To Manage or to Lead?

     You know what i can't stand? Someone who won't hear the people aaround them; but makes decisions that have long ranging impact for all.Also, a hypocrite. (While we are at it; mushrooms!!) My day (and recent weeks) have been peppered with these ham fisted, silly, unitntelligible dictates from a person who I have to listen to in order to get something I want for as long as I can.

      That fact does not make it any less a pain in the hiney.

       How many people out there have a boss that seems to make decisions that no one else approves of or understands? I would assume a lot of you, many of those in the "blue collar" demographic have to put up with some well educated (but not generally sensible) talking suit that just doesn't get what we all know inherently. Often these people are not aware of how they are truly seen by those they deal with; they just take things at face value becuase - who could not like them for bringing you a mirror with the company logo on it - to remind you to smile? Then, we, the people, try to diplomatically say that there wil be a negative downstream effect; to no response. What woud the people who actually do the work each day know; right?? We don't have our little degrees and a nice desk or a cool title.

      What we have is a true understanding about what it takes to do what we do every day.

      It's easy to sit on that high horse and talk about all these theories you learned in school (many of which ONLY work in a perfect world), expecting to be met with great vigor and thanks by the little people. Then they move on to their next "cause", assuming the success of the process. How can it not succceed?? ECO/ 201 says this works! Learning without experience/ sense/ true understanding is arrogance. Come down for a day and do what I do - don't ask my boss. Learn the realities of this job and this moment - don't just place a blanket idea on all problems.

      And a smile and an "'Atta Boy!" will not make up for not listening. I would rather be heard than praised.

     Nonetheless, I keep paddling. The future is uncertain, and for now the price I must pay is to make it look good; not actually DO any good. I have been told many times by those I was charged with working with that I would be a great leader. That's not for me to decide. I think the reason people feel that way is I have NEVER let a title take me away from the fact that we are all working towards the same goal. I am going to class to learn concepts; never to force them on others; but to offer them as ideas and let the people have a say. I have been asked in my current role what I thought it takes to be a leader. My answer would never fly in the annals of "book learnin'", but from my experience: A leader understands the truths of what the people under them are facing. Then offers solutions and makes those under them equally accountable. What does that mean for me in the grand scheme of things? Right now, nothing. I am a cog in the machine that doesn't make anything; but looks nice. In time, however, I hope my years of experience BACKED by a future degree will allow me to do something more. Something greater.

        All I know is, spinning your wheels is a frustrating, helpless feeling. Yet I will spin until I gain nothing more from it.

    The final prompt for November was "inevitable". :)

I've tried every way 

I can think of

To tell you that

I don't want to speak

With you anymore.

Your communications are forceful;

Your demands are needy

And incessant;

You seek to stand in the way

Of my continued growth.

I don't hate you for

What you want;

it just does not mesh 

With what I want more.

Your letters have recently

Grown threatening,

And I am not comfortable

With what you have proposed.

I have some decisions to

Make in order to avoid

The chains you allude to.

Why must you insist,

I want no part of you,

Taxman.

A Month of Writing - The Penultimate Collection!

     Prompt was about "the same"

The Song remains the same

I never wanted to speak
Fom my Father’s voice,
“What is this crap you are
Listening to?
I remember when music was
Created by a band,
Not a computer.”
Each generation has their mantra
That remembers another time,
Another style and another tune.
That said, I can’t do it
The top 40 sounds like one
Long symphony of the same
To me.
Be it Nicki, Beyonce’ or Taylor
It all bleeds into a uniform tune.
I never wanted to be
Considered an elitist,
Nor would I consider myself
A connoisseur;
But II know what I like.
New music has beacons
Of hope,
But the popular ones
Come from a mold that
I cannot come around on.
Either I have become old
Enough to no longer appreciate
Or music has become trite enough
To no longer care.

     An appreciation prompt for our day of thanks.....

Life grants us all many reasons for thanks

Many more rriches than what rests in a bank

A litany of joy delivered in brown bags

Oft forgotten by data on store tags

With the bleed of life from one day to the next

Intentions veiled behind an email or text

Emotions leave our hearts and minds vexed

Yearning for something to happen

Appreciate the simple moments in life

A simple night spent with a lover, alone

A call from mom at Christmas by phone

Cuddling by the blaze with a favorite tome

A wonderful forest of garnet majesties

A home filled with many aromatic cheeses

The best friend at work full of teases

A warm bubble bathe always pleases

Cherish the moments that come to you

Rejoice in the plethora of simple pleasure

Live with your eyes open to what is new,

While holding tight to what is your's forever.

     A prompt for "_ News"

Breaking News

I don't know how to tell you

But, she is gone.

Physically, not yet

You still share a house.

Mentally; more of the same

Enough to get by,

But nothing more than

is necessary.

Spiritually,

Your souls never quite gelled,

Even though your lives 

Became the same.

Emotionally,

She has left you at the

Bus station of solace.

No scheduled stops;

No forwarding address.

And lastly, Today's prompt, "Do it again"

Flowers have flown,

And cake has been cut,

The buttons let loose

An hour ago.

Words given,

Hopes built,

Forever gleaming

In your eyes.

The din of music

Envelopes us;

Friends and family

Celebrate us;

We have become us.

On this day of love,

"I do," only hours old,

All I can think of is

How I want nothing more

Than to do it all again.

With each passing day,

I will live my vows

To you for always.

Killed the Cat? No, The Cat Killed!

     So, a surprise awaited our sister tonight, as the wife and I surprised her with a show. Originally, I was going to surprise my wife with the same show on her birthday; but I gave her Opera and a great movie instead! (See: I'm No John Deacon) After mentioning to the wife that I almost got her the show, we thought it would be great if all three of us went. Boy, am I glad we did! Great things come in strange packages...

