Comes A Time....

Once upon a time

I had a dream

Dreams of a family

Dreams of dragons and

Futures and Christmas gifts

In my innocence

It all seemed so very easy.....

Once upon a time

I raged

Raged against the norm

And my peers and the

Authority figures trying to 

Label me

While I was fighting

To establish my adulthood

And define myself.....

Once upon a time

I gave up

I laid my dreams and 

Wants at the altar

Of societies judgement

Accepted my form

Busied myself with 

Idealized obligations

Lived the life I was told

Not the one I envisioned.....

Once upon a time

I stood up

Stood up to the rules and

The "Man"

Broke the grip of tyranny

I had allowed myself to 

Become slave to.......

Once upon a time

I became a man

I made a choice for a better tomorrow

At the risk of a tortured today

I gave up what I knew

Threw myself to the wind

And waited to see what awaited

Me.....

Once upon a time

I made a choice

A choice to live my dream 

And be my dream

To pursue my ambitions

And be ready should 

The time arise.....

Once upon a time

I found the dream

Sitting a world away

Huddled in her safety

Looking for her own dream

My life

Has come full circle

Once more I have

Accepted my innocence.....

Once more,

I have a dream.....

Losing Weight; Gaining Trust; Accepting Acceptance

     So today begins a new chapter in my relationship; my life; my health (mental and physical). This weekend was amazing - a visit from my love that settled my heart to the point of stillness and peace. So many things were addressed and finally settled - mainly within me. I have come to accept that I am worthy of all that she gives me. It's not done out of favor or out of pity - this woman loves me to the point where she wants me to have all the things I give to her. What a magnificent place to be - sharing love with her. Thank you, my Hummingbird.

     Today in particular was a new experience - we have decided to make some lifestyle changes - changing how we eat to head towards being more healthy. Today, as I stood in the grocery store puzzling over "lean meat" and meal substitutions - I momentarily questioned my sanity. :) However, it was evident to me that this will be better for me in the long run - and my support will (hopefully) aid my love in this endeavor - I want her to be happy and healthy with me for a lonnnnnnnnng time. I bypassed chips. I careened past candy. I slid past soda. At the end of it all (an hour later - yowza!) I came out with a series of components that will lead to better meals - how filling they will be remains to be seen. In full dicolsure - limiting my soda intake alone would probably lead me to a much better place - but I am going all out - the more I practice the better meals I can make for BOTH of us; right? I am fearful though - I am a SEVERE caffeine addict and I don't know how my body will react to this change. I am trying to go to a primarily water based drink intake - so far, so good. It would be nice to get back to a time when coke was a treat - where the caffeine actually caffienated me; it didn't just feed my addiction. Wish me luck!

     With this change in dietary habits; it occured to me how our school system fails us. Did I learn the food groups? Sure. Did I learn that "too much" is bad? Yes. I never learned the nuances though.... my same gripe I have with kids and finances that are left untaught. While I was sitting in Home Ec stitching a pillow; while I was in algebra learning about fictitious numbers; while I was being forced to sit through my fourth year of foreign languages - why wasn't I learning what makes a lean meat? Why wasn't I being given the joys of a fruit and cheese snack that was filling? We teach kids passively in these overall styles that leave them wanting for more information..... it's annoying. Yet I am learning - luckily I have a brilliant woman who can teach me or at the very least is excited to go and research with me. What a treasure.

     This Thursday; my divorce will be given a court date. The event a year in the making. It's sad - a year ago I knew it needed to be done; but I was sorrowful that this event had befallen us. In one year; the ex to be has made it a joyous event - having stepped away and looked at how she acts and acted in the past - it is now a sorrowful event that I allowed myself to be driven to the depths I was for so long. Having finally realized the final lesson last week; it is now a happy event - a moving forward. I survived. And since, I have thrived in all aspects of my life. The next phase of my life stands on the horizon - glistening in the sun; waiting. The final task is at hand and I will be free..... for good.

     I am blessed. I move forward in peace. I am ready to become at last....

There's a Large Gap Between "You're Good Enough" and....

     "I shall not want". Actions may hold meaning; but words hold POWER. I continue my march of rebirth; luckily alongside a woman who knows there are things we need to do to succeed - and allows that - as any newborn creature - I will at times stumble; even fall. However, I always get back up, quickly returning to her side. It is thanks to her grooming and time and appreciation that I am even learning..... self appreciation? Confidence? Self-Love is too erotic a term. :) Whatever it is; it is something that is slowly starting to overtake the other voices that have been my companion for so long.... It is a gentle voice telling me I can rest easy - for all of my acceptance of others; I have at long last found someone who is accepting of me - someone who loves me, even with her eyes wide open.

     There is also an enormous gulf between "Good enough" and "extraordinary" when it comes to my work as well. I don't need (or even want) to be the star of the show; but I am not content just making the team either. I want to be a part of the machine - a part that is relevant and makes it go. I am working very hard at the skills I am developing as a trainer - it's not just about the information - I am trying to learn the psychology of delivery and building rapport and determining when information goes from relevant to overkill. The information I am disseminating a large and it is important - so I take my job with a large degree of seriousness as far as giving people what they need to be successful. I might do it with the occasional fart joke - but humor is a great motivator. :) I feel like I do what I do well; I just hope it's not overshadowed by the fact that I always have a quip and a smile....

     These two thoughts feed on one another...... I get kudos at work and it feeds my self worth and makes me want to work even harder at home to please my darling. My love gives me support and validation and it drives me through those dark moments where everything at work is coming down around me.... I do my best to exist in equilibrium.... the chaos from within makes stability and certainty one of my most cherished and valued commodities. Apparently, to the outside world, my easy nature and playful attitude translate to "confidence" (Oh, it's THAT book....); but the reality is I don't stop to think - I am able to be careless with myself because I just "do". Not so much confidence as the innocent (and perhaps self focused?) ramblings of a child.....

     I can feel myself starting to gain control of my inner tumult after so long. I was NOT perfect this weekend..... but there were a number of times I stayed aware of all that I was thinking and I let a lot of the non-productive thoughts collapse under the weight of their inability to offer anything to her; me; us. I'm starting to remember that EVERYTHING doesn't HAVE to be acknowledged - it is my responsibility to give my darling (and the WORLD) those parts of me I want them to react to. I am not without fault (I may never be); but I will make it (and I am off to a great start!) so that it is an occasional occurrence and not a daily obstacle. I owe it to her. I owe it to ME. I don't LIKE that part of me - but it is MY part and it is up to me how to best utilize it...

