I'm Getting Better.....

Like a brother.

In some facet it's true

But family was something

I was given by life

And rejected due to 

No affinity or appreciation.

I love you as more

Than a brother;

You are my friend

One who I chose to share 

My time - good and bad.

A choice that I made for

The betterment of my life

Here on Earth.

What of that life?

The life that I so narrowly

Avoided losing to the

Abyss.

The moments I spent

Talking to you

And you spent

Sharing something many people

Don't have; cannot share.

That day, I vowed loyalty 

To you; to our friendship.

Was such a moment of power

For me

Just a passing charity for you?

The fragments of loyalty

Don't seem as cohesive 

For you any longer.

Our friendship appears to be

A holding place for

Just another clown who

Can stop by and give you a laugh.

I have always appreciated

The gift that, by default, 

You were instrumental in

Arriving in the life that

I was able to climb back into.

Just because I'm 

"Good people" in your mind

Doesn't mean that our friendship

Means a damn in your eyes.

A friendship

(In my humble opinion)

Means taking the time

To give an effort.

Some days, we don't feel like

Leaving the house;

Some nights, we would rather

Sit and count our woes;

Sometimes, We have to be honest

With one another and say

We just can't make it;

However, if the possibility exists -

With a true friend, we realize that

There is something bigger

Waiting for us on

The opposing side of

Sanctuary.

We venture out and share what 

Sparing moments are offered

And reflected upon to enjoy

When we meet once again.

Blowing off a meeting;

Promising "good times" that

You never intend on attending;

Loses the purpose of being

A friend

And falls into the file of being

A fraud

The Price (Not Twisted Sister)

     Tomorrow, I fly cross country to do work for a good amount of money. Most people would be over the moon, but the prospects of falling behind in school, not talking to the wife as often as I would like AND 28 days of 12 hours a day is crushing me. I'm trying to stay out of the mental loop, but it keeps dragging me back in. I don't want to be gone so long....

     Responsibility has a heavy price indeed....

It's Not The End of the World.... Or is it?

       As I have discussed in the past, being a person with bipolar disorder can be a taxing experience. Things for me tend to run a little hotter; insults can cut a little deeper and the most common events can trigger a feeling of great importance. As I sit here now, I am equal parts anxious and accepting that tomorrow could be an enormous paradigm shift in the evolution of what my life has become in three short years. A Phoenix certainly roses from its ashes; but no part in the legend says that they return unchanged. Perhaps a bit stronger; perhaps with a new weakness or perhaps with some of the old and something new. I would say the latter form best describes me as I am this day.

     Tomorrow, I will be attending an interview with a company that I would love to work for, that would establish me (once again) as a home base with no need to endure the rigors of the road and allows me to continue my wholehearted pursuit of my collegiate dreams. I can't control it; no action of mine will have meaning until I am seated and answering questions. The impact of what this could all mean resonates throughout my head, causing my soul to leap for joy and my heart to leap into my throat. This feels like my only chance.... Life has proven that it provides us chances in many ways; but in my head this is it! I'm a success or a failure - never again will this type of opportunity be laid out before me.

     So I guess I better knock it out of the park; wouldn't you say?