     So, the show in question was the currently running production, "Kurios" by Cirque de Soliel, here in San Francisco. (www.cirquedesoliel.com) When I was orginallly researching tickets, the VIP tix were going for about $250 a piece. It would probably have been a bit overkill..... this is one of those things where the SHOW is the star, meeting the crew doesn't hold the same wonder as it does in rock bands. We bought amazing tickets (4 rows up from stage) and we were ready to roll!! When we told our sis today, she was so excited and mentioned that (like me) she had never been to a Cirque show. It's always more fun to share your first experience with a veteran (to show you around), and a newbie (to giggle alongside you and share in the magic moments). This experience would not disappoint on either level.

     When we first arrived, I will admit I was a bit skeptical. The Theatre company had built a "big top" in the parking lot near the baseball field. For the prices they charge, I was imagining a typical cold, uncomfortable, smelly thing like the circuses I went to as a kid. We paid our parking and headed for the tent; my senses keenly and sufficiently numbed by the idea of mold and chill taking up my next two hours. I must say, I could not have been more wrong. When we walked in, it was apprent this "big top" was a well run production on a grand scale. It smelled only of wonderful popcorn and a ting of the smoke they use during the show. It was better insulated than half of the houses I have been inside of in my life. It was bustling with all sorts of people: from the steampunk crowd (the show and music are 100% steampunk accessible. A must see if you are into Steampunk like my wife and I); to the artsy types; to the old people out to see one of there favorite shows; and everything in between. The designer of this tent has thought of everything - the concession stands move quickly, the merchandise is right up front and easily gone through, they have a TV board of running tweets about the show (nice touch), even the funneling in and out of the stage area is split into three to make it easier all the way around. The seating was a comfortable "staduim style" that wasn't a ton of room; but enough for most normal sized people, to be sure. The chairs themselves were quite comfortable! It didn't feel like a traveling sideshow; this design was on par with many shows I have attended in a brick and mortar art house (and the seats more comfortable, compared to previous engagements). Now, I was pumped once again! These performers had a space to do their thing and not have the audience drawn out of the suspension of disbelief by discomfort. Let's go!

      So we found our seats and we were all ready to be a part of magic. My wife had told my sis and I about her previous experiences at other shows, and we were ready for the awesome to begin. Slowly, almost haphazardly, performers started appearing high (near the top of the tent) and low (on the stage) for different functions. At first one, then three, and then a story began to form..... For the unintiated (like myself), Cirque is a story wrapped around a circus enveloped in a more modern style. No tigers jumping through flaming circles or clowns piled six to a car. To quote Mr. Miyagi, "Different; but same." So the journey begins, and the feats of human excellence begin to amaze at every turn. There will be no spoilers from me; other than to say there isn't a strongman lifting a 10,000 lb Dumbbell. The great part of this was that I was made to suspend disbelief. The feats were strong enough on their own; but it is so compelling that it draws you into the story. You will feel humor and tension and curiosity (pun intended) and awe and, ultimately, joy for being a part of something so creatively special and unique. You will have to go for yourself to understand this blog's header; but if you do go, there is no way you will be disappointed - unless you hate laughing or having a great time. (If this is the case, seek medical attention immediately) 

     The greatest compliment I can pay to this night is: I was disappointed when it was over. You pay your money to a vendor so that you will receive something that you deem worthy of your hard earned funds, and you walk away satisfied with your purchase on most nights. I was sorry to see it go and went out to give MORE money to Cirque so that I will always have a small piece of this night in my history nearby. Thanks to my wife, I have found a new source of enjoyment (another hobby! Just what I needed...... :]). Anyone who reads this; do yourself a favor. Venture to find this company and lay your money down. You will be thankful you did.

     This day was magical on so many levels. However, I wanted this moment; this show; my family; to stand on it's own. Thank you for reading, I hope this gives you some glimpse into the wonder of this moment.... 

Happy Thanksgiving!

      Not a lot to say today! Enjoy your holiday and I will catch you back here tomorrow!!!! Sleep well with food in your tummy and friends and family in your hearts.....

      Lets all do it again in......oh, 28 days? :)

Shiny Ball Syndrome? Or S(hiny) B(rain) D(etractor)?

    So, today I am in deep in thought about personal preferences and how they impact what we do. In some cases, it's not so much a prefeence as it is a compulsion. Knowing what works best for us; but unable (or unwilling) to change. Many of these actions become our norm that we don't even think about - just act upon. Thus, the reason I chose to step back and give it a look.

    I am a person who has some degree of ADD. People have often given me the credit as a great multi-tasker; but in reality I can't really do just one thing at any time. When I read, I have music on. When I do my schoolwork, I have music or youtube or something to distract me when I need a momentary break from the reading.Hell, when I go to bed, I need some sort of background noise in order to quiet my mind and get rest. It falls into the obsessive category; I am never doing just one thing - unless that one thing is fun (and still generall includes many stimuli). The wife and I joke sometimes that I am more at home in a strip club then I am in a library. It isn't a joke, though. Dancers, drinks, blinky lights, music and people watching put me in the place of calm. LIbrary leaves me to red or study..... where thoughts tend to sneak in from the back of my mind and distract everything into a mired mental mess. The problem is, even when I multi-task, when I need to concentrate (on school work, for example), the distractions can sometimes discombobulate me and cause me to have to reread the chapter or pause the distraction to get things in place to continue. It's hard to know which works best; as they both can cause similar detriment. In the end, though, I am most comfortable with my distraction and my "job". Perhaps it's some Pavlovian effect I have acquired over the years; but it's what I feel comfortable with. I'm not sure if others can relate; but it is frustrating sometimes. Just sayin'.