     For so long, I was  told how I was never wanted and I was never enough. In recent years; I have begun to struggle with (and coming to terms with) the notion that I was "good enough" to have the life others have and actually have the ability to be happy. A large leap of faith.... more like a series of bunny hops for me. I'm still working on this one. Now comes this leviathan of love to introduce the idea that not only am I "good enough" - but so much more than the "Average bear". Or Average Bare. (With apologies to Yogi....) Toto, we ain't in Kansas anymore. The funny thing is - her words and actions and looks and love show this to be a fact..... I may very well become more comfortable of her premise of my remarkableness before I can accept a more broad based ideal that I of a level to accomplish those things "normal" people do. Once I accept her definition of me as above average - what happens if one day I'm just "average"? Or I am having a "Below Average" kind of day? Does the standard change if you find me more capable and I accept that standard? Do I have more option to fail? Jobs most certainly work on this principle; but I hope special now will be special always. I give because I care; I give because I can.... I don't ever want to have to compete with my own accolades in order to keep things interesting or entertaining...

     This blog isn't extra-ordinary, but hopefully it's "good enough".

All Men Were Created. But With Apologies to the Founding Fathers...

     We were not all created equal. Sometimes my blogs are catharsis. Sometimes they are things I've been chewing on for a while but don't immediately know how to address. This blog is the latter. I'm going to get away from my theme lately of writing about my life and love.... because this has been bothering me - and this site is MY world; right? I lay down gravel for you all to travel..... but it is still my gravel. :) The funny thing about the determining state of the constitution is that TJ and GW and their brethren did not believe this statement - at most it applied to the other affluent (yes, WHITE) farm and business owning gentlemen of the day. I won't go over America's history - it's no worse than any other Nation and is; in many ways; a lot better than the World's Heavyweight Champion has acted through it's tenure as superpower.

     We aren't equals. Mom and Dad do many children an injustice by telling them - "Honey, you can do ANYTHING. You just have to want it." Can desire make average great? Yes; if the desire is powerful enough. Can ambition make an absolute lack of talent into average - much less great? No. In either case; there still isn't equality - some people can just sit down and write or philosiphize or self actualize or be happy or make others happy. It is my experience that I have to work at these things. I can sit down with these people and I can hang in a conversation - but I have to concentrate on what just flows from them with ease and precision. Are we equals? Perhaps from an outside view... but the reality is the person facing me is better at these things than I am. Does that make them a superior person? No. It makes them more skilled.

     The reality is we CAN't be "EQUALS" and in the same breath "originals" or even "individuals". It's part of proper society these days (mental void that it has become) to use these terms in relation to ones self - sometimes interchangeably. People just do NOT think before they speak - so much of "small talk" has become sound bites and cliches with a sprinkle of stupidity. Like "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" without the great music. To return to the point (Oh, tangent driven blogging), it is not possible to claim equality -  we don't have similar birthrights or histories or experiences or skill sets or even physical and mental capabilities. We are only equal in our inequality. No person can, in intellectual honesty, be measured against another - without bias. To want to do so is to stare at the sun in order to go blind and "find the dark". Madness.

     More importantly; it would seem that those who seek to be "equal" are insecure about there standing - period. IF I find myself equal - I can judge myself according to this other source. I will admit, I myself am guilty of this in my daily life - I can look on the actions of others with more compassion and less harsh judgement than I can look on my own. That is my opinion of how I am. Nothing so cliche as "I am my own worst critic". How can I know? How do I know what is in the heart of those who judge me? How can I know if their words truly echo their true feelings? That said; I can only judge that which comes from inside me. And so I will. I'm trying to break the "Equal" complex - trying to determine where I stand in a series of ways.

     Why does it matter where I stand? Why do I puzzle over the "big picture". IT always returns to the same place - I want it to matter I lived. I want it to matter that you are sitting at home reading this. I want it to matter that you are standing here with me - I want it to matter that of all the things you could do with your life right now - you chose this moment with me. Will I get a final tally on this before I die? I doubt it. My mark will be after I am gone..... how many will whisper my name in moments of sorrow? How many will say my name at night to God? Will anyone shed a tear at the mention of a moment shared? Will there be laughter at another of my many former hijinks?

     I will never know - and therefore living for this purpose is means..... I will never be aware of ends. I have to try.... I have to hope. I have to hope it will matter that I lived at all....

Wet Things

     So my boss always uses the term "We are water". I fancy myself a bit of a writer. These two things merged to form the following..... (You put chocolate in my PEANUT BUTTER!)

I am water

I flow forth

Ever adaptable in

My environment

Gently rocking 

Along each curve

I am river

Rushing down towards 

The sea

Spilling over without

Heed when

I gain more emotional current 

Than I can manage

I am the ocean

Crashing mightily

Against barriers

Uncontrollable and

Unconfined in my

Tempest

I am rain

Falling carelessly from

The sky

Carefree and uninhibited

Giving birth or renewal 

To all that I find

I am water...

What's you is me....

     It is widely accepted that in order to fully love; you must also love yourself. It is occurring to me lately that it's not so much loving yourself - it's the things that go with it hat matter. It's the acceptance that you are worthy of this great gift someone else has bestowed upon you - You are worthy of tender glances; fidelity; consideration; adoration; commitment; eternity. It's a role that I am at last trying to become comfortable with for the first time. I've never had this things unconditionally - I've never had to build an acceptance of someone finding me to be meaningful. It would seem to be intuitive - but learning how to receive after a lifetime of giving is not as simple transition. That said; my love has made it a requirement - as easy as it would be to just slip into just taking all the time - she refuses to let me be just a "Tool". God Bless Her.

     Part of the disconnect has come from society and the make up of things in the current world. People have been replaced by machines. Communication is by phone, email or text - not as much in person. We are constantly bombarded by sounds to where we become accustomed to having to tune things out - and so when we do settle in to communicate with people - it can become background noise and our mind wanders.

