Hey, what's in this box in the Corner?

Well, It has been quite some time and I have rediscovered this little gem of a blog o' mine. Alot has happened since last I posted - here are the cliff notes - - I continue my battle with manic depression. As I will for life. But I have at last found a reason to rely on my meds.... - That reason is the love of my life. We have been together 11 months; and I have never felt so fully and absolutely in love.... - We went to Europe together for 3 weeks.... and came out stronger. My first time off American soil and it was all amazing.... - I am less than a month from finalizing my divorce. The ex has been less than accommodating - but I have come to found out SHE lost her missing piece - I found mine - All previous relationships/ womanizing/ searches have long been put away. The first night I met my love; I knew she was the one..... and I was right. So, where does that leave my blog? Somewhere around where it began - to be honest. I started this blog as a suggestion from my therapist as a way to work through my feelings outside of the confines of my head - and even though the situations have changed; the ideal remains. On the outside; my life is a blessing beyond compare - I am successful and achieving at my job; I have been off American soil; I moved to "The City" with my love; I found the woman I have searched a lifetime for; I have rid myself of many false friends; I have gained and maintained friends; I am soon to be engaged. What problems? To paraphrase The Cranberries - "It's in my heeeeeeeeeead..." However, I am no Zombie. Yet. (Brainnnnnnnnnnssssssss) The very definition of a person is personality - and mine is built on flawed vision..... I can always sneak behind my own defenses with my bipolar.... Like a ninja hiding in the castle. I know all my weaknesses; my fears - and when I get in a mood I am quick to pile on my own inferiority as a reason for the darkness that envelopes me. A negative answer is better than no answer at all; it would seem..... But what I am remembering is that most times the answer is just that my make up is just a bit off - where others are apathetic; I tend towards the depressed. Everything seems to have a meaning to me - and those things that are important (job, relationships) are of penultimate necessity. I have finally - after many years of being slave to the swaying emotional climate - come back to the idea that my emotions are MINE to control and express - not something outside of me I that I owe anything to. If I feel negative and at the same time positive - is it not up to me which I choose to express? The negative so often taints or even injures - where is the decency...... the HUMANITY.... in that? So, the love of my life. My one - my only. It is not to much to say that I have been better to this woman than I ever imagined possible - even for me. So often in the past I would question friends, family, therapists - what is love like? I don't know that I have felt it in the hollywood/ love song/ poetic/ Biblical sense. I can now say without question that I did NOT know it - until I met this woman. I find times where I will just be looking at her and tears well up in my eyes - a sheer expression of joy and love. I always find myself wanting to be more, do more and give more to this woman. I am going to make a point to blog more - it does release my inner demons.... and hopefully gives some of you out there HOPE.