It's a BIRD! It's a PLANE!!! (No, Really, She's Not Flying Cross Country on a Bird)

     The time is here everybody!!! The holidays are officially in full swing - one more work day until the flood family arrives at our doorsteps looking for Turkey and stuffing and cranberry sauce! Time to relax in front of a game of football with pumpkin on our face and tryptophan in our eyelids. Over the wekend, the Christmas trees (traditionally) would start appearing, dieting plans will be disappearing and traffic will be a madhouse! For some of us, snow has brought you the beginnings of a "White Christmas" - if not exactly yuletide cheer. A time of thanks, of commune, of giving.

     What are YOU thankful for this year?

     As we head toward the feast, my wife and I have our sis coming out from Florida! When last we all inhabited the same space; two of us were getting married, there was a former boyfriend in the mix, much laughter filled our home, many great smells ranging from pancakes to chili absorbed into the walls and there was, of course, the "nananananana Pot Car!" Every time we all come togeterh, great memories are made and the hope for a new day burns anew. It will be great to have KK home. Not her birth home or her living day to day home - home is where we all become family. Our home is her home too! In addition to a SCRUMPTOUS undertaking for Thanksgiving day, the wife and I have a little surprise for sis on Friday!! I got outvoted on my plans for "lego day", but what the wife found was every bit as impressive (if not quite as creative! Legos RULE!) Love is the gift that keeps on giving...... no matter the source, as long as it's true and it's accepted. I will miss my brother, but family will be in full swing here in the CITY!! (Something about a heart and San Francisco. I don't know, look it up!!)

     Cool development of the day: I'm getting a volunteer gig to help out with a magazine. With all of my aspirations about writing and creating, I figure this is a fantastic opportunity! As has often been the case lately, I stumbled upon this opportunity by sheer coincidence while online today. Whether you want to label it God or karma or kismet or dumb luck; things have been seeming to come at the most opportune time as of late. Opportunity is knocking; I keep opening the door to let him in. (How many doors does my mythical house HAVE??) I am excited by the prospect of helping this magazine get ahead; and that I can tag along for the ride. Some might mention the absolute lack of funds (which is a definite consideration), but the experience (and knowledge of another marketable skill) made this too tempting to pass up. So I decided not to. :)

     At the end of the day, all of these attempts may amount to nothing. I might not have an interesting enough story to tell. The enjoyment comes from the doing. Each of these moments is exciting; another piece of the puzzle I am trying to see if I can make the picture that I see on the box. I never know what the result of all this might be, but I keep doing things becuase THAT is what life is. There are a million cliches about how nothing is certain; but what IS certain is that if I keep trying new ideas and doing new things and learning new skills; I will continue to grow and change and become. My life is not a board game that has a beginning and an end; that with just the right roll of the dice or drawing of a card I will acheive my perceived goal. The acheivement comes from changing into something else. Learning that my way today could be even better tomorrow. Accepting that being content to sit back and just exist is not a life worth my esteem.

      I will be different tomorrow because I want to! Bring me the stuffing! Show me the essay! grant me access to help and grow and be.

      Happy holidays to you all. May love and gravy fill your hearts and veins (respectively)!

I'm No John Deacon!

     Tonight, to end the weekend long celebration of my wife's ##th birthday, I took her to see Queen's 1981 concert from Montreal in the local theater. The concept of the evening was pretty cool - it is one of those events that gets broadcast on different screens nationwide as a shared event; and I am all about things that are unique. When I found this on the internet, I bought us tickets and kept it a surprise from my wife, until tonight. It turns out this was the first rock concert EVER recorded for the possibility of movie theater viewing. Good times were under way!

     The wife and I settled into a very sparse crowd at the theater (a good sign that we would not be climbed over; or disturbed by people nearby; or any of the other nuisances that keep me out of many theaters these days. Okay, so I'm old. Sue me.) We had some time to kill before the show, so the wife and I chatted a bit about her surprise and our views on Queen and the Fathom Events idea (more info at www.fathomevents.com). I'm pleased to say that she was excited for what was to come and had no idea it was coming. I take great pride in creating experiences for my loved ones that will come as a surprise and entertain them in ways that weren't even aware they could be entertained. Mission accomplished!

      The movie began and for a minute, the lights were still on. I was worried that we were going to have to do some art nouveau viewing that would have us watching a movie with the lights still on. Thankfully, as I was gauging how that would make me feel, the lights went out and it was time to suspend reality for a little bit to step back in time 33 years. From the first wail from Freddie Mercury, I knew we were in for something special. As the movie unfolded, the cinematography, the stage performance and the ability for the band to recreate their songs on stage were all equally impressive. It was a perfect day for all of the working components and it seemed like everyone was at the height of their powers (including the roadies!! The timing throughout the concert was mind blowing!). This concert video is a must see for anyone who loves music; a moment where the concert could match (and surpass) the beauty of any musical format (8 track, cassette, CD, Itunes).

       However, there was an unintended story in the movie that took on a life of its own and drew myy attention (and entertainment) to a whole different level.