The Price of Modern Erotica

     It occured to me tonight as my wife and I sat in the strip club after dinner that with times that are a-changing, and the world we all know as new and fresh, old stand-bys are now different altogether. With the open sourcing of porn all over the internet; what is the allure of the modern strip club? You can talk to attractive girls; certainly. You cn't get a crotch grinding from a video or webcam. However, porn allows much more erotic and demonsrative displays of sexuality, and it allows the populace at large to "take things in hand", if you will. I certainly enjoy the atmosphere of the strip club - better to pay for dances than buy random girls drinks all night in hopes of a lapse in judgement or a boob grope. However, the sexuality just isn't there for me. Perhaps I am in the minority, but a strip club excites me with it's choatic allure and the times where these girls can get down to bare tacks and tell me the real story of their lives. Just as in any other situation; it is the people and their stories that excite me; I can't speak for any others. You can see boobs on the net; you can see girls dancing naked on the net; yet  there are those that will pay goo money for dry humping, fake interactions and the occasional dinner that leads nowhere. IS it the hope that some guys have to be among "the chosen ones" and actually get a stripper to get busy outside the club? Is it a more exaggerated chase in line with the drinks = bad judgement? I am certain that I am unique - there are others like myself who go to the strip club as an oasis of dizzying lights and tall tales. However, the looks on many a man's face in a club speaks of a longing; a yearning for something he can never have. Some faces have a darker tone - throwing money at women give them power in objectifying and making the girls chase their $20. The strip club of yesteryear was once the holy bastion of nude female elegance. Today's strip club seems to have more emphasis on "club" and less on the "strip" aspect. Whatever the case, I will enjoy going and bobbing my head and saying "hi" to the girls and just being in the moment. Desperation just isn't my thing....

The Dark Side of Desire

       Feeling particularly loser-y today. Part of that is a natural byproduct of what I have for a mental baseline; but part of it is dissatisfaction with my status in a number of things. After all these years, all I ever wanted was to find love and true happiness - now I've done that and the other parts of life have my undivided attention - and my displeasure. I don't know what it will take to finally be at peace with my place in the world; I'm not sure that it's even possible as a person with bipolar.

     A crazy can dream, can't he?

     I'm vexed about my blog. When I undertook this endeavor 4 years ago, it was at the behest of my therapist at the time who felt I needed an outlet - and an outlet I have acheived. As I have continued on, I have wanted this blog to be a voice - that cry in the night I never had that helped people to think and reason and someone (something?) to let me know I wasn't alone. I Don't feel I have acheived that, and I begin to doubt myself...... Is the name too macabre? (A wonderful pun, certainly - but something that will be read by those in need?) Is the content too broad? Am I not nearly as interesting or lyrical as I imagine myself? Do I not post often enough? When I do post, do I write too much? The slow poison of truth is that when you desire to reach an audience outside of yourself; it becomes a matter of finding a formula that works and then trying to excel. I have always sought to help those in need; I have always wanted to be the person everyone thought could help.... but am I?

      I'm nervous about my education. I kick myself for not undertaking this endeavor as a young man; when my energy was limitless, my learning style was still fresh and my experience was limited and I didn't think so far into things. It is what it is. Now I am in class and the time demands (and dealing with people who don't seem to be engaged) is draining and unsettling. It also frustrates me that it makes me feel this way.... normal people don't worry about it and keep moving forward - they tell everyone at cocktail parties how they worked two jobs and took night classes to become the top of their craft. I don't have that in me.... the stress an desire to excel drains me; the thought of working full time right now is one that makes me feel like school would suffer almost immediately. I have an amazingly supportive wife who allows me my faults; but I am still shamed by this fault.

     I'm worried about work. Will the road be my money source? I had an interview with a company that I really want to work for; but have heard nothing back. Was I not interesting enough? Should I have followed up? If so, how? Am I just not someone who is worthy of the brass ring that so many acheive without effort? A loser in the making? Should I apply for disability? Am I too crazy for work? Or am I just not made for the modern workplace.... or people in general? I'm going with natural born loser.... check back with me tomorrow.

      I'm concerned about whether I have what it takes to complete my passion project - the books I have been researching for and collecting info for and dreaming of. Maybe I'm tapping a market no one wants? My idea might be boring.... my execution may be lax..... orI may not be capable of such great things. Greatness seems to always be for other people, not me. I'm just a common man from rural Virginia that found a way to play amoing the stars....

      I have so many desires that its hard to fit them all in a days time.... much less while trying to lead a "normal" existence. I got the wife I needed; but now that it's time to put up and shut up in other areas, I don't seem to be setting the world ablaze as I had hoped. A book of matches..... perhaps.

