Two Mental Conditions Walk Into a Bar.....

This Post was written a few weeks ago; and in my state at the time I didn't post it. I'm only posting it now as another example of what the face of bipolar looks like. It's not pretty folks.... If you know someone with it; understand that their inner workings don't allow them escape.... or the ability to be rational.....

     So, today I was told I might have abandonment issues.... to go with the joy of my bipolar depression. Oh the hits just keep on coming. Upon investigation I came to find that..... it's absolutely correct. How many flaws can one man have? Did God just throw all the spare and broken parts in me to see if I could give life a whirl? To see how much suffering one person can take? I'm not going on the "Whoa is me" kick.... I just imagine what I could be and do for others if I was a little stupider and a lot less mentally broken. As it stands now; I am causing distress to one of the greatest things in my life - and my mental abilities pick up on this and are kind enough to help me string myself to the nearest cross. Awesome. I don't want to be a martyr; I want to be a husband. I want my life to have mattered - to have a made a difference to others - but I also want it to matter to ME.... to have the ability to not cost myself so many of the great moments I dream about when I think of what life could be like.

     But, at every turn, people grow disappointed and despairing in my presence. I always wind up being too much me and not enough everyone else.

     I am struggling today.... I have been struggling for a while. I feel like I just can't measure up - at work; at home; in bed; in Scrabble; in baby making; in parenting; in life. 

     Then I find out that I have MORE reasons to fail at life.... How the hell have I gotten this far? It can't all be luck; it certainly isn't all skill - it again feels like God put so much of the worst things and a few of the okay things and mixed them up to make a perfectly imperfect and annoying me. It is funny though - abandonment issues definition read like every popular fairy tale - from Romeo and Juliet to Disney - that you have ever seen. I mean hell, Romeo KILLED himself in a fit of despair. Yet today we turn our nose up at the idea of undying devotion and feeling of connection. 

     Who am I kidding? I can't philosophize right now - I'm stuck on stupid. I just keep trudging forth.... one foot in front of another - trying not to cost myself a great opportunity while also not shutting down - and costing myself a greater opportunity.

     I just wish sometimes I wasn't me. I don't want to be Bill Gates.... I just wish I could be common joe who is proud that he can stand straight and say the Pledge of Allegiance. The guy whose hardest part of his day is deciding dinner. The Guy who can just be and is proud to be a homo sapien.

     It just will never be.....

     And my failures mount...... I don't know if I can do anything right by anyone right now.

Will I always be a slave?

Look down

From your place on

High

Down at the things

I try to give

Down on the things

I have held as 

Accomplishments

Look down on all I 

Have given you

All the dreams

I have placed

In front of you

Look down on 

My place in this

World

A downcast eye

For the emotions 

I have expressed

As well as those

I have sought to receive

Look down on all

That I am

But by looking down 

On what I express

As love

I rise up

A sudden upward glance

At my nemesis

My eyes blazing

Come to rest on my tormentor

In the mirror

The reflection speaks

A thousand words....

How Do I Avoid Soul Crushing Disconnect? There's An App For That....

     Electronics have changed the way we live - for better and worse. I have blogged before on the impact electronics have had on our relationships; but earlier this week it really occurred to much how much it has handicapped us as individuals as well. 1984 has come to pass - the Orwellian "nightmare" that - in 1984 - seemed laughable. God Love Ronald Reagan! I digress.... The idea of human kind being overtaken by its own creation has been a staple of science fiction for decades - but it's time has come.

