that racism, under it's true guise of prejudice, is omnipresent in everyone of us. The sad truth is that the word "prejudice" has been stained due to decades of violence centered around race, although the word itself was not a negative one.

      "Prejudice"; very simply the act of pre-judging an event; is the abilities we used in the past to keep ourselves safe or using our experiences to make an informed decision. In a world without cell phones and motion detection lights, settlers had to pre-judge that a twig snapping in the forest might be a wolf. Even today, if you are a person that says you hate anything: dogs, cats, people from a certain profession (Lawyers, right?), people judged by their personal choices (trailer parks/ Hippies/ "Gangsters"/ Abercrombie & Fitch/ vegans), religious affiliation - than you have a prejudice. When you meet the "offending" party, you are going to assume a series of facts about them at the outset: making a pre-judgement. In modern America, that action puts your squarely as prejudice (and by default, racist). For me, it has always been the next step that differentiates hatred from the instinct of self preservation: actions.

      My Dad grew up deep in the country in a town of 200 white people in the 1950's. The first person of any color he ever saw was in his teens when the family went to a city. He was surprised by what he saw, but had all the prerequisite emotions that came with growing up in the time, and for his whole life he never had any comfort around other races, always "pre-judging" them to be a threat to him, to our safety and to the white race at large. That is the racism the forefathers of the civil rights movement dealt with in the 60's. Closed minded stereotypes that can't be changed by people of another race. He instilled a lot of his ideas in me as a young man, after all, he was my Dad. My opinions in his house on race, religion, politics and even relationships were instilled in me, but my personality style is not one to blindly follow anything. When I entered the real world as a young man, I knew all the things he had told me, but I have always kept an open mind about everything life has to offer. I learned a different reality on the subjects he expressed opinions on, while prejudice is not always incorrect either. Ask anyone NOT in a white hood what they feel about "Birth Of Nations". (See? I just made an assumption that most of you nodded in agreement.) The key to me is whether or not prejudice is the last level of thought you allow a person based on any certain characteristic. It's in eliminating an alternative that prejudice transitions into hate. However, intent is not considered in modern society, the "victims" make the rules of engagement on when they are being harassed or minimized, even if it is not that intent or in action.

       Why does this matter? True hate definitely still exists in this country based on hate, but every time something happens between a Caucasian and another race, it is not immediately racism on every count. It definitely is not "the same as it ever was", how demeaning to the millions in the 60's that endured unspoken horrors along the road. In fact, it seems that the "white devil" stereotype gets a pass on the racism scale, but it is just as racist and close minded as the people from the other side of the tracks. We will never agree on this issue until race dissolves as the primary identifier, then again, in the days where family reigned as an identifier, there were a million blood feuds over lineage.

      Why can't we all just leave each other alone? Befriend who you like; disassociate from people you don't enjoy their company, get mad when you are insulted as a person (not a part of a larger ideal) and just do your thing each day. It sounds naive, but why do we put so much stock in people that we are just looking for a negative experience from? I live my daily rut (commute, job, school) just to get to the good moments (wife, food, Netflix). I don't have the time, energy or desire to sit around seething hate for anything (except mushrooms). I don't get why everyone else can't? Does my bipolar actully aid me in the endeavor? If so, Gnarls Barkley pegged it.....

How Do I Stop?

I'm hopeless

I'm hurting 

I'm worthless

And waiting

Nothing right

Blackened mirror

Void of sight

Soaked in terror

Exploding ember

Fallen again

Fate rendered

Cast from Heaven

What am I worth

If I can't please

Lying on earth

Night dreams a tease

When energy drains

During the climb

The next round of pains

Aren't far behind

It's always been me

Soiled in disappointing despair

Under woe's wide tree

Until I am no longer there

      With apologies to Shaggy, it WAS me. It always will be.

What About Ninjas?

      The concept of a "spirit animal" is an old one that humans have used to symbolize personality traits and ideals held dear. The Native Americans used this practice a great deal, even incorporating the animal into their tribal names. Bears, Tigers and the like make for awesome visuals, but can everyone identify with those levels of brute force? What spirit animal reflects a person.... Which trait can be called out best? Which animal tells your story?

      As much as I would like a Goliath of a beast to be my calling card, I find upon reflection the truth for me would be considerably less awe inspiring. The turtle tells my story - a slower animal with a wealth of protection to aid it in disputes with its enemies. A rhinoceros would work here too, but it's not a vulnerable animal for my personal journey. Sure, I am big, defensive but also a juggernaut at times, but I find my general demeanor in the turtle: just moving along trying to get to my next event. No real hostility (unless provoked), just making my way through life with armor at the ready. 