      My mind is not my friend today.....

It Gets Better

       "I'm so OLD!"

       The words bleed forth from my lips with such vitriol and contempt on a daily basis. It's true, I am older now than I have ever been (obviously). Other truths are that it takes a lot more work to stay somewhat healthy; my joints and body ache more intensley and for a lt longer than it did before; my memory is so faulty that IT is almost a memory. When I was a boy, teenagers were OLD. When I was a teenager, thirty seemed to be a horrifying transition towards being one of "the Ancient Ones". However, when I hit thirty, it occured to me that eighty is so far off; that MUST be what old looks like. Now that I have accomplished half of eighty, I am starting to see life in a different light. Some of that is due to my life circumstances taking a dramatic shift; but I have to attribute it also to having so many life experiences. Old doesn't mean the same today as it once did.

      Yes, effectively, I am old. Why is that a bad thing? What is the alternative? "Live fast; die young; leave a beautiful corpse"? That is a tantalizing panacea when you are living through the horrors of depression; but - it's nice to have made it this far and created so many wonderful markers in so many amazing people's lives. Getting old allows me understanding and the ability to determine things that a younger me would never have even given a second glance. Things I could never have imagined at thirty have happened in the past ten years of existence. Not all great things; but more than enough to make the trip one to smile upon when glancing at them in the reflections of a darkened window in the evening. I'm here. The echo of dispair resonates through my mind when I think about how it could have been. Through age I have learned to doubt my negative assumptions.

      As a twenty year old, I made a declaration to myself and all who would listen that if I wasn't married with a family by thirty, I would kill myself to end a lonely life. Time would prove that marriage wasn't any better than alone, depending on who your partner was. At times, it was worse. I won't say I "soldiered on"; more like I pushed through because I had given my word and I felt a responsibility to keep it to those around me. What if I had ended myself in those early days? Depression made it very possible to make my twenties the end of the beginning. I would never have seen Las Vegas. New York. San Francisco. Florence. I would never have tried a litany of foods. Cooking would have been a Hardy Boys mystery. I couldn't have learned the wonders of anime. Strip clubs. The book I am creating would have been lost to the cosmos. So many jokes untold; laughs not shared; pains left lurking in the souls of many.

       I would never have known the greatest love I have ever known: my son and my wife. The experience of having them both curled close to me - a pod of love and life that really has been the stamp of my later life.

      Ultimately, age has given me the vision of a true future. When you're young or even in your twenties, life seems like it will always be the limited scope of things you have experienced in those early days - mostly school, the struggle of finding your self, enjoying all the things we couldn't at a young age (generally to excess), financially battling toward comfort - all while learning how to interact with the world around you and learning to be a cog in the community construct. With practice comes mastery (either what is expected or what you have determined is the portrait you have chosen to hang on your face for the world), and confidence in what the world is and where you exist in it. For the first time in my life, the thought of eighty is one I can see vividly - the people I have in my life sitting with me in an old folks home. It takes twenty years to have a friend of two decades - another gift you can only accomplish by growing older.

      Believe me, when I wake up in the morning with my back creaking and my knees popping, it isn't what I envisioned would be my fate. However, it is a small price to pay for being able to kiss my wife good morning; talking to my son for hours; jokins with my closest friends throughout many moments painted against a black canvas. None of us are ever 100% happy nor is life always going to have us in a place of thanks and grins. I have found my content to know that I have far too much to appreciate to ever bemoan some extra shots and occasional daily discomforts. (Prostate exams notwithstanding) 

     If you are one of these young people who are caught in the depression of "Will this always be the way?", I can promise you it does get better. You just need to take the time now to learn and grow from the pain to remold yourself to be ready when the right people and right situation come along..... so that you feel worthy of your (eventual) "good fortune" that you have worked your whole life to acheive.

