Will You Validate My Parking? How About My Existence?

     "The Ugly Duckling" is marvelous kids tale that illustrates how we all have the power for change and to "grow into" ourselves in time. The part of the story that never is told is the emotional and spiritual toll that poor duck must have endured to accept his new attractiveness. I mean, Jerry Springer made  a living on the "Look at Me NOW!" shows where former mongoloids would walk at as (generally enhanced) divas and beefcakes and woo their former crush who didn't give them a second look. They pour out with facts and how tortured they were by the treatment and the astounding lengths they would go to - the absolute obsession their looks would become. Even still, with all of the beauty - they still remained scarred and scared of the ugly they once were - crippled in the memory.

     I have spent the past year also coming to terms with being accepted by someone who I have such an attraction to. Emotionally; I still struggle with being "Good enough" (in her estimation; even better than that)...... I try and try and try to be so much better than I am now - it's a challenge on the one hand; and obsession with "measuring up" to her in the other. My only real proof on how I am doing I the question - "How does she experience me? What more can I do RIGHT by her?" Her answer is that in being me; I do so much more for her than anyone else. That she appreciates it. So why can't I settle down? Why am I always trying to be sure to think of things that aren't problems?

     Because I want her to never be unhappy near me a day in her life.

     She has mentioned that my expectation is unrealistic - but I believe it is possible. The irony is that in staring at these things and asking her - it frustrates her. Which is certainly not happy. So why can't I let things go? Just doing is so easy for us..... time passes so naturally in her aura....

     Because I still feel like the "Ugly Duckling". I was never the best looking. I always made sure to hide my iq - so I was labeled stupid. My flaws have been pointed out to my face for a lifetime. People much less than me still passed judgements on me that seared my mind's flesh. No, I am not an amalgamation of my past nor of these people's opinions..... but it feeds into the belief I carry naturally that I am not "Good Enough" to continuously provide anyone shelter or cheer or for someone to want to be around for a lifetime.....

     Yet through it all; she has remained and continues to learn new ways to impress upon me how much I mean. How I am one above the masses - not one of the many.

     In ANYTHING other than the shadows; these words sing in my heart and I continue to reach.... . reach HIGH..... for the standards she has set as an amazing woman and the standards I have for giving her the life of Fairy Tales. When the "blues" creep in; however; the song is drown out by a chorus of damning voices shining my failures...... proclaiming my weaknesses...... denouncing my deeds. The number of choruses I endure has GREATLY diminished in recent months..... with her continued perseverance and my internal efforts...... but a handful still remain. At times I feel a race against the clock..... That if my demons burn too long she might not want to stay around. But then..... Then she says wonderful things..... she will stay and we will learn to adapt. An Angel Speaks.....

     She might not always know the answers; but it is in the fact that she wants to TRY that gives me an undying devotion at her side..... and I don't tend to have all the answers yet - but it is my drive to be a perfect unit WITH her that compels me to power forward - fast and strong...... to find the cure for my "confidence cancer". I am certain that it won't be long before it eats away at me no more..... when our only discussions will fall to the unmitigated glory of our relationship - or the pressures OUTSIDE of our partnership that we will take on together. In order to be a full partner; I have to be an equal pillar..... I may lean on her at times; but it can't be a lean and hold.....

     I love you. You love me. We both have moments. I am quickly learning how to be a more solid foundation to us both.