      I'm okay with that.

Shame Ol' Song

       The difficulty of relating to the world through the lens of a "disease process" is that even those closest to you want to understand, but there is still an inherent shame in things beyond your control. As a person with actual chemical imbalance, I have the outstanding view from the cheap seats that is bipolar depression. While I have learned how to manage it throughout my life, and as I have come to recognize some of the wonders beholden to it, it still posses the power of absolute takeover on any given day. Along with that can come the fallout with relating to our world.

      Many people understand the idea of depression (through the lens of their own down time), but more as "the blues" and less as a lifestyle choice made by the genetic gamble before birth. Many can allow you your lethargy or sensitive feelings, but it's the deeper things that are so terribly difficult to discuss with your loved ones. How can you relay that someone close to you has hurt you, through the shroud of depression, without them jumping on the defensive? How do you come out and tell those closest to you that it takes more effort to talk to them in these moments than they can imagine. Is there a possible way to tell family that any given time your mind creeps to your demise, the release from the burden of your dueling identities? People hear "I want to die" when most times it's "I'm tired and I want my mind at peace; at last."  Intent and acceptance rarely mesh.

      Mania can be confused by the masses as a.d.d. (At worst) or a moment of confidence and enthusiasm (at best). In fact, mania brings its captured to have thoughts that flow so fast you can't grasp them, an increased sense of irritation from heightened emotions and an over exaggerated sense of self that leads to bad decisions and impulsive acts of nonsense. Mania can cause a fixation on a given subject to the point of actual mental addiction. It's maddening.

Eyes Tell What Story?

As I make my approach

A steady gait and easy motion

Your eyes lock on the distance.

Why the immediate avoidance?

Is eye contact so sensual and private?

Is an invitation that you fear?

Or a rejection that raises your blinders?

Can small talk be so uncomfortable?

The environment is green with unease

But I don't take the chance to jump.

And so, another person passes left

And the sidewalk is mine once again,

My mind smoldering in coal..

Because You're Beautiful?

Loving you, is easy because....

No, loving you is not easy. 

Easy lets you rest on you laurels;

Allows you the gentle comfort

Of a given, absolute truth.

Loving you is difficult

Because of the time

I put on for our dates 

And all the moments 

I neglect a juicy burger

For a grilled chicken 

(with cheese!).

Loving you can be taxing

When the time comes 

To clean the house or 

Cook when I only wish

To release my eyes from

Their Herculean burden.

Loving you is taking

Time away from the game

To arrange a "date day"

Throughout the City park

(game alerts allowed).

Loving you is effort because

It is in all these ways

That love can gain its

Deepest (basic) meaning:

You are worth all the effort it takes

To please you and offer you the knowledge

That I will always be ready to come through for you

No matter how hard times erode, I will find it from within

To stand up

Take your hand

Look you in the eye

As I assist your rise to your feet

Smiling to say, "Look at all the fun!

Come play with me and do it once more!"

Loving you is what makes me.

Take my hand.

Money? Like the Baby Bear's Porridge...

     I don't want to be a millionaire. I know that puts me squarely in the minority of everyone, and I'm okay with that. I don't want to take an oath of poverty, it's only that having a bunch of money is nice, but it has its own stressors that would be too immense for me- family concerns and maintaining your wealth and being in the public eye. Besides, as cliche as it may be, there is a certain wonder that comes with striving toward a goal. When you can have anything you want, many things start to become passé that were once year long goals. How large must the gift back to satisfy the desires of a millionaire. It would be simple to say that I won't fall prey to the whims of the emerald obtainer. However, the reality is far more succumb than are capable of making a million dollars still seem like an insane amount of money. For so many of us, it still is, and I want to keep that innocent wonder and be thrilled for my MCDonald's sundae - not mildly amused eating food with gold in it.

Ascent

Keep in mind that we create relationships

Not only to drive solitude from our lives,

Not simply for the act of procreating,

But in order to evolve to a higher level.

Evolution requires transformation

That can come only through experience.

When we stop learning from others,

We deny ourselves the ability

To attain greater enlightenment

For the historically soothing comforts

Of remaining the same.

A simple truth is that while

We need others in order to live;

We require other people to

Reach our full potential:

As friends, as lovers,

And as individuals.

A mirror to reflect actions;

An institution to provide learning;

A harbor to give safe haven

When life's undercurrent

Threatens to cast us off

Into the oblivion of despair.

Stay true to your covictions-

That core that rests at 

The base of who we are,

But stay malleable in deed,

As there is always another 

Way to be learned from

Those who have done it before.