My Son

     On that first day, I did not hold you right away. You were whisked off and I was led to you in my xl bunny suit (that I still tore because it was too small). The nurse pulled on your limbs and poked you and prodded you and all I wanted was for them to clean you up so that I could hold you. You writhed and cried and passed all their tests and you were taken for your first bath.

     A while later you were brought to the room and I held you for the first time. I was surprised by your weight; but not your length. I finally couldn't stay awake anymore and drove the 45 minutes home to get my first rest in almost two days. My dreams were held in those poke-worthy hands...

     I awoke early that next day, a highly unusual occurrence; like Hailey's comet or conservative Californians. I rushed back to the hospital and stood by the nursery until 6 am, when they let parents in. The young nurse sweeping the floor pointed to your crib and told me I could grab a chair. Your mother wasn't up yet, and wouldn't text me so for another hour. I sat in that chair that day and revealed life's secrets to you: I, your father, would always be your biggest fan and greatest supporter. After 33 years on the planet Earth, I finally felt my heart start beating "that certain way" for the very first time. Virginia Tech football was a family tradition. With tears welling in my eyes, I reached to touch your tummy. You grunted a small grunt and grabbed my finger. You will never remember this moment, but I looked to you and said, for the first of many times:

"I love you, my boy. I want to throw baseballs and read books and kiss you goodnight. I don't know what life holds for your mother and I, but you will always be the reason I was born. I will teach you what I can, provide for you how I can, and give you the universe if I can just reach up and grab it.i love you every minute of the rest of your life."

       I turned to see the nurse behind me; and I blushed at the unchecked estrogen attach I had just endured. Yet, deep down inside, I knew it was right. I had never been more completely and totally emotionally and spiritually in love with anything or anyone in all of my days. You are the key that gave my heart to me. I may never give you all that other fathers can; there are many fathers smarter than me; many more fathers that are "cooler" than myself; but no one could ever devote themselves to their child's undying happiness and growth MORE than me.

     I love you, Nathan.

The Road (No Longer) Behind

       After a year off, the road once again calls. In my chosen line of work, there's a great opportunity to make fast money as a traveling consultant. As a married man, it will be difficult to leave my honey and my home for (potentially) a months time; but it is a circumstance of a short term loss for a long time gain. Life offers us all situations like this in our daily lives.

      My desire was to get a job here in "The City", settle in for some 9 to 5 and live life with my wife. Things changed. My job list ME, I decided to become a (statistic) 40 year old student and take the time to dedicate myself to being a full time student and part time earner. With the support of my incredible wife; I had the faith to move forward with this plan. Yet there is still a need for some income from me over the course of a year. I thought long and hard about the advantages of a 20 hour a week job paying minimum wage for the year - or go on the road and make the same amount in a month. It seems like an easy answer, but sleeping alone, being in different time zones trying to communicate and living out of a suitcase are hard conditions to get accustomed to when you have a wonderful life with a leading lady. I was willing to do the year to have the glory of waking to her face each day and be at home. However, the road called and allowed me a way to easily see my son and friends; so I chose the road for the chance to have time with the boy and 11 months of studies. 

     Rarely does life provide us a cut and dried answer to any meaningful decision; and we can choose to embrace that fact.  Pizza or burgers? Date A or Date B? Chocolate or peanut butter? (I bet Reese's cups were created to avoid said dilemma!) To stay or to to go? Hell, even the idea to accept life's rhythm or continue searching for greater truths is a choice without a clear cut winner. My philosophy is to follow my heart, my instincts, wherever they take me. Some people plan and eliminate as much chance as they can from the equation. Others still just choose to fly by the seat of their pants.  My decisions will be a part of my history; but the time to choose is always in the now. For us, now is all there ever will be.