       As the film begins, the band is visually introduced to us cinematically. The bassist (John Deacon) wsa given a very glaring outfit that stood out immediately (sky blue t-shirt and jeans. He looked like a surgeon.) I smirked a tad at his 80's getup, but thought nothing more of it. While the film carries on, however, I began to notice that the bassist didn't seem to get much screen time - he was always off to the side or in the blurred background. Freddie was writhing and undulating with the beat, the lead guitarist was in the spotlight a number of times for obligatory 80's guitar solos (and had 5 costume changes to John's ZERO) and even the drummer had a number of spotlight moments, including playing huge conga drums and an asian style gong. Even Freddie locked eyes at times during the performance with the drummer and lead guitarist to further add a sense of ignoring the bassist. I was mesmirized watching this guy who seemed to get the same appreciation as the furniture on stage just continue to do him. He became a kind of anti-hero for me.... cheering him on toward some recognition; a moment of his own. So often, he just seemed to wander to the middle of the stage as a placeholder when Freddie was off in the wings making girls (and guys, I'm sure) scream and wet themselves. Then, finally, it came! The second to last song was, "Another One BItes The Dust" - which, of course has a bass lead in. For those glorious 5 seconds, John Deacon was THE MAN!! The next (and last) song, he REALLY came alive - gyrating and dancing and breaking out the windmill to burn all the energy he saved over the course of the night. It was humorous to watch him finally rise up and become a functioning part of the whole experience - like watching a giraffe walk for the first time. Even still, when the band took their bow, he kept his bass hugged tightly to his chest and seemed embarrased by the adulation. A drinking game is born.....

       With all of the fun of following the saga; it did cause me to ponder the situation. What would it mean to have been John Deacon back in the 80's as it appeared in this film? Would it be worth it to be a part of one of the biggest bands in the world; even if it meant never really getting recognition or appreciation? Is money enough? Do the other band members feel like any bassist can do what you do? (Bassists are't afforded the same appreciation it seems that lead guitarists or drummers are. And of course the front man can make or break a lot of bands...) Sure, you would always get to tell girls, "I'm the bassist for Queen! Do me?" How would it feel if you were the little fish in an enormous pond? I am sure I will never know. It is something to ponder, however.

     In reality, the film was more than likely crafted to highlight the "money makers" in the group. Historically, I would hope that the bassist for one of the greatest bands of all time would get his due - and I am sure in the circles that matter; he does. If nothing else, he was the star of the show for me tonight. A great time with a fantastic woman watching an EPIC band.

     

The Daily Dark Side

Yesterday's prompt was "Alone Time"

Another day of the unflinching
Ineptitude of my colleagues;
One more two and a half hour
Road rage filled commute home;
Enduring additional insult
From those lacking manners
Or a clue;
At these times I find myself
Fantasizing about another option.
I dream of light gray sands
Speckled with shells and life,
The deep blue sea foaming at my feet.
I imagine the life I could have had
If only I had eschewed the rat race
And scurried instead to
A remote island that has nothing,
Nothing more than i need to live –
At the very least, a place to go
Where I can finally be alone.

Today's prompt was "I'll Be _"

I'll Be Enduring

The phone screen lit

With the name of her other

The clock displayed 5:32 pm

"It's not like him to call,"

She thought to herself, quizically.

Intrigued, she raised the handset

"Hello, Darling," she began.

"I.... love.... you, my one."

His voice resonated wiith stress,

And she felt concern as 

She folded the clothes.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm sorry," he said,

"I'll be waiting."

"Honey, what?" She replied..

No response was to come.

She heard a distant wail  in the phone

As her worry grew

"Honey? Talk to me!"

Over and over with desperation.

All at once, the sirens screamed

And voices created a din of 

Horrible silence and uncertainty.

"Hello?" She calledout,

"Someone speak to me!"

Seconds passed into minutes

And the clothes were no longer

Meaningful

Mind racing with possibilities

Scanning potential futures

Remembering moments past

The phone started to rumble.

"Hello? Is someone there?!"

"Hello, Ma'am." 

It was a voice she had never heard

And her arms suddenly felt wooden.

"My name," the voice continued,

"Is Officer Rogers."

Officer?

Her chest sank, pushing the waters

From her heart toward her eyes.

"The phone says you are 

This gentleman's wife?"

 "Yes," she said hastily,

"Is everything okay??"

"I'm sorry to tell you, but

Something has happened."

Then she realized.

It was then she knew.

A final "I love you"

Came in his fading moments.

As her insides came undone

Her lips whispered,

"I love you."

One last time....

A Written Response

Prompts for today were to:

Create using direction-

East by West

From humble beginnings
I learned a way of life
Much different than you
A slower pace to my day
Respect for others
An appreciation for grammar
An understanding of manners
An acceptance of the toil
That leads us to success
The eastern shore runs
Through my bloodlines
The winds of time
Carried me to the Pacific
A new world
A new life
A new beginning
With ethics engrained
A world without pause
A sense of self over community
Now an anomaly
For a “traditional” mindset
Enjoying an alternate ending
After such a trying start

And Release-

The most beautiful of 

Them all

Yours was a power

Without parallel,

The most trusted

Advisor and contemporary.

The world beneath 

Your feet,

As you soared high

On an Angel's wings.

Created for the sole purpose

Of betrayal and belligerence.

Released from your lofty height

Morningstar cast down to 

Assume a new role,

The Devil of desire

Your undoing.

Just Another Day....

Today's poetry prompt was to take "I'll Never _". So I did.

I’ll Never No

From the minute we first met
I have loved you with all my heart
I mentioned that first night
That I could see forever at your side
Time has been forced
To bear out my story to you
Your love blossomed and came to me
And the dance toward eternity ensued.
In every moment of our days
We are faced with the choices
That can divert us from our path.
Love is asking us all, “Do you still?”
I will never say no.

The Wife Also Rises

     Today started out on a definite down note. Last night was not the best; and as of this morning much of what was left unsaid was draped in the bedrooms delicate orange hue. I often speak to others about the freeing power of doing something different or being someone new. Today, it was my turn. I think it turned out for the best.