     We not only have lost the idea of patience; but in large part our abilities to self entertain and think. There was a time - in my life time and many of yours - where a phone call was a gift. You could go throughout a day... DAYS even..... without thinking about who might call. You had to actually be stationary in your own home; where you could concentrate on your conversation - not these mindless passive interchanges that have become the norm. People used to sit on benches or stand in line and CONTEMPLATE what was happening - within them; around them; to them. People had to MOVE in order to change a particular entertainment device - decision combined with action. Nowadays; you never go anywhere and see someone just enjoying the things around them - even in others company. Always the face is staring blankly at their phone - a world where emails and texts and calls and videos await. It's frightening to think what is in store for current and future generations - so much of anything these days is passive ways to waste time..... what type of attention spans will these kids have? What desire will there to be to invent or create when entertainment is one click away? The machines have taken over as our collective unimind - our calendar, our keeper, our entertainer, our link to the world at large. I'm aware there are plenty of good uses for this technology - and I myself possess many forms of it - I'm not being ironic by blogging about it. My contention is that WE.... the users..... have made it more powerful than our own minds - we have allowed this to happen to our collective. Then we ask these companies for more..... now Microsoft is coming out with a gaming system that will control ALL of your entertainment media and requires only that you use your voice. People have literally degenerated to the point where moving a THUMB is too much effort. So we will be left to sit in our homes; stuffing our faces and never having need to move for anything. Electronic Meth..... that's what a drug user lives like. Yet we push on..... never satisfied until Big Brother Entertains us; feeds us; clothes us; provides shelter for us - and we don't have to think anymore. Computerized lobotimization... Take the blue pill, Neo.

     Another thing I notice has become an issue from a rather goos idea is that of multi tasking. I recognized how ingrained it has become when; the other day; on the way to the restroom I thought to grab my phone to check email. Another thing that has taken our ability to stay within.... Always we must have something available to distract us from the "boredom" of daily life. Maddening. We don't need to fill every second with as many tasks as possible - we need to coordinate our lives and handle each piece of our day on its own - full attention to accomplish the task. As a species; we survived millenniums with out the ability to make a phone call from an eatery; without answering emails on vacation; without texting a friend to find out WHICH store they are standing near. We took time to reflect - on our day; our life; or what we felt about mint chocolate chip ice cream. I mean, we took time to just sit back and smile at the sights and sounds that encased us. No more. A moment of peace is a moment wasted..... there's always SOMETHING I could be doing....

     As a race, we have become increasingly disconnected. From nature; from people; from our loved ones; from our minds; from ourselves. Anything, when put out of use - will dull and eventually disintegrate. "Use it or lose it". Our minds very rarely have need to be used - and it shows in todays world -grammar; grades; morals; a generation of the internally lost. At some point; we will all just be able to hook into the machine (Welcome to the Machine..... GREAT song!)and live vicariously through the events and efforts of a fabricated universe. It's honestly too late to turn back..... In the future; I will be diagnosed as old because I will be able to start a sentence saying, "Once, before there was a PC in EVERY HAND....."

Don't You..... Forget About Me....

     As I am sure you are all aware; I have not blogged in a while - but for good reason...... I spent the weekend with my love celebrating our first anniversary. What an amazing milestone.... An annual rite of passage that tracks our progress - and our lives. It was a weekend filled with laughter and joy and PLANNING OUR FUTURE.... all the things it should be. There were gifts and surprises and Maps and journals and so many cool things! It was a 72 hour celebration complete with a surprise at the end - it didn't end. I stayed longer. I awoke next to my love and I said goodbye.... I started my week with the kiss that can never miss.....

     I have really had a strong hold on my reality over the past week - I am starting to settle in to not looking for what "could be". The next step in my evolution appears to be unlearning many of the conservative tendencies my environment taught me growing up. I continue to see so many patterns in things that have run throughout my existence.... They may not be wrong but they don't apply to my new world. What issue is a see through shirt in a city where people bike naked? However, how far is it before I become victim to absorbing my new surroundings? I am having to try and separate out which parts of these beliefs are mine - and which I have been taught to believe. I am conservative by nature; so it is hard to section off where my conservative side gives way to the "Bible Belt" teachings? I am also taking my girlfriends ideas into consideration on this journey; It's going to be a long road to setting my own thoughts in place. Even then; they are only mine. I don't ask that anyone else live by them - only that they understand if I seem uncomfortable at times. My perception is my reality - not a set of dictates handed down as gospel. No matter how definitively I state my thoughts on a subject.....