     Speaking of minds wandering - with all of this technology and constant stimuli - we are finding it harder and harder as a nation to just settle down and relax. We are always one moment away from a random text message; an email from work; a phone call from mom - we always have the option of pulling out our phone to surf the web; play the latest video game; or just listen to music. We do these things while sitting in the presence of someone else - during dinner; at home or (especially) in the car. Television; radio; and so much more can go with us or distract us in any environment - a way of avoiding the present moment.

     Interpersonal relations are becoming increasingly weighed down with all of the common intrusions. It takes time, patience and concentration to truly COMMUNICATE with another human being. It takes a desire to close out the world and settle into a cocoon with this other person and make a relationship blossom. It's all about making a priority of what you are building with this other person - not just passively hanging out as a way to pass the time between shows. People have become secondary; where they once were the most important form of entertainment; interaction; acceptance.

     Not to sound old or like I am anti-technology; I am not. As anyone who has read this blog knows - my profession is actually as an IT professional. Technology has many positive uses - the world has shrunk; the ability to communicate and see each other with electronic media has made it easier to be away (for better AND worse); the ability to call in an instant has made it safer - as has the electronic devices in so many areas to record crime; the internet has made learning and knowledge more universally available - and increased our overall knowledge set; science continues to find a million new uses for all the things we are discovering. 

     My only worry is at what cost. IT's time to put down the phones; turn off the tv and truly interact with one another again. This is not SOLELY an American issue - but after my visit to Europe I would say it is PRIMARILY an American issue. People in these foreign countries don't have internet in some parts of these places.... and they feel no less for that. They still make sure to pay great attention to relaxing and enjoying life - sitting outside in the sun and conversing with friends and family. Meals are incredibly stout affairs of sharing food and stories and time with those you are close to. I rarely saw people eating in front of a tv; phones were not out on the table or accessed until the meal was done...... they haven't been spoiled to the point of making the electronics a priority. It's one of the things I fell in love with about being overseas..... it even shows in the basic interactions you had with people there - they still had an ability to connect with and enjoy others.

     Next time you are out to dinner with a loved one - turn your phone off. Do they not deserve even MORE respect than your office? Leave your business emails for business hours. Find time when they are around to mutually explore other things - read a book (what a concept!); check your facebook; do your bills; watch tv.... share your life with this person - don't just find time for them.

     So this blog took a definite turn of direction - but I am certainly known for going off on tangents and returning to the point. Time to tighten the reigns and return to where this began. Part of determining self worth comes from realizing that the things you do naturally can still have worth. So much of what I do is instinctual - I don't have to think about it and therefore I fail to recognize that those things do hold value..... and thus I do offer things to people that are relevant - That makes it matter that I was there - that not just anyone could have made that moment what it was. It feels nice to have someone who wants to give to me.... who insists on making it known that I am relevant. I am learning to accept.... expect?.... that I can ask for things I want or need and they are worthwhile and important. I AM good enough. That is my mantra. I am the partner she wants for life.... and it is in her judgement that proves that I AM good enough. I look to her to find how she is experiencing me... It's not up to me to interpret what I think she means. It is up to me to listen to what she says. My lessons continue to progress.... and I am steadily becoming the person I want to be for the person I want. 

     The large part of being comfortable comes from doing what is unknown - until I develop a comfort to the outcomes. That said; when I can see that all outcomes end in a positive place - I have no fear of any of the outcomes available. It's not fair to say "it could go either way" when the facts are that all outcomes lead to (at worst) another memory and another story for the ages. My darling will not leave me..... she will not want.... so any "risk" I take will not lead to a negative outcome - at worst what should have been thrilling may only have been passable..... but that's still better than a lot of life. As a human form of chaos - I have lived in the excitement that the unknown provides. When the outcomes matter - when I have something to lose - the fear sneaks in. I am accepting that there are no dark places in the light my love and I share.

     I am fascinated by all of the things I am becoming and realizing. I am in love. I am happy. At last, again,

     I AM.

“Forgiveness is the willingness to begin. Guilt is the love of staying stuck.”

       I was beginning to write a whole Hugh-tastic (Hugh Prather. RIP. Great author - Sincerely - look him up - it can change a life) blog to give the world (and myself) a snippet of calm in the storm to start the day. Then I remembered this quote. As anyone who knows me well can tell you - I remember MANY quotes by Hugh. :) That said; this particular one stuck to me this morning because of all that I have been struggling with as of late. My continual need to feel guilty for what I have done forces me to stay behind the current moment and relive that pain over and over in the moment I created it. I can't do it anymore. I have living to do and a partner to provide for - physically; emotionally and spiritually. She's moved past it; and now so can I. As long as I stay in that moment (or moments); the mere mention takes her back as well.... I am here to heal and provide joy......

“There are no absolutes for something so relative as a human life. There are no rules for something so gentle as a heart.”

Excerpt From: Prather, Hugh. “Notes to Myself.”

     I have continued to live rationally in order to not deal with the fact that - despite my best efforts - in the past I was wronged. I live never to be a  victim - which means that I always feel some responsibility for ALL the things that happen to me. However, as a close friend of mine reminded me yesterday - and as Depeche Mode warned us of years ago - "People are people." I had no control or say in the actions that ultimately impacted me - the decision was solely on someone else. Sometimes we are all just collateral damage. By maintaining it in my thoughts and allowing it to sit in the back of my mind - puzzling what I may have done - gives it more power to me now than it possibly could have been then. I can't look for patterns or warning signs or shadows...... truthfully;  I have no need to. As another of my best friends continues to remind me, "I'm not her." Indeed you are not. I may have needs that I want fulfilled; but placing additional factors on top of those needs doesn't make them any more relevant. If I need it; I need to ask for it. I don't need a reason; pattern; excuse - or even fear. I want this thing because it matters to me - and it helps me feelize (feel + realize..... Awesome!) that what I want or need matters to you to. I don't want to have to make it any more important or look for emotionally charged messages or fears to hide the fact that I am saying - "Please do this. For ME."

 “We need other people, not in order to stay alive, but to be fully human: to be affectionate, funny, playful, generous. How genuine is my capacity for love if there is no one for me to love, to laugh with, to treat tenderly, to be trusted by? I can love an idea or a vision, but I can't throw my arms around it. Unless there is someone to whom I can give my gifts, in whose hands I can entrust my dreams, who will forgive me my deformities, my aberrations, to whom I can speak the unspeakable, then I am not human. I am a thing, a gadget that performs but has no music.”