     Last night, the wife and I got into a tif that evolved into a pier six brawl. (Don't go down to pier 6!! Also, learning for the young lads out there - know when to bow out gracefully before enflaming the women. I would have done well to live to fight another day; before things got ugly.) I stayed up well into the night reliving the injustice of what had been said to me; sucking on battery acid while staying huddled in the warmth of my ego. So many times in the past I have been placed in a position of being the donkey to beat; and strolling back through those moments of being a thing rather than a person was simple. All those had faded from my life; but here I was again. When I awoke to the wife this morning, she gave me the kiss (see previous blogs!) before leaving; with both of us still in a snit. I couldn't get back to sleep, so I settled back into that comfortable chair of cinematic cruelty, considering how little I meant to my wife.

      Except I don't. All at once, a(n) (epiphany/ thunderstrike/ moment of clarity/ end of stupidity) dawned on me with the knowledge that I wasn't disliked by the wife. She loves me (or so a little (humming)bird has told me). This wasn't going to break our bond, it was a momentary lapse of wonder where we allowed ourselves to be human. I gathered my thoughts of denial and tossed them in the Trash Bin Folder in my mind. My wife is so awesome and loves me so much that I can't even legitamitely convince my own mind she dislikes me. That's a powerful statement that invalidates and self sorrow I may try to cover myself in. After dislodging my head from my butt, I went about finding a way to give my wife a smile for the morning (while also letting her passively know that all hostilities had ended). (Dude note number two: It is not a weakness to give your wife a smile; no matter what is going on between you two or outside of you two. It's part of what we agree to when we marry - create the "better" and fight together through the "worse") I sent her an email with a series of pictures that told a simple but loving story - I don't want to fight and I love you. (Dude #3: be creative! No one likes the same thing over and over ad infintinuim - even "I love you") Deed done, she called me shortly after and life was back where it belonged. I was able to let my angst go, be creative, and ultimately get kissy face from the wife. Ain't too proud to beg, admit nothing is more important than my wife, or do what I must to make her happy.

      Where is the down side in that?

Not Much To Say

      Sometimes it's best to say nothing in order to not have to repent later. 

      Today's poem was about someone who is afflicted. I know this person in many forms:

You wear your shawl of shame

To mask a silent sorrow

Your actions a beacon

Showing the world a vision

Taking the path often traveled

Choosing to become something

Rather than be seen as someone

Your facade is crumbling

The many blue nights adding 

To your reckless resume of pain

No longer is it just enough to hide

Your heart has asked for respect

And your mind wallows in absentia

How many times can someone 

Be used as a pleasant device

Before their existence

Becomes one that they despise?

You Better Work.....

     It's so hard to be in such a tenuous position. For so many of us, it's more uncomfortable many times to anticipate the horror that is to come than to actually experience it. While I am not currently living in an in-between status of terror; it is very disconcerting in my career right now. However, with a silver lining firmly in place, is there a place to be unhappy?

      So, right now I am in the process of my position being "laid off" with my current company. I mention being in the process because there in't a definitive last day; therefore leading to short term future uncertainty and a middle area - do I quit my job (with it's lame duck status) for a job with less money or opportunity? Just to control my destiny? Am I better off to ride this out and apply for things after? As uncomfortble as it is overall; there is still a comfort to going to the same place everyday, seeing the same people, doing the same thing. Many people remind me that I am still getting a paycheck - which is a true statement - but there is a danger in holding on too long and missing another opportunity. It's also disconcerting to go in every day knowing that, in the long term, all my work amounts to very little. It causes me to feel very complacent and just sleep walk through many of my days. I've been applying for jobs I really want to do; saving the desperation for after there is finally an end date on the horizon. I think there will definitely be career move to a new industry in the coming months. As I set myself up in my school career, the new skills I acquire willl help me be confident and ease into the new world that awaits.

      One ray of light is that I have a contract for work next January. Knowing that I have a source of income makes my decision a little less immediate. The upside of the road is that money can come fast and makes everything a little more palatable. The downside is that for (up to) one month, I will be in a differnt time zone and communicating with and spending time with my wife will be at an unfortunate minimum. I would quote the line about desperate times, but in truth these are not desperate times. I am not in a prime position, but I have a lot of opportunitiess that my life experience and skill set allow for me. Ultimately, a few months of work next year could lead me to using the rest of my time over the next few years to applying myself to my studies.

      I have a ridiculous amount of things right now that I am interested in accomplishing. It's almost as if I have reached the height of my powers and I am ready to move into another level of my life. It's amazing what being in a good marriage can do. I also have such a wide array of friends now that have amazing skills and fantastic drive. I feel like there is something better waiting for me on the other end of the toil that comes with success. Last time I felt this way, I was able to climb the career leadder and find the love of my life. What could be awaiting me this time??

Hey Now, Hey Now -The Boy is Back!

[p     Well, not yet! However, the ticket has been purchased and my son will be returning to San Francisco for the first time in two years! I'm so excited to have him coming back out here to see all the great things that "the City" provides - things people in Virginia just never get an opportunity to experience. The Humphreys Clan rides again!

     So, he will be coming out (with my mother) by plane for Christmas week! So much has changed - he has a new "momma"; he an Grandma are going to bake cookies; he will be staying in our house instead of a hotel; he's communicating so much better, and I think he will have a much wider range of interaction with everything going on around him. Sure, it's enough to be able to share the holidays with him; but it would be so much cooler to send him home with the memories of this time in his life. I really think the stimulation and interaction will do well for him. It will definitely be great to have my whole family in one place for a period of time. Who knows what mischeif can be had?