     The girlfriend and I have narrowed things down to the finals!!! We are getting married in a Church - already chosen; but we are between two final venues for the after party celebration! What an exciting time - an incredible hunt! We still have things to iron out.... To dance or not to dance? Cocktail hour or free time? Jazz, Blues, or other? Colors? Food styles? We are building our own masterpiece.... Our wedding is an artistic endeavor that will clearly be defined by the individuals in it! I want very much to go against the "wedding cliches"..... my hope is to have a wedding that when people think back to this night; it will stand out above and beyond all other receptions in the history of mankind. That's not too much to ask. :) More importantly; with this woman at my side - it's completely attainable.... 

     So, the diet is going okay. I am trying to do this exactly; but as my love will attest - I slip occasionally - but I keep hopping back on the horse. Eventually, this will be my life long ride; and you can't break 20 years in a day. I am learning more and more what to eat.... breaking my addiction to soda slowly...... but I am hungry much more often. It's so hard to imagine how awesomely delectable carbs are..... how full they make you. I burn my food in hours - I am learning the whole five times a day eating cycle - no small feat. In the long run; I know my support is imperative to my darling - and it is better for me and my insides down the road...... That's a win-win if ever there was one.

     My work is going well...... things are at the point where people seem to run on auto-pilot. I spend much of my day waiting for the one or two issues that come up - the rest of the time trying to find people to show additional items to or to help clarify the workflows. Exciting? No. A Great paycheck? It's alright.... Worthwhile? Absolutely. I am training the people who (literally) can stand between life and death. It is greatly satisfying to have a hand in the healing process.

     At the end of it all; my maturation continues. I am so satisfied and peaceful in life; in love; at work; at all. I just want to make the right choices and be the person that makes everyone's life better (in some way) by association. I don't know that I always accomplish my mission - but I keep plunging ahead. If I can just be successful more often than I fall short - then it means it's all worth it. In the end; we define ourselves by our own measure....

Anticipation, Motivation, Realization and Observation

     Saturday will mark me and my darling's one year Anniversary. A true milestone (in a line of many) that I had wanted to celebrate in style. I wanted it to be big..... Zeppelin (the band or flying machine) big! Alas, timing is not on my side and it will not have the events I had hoped. It will, however, have us looking at wedding venues and deciding on where it will al go down. So that's still a win in my book. :) I only wish we could have made the decision in a restaurant I had rented out for just the two of us....

     Work is going amazingly well. I have been a lot of help to those I am tasked to assist; and no one has lost their cool. As Hannibal always said, "I love it when a plan comes together..."

     The eating is going well.... I occasionally fall off the wagon but I maintain more often than not - hopefully providing my darling the support she needs. I have made enormous strides in changing my eating habits; and my body feels better for it.  I can literally go days at a time without soda. Unthinkable in my old world. Toto, ,we ain't in Kansas (Cokesas?) anymore....

A limerick-

"Yesterday upon the stair

I met a man who wasn't there

He wasn't there again today

I wish to gosh he'd go away"

And a finisher-

Cold

A chill overtakes

As I lay my 

Weary head

So far away

You slumber

So very close

You rest

Behind my

Eyelids

Nothing compares

To the way you

Hold me in the

Middle of night

Wake me 

Each morning

With a kiss

Calm me

When the

Nightmares

Visit

I shall close

My eyes

And journey into

The Dreaming

Hoping to find

A nights 

Peaceful

Rest

Searching

Dreams eternal

Landscape

Looking for

You

So that we may

Play in another

Dimension as well...

Good night, My Love

Zombies, Mushrooms and Other Flesh Destroying Symbols Of My Love....

     I'm eating mushrooms.

     I repeat....

