Child's Play

     It begins early on in our personal development - even in our early age we puzzle ourselves with "She loves me; she loves me NOT". The question is much easier rectified while demolishing a flower for an end result to our pondering. Once we get older; and foliage no longer provides us life decisions; we still do a very similar dance of figuring out how others feel about us - using their actions; their words; and our responses to these events. It becomes a much more involved process to decide who to ask out; who to pursue; who to finally choose and give it all a go. It is this process that I have undergone and made the final choice - My Hummingbird is my present and future.

     There have been a number of moments during the past 11 months where I have checked in - with myself and with her and asked - "Love me?" (Love me not would be to negatively assumptive. *Smirk*) She is a big person on things being unspoken; and sometimes she bristles when I ask her for validation. I need verbal validation at times - I am sensitive in the moment and need a light to see my way. That said; I NEVER believe in words alone. Actions stand strong and true - and her actions have ALWAYS shown me that I am wanted; cared for; and loved by her. A fellow blogger recently alluded to the big step she had made by her boyfriend establishing a drawer in her home. You should check her out - I will await her approval before mentioning her site by name. Anyhow; in the past 6 months my girlfriend has given me a drawer; the dog; time with her mom; we traveled overseas together (a first for both of us with a loved one!); we've hired a wedding coordinator (before the engagement, no less!); she's let me drive her cars and finally gave me a key to (as she has deemed it) OUR home. Awaiting her in my apartment (which she is soon to visit) are her own drawers; hangers; blankets; towels; pajamas; candles; bubble bath... with more to come. Everything is so right..... we both just feared losing one another - but as of last week and "The Stand" - we have both made it perfectly clear that we are in this together for the long haul..... A wedding awaits. There are no more questions - it's go time! We have committed to couple's counseling to strengthen our communication and to work through our personal fears that still linger - no matter how hollow and distant they seem.

     The story is no longer "She loves me; she loves me NOT"; it's now "She loves me; what can I do to better myself for her to be happy?" I won't allow myself any further questions (I haven't for quite a while - which is odd for me); it's a matter of when; not if. I continue to try and settle my mind (and thus my heart) whenever situations arise - but I have also found that not all problems that pop in my head are worth asking - there is no end positive result. It's a foreign concept for me NOT to drill down and ask every "Why?"; but not at the expense of pushing her - or causing discontent for us (in my mind). I live her; I love her; I need her; I want her; I am blessed to have her. It's not always about finding the right person only - in my case it's also about being the right person..... which she says I am. So now I wish to be more of it.... the best of her best. I love you, hummingbird.