      With mischeif comes Mother. I know the wife is worried - last time my mother was out here; she was a bit embarrasing. I have spoken to her and done all I can to forego any further issues resonating from two years ago. The plus side is that Mom and my wifey got along swimmingly when we went out to visit in Virginia. Hoping for lots of "cumbaya" moments; as being trapped in the middle of that dynamic is SUPER no bueno. Having another dog to entertain her should help..... and she is staying in the house with us all as well. Apparently, her not having to drive here will also be quite a benefit. (It's amazing the things we learn about our parents as we age) I want this to go down as one of those epic moments for all of us - a holiday we reminisce about for years to come.

     More immediately, however, we have the wife's birthday coming up; and then my sis flies into town for Thanksgiving! This is going to be a year of many family members; and I am as excited as I have ever been in my life for the November/ December money/ emotion/ food/ gift crunch! IT's amazing what it can do to choose family that is beneficial, loving, entertaining and enduring. For so many years, my "birth" family coming over for Christmas was a nuisance - I spent many Christmas/ Thanksgiving hours outside playing basketball to avoid the incessant, vapid questions that come with visiting once a year. How old are you? What grade are you in? What do you do for fun? Were you a good boy this year? (I'm 15. Not a boy!) How's your mom? Ever seen a grown man naked? (Ok, I don't own the last one - Thanks Airplane!)

     This is the life I heard about on TV and movies and books for so many years. I still have my moments and my disease process - but at long last the "high point" of my life isn't just existing. I don't have to fight through another day hoping there is a positive on the horizon. I have things going on - my life is a major state of flux - like everybody. At long last I can smile at the good things while everything else works itself out. I can finally stand and give thanks without thinking about it well in advance. I am finally able to be alive and appreciate life; because I finally have things in it that are special to me as I am to them. Greatest blessing I could receive...

Just Stopping by to Say We Will Visit Soon

      I haven't posted in a few days due to exhaustion, but I've missed it! This week was one of many trasitional points and orphaned rays of sunlight peeking through the murky abyss. I am looking forward to many new experiences in the days ahead. I will expound upon them more tomorrow; but for tonight I must rest.

I Am A Poet (You Know It!)

     Tonight I was offered a spot for a poetry reading at my local library. I was honored that my poem was considered stron enough to be read, but - oh, what I witnessed! The wife and I went with our friend Marcus; and what merriment was made! It's really as if the stories write themselves at this point....

      So we arrive at the library and are unsure of where the reading are taking place. We go to the room where there is a lot of commotion, and when we walk in we see what looks like a hipster old folks home. We are unsure if we are in the place until the wife asks and, yes, we are in the right place. The leader of the pack is handing out (in his words) "Propaganda" for an event this weekend. This particular gentleman has straw-like ghost white hair, A scarf (which seemed to be the appropriate attire), and way too large glasses. Also in the crowd we had a mid life hipster with a scarf (of course!), a blazer, and what appeared to be Salvation Army quality tennis shoes. We had what looked to be a 70 year old man with flowing white hair and a bright yellow shirt. Mix in some females and males of non descript origin and the three of us knew that hilarity awaited us. Little did we know the full scope of what we were to behold....

      I will give all the poets due credit - the poetry was all very descriptive and engaging on some level. It seemed very sterile and unemotional (to me), but not everyone is writing love/ like/ hurt poetry like my crazy self. However, the themes of the poems is what REALLY is the story. We had a lady writing about walking through poop in a small town, a young girl writing a story about coffee and sorrow, another young girl doing fan fiction about dancing the tango with a fairy (that seemed moments away from turning to porn) - then we had the heavy hitters. To say my wife and I were the only conservatives in the room would be a significant understatement. Yes, I live in California (the last communist post in the West), but holy mackarel what mine ears did witness!! We had the guy who started his poem about hoola hoops and ending with the horrors of Capitalism. There was the lady who woke up one morning and wanted nothing but world peace. NOTHING. Another guy describing a hobo (with a snap!) and referencing Diogenes. The amount of pretentiousness was enough to choke a horse with! The preached qualities of leftist philosophy was humorous, at best. Even Marcus, who is more left than right, felt like the things being said wee silly. I don't understand these people who want to tear down America for some communist ideal that died a terrific death 14 years ago. If only "love it or leave it" ws enforceable.

Anyway, a poem from today:

Out of sight,

But not out of mind.

Irritation clouding

My demeanor,

Darkness overwhelming

My soul

Manic or depressive;

Always left at the

Whims of a mind

Incomplete.

Just Another Day...

     Today was supposed to be any other day: Wake up at 6:25, make the wife breakfast, settle in to do some work, follow it with some schoolwork, cook the wife dinner and go to bed at 9. As I am sure you can gather from the framing of my opening sentence, that is not what occured. That is why life can never be reproduced into a simulation! Variables are what make life...... life.