     I AM EATING MUSHROOMS.

     I'm not enjoying it physically..... it's more of a non factor currently. My brain and heart; however; are in full Phoenix mode. I have previously mentioned the "foodie revolution" I have been under since I met my love..... and more recently, our new lifestyle of eating more appropriate meals to achieve and maintain a healthy feeling to our long term goals at one another's side. I have eaten many things in the past year that NEVER past my lips before - but mushrooms were the line. I don't do FUNGUS. Yet, here I sit at  Chinese Restaurant, having just ordered my carb-less meal; when my hot and sour soup arrives. As I inspect my soup - dark broth? Check. Onion? Okay.Tofu? New, but I'm okay. What are these black things..... could it be? Yes - The SHROOMS! In the past; I would kindly push my bowl aside and try to forget what was before me. FAR from my meal so no "floating fungus" might attack. Today.....

     I've made it rather clear in this blog that I want to make HER happy. Out of my overwhelming sense of love; I decide that - even without her presence - I will do what she would ask.

     So I tried a SLURP!

     Warm. Spicy. Nothing too weird. So I tried another.... okay, okay dear - I liked my soup despite its ingredients. I'll never toss them in my salad.... but I'm lessening my intense aversion. Love allows us to grow in MANY unexpected ways....

     On Zombies, the girlfriend and I have had a running joke about a song called "Zombie Love Song" by Your Favorite Martian. Great tune worth checking out.  As I have flown home each week, Virgin Air kept advertising a movie called "Warm Bodies". A Zombie love Story. So this weekend I rented it for her and I to watch at home. It was a great movie.... also worth checking out. It's no "Citizen Kane" ("RoseBRAINNNNNNNNNSSSSS........), but it was an enjoyable 90 minutes with JOHN MALKOVICH. Need I say more? 

     I came; I saw; I ate mushrooms. The number of accolades I can lay at this woman's feet may well become infinite...... and isn't that the person worth falling in love with for a lifetime?

"So HERE I AMMMMMMM

With OPEN ARMMMMMMMS!"

     Darn Chinese Restaurant music! Does JOURNEY help digestion?

Will You Validate My Parking? How About My Existence?

     "The Ugly Duckling" is marvelous kids tale that illustrates how we all have the power for change and to "grow into" ourselves in time. The part of the story that never is told is the emotional and spiritual toll that poor duck must have endured to accept his new attractiveness. I mean, Jerry Springer made  a living on the "Look at Me NOW!" shows where former mongoloids would walk at as (generally enhanced) divas and beefcakes and woo their former crush who didn't give them a second look. They pour out with facts and how tortured they were by the treatment and the astounding lengths they would go to - the absolute obsession their looks would become. Even still, with all of the beauty - they still remained scarred and scared of the ugly they once were - crippled in the memory.

     I have spent the past year also coming to terms with being accepted by someone who I have such an attraction to. Emotionally; I still struggle with being "Good enough" (in her estimation; even better than that)...... I try and try and try to be so much better than I am now - it's a challenge on the one hand; and obsession with "measuring up" to her in the other. My only real proof on how I am doing I the question - "How does she experience me? What more can I do RIGHT by her?" Her answer is that in being me; I do so much more for her than anyone else. That she appreciates it. So why can't I settle down? Why am I always trying to be sure to think of things that aren't problems?

     Because I want her to never be unhappy near me a day in her life.

     She has mentioned that my expectation is unrealistic - but I believe it is possible. The irony is that in staring at these things and asking her - it frustrates her. Which is certainly not happy. So why can't I let things go? Just doing is so easy for us..... time passes so naturally in her aura....

     Because I still feel like the "Ugly Duckling". I was never the best looking. I always made sure to hide my iq - so I was labeled stupid. My flaws have been pointed out to my face for a lifetime. People much less than me still passed judgements on me that seared my mind's flesh. No, I am not an amalgamation of my past nor of these people's opinions..... but it feeds into the belief I carry naturally that I am not "Good Enough" to continuously provide anyone shelter or cheer or for someone to want to be around for a lifetime.....