Excerpt From: Prather, Hugh. “Love and Courage.” 

     So, now it is up to me to reclaim my road. I had wandered off into the brush for a while - and thankfully - as I have blogged - there are those around me always willing to forgive me my deformities in return for my gifts. (Mostly in the form of words. Lots and LOTS of words.) I am growing each day.... the day before I die, I will be the best I can possibly be.... I want to give my Hummingbird every bit of what I have to offer - and I can do that best from a place of stillness and remembrance that - a large part of what I have become in this past year is what she has helped make me. If she will only continue to love me; to mold me; to give me everything she is - I will become everything she has ever dreamed. I love you, Jeanette.

The Darkness is Less Hectic.... When you are alone

     So, here I sit - alone, afraid, hurting - with no desire to reach out or share with anyone. I'm tired of letting my pains seep out and engulf those around me... I've done this so long that i am used to it and forget how hard it is for those around me to see and hear and feel all the things I experience as a daily event. I'm no martyr - I have no cause. I'm just a man with a mental condition that eats me up bit by bit and wears on all those who dare get close to me. With all my talk of equalities and you have to know Hell to understand Heaven - I wouldn't mind a lot more understanding of just plain old Earth. A flow of ease...... I wish my problems would just lead to having a drink - not a drinking binge. I wish I could be upset because I got a flat..... or my teams playoff chances.... or because my job was in jeopardy. No, I get upset about things that are undefinable - and thus eternally tormenting. I feel pains in my chest because everything seems so bleak and dark - and at the center of the destruction stands me and this bipolar mess I create. I have found the love of my life. I have found a job I greatly enjoy. I have a life many would envy. Yet all these things have suffered in some way due to me and this tempest of emotions I continue to embody. It's hard enough to forget a traumatic past - but when you have a tendency to fixate and dissect - these lessons become lifelong study guides. Not of a positive nature.

     All I want is to appreciate the life I have worked so long to attain. I have made my mistakes; paid my dues; lived my reality and somehow - despite it all - I find myself finally at 38 and with the life I have wanted all along. But some of the lessons BURN. They are tied to shadows - I can't always make out the threat - but I know its there and I jump at the mere sight of something moving. My girlfriend has had to answer SO many questions..... things I don't need to know - truly; things I probably didn't WANT to know..... but she does it because she loves me and wants me to have the whole truth. I then take that truth - in these dark moments - and reinforce the shadowed areas - creating shrines to my fallibility and lack of desirability. All I want is to love her and make her happy..... I think I have made that abundantly clear. But with these moments - can I ever just make her fully happy? She says I am worth it..... God, what an Angel. I believe her when she says it - I'm sure I'm worth it - but I get so ANGRY because I don't want it to be a trade off for her - I don't want her to wade through the quicksand to reach the Oasis. I just want to give her Oasis. I wish there were a way to break this bucking bronco of emotion - to bring it all under control and use the forces for GOOD only. 

     Primarily for my love - but not only her. How nice would it be for my friends to get a text from me and not have to ask - "Are you okay?" I'm the best friend you can have when I am on my game - but in these moments I become that friend that everyone has to carry home every Friday from the bar because he's drunk and pissed himself again (at least in an emotional sense!). Countless hours spent telling me what anyone would love to hear - you're good enough; you're smart enough and - doggone it - people like you! Just to have me run down my every weakness and hand them back their kind words covered in soot and ash. Who DOES that? Yet, my friends, ever vigilant - stand at the ready any time I call - ready to do battle with the enemies in my head. God bless them all.

     Not just for everyone else - but what about for me? I sit here; enveloped in a dark shroud that burns my skin and eliminates my vision. Every move I try to make to escape only brings more misery - as I cannot walk through this quagmire. At the end; all I have really learned is another thing I don't like about me. Then I feel the guilt of my actions - with my darling it seems lately I've been doing the - "It's you, it's you, it's you...... it's me". I don't mean to. In the moments we are talking I just want answers. Those answers are from her and about her but what I am searching for within her is about me. At the end of the day; I just need validation that I am doing well by people because I know I am so unpredictable and taxing. Even then, I continue to tax people by asking them to verify what they feel I should already know. By taxing them thus; I garner further guilt and a vicious cycle is born. Especially with my darling - where it becomes I am you and you are me - I owe it to her to stop this. I need to find a way to close up these gaps in my personality..... a way to stop using pasts and futures to negatively affect my present. I hope love can show me the way.....

Should I Dress in Black?

     I was reading in one of my books recently and it gave a scenario about using meditation to combat depression. The particular scenario was about loss and how many severe depressants get to a place where they feel they are no longer needed/ wanted. It was a very interesting read; but at the time I was not in the place to meditate on it. Then....

     Today when I was flying home; at one point I was asleep and I felt as if I were falling. After about 30 seconds of this feeling; I awoke to a feeling the plane was ACTUALLY falling. My immediate thought was that we were crashing and I found myself internally in a panic. My life didn't race before my eyes - or anything so cliche. My first thought was to my love and how she would feel - the second thought I had was to a saying from a Sandman comic - "Sometimes, when you fall, you wake up. And sometimes when you fall, you die. But there is a third option....." The Captain came on the intercom to apologize; but that we were experiencing massive turbulence that caused us to "Suddenly" lower our altitude for safety. "..... sometimes when you fall; you FLY." A noticeable relief was seen throughout the cabin; and I removed my heart from my throat and gave a gentle "My Love" to the atmosphere to let my Hummingbird know I was okay.Crisis averted; my adrenaline dropped and my mind started to realize that - for the first time in my life - I was afraid of dying. I have never feared the reaper before - Death was just a "deadline" (pun intended) to our work here on Earth. At long last I have found something that is worth wanting to keep the Reaper at bay for a long, long time. I love you, My One.

     After that thought, it occurred to me what I had read a few days ago. Even though my mind was a bit on the arcane side; I decided to give it a whirl. The object was to picture a world without me in it - How would my tombstone read? How would people be affected - my love, my friends, my mom, my coworkers? Who would actually attend my final performance. (It's so tempting to put "live" in there...) How would I be remembered? By whom? 