     I didn't awaken until 7:15 (after a fitful night of rest)- just in time to kiss the wife goodbye and settle in for a day of work projects and scholastic endeavors. Only one planned action into my day and I was already 0 for 1. When I logged into my work email at 8:30, I was greeted with a message, yesterday my boss requested me to attend a 1 on 1 session today at 10:30. Zoiks! Didn't see that email yesterday! I emailed a confirmation and whipped into getting ready mode, knowing that I had an hour drive ahead of me. Actions two and three now fell off the "will do" list, as I had somewhere else to be! Now as I was getting ready, I noticed that the wife had left her wallet on the table. Ruh roh! The wife is driving around on a quarter tank of gas, with no ID or payment options! No Bueno! I contact her to let her know to drive sane, and to try and get home to get her wallet before hitting the road to travel to meetings. Chivalry is NOT dead! I would have taken it to her myself, if not for my meeting! So, as I have alluded to on my blog before, my company is in the process of trimming positions, and at some point my job will be gone as well (probably by December). With that in mind, I drove to my office with a heart ready for the "final countdown" and an iron will ready to speak my mind. Upon my arrival, my boss is ringing my phone to ask if I had hit the road yet (I was half an hour early). It was an odd call. I go in side and he tells me to hang out for a few; which made my suspicions creep up even more - this was going to be it. Future endeavored. All during our meeting I was very blunt with him about what was going on and my capacity to execute while still employed; and I believe that provided me a stay of execution for the time being (for better or worse). I would like to find another job soon, and leave before I am asked not to come back, but.....  So, as I am leaving the boss' office, I ring the wife and she proceeds to ask me to meet her (after her work meeting) to get her gas; she hadn't made it home in time prior and was not gasfully endowed. Of course I went, but now all day of actions was out the window! Another one bites the dust. I killed an hour during her meeting, taking the free time to head over to the Applebee's and query the bartender there about how I might be able to get a job in the bartending industry (one of many options). Meeting up with the wife after, my love came strolling out with a mutual friend of ours; a little yellowjacket of a woman who had very clearly had her hive stirred this day. We consoled her for a few, and then off to lunch we went! We talked all about our days and vented about the absurdity of the situations we have surrounding us; with the wife reassuring me it was going to be okay for the two of us. I knew it was true because...... she had said so. All I needed to hear. We finish with lunch and get gas for her to get home; at that point she decides it's a good day to take an early exit and is going to come home with me. Score! We arrive at the homestead early enough that I suggest a bike ride; and she is on it! We get changed, take a quick cool ride, and return home tired (and in her case with a slight headache). We heated up some leftovers and, as of 8:30, are both in bed ready for sleep. Unless you counting heating leftovers, I was 0 for expectations. Life, amIright? I made sure to fullfill my poem a day challenge (See below), and at least GLANCE at my schoolwork. A day full of nothing special becomes an even busier day of nothing too special. I'm not unique - we all have lives that can become varied in the blink of an eye; but isn't it fun to reflect on sometimes?

The fleeting glance of a crush

The delicate touch of a lover

The honored bond of man and pet

The sincere devotion of a mother

The childish eyes of innocence

The tortured passion of alone

The smothering cynicism of truth

The harrowed echo of doubt

The scalding acid of greed

The contemptable regret of envy

In this world,

These things have found 

Themselves to be omnipresent;

Reimagined by humans

Throughout time 

A Tree!

Soil and Trouble

The orange and white dellight

Surrounds me with urge

In the middle of the nursery

She stands there glistening in dew

I grasp the blue foil firmly

And proceed to the checkout

I arrive home with my mini Maple

Setting it gently on the space

Of its soon to be terra mansion

Resting on the garnet slope

I leave her there to gather my things

I boomerang back with

My implements of design 

And destruction

Six inches by six inches

That's what the book said!

I attempt my first stab

With a modicum of success

Another pass at digging

And I have struck gold!

I place the tiny trunk

Into the created cavern

Perfect.

I let the tree go to see

How it stands alone.

My Pisa plant sinks slowly

To a stationary 45 degrees.

I stand her erect

And pul the dirt to fill

The base

Remember the hill!

I leave her to stand again

A slight lean, but home

Tied to bamboo,

I water her and go inside for the night,

With nightfall, a storm arises

Torrential downpour 

I watch my little friend 

Sink to the Earth

Weighted in drench

I will rescue her tomorrow

Place her long and tall.

To protect her

In the future.

This Could Become a Habit

      It has been another awe inspiring weekend with the wife and friends! Nothing too phenominal, just a lot of great little moments that made a patchwork of fantastic! Key among today was - three weeks, three bike rides. The wife and I are dedicated to getting in better shape and finding another fine way to explore the City! The holidays are fast approaching; and better to get the metabolism in gear to handle the fifth glass of egg nog on Christmas! I foresee a number of great moments to come this holiday season - filled with family, fun, football and feeling! In addition to the normal cast of characters, Thanksgiving will include my sis and Christmas will add my mom and the boy!! The mind dances at the possibilities of memories to be made.

      Today it occured to me, as I was waiting for the wife to finish some business, that I was missing not having my phone to peruse during my wait. It dawned on me how addicted I have become to have things to entertain me in my "down moments". Not just technology - magazines, school work, video games, TV, eating - anything to avoid just doing....... nothing. WIth so many portable options to keep us engaged in doing SOMETHING; to keep us from just having to be. I have a feeling this is a large piece in the development of the hyper-stressed society we live in currently. When it gets to the point where not doing anything causes us a sense of stress, thinking of all the things we could be doing. It saddens me to think I have lost the ability to sit down and just be in my own mind; exploring and growing myself from within from my own experiences.There is certainly a marker where doing nothing constructively can surpass into laziness, but when the opportunity arises, it would be nice to be able to utilize the moments of stillness to just be content. I have some growth ahead of me..... through regression.

       Another week to succeed lies ahead. Time to get ready to get to work!

Haiku 2

Gently rising up

Shadow hides, like the duck blind

Phoenix fire spills forth

I Do Love Me Some Alliteration

In those moments When

I have an almost iresistible urge,

I am arrested by the appetite

To arrange the alphabet with alliteration

Creating a clever and catchy cast

Of wonderfully whimsical words

With which to wax wistfully

The intent is invisible to 

The people who patiently partake

The random ramblings of rudimentary

Association.

WIth a knowing glance,

The spell is broken

Until the next

Melancholy melody makes me mad

Compulsively careening into a cacophony

Of overwhelming oratory.

Happy Now?

Heaven knows I have waited

All my days to unearth a

Partner that could support and

Provide me with the love I craved.

Your arrival in my universe was

Nirvana. Finally, I have the

Omnipotent power of love; the

Woman I have yearned for, so long.

