“Forgiveness is the willingness to begin. Guilt is the love of staying stuck.”

       I was beginning to write a whole Hugh-tastic (Hugh Prather. RIP. Great author - Sincerely - look him up - it can change a life) blog to give the world (and myself) a snippet of calm in the storm to start the day. Then I remembered this quote. As anyone who knows me well can tell you - I remember MANY quotes by Hugh. :) That said; this particular one stuck to me this morning because of all that I have been struggling with as of late. My continual need to feel guilty for what I have done forces me to stay behind the current moment and relive that pain over and over in the moment I created it. I can't do it anymore. I have living to do and a partner to provide for - physically; emotionally and spiritually. She's moved past it; and now so can I. As long as I stay in that moment (or moments); the mere mention takes her back as well.... I am here to heal and provide joy......

“There are no absolutes for something so relative as a human life. There are no rules for something so gentle as a heart.”

Excerpt From: Prather, Hugh. “Notes to Myself.”

     I have continued to live rationally in order to not deal with the fact that - despite my best efforts - in the past I was wronged. I live never to be a  victim - which means that I always feel some responsibility for ALL the things that happen to me. However, as a close friend of mine reminded me yesterday - and as Depeche Mode warned us of years ago - "People are people." I had no control or say in the actions that ultimately impacted me - the decision was solely on someone else. Sometimes we are all just collateral damage. By maintaining it in my thoughts and allowing it to sit in the back of my mind - puzzling what I may have done - gives it more power to me now than it possibly could have been then. I can't look for patterns or warning signs or shadows...... truthfully;  I have no need to. As another of my best friends continues to remind me, "I'm not her." Indeed you are not. I may have needs that I want fulfilled; but placing additional factors on top of those needs doesn't make them any more relevant. If I need it; I need to ask for it. I don't need a reason; pattern; excuse - or even fear. I want this thing because it matters to me - and it helps me feelize (feel + realize..... Awesome!) that what I want or need matters to you to. I don't want to have to make it any more important or look for emotionally charged messages or fears to hide the fact that I am saying - "Please do this. For ME."

 “We need other people, not in order to stay alive, but to be fully human: to be affectionate, funny, playful, generous. How genuine is my capacity for love if there is no one for me to love, to laugh with, to treat tenderly, to be trusted by? I can love an idea or a vision, but I can't throw my arms around it. Unless there is someone to whom I can give my gifts, in whose hands I can entrust my dreams, who will forgive me my deformities, my aberrations, to whom I can speak the unspeakable, then I am not human. I am a thing, a gadget that performs but has no music.”

Excerpt From: Prather, Hugh. “Love and Courage.” 

     So, now it is up to me to reclaim my road. I had wandered off into the brush for a while - and thankfully - as I have blogged - there are those around me always willing to forgive me my deformities in return for my gifts. (Mostly in the form of words. Lots and LOTS of words.) I am growing each day.... the day before I die, I will be the best I can possibly be.... I want to give my Hummingbird every bit of what I have to offer - and I can do that best from a place of stillness and remembrance that - a large part of what I have become in this past year is what she has helped make me. If she will only continue to love me; to mold me; to give me everything she is - I will become everything she has ever dreamed. I love you, Jeanette.