     A shocked and fearful mind is not the places for such queries; and without giving too much away - my results weren't exactly powerful. There was a gentle undertone of mostly malaise and apathy; my tombstone basically read - "OOPS!" (That would be CHARMING!) and I could only imagine a handful of people who would attend my last Earthly moments. Was it accurate? Who knows? I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon; I have finally lived long enough - to begin. The point of all this was just that - you never know. I won't be one of these doofuses that says our time is short - it takes 38 years to make a 38 year old. There are no variables on that. I will say that you never know if you are going to get all 38 of those years. I've been told by others i'm overprotective; while for myself I'm generally more lose and free. Today made me really think about this - I want my One to stay safe so I may have her for my lifetime - I suppose it is to me to do the same for her. A lot of powerful and meaningful concepts are coming clear to me under the scope of loves light. To quote the Ramones, "I Wanna Live". I have found someone who completes me. I have found a life's purpose. I have realized someone who makes me feel; makes me accountable makes me...... human. I bleed, I cry, I fear, I love, I Laugh Out Loud. I am.

     I cannot say it enough......

     YOU are my miracle.

Four Letter Words and Forever

     Love continues to show me so many things - continues to open me to the possibilities that forever with my Hummingbird will include. Like a Neil Young discography - I have gone from "The Needle and the Damage Done" to "Heart of Gold" to finally arrive at "Harvest Moon". Finding my true love has brought me into focus and all I can say is - this is forever. I have given her all of me - my love, my heart, my fears, my trust and my SELF. She has earned every bit of it; and I will not imagine my life without her.

     So, starting this week she is changing her eating style for health - and as a supportive and loving partner - I am as well. It's actually another awesome moment - she invited me along and wants to do this together. So, it is in effect a low carb diet - says the man who has lived a life of meat, potatoes, rice and bread..... i have told her many times I would do ANYTHING for her - and I feel I have proved that time and again. So I shall once more. On a personal aside; it's a very minimal thing to do for the continued health of my darling - it's just a good thing she has started teaching me months ago about eating new things. The shock won't be as much from eating (or cooking - since she taught me to cook as well!!) these foods - but from making them my constant companion. Who knows? Maybe I will even become more healthy - not something I have worried about in my life. Wanting to spend your life with someone makes extending that life relevant - I want to grow old and experience life's many phases alongside my soulmate..... today rice; tomorrow Farro; Next week - the WORLD. Wish me luck people; this is a huge challenge..... NO MORE SNICKERS FOR A WHILE. :( This is a life change..... so hopefully in 6 months snickers will go back to being a treat - not a dietary staple. :)

     Another huge event this week is my love coming to "my" place - she comes to stay in my apartment and with her presence - officially makes it "home". Our home. It allows her time away from her normal routine - letting her relax and take it easy - stress free. This week we also BOTH need to take it easy - this new eating style will initially drain us with our lessening carbs and calories. I have tried to get little things to make it feel like home for her - her own towel; her own shampoo; her own blanket. I have cleaned it to make her comfortable with it - it's not a bachelor pad - it's a second home for our love to blossom. She's had a rough month with illness - and I have a whole weekend to try and keep her still and relaxed. I can't wait!

     Work continues to go well.... My boss is awesome and I am better at my job than I imagined. When things come naturally, it's hard to really be proud - it's not work if there isn't an effort needed - but as with so much of my life; things just seem to follow a flow for me - if I stray from the flow I get lost and feel stress - feel forced. I stand up and I give people information and I give it as me - jokes and play and reflection. I have a natural predisposition to wanting others to succeed - so I suppose training is right up my alley - preparing others for what is to come. It helps so many times in life to know what you are - what your strengths are. I have busted hump to get where I am currently - but I have finally found my niche I feel. I do not want. Many in my spot are trying to move to the "next level" - there's more money to be had; better title - but I am comfortable where I am. I have achieved and I get paid well to do something that fits my personality and comes easy to me. If I press forward; the next level doesn't seem to hold that same "rhythmic" quality - is more money worth more stress? Time will tell...

     My love awaits me in bed. This time in reflection has been amazing; but now it's time to climb in to bed beside her and enter her dreams....

Child's Play

     It begins early on in our personal development - even in our early age we puzzle ourselves with "She loves me; she loves me NOT". The question is much easier rectified while demolishing a flower for an end result to our pondering. Once we get older; and foliage no longer provides us life decisions; we still do a very similar dance of figuring out how others feel about us - using their actions; their words; and our responses to these events. It becomes a much more involved process to decide who to ask out; who to pursue; who to finally choose and give it all a go. It is this process that I have undergone and made the final choice - My Hummingbird is my present and future.

     There have been a number of moments during the past 11 months where I have checked in - with myself and with her and asked - "Love me?" (Love me not would be to negatively assumptive. *Smirk*) She is a big person on things being unspoken; and sometimes she bristles when I ask her for validation. I need verbal validation at times - I am sensitive in the moment and need a light to see my way. That said; I NEVER believe in words alone. Actions stand strong and true - and her actions have ALWAYS shown me that I am wanted; cared for; and loved by her. A fellow blogger recently alluded to the big step she had made by her boyfriend establishing a drawer in her home. You should check her out - I will await her approval before mentioning her site by name. Anyhow; in the past 6 months my girlfriend has given me a drawer; the dog; time with her mom; we traveled overseas together (a first for both of us with a loved one!); we've hired a wedding coordinator (before the engagement, no less!); she's let me drive her cars and finally gave me a key to (as she has deemed it) OUR home. Awaiting her in my apartment (which she is soon to visit) are her own drawers; hangers; blankets; towels; pajamas; candles; bubble bath... with more to come. Everything is so right..... we both just feared losing one another - but as of last week and "The Stand" - we have both made it perfectly clear that we are in this together for the long haul..... A wedding awaits. There are no more questions - it's go time! We have committed to couple's counseling to strengthen our communication and to work through our personal fears that still linger - no matter how hollow and distant they seem.