      What a time to be alive. Over the past half century, the world has morphed into a technological wonderland that our ancestors would have found far fetched. With our advancement in bringing the world together; a lot of societal norms have evolved into new ideas and techinques that later generations will need to learn, or have been born into. The world will never be the same; the world is all new.

  

      Technology is one of those things that previously I have railed against for destroying people's abilities to be people; turning us into a nation of viral visions. This post is not going to rehash those ideals. I will say that, technology makes us all available (or confident) to be so many different things and to so many foreign places. The world has progressed to the point where making a simple phone call (especially in private life) is a novel concept; a last resort of corrospondence. No need to visit with friends and family, because they are simply a click away on our Facetime, Facebook or Twitter accounts.  We can allow people we have never even met in person to have full access to our lives in social media - how we are feeling; what we are eating; when we brush our teeth. Whereas many of us maintain our jingoistic pride; the internet is now the one true World Order; the place where we are all one - a part of the moving juggernaut of information and interaction. With a video camera and six seconds; a nobody from Oklahoma can become an international sensation in Germany. Where we once had our friends, family and locl community to shape our ideals; there is an abundance of opinions (learned, respected, and other) where we can uncover the entire spectrum from truth to fantasy on a range of topics. It fascinates me every time I log into my school online and know that - right now - somewhere else in the United States someone else is attempting the exact task I am doing from a completely different location. That's some Inception type stuff right there! It's funny - Absence once made the heart grow fonder; but in current day there is no real reason to be absent from anyone else. There is definitely a physical component missing; but it's more fullfilling then ever to "reach out and touch someone". How long before sceince comes up with a way to do that? In modern society, nothing is out of conceptual bounds.

     Time has also moved us past the idea that, in order to be an "upstanding citizen", once must fill a role and be a "type"; not themselves. I will save my vitriol on that for another day. The wonder of this paradigm shift is that - now for the first time in history - individuality is not only appreciated; it is encouraged. Being able to reach out to so many that are unlike us allows us to drop the facade and be all of what we are - shady, silly, goofy, creative, brilliant. Without the internet, would Rebecca Black have ever been known outside of her school, family and friends? Of course not. Youtube was the "boom tube" that allowed a full scale blast worldwide of her epic struggle to decide on cereal. Then, in an effort to assert their individuality, a slew of others took to Youtube to copy her and give their own "touch" to the product. Hey, not everyone gets the whole "individual" thing. Look at Punk Rock. Deny authority by conforming to your musical community. Nevertheless, people want to be seen and heard from and share their ideas - and that's a magnificent thing.

     Unless you were into Honey Boo Boo.

      Express yourself, people. Technology demands it! 

Gwar Rules!

       I went to the first GWAR concert tonight after the passing of Dave Brockie. They handled everything perfectly; the performance was exquisite. Carry on, my wayward sons.....

I May Not Be Perfect..... Wait, I'm Not.

      So, my blog comes early today. I'm having a good day overall; but it is one of those days that, over time, seem to become defining moments in hindsight. A lot of different things are juxtaposed today; and I want to write (type?) them out for further understanding and though. There may not be a dfinite answer at this end of this post; but the payoff is in the emoting.

     I finished my last duty for my last assignment of my current job; and i am scheduled to talk to my boss today. He told me a few months ago that I would be laid off; but no other opportunities have arisen as of yet. I don't know if he may eke out one more assignment for me; or if today is the day I join the ranks of the unemployed. Since I am getting laid off; I will try to get unemployment; but nothing is a sure thing - especially here in the Sunshine State. I would like to get some part time work somewhere; but nothing has come to pass thus far.

     On the plus side; I spoke to my co-collaborator today about a future book idea. It seems we both have a similar artistic vision for what the outcome can be; and it was so invigorating to discuss the avenues available for this project! My favorite authoer Hugh Prather has a quote - "When you get halfway there; you stop disbelieving in there." We aren't halfway yet; but the planning stage makes it seem like something just over the horizon. It is wonderful to have a wonderful wife to support me in my endeavor; in my growth. I really can't overstate how much she inspires me.

     Speaking of her inspiration; I started school yesterday..... what's old is new again. I began my 4 year journey towards scholastic evolution - the bachleors degree! Another quote from Hugh - "There is another way to go through life besides kicking and screaming." I have boxed shadows long enough; it's officially time to buy in. I have gotten as far as my charm and wit will take me; it's now time for some "book learnin'" and a new, innocent climb. It feels good to not only have an amazing wife supporting me; but I have heard great things from my mom and my best friend as well. No matter how much we consider ourseles a "loner", no one can deny how good it feels to have people you respect giving you their support and appreciation. In the dark times, I know I have people who I can lean on until I can walk again. My wife is not only an inspiration; but also a best friend. John, you can put the poms-poms in storage.....lol.

     Even more awesomeness is the fact I am going to see my favorite band ever in concert this evening! Gwar in their new incarnation rocks San Francisco! In this time of transition and overcoming obstacles; this is another great moment for me; as the band is overcoming and evolving as well. I am so excited to be going to the show with my wife and our close friends. Gwar concert = awesome. Gwar + Best Friends? EPIC. I have my white shirt and trashy shoes ready for the show!

      Ultimately, I have no final conclusion. If my job ends, it has been a hell of a run. If my book comes to fruition, I will be proud of the accomplishment - the success will be secondary. I will obtain my degree in the next few years. To the wife - "I'm gonna keep on loving you..... Cuz it's the only I wanna doooooo!!" Gwar is going to rock ALL the asses tonight! I may not be living "the dream" I spoke of at 20; but I am living.... and that is all I need!