     Yet through it all; she has remained and continues to learn new ways to impress upon me how much I mean. How I am one above the masses - not one of the many.

     In ANYTHING other than the shadows; these words sing in my heart and I continue to reach.... . reach HIGH..... for the standards she has set as an amazing woman and the standards I have for giving her the life of Fairy Tales. When the "blues" creep in; however; the song is drown out by a chorus of damning voices shining my failures...... proclaiming my weaknesses...... denouncing my deeds. The number of choruses I endure has GREATLY diminished in recent months..... with her continued perseverance and my internal efforts...... but a handful still remain. At times I feel a race against the clock..... That if my demons burn too long she might not want to stay around. But then..... Then she says wonderful things..... she will stay and we will learn to adapt. An Angel Speaks.....

     She might not always know the answers; but it is in the fact that she wants to TRY that gives me an undying devotion at her side..... and I don't tend to have all the answers yet - but it is my drive to be a perfect unit WITH her that compels me to power forward - fast and strong...... to find the cure for my "confidence cancer". I am certain that it won't be long before it eats away at me no more..... when our only discussions will fall to the unmitigated glory of our relationship - or the pressures OUTSIDE of our partnership that we will take on together. In order to be a full partner; I have to be an equal pillar..... I may lean on her at times; but it can't be a lean and hold.....

     I love you. You love me. We both have moments. I am quickly learning how to be a more solid foundation to us both.

I Can't Be Sure, But I Believe You Win Again!

     It's Sunday; work requires that I be in house tomorrow early; and I am on flight home a day earlier than normal. No Sunday night sleep followed by awakening to the majestic eyes of my love before our work week begins. A small price to pay for the security my profession provides; but a price all the same. That said; what an AMAZING weekend I just shared with my love. The search for wedding venues continues (and may actually have been completed).We got to spend some time on Skype with my son. We had many amazing meals; did chores around the house; spent time with friends; watched some fantastic movies and, most importantly, got some rest. The only thing better would have been to awaken tomorrow morning beside her...... and not have to leave her again. In time, our lives will coalesce and our weekly partings may become monthly..... or less. I am excited for tomorrow nonetheless; the next level of my job begins and it will be my time to perform and shine...

     The journey towards acceptance has definitely taken me to new heights in many ways - especially emotionally.  It is so incredible to talk to this woman - about life, about work, about love, about us...... about me.I learn so much about me in listening to her words; her thoughts; her opinions. THis journey to a proper wedding venue brings us even closer to one another - so many more insights and discussions lead to an even deeper breadth of knowledge. I have become so comfortable in her presence.... a feeling of complete acceptance. I am used to accepting but it is a first to at long last be completely accepted for my faults. I have many - and I know it. I am working my hardest to contain and redirect my inner demons - and I feel I am making enormous headway. She validates me in so many ways when I am unsure of myself - and what could I ask for any more than that from my best friend? My love?

     On wedding's and venues and all that surrounds this occasion - Man, there are a TON of different directions you can take this event. Gone are the days of Church; house and done. We have seen Victorian homes; Schools; Hotels; Museums; Churches; Clubs..... oh my! So many different aestethics;  trying to find one that fits us and what we are looking for is an adventure. As this blog may indicate - I am a visionary - I take what is and try to envision it with the things we want. She is very good at keeping an eye on the realities we are dealing with and keeping things on task. We have always complimented one another well.... and with our desire to be better together I believe we may even have increased our ability to be a wonderfully cohesive unit. It means a lot to have someone who compliments me so well..... but who also will call me on my actions when I need it. It's easy to be critical. It's easier still to be non confrontational and subordinate yourself to another. It's a fine line and a great skill to learn how to be constructively critical while still being kind. Or to overly positive while not being fake or insulting.