     The story is no longer "She loves me; she loves me NOT"; it's now "She loves me; what can I do to better myself for her to be happy?" I won't allow myself any further questions (I haven't for quite a while - which is odd for me); it's a matter of when; not if. I continue to try and settle my mind (and thus my heart) whenever situations arise - but I have also found that not all problems that pop in my head are worth asking - there is no end positive result. It's a foreign concept for me NOT to drill down and ask every "Why?"; but not at the expense of pushing her - or causing discontent for us (in my mind). I live her; I love her; I need her; I want her; I am blessed to have her. It's not always about finding the right person only - in my case it's also about being the right person..... which she says I am. So now I wish to be more of it.... the best of her best. I love you, hummingbird.

Nightmare's of Futures Past....

      At first, I had imagined this blog as talking about how we all have a past - and that we are not defined by our past - but others judge us by these pasts. I myself am incredibly guilty of this act. However, upon reflecting on the title (one of my favorite comic archs EVER) - I came to think about an alternative - the damage my actions have done - the futures I have imagined (and lost) due to me worrying about the present based on the past with the future in mind. Well, hell - this is MY catharsis and MY blog - so why not do both? If anyone takes the time to read this - please post comments below - I am still searching for answers..... a perspective. Just because I am aware I am not always right - I can't always determine another avenue to travel....

     So here I am - 11 months into the most meaningful and emotionally powerful relationship I have ever known - and I can't seem to move past parts of my girlfriends past. Notice I say parts..... She has had past lovers - most of us have - and it bothers me to think of her still interacting with them on any level. Not just talking to them currently (which she does not); but even the mere mention of past shenanigans drives me mad. I don't talk to any of my past conquests - and I try to not discuss them with her in any way. I am not sure if I am somehow threatened by what they were (why else tell me?); or if I feel that if it is past - let's leave it there and not drag it into the now; or if I want to just imagine I am the only one - even though all facts acknowledge otherwise. I'm SLOWLY learning to curb the questions (as the Fly said.... "I'm getting....... BETTER") - but I do wish I wasn't put in the position to even have to handle them. Once known; things cannot be UNKNOWN...... unless I develop amnesia. That would be inconvenient! The part of her past that I do not give NEARLY enough respect to in this matter is that it is very clear that she in undyingly loyal and faithful and my concerns are only of the thoughts she has - I have no belief that she would do anything outside of the bounds we have set in our deeply committed relationship. That said; I can't imagine her sitting down for drinks with one of her past..... "moments". Dude leering lustily and remembering that one night...... it drives me crazy to imagine. We haven't faced that yet; which leads to my second interpretation.... 

     How many times haveI imagined futures that were sabotaged due to me acting out based on fears of what could be - that were normally not realized. Many of those fears were based on past conditions - mine or the person who I was with. I don't want to be a slave to my emotions - I am working on regaining the security I once shared - with people who were much less worthy than this wonderful woman I am now with. So much of this is me - within my head. My heart. So much of it was quelled this weekend when she admitted how much she needed me - she was afraid to lose ME. What an absolutely foreign concept - for so many; for so long; I have been interchangeable and disposable. Now I have found the most important person in my life - and she feels the same about me. I puzzle over my insecurities now because I don't want any stumbling blocks in our journey towards forever....

     At long last I have what I wanted. And She wants me. Now I am doing the work to be the best choice she has ever made - and the work to give her the life that I can give her - trying every day to make her as happy as she can be and giving her the love I can give her so completely. I am ready and willing to give my everything for this to all change..... to go Back to the Future we have imagined together....

A View from the Podium

     "Our quest for love springs from a yearning for wholeness.  Wholeness is achieved when we begin to care for another's self-interest as we would our own.  We cannot expect to find this wholeness if we blindly trudge through one romantic entanglement after another, seeking only self gratification.  A whole person is one who discovers his or her highest, most sacred self on the way toward finding another.  A whole person is also one who can share his or her life totally with someone else, knowing that it means a much greater life than he or she could ever have alone."

                                                                                                     - Harville Hendrix

     

     For so long, so many of us continue to try on new ideas and new beliefs and new relationships and new careers in the hope of a perfect fit. Mating seems to be the one we so often move along with - for reasons I have chronicled before. There does come a moment though; a moment where we finally see what really matters and how shallow and unfitting it is to treat things in life arbitrarily - especially relationships. For so long I had idealized that all relationships came with pitfalls and pleasure - you could interchange the woman but the outline was generally the same.

     Now that SHE has arrived; no other is even remotely similar enough to utter in the same breath.

     Today's thoughts aren't another ode to my Hummingbird; however. Today I found great joy (and great hope) in the conversations I had with two friends of mine. One is married; the other a long time committed to his woman.... but both had been serial philanderers for years now. This isn't a judgement (as I too have sinned); just a statement on where they have come from. Both lead lives that allow them to "indulge" their habit without fear of reprisal - and they have indulged it well. In another life; when my misery was palpable and my morals selfish - these men and I would share many moments of discussing our conquests - we were beating the system by getting what we wanted from as many outlets as possible. There's a shared bond in being self determined...

     Once I began my current relationship; that all changed for me. I would speak of the wonders I had found.... She, my miracle. When they asked me how I could speak of these things and how different I seemed - I tried to show them that it was not me that had changed - I had just at long last found a love that was worth having - a person who I held in the same regard as my self. I never preached for them to turn from the "dark"; only encouraged them to look at what they had and see if they truly needed anything else. Their paths remained the same; but our talks slowly turned to how they wanted what I had too...

      I spoke to each of those men individually today. They have come to believe that everything they need - they had all along. I am proud of these men - and if in any small way I was able to help them in appreciating what they had before it was gone - I am honored. The reality is - Guys, if you treat her as irreplaceable; most women WILL work to live up to that. Ladies, if you show him he IS your everything - that you DO need him; most MEN will live up to that standard and be there for you. This isn't to say every person is going to be your fit - but when you finally find the one who matters - don't treat them like all of the rest. Give them the respect of being worth giving you what you want.

There's No Such Thing as Best....

     In a world of individuals. This is one of my favorite quotes by my favorite author - Hugh Prather. It starts off todays thoughts because of something a buddy of mine said recently. He was telling me tales of a conversation he had recently had where a friend had told him he could do better. Better than his girlfriend. Better than his playmates. I couldn't help but agree - if he feels he has the potential for a "better" mate; who am I to disagree? The more I have thought about it however; the more I come to question.....

