The Downside of Conscience

     Whenever I do something that isn't exactly right in my relationship; I feel as if I have betrayed my significant other - as if everything I have done right in the past can be wiped out in this one moment of imperfection. It's a illogical ideal - but I want so badly to do everything just right. I have spent so much of my life just going through the motions - just getting by and not giving a damn - but I have finally matured to the point that things DO matter and I want to give my all - True love has caused me to bloom; to grow; to become what I was meant to be. With it; however, comes the driving force to always want to do right - the spectre that what has been given can be taken away should my humanity intrude. Ah, bipolar at its absolute finest. Where is the in between - the belief that I won't lose this woman and the alternative need to be aware and give my all? It is often explained to me that the fact I even TRY to give my all is the reason I have this - but the fact that my results are generally for the best cannot hurt either. I find it impossible to accept my virtues..... While being able to trumpet my every failing. I am the perfect antithesis to so many people..... and its a burden in that sense. I wish I could see what I do well as clearly as I see my shortcomings.

      As such, I cannot discount that I do have a great many people who do enjoy me - and a select few that truly love me. The close ones are all amazing people - so in some way I have to imagine they wouldn't "slum it" by associating or getting close to a loser. This may not be the most resounding all to arms for self satisfaction ever - but its the best I can generally muster. I will never be confused with arrogant - but I am self deprecating to the point of irritation for those that love me. It's not a matter of self worth - I am what I am. There is no scale for me there. It becomes a matter of understanding - understanding that I am at times just going to need the verbal pick me up I never received before. Is it fair to place that burden on others? Perhaps not. I'm not trying to be unjust - but all the things I do for people comes with the price of letting me KNOW how much it means to you. Where is the harm in that?

     Of course, that said; who am I to ask that? Ask anything? Why isn't it just enough that I do it? At the end of the day; I want what I have always wanted - I want it to MATTER that I lived. I want each life I touch deeply to have one moment where all that can be said is..... "Brett was here". Not in a pompous manner - Just as a validation that knowing me was beneficial to you. It again raises a question of whether it's right to place that on another persons shoulders - but what can I say but....

"I am what I am"?