You Don't Say? (No, I Don't)

     I am not normal. I don't adhere to traditions by obligation; follow the lemmings to the end; blindly accept what is agreed upon without basis in fact. My bipolar brain gives me days where I pray for the "quiet mind" so many seem to have - a mind at rest when not challenged. The allure of "normal" is in it's universal understanding - and ability to just "drop it" once a subject has reached its apex. To mold oneself to the masses and just "get in where you fit in". Comfort as a part of the machine. 

      

     I don't carry an empty smile; an omnipresent forgiveness of mankind nor a mindset that accepts that creatures (of the four and two legged variety) should be let off the hook simply because it's more convenient to excuse misbehavior and ignorance (riots and mayhem) than it is to discipline the uprising in its infancy (a strong stand and jail time). I've never been one of the "beautiful people", therefore beholden to a given group or cross section of friends. I still believe in personal goals over great expectations; family values over "independence" and that this is a Nation "Under God..... and justice for all." (We are very clearly divisible among SO MANY lines; as sad as it is. Ignorantly so.) I don't have it in me to just work for a paycheck; to be satisfied with being mediocre and complacent; with following a title ("Manager") without thought to the logic of what I am being asked - and the self respect of always being ready to ask, "Why?" I chose my family ties based on whom I want to be associated with; not just the "sacred rite" of a family crest. Nor do I have any fear of death; I am whole in every moment and can accept that my day, too, shall come.

      However, we are not so different; the world and I. I want to be in love, ready to cherish and protect my closest companions and family. I look for ways in life to establish myself a "success" in an effort to earn the respect of my peers. I enjoy wearing my true smile and sharing it with the world to lugh along with me. Oh, I LOVE to laugh! I seek to learn, to grow, to become the best me that I can be - so that I can share the gift of my experience with everyone I come in contact with. I obey the laws of the land; for I am no degenerate - but I am open to expressing opposition in the correct forum when so inclined. I make assumptions in every day life for safety, but I judge a man based on the character he exudes toward me. I am gruff but I am fair - the embodiment of the agreement we all make while interacting with our species.

       This isn't one of those sugary sweet declarations that "we are all a family and should love one another". That's not me. We should all give people enough berth to just be. I don't ask that everyone like me or respect me or "get me" or even enjoy my company. If you are accepting of my person; then come along and let's play together and make memories that so many pass by every day. If you don't like me, just say that and lets move on. I am never mad at the truth- especially when it's YOUR truth - the world as you experience it. (Hell, I don't even like me some times!!) Life isn't difficult - humanity is. We have built societies to define a series of individuals; we have built mental defenses that cause us to stress uncertain futures to avoid "pain" (a bit ironic?); we define our indivduality by being a part of group; we accept doing things that don't benefit us because they are "the norm" and we silence our voices and despair over the state of affairs. When do we get to the point where we can just say - "Find what you are; what you want;  what you choose to be - and do THAT. Leave other people room to do their thing - help if you can or stay out of the way." Not in the hippie "I love you, Man!" context; more in the station of if you do YOU, how much happier could we all be? Where are the limits of self discovery? Where is the downfall of a group of talents versus a plethora of automatons? 

It Could Not Be Any Other Way

      The immersive allure of "what if" is such a masochstic siren's song. It draws us in with hope of a different past; the complete ideal of circumstances providing us all a new outcome. It is so easy to rationalize the universe/ fate/ Gid choosing the things that leave us wanting.

     It's a poison we have each acquired in an attempt to forego the consequences of the decisions we have made throughout life. Does life have different paths for us all to choose? Certainly. Could our choices have turned out an alternate finale? No. Things turned out the way they were intended. Even when we ponder different information that might have led to us choosing another way; there is no way we am truly say that things would have been any different. 

     As we head into this new year; go forward and make the choices you feel are right. There's no reason to honestly believe that we have any earthly idea what awaits us after. New Years resolutions will fall; life will succeed and fall; and in the end we will have only our instincts. Be true and don't fall for the island of doubt and misery people.... Let's do this!!