     "Better at what?"

     In a world of individuals - there will ALWAYS be a better to things that can be judged: Better looks; more money; better cooking; better sex; better conversation; better smile. (Well; not always smile - my girl has the best smile I have ever seen. Anywhere. In the history of ever. :} Just sayin'.) Is that what matters? Finding the best looking or cooking or smiling mate? It seems an endless road of searching for the "next big thing". I'm not saying one should settle for whatever crumbs that lay at one's feet; but at what point is it enough?

     For me; it has always been the intangibles that made all the difference. There is no one better in my life at sharing a moment and sharing themselves while also sharing me than the woman I have fallen in love with. My ex never gave me the level of understanding and importance that my love does now. That is why I spent years finally looking to replace her; because I knew there had to be something "better". It took 12 years before I realized I DESERVED better..... but at some point the instinct to be treated like a human being overrode my commitment to a long dead relationship. There are certainly times when the desires within us war with one another - but at the end of the day we always need to try and do what we feel is ultimately best for our present..... and our future. Addition by subtraction. I never knew my love was out there; waiting for me. I only knew SOMETHING better must await....

     So I was right. So now what? I have forsaken the idea of better because I find that I have all I need. MORE than I need in some ways. It would be cliche to continue the search for bustier or lustier or kinkier or more giving. I am not the norm. And I do not want. In her; even in her faults..... ESPECIALLY in her faults; I have all that I need. I have not settled - I have found the promised land. I have peace. I have love. I have her.

     What more is there?

Could You, Would You, With a Heart.....?

     Just because I can doesn't mean I should. I find that a running theme in my life is that I have the ability to do many things - to test many boundaries and get to places with/ within people that most individuals don't. With this greater power (so to speak) comes greater responsibility - not only to the person I'm dealing with but also to myself and not pushing just for the sake of pushing. It's a hard balance to create; but the pitfalls of not doing so is that I can create problems where none have existed before. In all walks of life; I find this a running theme and I fight so hard to avoid it's tempting lure.....

     The first place it arises is in my personal relationship. I find myself wanting an answer or missing a feeling and I want my significant other to provide me reassurance. To avoid the embarrassment of being weak and just asking; I will ask in such a way to suppose the answer (generally a negative answer). My Girlfriend loves me; so of course she provides me the feedback I crave - but at the cost of her feelings now being hurt or at least she supposes that she doesn't give me this thing I wanted to know about. No matter how intellectual my remarks are about how the insecurity lies with me and not her - this is not what her heart hears. It hears that I am in need; despite all of her best efforts. Over time it builds up an emotional block and it hurts her. I NEVER want to hurt the woman I love so very much; so then I gain a complex about the fact I have hurt this woman - I even become remorseful - and a catch 22 is born. Of course I can always ask things - and because she loves me she will always do what she can to set me at ease. In the long term, however, it could begin to erode this perfect rhythm we have had for so long. My trouble comes in my impulse - I so often act on instinct and impulse - while this is a boon in playful social situations; it can often be to OUR detriment when our emotions are involved. I am blessed to have such an understanding and loving partner who forgives me my indiscretions - but at some point I have to learn the lesson or forgiveness could give way to apathy... or resentment. How do I make sure she is happy while also getting through those testy (personal) moments? How do I just KNOW that everything is going right? In my attempt to move forward; how do I avoid this motive that seems to keep us stuck?

     This conundrum also occurs in my workplace. My bosses have generally always seemed to like me and let me get away with more than most - because I am affable and productive. Once more, in pushing the envelope, how much can these people take? They don't want to give up on a productive employee - but at what point is it a detriment to have someone who produces only when they are at full capacity? So often I cower in the face of my bipolar - it overtakes me and leaves me unable to function - it's understandable certainly - but life moves on without you. In time; so do employers....

     In the long run, we are all creatures of our own magnificent design. That said; my bipolar makes up SO MUCH of what I am - as it constantly casts a hue on my actions and my interpretations of the world. In emotional relationships; it only gets intensified by the past and the things I have gone through. Is it fair to my love that she pay for the sins of those in the past? Those that meant less to me than she does? She - a woman who has given me her trust - her everything - when it was such a risk? No, its not fair. But she allows me my moments - and we continue to fight through them. In thinking of all she has given me, it boggles the mind. How many people would allow you to say the FIRST NIGHT you met that they could see a future with you - and come back for a second date? How many people would be willing to get attached to/ date a man who was separated...... and travels for a living? How many would allow full access to themselves so freely - especially when the standard she had set was to keep safe from everyone? How many women would hear your darkest secrets.... and state that the two of you would work through them together? I'll tell you - there can be only one. For all of my "uniqueness" and "individuality"...

     I have fallen in love with one of a kind. One of a kind in all of the beautiful and majestic ways that make her the woman I dreamed of and prayed for so long......

     I owe it to us to give her my best.... to learn how to give her nothing but the best of me. This blog will be a testament to that fact - and when I am feeling down or dark I will come here and rest in the light of this moment.

     You may never see this; but I love you baby. The rest of my life; my heart and my soul belong to you. Please keep them at your side; always.....

There's a Light after Darkness.....

       So this weekend gave way to a litany of varying emotions - and my girlfiancee' and my had our first true disagreement. At points I snapped at her; at points she cried; at points we both worried what damage we may have caused our relationship - and at the end we said all we had to say and we were better for it. It wasn't easy though.... the "watershed moment" came at 5 this morning when I was supposed to be leaving for the airport and my love was crying because she believed I didn't want to come home next weekend - that I was deserting her. I had a choice - climb in the car and report to work to avoid problem; the "responsible" option. OR what I did - I sent the driver away with apologies - rebooked my flight - and sat down with the single most important decision and most important individual in my life. I may lose a job, money, clothes - but those things can be replaced. The woman I have searched my whole life for - the woman I have spent 11 months building one of the greatest things in the history of EVER - she needed me and THAT was my priority. I know (oh Lord, HOW I know) that logic flies in the face of "acceptable society" - where people sacrifice everything for the bottom dollar and career advancement. I have always placed my onus of individual growth on my personal relationships. You have to be willing to sacrifice - to give extra effort - be willing to lose EVERYTHING to keep the person you are with. The payoff in the long run is always more fulfilling and meaningful - not many great stories came from being me team lead at the local grocer. And the only people who will ultimately matter are those who surround you on your deathbed.

