Losing Weight; Gaining Trust; Accepting Acceptance

     So today begins a new chapter in my relationship; my life; my health (mental and physical). This weekend was amazing - a visit from my love that settled my heart to the point of stillness and peace. So many things were addressed and finally settled - mainly within me. I have come to accept that I am worthy of all that she gives me. It's not done out of favor or out of pity - this woman loves me to the point where she wants me to have all the things I give to her. What a magnificent place to be - sharing love with her. Thank you, my Hummingbird.

     Today in particular was a new experience - we have decided to make some lifestyle changes - changing how we eat to head towards being more healthy. Today, as I stood in the grocery store puzzling over "lean meat" and meal substitutions - I momentarily questioned my sanity. :) However, it was evident to me that this will be better for me in the long run - and my support will (hopefully) aid my love in this endeavor - I want her to be happy and healthy with me for a lonnnnnnnnng time. I bypassed chips. I careened past candy. I slid past soda. At the end of it all (an hour later - yowza!) I came out with a series of components that will lead to better meals - how filling they will be remains to be seen. In full dicolsure - limiting my soda intake alone would probably lead me to a much better place - but I am going all out - the more I practice the better meals I can make for BOTH of us; right? I am fearful though - I am a SEVERE caffeine addict and I don't know how my body will react to this change. I am trying to go to a primarily water based drink intake - so far, so good. It would be nice to get back to a time when coke was a treat - where the caffeine actually caffienated me; it didn't just feed my addiction. Wish me luck!

     With this change in dietary habits; it occured to me how our school system fails us. Did I learn the food groups? Sure. Did I learn that "too much" is bad? Yes. I never learned the nuances though.... my same gripe I have with kids and finances that are left untaught. While I was sitting in Home Ec stitching a pillow; while I was in algebra learning about fictitious numbers; while I was being forced to sit through my fourth year of foreign languages - why wasn't I learning what makes a lean meat? Why wasn't I being given the joys of a fruit and cheese snack that was filling? We teach kids passively in these overall styles that leave them wanting for more information..... it's annoying. Yet I am learning - luckily I have a brilliant woman who can teach me or at the very least is excited to go and research with me. What a treasure.

     This Thursday; my divorce will be given a court date. The event a year in the making. It's sad - a year ago I knew it needed to be done; but I was sorrowful that this event had befallen us. In one year; the ex to be has made it a joyous event - having stepped away and looked at how she acts and acted in the past - it is now a sorrowful event that I allowed myself to be driven to the depths I was for so long. Having finally realized the final lesson last week; it is now a happy event - a moving forward. I survived. And since, I have thrived in all aspects of my life. The next phase of my life stands on the horizon - glistening in the sun; waiting. The final task is at hand and I will be free..... for good.

     I am blessed. I move forward in peace. I am ready to become at last....