Should I Dress in Black?

     I was reading in one of my books recently and it gave a scenario about using meditation to combat depression. The particular scenario was about loss and how many severe depressants get to a place where they feel they are no longer needed/ wanted. It was a very interesting read; but at the time I was not in the place to meditate on it. Then....

     Today when I was flying home; at one point I was asleep and I felt as if I were falling. After about 30 seconds of this feeling; I awoke to a feeling the plane was ACTUALLY falling. My immediate thought was that we were crashing and I found myself internally in a panic. My life didn't race before my eyes - or anything so cliche. My first thought was to my love and how she would feel - the second thought I had was to a saying from a Sandman comic - "Sometimes, when you fall, you wake up. And sometimes when you fall, you die. But there is a third option....." The Captain came on the intercom to apologize; but that we were experiencing massive turbulence that caused us to "Suddenly" lower our altitude for safety. "..... sometimes when you fall; you FLY." A noticeable relief was seen throughout the cabin; and I removed my heart from my throat and gave a gentle "My Love" to the atmosphere to let my Hummingbird know I was okay.Crisis averted; my adrenaline dropped and my mind started to realize that - for the first time in my life - I was afraid of dying. I have never feared the reaper before - Death was just a "deadline" (pun intended) to our work here on Earth. At long last I have found something that is worth wanting to keep the Reaper at bay for a long, long time. I love you, My One.

     After that thought, it occurred to me what I had read a few days ago. Even though my mind was a bit on the arcane side; I decided to give it a whirl. The object was to picture a world without me in it - How would my tombstone read? How would people be affected - my love, my friends, my mom, my coworkers? Who would actually attend my final performance. (It's so tempting to put "live" in there...) How would I be remembered? By whom? 

     A shocked and fearful mind is not the places for such queries; and without giving too much away - my results weren't exactly powerful. There was a gentle undertone of mostly malaise and apathy; my tombstone basically read - "OOPS!" (That would be CHARMING!) and I could only imagine a handful of people who would attend my last Earthly moments. Was it accurate? Who knows? I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon; I have finally lived long enough - to begin. The point of all this was just that - you never know. I won't be one of these doofuses that says our time is short - it takes 38 years to make a 38 year old. There are no variables on that. I will say that you never know if you are going to get all 38 of those years. I've been told by others i'm overprotective; while for myself I'm generally more lose and free. Today made me really think about this - I want my One to stay safe so I may have her for my lifetime - I suppose it is to me to do the same for her. A lot of powerful and meaningful concepts are coming clear to me under the scope of loves light. To quote the Ramones, "I Wanna Live". I have found someone who completes me. I have found a life's purpose. I have realized someone who makes me feel; makes me accountable makes me...... human. I bleed, I cry, I fear, I love, I Laugh Out Loud. I am.

     I cannot say it enough......

     YOU are my miracle.