     That's not to say I HAVEN'T been successful in my work life - Almost despite myself I make a darn good living that allows me to explore the country. I suppose the lesson is that as long as you stay true to yourself; things have a way of finding their place. Well, that and that sometimes its better to be lucky than good. :)  I have the intelligence that I can do anything - and I have used my skills to do just that. I didn't need a degree and I didn't have to kiss butt or give my life over to a company. I just learned what I could and when I show up - I make myself noticeable and relevant. However, I will call out in a moment to satisfy the woman I love.

     Part of that of course is a testament to my bipolar condition - impulsiveness and making decisions without the benefit of considering consequence. As well as I have done - I could have been so much further in certain areas if I made just one different decision here or there. There's always a trade off - and my first authority is always my self - regardless of whether the wiring is frayed or the machine is broken. I ultimately have to believe that my internal wiring is enough to get me the things I need and want. So, it continues.

     Next weekend, I WILL be at my loves side...... she has an appointment to go get pampered and get some of the alone time she desires..... and our nights will be spent alongside one another in continual coupling bliss. In less than 6 weeks; I will ask her to marry me and we will continue moving towards our final declaration of our life spent together - no more questions; no more qualms. I've told her many times - I cannot imagine not being able to wake up each day and talk to her - see her face - feel her smile. That is the best definition of love I possess....

The Downside of Conscience

     Whenever I do something that isn't exactly right in my relationship; I feel as if I have betrayed my significant other - as if everything I have done right in the past can be wiped out in this one moment of imperfection. It's a illogical ideal - but I want so badly to do everything just right. I have spent so much of my life just going through the motions - just getting by and not giving a damn - but I have finally matured to the point that things DO matter and I want to give my all - True love has caused me to bloom; to grow; to become what I was meant to be. With it; however, comes the driving force to always want to do right - the spectre that what has been given can be taken away should my humanity intrude. Ah, bipolar at its absolute finest. Where is the in between - the belief that I won't lose this woman and the alternative need to be aware and give my all? It is often explained to me that the fact I even TRY to give my all is the reason I have this - but the fact that my results are generally for the best cannot hurt either. I find it impossible to accept my virtues..... While being able to trumpet my every failing. I am the perfect antithesis to so many people..... and its a burden in that sense. I wish I could see what I do well as clearly as I see my shortcomings.

      As such, I cannot discount that I do have a great many people who do enjoy me - and a select few that truly love me. The close ones are all amazing people - so in some way I have to imagine they wouldn't "slum it" by associating or getting close to a loser. This may not be the most resounding all to arms for self satisfaction ever - but its the best I can generally muster. I will never be confused with arrogant - but I am self deprecating to the point of irritation for those that love me. It's not a matter of self worth - I am what I am. There is no scale for me there. It becomes a matter of understanding - understanding that I am at times just going to need the verbal pick me up I never received before. Is it fair to place that burden on others? Perhaps not. I'm not trying to be unjust - but all the things I do for people comes with the price of letting me KNOW how much it means to you. Where is the harm in that?

     Of course, that said; who am I to ask that? Ask anything? Why isn't it just enough that I do it? At the end of the day; I want what I have always wanted - I want it to MATTER that I lived. I want each life I touch deeply to have one moment where all that can be said is..... "Brett was here". Not in a pompous manner - Just as a validation that knowing me was beneficial to you. It again raises a question of whether it's right to place that on another persons shoulders - but what can I say but....

"I am what I am"? 

Hey, what's in this box in the Corner?

Well, It has been quite some time and I have rediscovered this little gem of a blog o' mine. Alot has happened since last I posted - here are the cliff notes - - I continue my battle with manic depression. As I will for life. But I have at last found a reason to rely on my meds.... - That reason is the love of my life. We have been together 11 months; and I have never felt so fully and absolutely in love.... - We went to Europe together for 3 weeks.... and came out stronger. My first time off American soil and it was all amazing.... - I am less than a month from finalizing my divorce. The ex has been less than accommodating - but I have come to found out SHE lost her missing piece - I found mine - All previous relationships/ womanizing/ searches have long been put away. The first night I met my love; I knew she was the one..... and I was right. So, where does that leave my blog? Somewhere around where it began - to be honest. I started this blog as a suggestion from my therapist as a way to work through my feelings outside of the confines of my head - and even though the situations have changed; the ideal remains. On the outside; my life is a blessing beyond compare - I am successful and achieving at my job; I have been off American soil; I moved to "The City" with my love; I found the woman I have searched a lifetime for; I have rid myself of many false friends; I have gained and maintained friends; I am soon to be engaged. What problems? To paraphrase The Cranberries - "It's in my heeeeeeeeeead..." However, I am no Zombie. Yet. (Brainnnnnnnnnnssssssss) The very definition of a person is personality - and mine is built on flawed vision..... I can always sneak behind my own defenses with my bipolar.... Like a ninja hiding in the castle. I know all my weaknesses; my fears - and when I get in a mood I am quick to pile on my own inferiority as a reason for the darkness that envelopes me. A negative answer is better than no answer at all; it would seem..... But what I am remembering is that most times the answer is just that my make up is just a bit off - where others are apathetic; I tend towards the depressed. Everything seems to have a meaning to me - and those things that are important (job, relationships) are of penultimate necessity. I have finally - after many years of being slave to the swaying emotional climate - come back to the idea that my emotions are MINE to control and express - not something outside of me I that I owe anything to. If I feel negative and at the same time positive - is it not up to me which I choose to express? The negative so often taints or even injures - where is the decency...... the HUMANITY.... in that? So, the love of my life. My one - my only. It is not to much to say that I have been better to this woman than I ever imagined possible - even for me. So often in the past I would question friends, family, therapists - what is love like? I don't know that I have felt it in the hollywood/ love song/ poetic/ Biblical sense. I can now say without question that I did NOT know it - until I met this woman. I find times where I will just be looking at her and tears well up in my eyes - a sheer expression of joy and love. I always find myself wanting to be more, do more and give more to this woman. I am going to make a point to blog more - it does release my inner demons.... and hopefully gives some of you out there HOPE.